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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:51:15 GMT

Internet Oracularities #27

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Usenet Oracularities #27
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 23 Oct 89 14:24:24 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
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or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
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27-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How big is the swing at Leuton?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oh, the swing at leuton!  so very big the swing.  always the dancing.
} always the dringing!  always the swapping of wives and husbands.  so
} very big the swing!  the lechery, such a dreadful swing.  at leuton
} usually there four or five couples in each class all sleeping with each
} other, in back of classroom.  sometime the whole class sleep together.
} sometime the professor cancel the class for to sleep with them.
} (sometime the whole class fall to sleep, but this from the professor not
} from the swing.) very bad the swing at leuton.  always the vernerial
} disease given to married people.  always the condom shortate at the
} leuton, but never the condom shortage stop the swing.
}
} that is the swing at leuton.
}
} you are for to owe the oracle a years supply of the contraceptive


27-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just saw an advertisement saying that St.  Francis of Assisi loves
> Apple-Fs -- the terrible lettuce flavored snack.  Why St.  Francis?  Why
> are they called Apple-F's if they're lettuce flavored?  Why are they
> called "terrible"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    There ae several reasons for this, none of which I will reveal to
} you.  If you were to truly understand the answer to this question, it
} would begin a long chain of events, delicately balanced, which will
} result in the end of 1997 coming 32 seconds early, the crust of the
} Earth shrinking by 1.7% by 2004, a new volcanic circle springing up
} which intersects Macchu Picchu and Hell, Norway, the eventual re-rise of
} Atlantis, the reactivation by an obscure but brilliant archaeologist of
} an Atlantean subspace signaler, the arrival in 2065 of a part of the
} Chalub fleet which fled Earth ago, their extreme anger when they
} determine that there are no stranded Atlanteans to rescue (the Chalub
} government subsidizes rescues like you wouldn't believe), an enormous
} conflict between the forces of Earth and the forces of Chalub, after
} which the Chalub fleet leaves, but which unifies Earth into one signle
} nation and also massively disrupts the ionosphere (those MPL cannon have
} to be seen to be believed), following which the Usenet is simultaneously
} made unneccesary and impossible, following which I (the Usenet Oracle)
} will cease to exist.  It is obviously in my better interests not to
} answer your question.
}
}    A hint, though:  it has to do with an inscription on one of the
} support beams for the southern bridge of the Peltor mesa's
} fortifications.
}
}     (I live dangerously...)


27-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come you went to University of the bottom of the sea and don't know
> that you hope that Normal Rockwell just bit my slug?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    As usual, the failing is in your mind, Mortal, not mine.  My mind is
} infallible.  (Other parts of me, on the other hand...  but let's not
} discuss that, shall we.) To be completely truthful for once, the real
} message that was being telepathically beamed into your brain from a
} small group of pattern-recognition reasearchers along the 47th parallel
} went as follows:
}
}   "Let not the sins of the ocean muddle your perceptions, nor the
}    fluted columns of true Understanding. In the deepest tarpits of
}    footwear lie enormous appetites for universal acclaim, and
}    always for perfection in harmonic motion."
}
}   There is reason to believe the pattern-recognition reserchers had by a
} variety of chemical means succeeded in removing all traces of pattern
} fron their own consciousnesses.
}
}   You owe the Oracle three feet of dark thread, a Ritz cracker and a
} Z80-H.


27-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Didn't you realize that Johnny Carson was rightist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I did!  I'm the Oracle.  Did you also know that if you read
} the bottom of the colorful pamphlet that comes with each of Ed McMahan's
} sweepstakes offers, it implies that by not objecting to receiving this
} mail every 6 months you are supporting the rightist political movements
} that both he and Carson are campaigning to put through congress?
}
} Read your mail more carefully next time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a leftist.


27-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> orc How can you ask me so abstractly for a drink?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is quite easy.  If one wishes to ask for a drink all one has to do is
} mention water.  The reference to water is clearly saying that that is on
} one's mind, ie.  thirst.  But this may seem too blunt, so one must take
} it one step further.  Water is made up of three atoms.  (pure water that
} is).  Two hydrogen and one oxygen.  The mention of chemistry is a good
} way to give this hint, however this may be misconstrued to be asking for
} sex.  So the topic of air pollution may be brought up to hint about the
} oxygen in water, refering to the idea of a liquid, asking for a drink.
} However, we once again have the problem that this too may be
} misconstrued.  If you talk about air pollution, you will be considered a
} liberal.  If you are a liberal you would have no problem going against
} the old fashion rule of not being blunt.  So the best way to ask
} abstractly for a drink is to just walk up to someone and say "Hydrogen"!


27-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am having a hard time finding a girlfriend.  Why do women play hard to
> get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Women don't play hard to get.  Only men trained in some ridiculous macho
} stupidities think that they do.  Women tell you what they want.  Believe
} it.  Take them at their word.  Treat them like humans.  Then maybe
} you'll find a girlfriend.


27-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why doesn't C support string primitives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} c not support the string primitives?  c has the very very string
} primitives.  so string the c primitives, so very primitives!  too
} primitives are the c to have the concatenation operator, the length
} operator, the other simplemost operators in the c.  so very primitive,
} so very c has support the string primitivies!  the very stupid
} null-begin-ended string, so much the primitive, so difficult for the
} understanding, so hard for the relocation, so much support the string
} for the relocation troubles, the varying length troubles.  very much c
} support the string primitives.
}
} now you are for to owe the oracle the intelligent question.


27-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How STUPID do the Tv advertiser think we are?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The TV advertiser aims at a mental age of about 6-8 weeks.


27-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is it that with 2.5 billion people of both sexes wondering the world
> looking for a relationship with another person, there are so many lonely
> people who are without a relationship?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because there is a big powerful Maxwell-style demon keeping the males
} apart from the females.


27-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oy veh!  Gilda Radnor didn't say the koala bear is the symbol of Harvard
> -- I read it in Two-Fisted Detective Stories.  But why does everyone
> around me seem to think she said it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gilda Radnor read this question.  Gilda Radnor was confused.  The koala
} bear read this question.  The koala bear started hunting Two-Fisted
} Detectives.  The Oracle read this question.  The Oracle was enlighted.
} The Oracle's friend read this answer.  The friend laughed.


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