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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:51:32 GMT

Internet Oracularities #271

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Usenet Oracularities #271    (13 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 25 Feb 91 12:00:51 -0500

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271   13 votes 03532 22342 01534 54400 14233 04531 05422 03163 31450 03532
271   3.1 mean  3.3   3.2   3.8   1.9   3.2   3.1   3.1   3.7   2.8   3.3


271-01    (03532 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As I see it, the world we live in is a strange, absurd, and nonsensical
> place.  O Great Oracle, can you make any sense out of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is a sense to IT ALL, and the Oracle can comprehend it.
}
} Every being, every particle, every marshmallow, from the greatest
} dandelions of them all, right down to the president of Sony Corporation,
} has a role in creation; whether it be merely to stand upon street
} corners in Cleveland, handing out fundamentalist Christian literature,
} or to fry spoiled cabbage someplace in your apartment complex, all
} things work together and all things are one.  Of course, some things are
} more one than others.  But just look at the coffee stains at the bottom
} of your mug:  Doesn't THAT explain it?  And consider the birds in the
} trees!  Even the haughty IBM Selectric Typewriter, or Donny Osmund -
} well, maybe NOT Donny Osmund, but you get my point - all of us:
} animate, inert, Presbyterian, all have a thing to do, a why, a
} wherefore, a what's-it-all-about-Alfie!!  Try this:  Take a piece of
} paper, and on one side, write the words "Flexible straws shall save us
} all." Now fold it up, with the words on the inside, and put in under a
} book.  Think about the intricate inter-relationships between your seat
} cushion, the guy who tried to sideswipe you this morning on the way to
} work, and the last time you had a REALLY good hamburger.  Don't you see
} it now?
}
} Oh, never mind.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question so complex that even He can't answer it.


271-02    (22342 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ray Moody

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, whose T-shirt slogans are always both amusing and
> topical:
>
> What sorts of oracularities are most likely to be posted on
> alt.humor.oracle?  I've been churning out the goods for a week now, and
> have yet to gain recognition.  Now some friend of mine managed to get a
> question printed.  If I can't get an answer printed, and soon, I'll
> never be able to live it down.  So what should I do?  Demand more
> tribute, mention the flattery, make lacsiv...  lascivious...
> laschiviou...  uhm, improper remarks about Lisa?]
>
> Seeking Fame in San Francisco

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  let me look back into your file and see what sort of
} submissions you have been generating as an incarnation of Yours Truly.
}
} (shuffle, shuffle)
}
} (giggle)
}
} (shuffle, shuffle)
}
} (chortle)
}
} (shuffle, shuffle)
}
} (gafaw, gasp, choke, wheeze)
}
} My, but these have been excellent!!  It is a shame that such humor
} hasn't been able to be seen by all...
}
} You realize, of course, that a select group of people have been inducted
} into the Sacred Society known as the Oracle Priesthood (in fact, THIS
} incarnation of the Oracle is a member of said group).  These individuals
} have the most awesome and incredible responsibility of selecting, from
} the millions and millions of Oracularities done each day, the ones that
} may possibly appear in the alt.humor.oracle digests.  Then, from those
} returned from the devout priesthood, the TRUE incarnation of the Oracle
} will take those best suited and, thru the hands of Steve Kinzler, the
} digest is created.
}
} So, obviously, somewhere along the line your stuff is slipping through
} the cracks.  Let's examine some possible reasons:
}
} 1.  The priest(s) who review your Oracularities has no sense of humor.
}
}     Possible, but highly unlikely.
}
} 2.  The priest(s) who review your Oracularities has a DIFFERENT sense of
}     humor.
}
}     Highly likely... although takeoffs of Monty Python, Douglass Adams,
}     or David Letterman may reach a very common denominator.
}
} 3.  The priest(s) who review your Oracularities is so swamped with mail
}     that he just says "F**k it" and deletes them all.
}
}     Somewhat possible, but highly unlikely... This incarnation has NEVER
}     done that, at the expense of a great deal of time, phone charges,
}     and almost my job.
}
} 4.  The priest(s) who review your Oracularities is waiting for a
}     "gratuity".
}
}     Bingo.  Send a few bucks next time, or the name and phone-number of
}     a very "friendly" cute acquaintence, and I'll bet you'll see you
}     stuff in no time.
}
} 5.  The priest(s) who review your Oracularities is sending your
}     submissions on, but the TRUE Oracle isn't selecting them for
}     publication.
}
}     Oh well... that's the breaks.  Of course, Kinzler might be the weak
}     link here, but that's another matter.
}
} So, in short, just keep trying, and maybe you'll get in there.  Of
} course, I hope that THIS makes it in there, and if I find that one of my
} fellow priests reject this, I'll have some very nasty words for them.
}
} You owe this incarnation of the Oracle some very good Oracularities, so
} I can forward them in and raise my rating score (yes, the Priesthood is
} VERY VERY competative).


271-03    (01534 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greater Goodness,
>
> I have an inescapable feeling, based on things I have overheard,
> that I have less toes than normal.  How should I check my fears?
> Would it be presumptious of me to ask someone how man toes THEY
> have?
>
> Please reply swiftly, as I am having trouble concentrating, all
> I can think of is my toes!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question is somewhat unusual.  Almost everyone has the same
} number of toes, but if you are different, then it would be
} hard for you to tell.  The Oracle can help.
}
} First of all, asking someone else the number of toes they have
} would be a very bad idea.  If you are different, everyone else
} would be able to tell, and give you answer equivalent to the
} number of toes you have.  This would be done mostly in pity
} for your horrid condition.  So asking is out of the question.
}
} Rather than suggest ways for you to find out how many toes other
} people have, I'll give you the answer straight and simple.
} Humans have 17 toes.  They are distributed as follows.  The
} right foot has only 2 toes, the inner of which is significantly
} larger than its counterpart.  The usefulness of this is demonstrated
} in ballet.  You'll notice that many ballerina tend to
} spin on their right foot.  The enlarged toe helps.  The left foot
} has 13 toes.  This was advantageous back when man was the
} prey of many larger animals.  The extra toes provided more
} traction and turning ability when trying to escape from predators.
} Since man has mostly overcome the predator/prey age, these
} toes are used to play cards allowing one to hold his cards
} while drinking a beer with one hand and holding a cigarette
} with the other.  Yet if you are different, this has never been
} demonstrated to you.  Finally, the last 2 toes are on the back
} of each ankle (one a piece).  They are quite small, therefore
} very unnoticeable.  Their pupose is basically to maintain
} balance.
}
} If you are different from this, there are reasons.  below is a
} list of toe numbers, and what they are a sign of.
}
} Number of toes    Significance
} -------------------------------------------------------------
}      18           Superior intelligence.  18th toe contains more
}                 grey matter, therefore making you smarter.
}      16           Superior ballerina.  Losing the small toe on the
}                 right foot allows better piroets.
}      15           Political leader.  Losing the 16th toe (which
}                 also contains grey matter) makes you slightly
}                 slower, therefore a sure political candidate.
}      14           Businessman.  Not really sure why, but good
}                 businessmen only have 14 toes.
}      13           Accident prone.  13 toed people are very clumsy,
}                 since they are missing ankle toes, and have a low
}                 life expectancy.
}      12           Superior acrobat.  12 toes is rare, it leaves
}                 only the most muscular toes which in turn makes
}                 for excellent acrobats.
}      11           11 toes is quite rare.  This condition seems to
}                 have little effect other than physical appearance
}                 of the foot.
}      10           10 toes is the rarest of all variations.  It
}                 represents a severe lack of mental capacity,
}                 significant brain damage, mental retardation
}                 and usually 'odd' physical appearance.  Most 10
}                 toed people also only have one set of very small
}                 genitals.  If you see a 10 toed person, it is
}                 advisable to avoid them at all costs.
}
} I hope this has answered your question.  You owe the Oracle 1 pair of
} Dr. Scholls Odor Eaters and 1 specimen of Athlete's foot.


271-04    (54400 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's my bleaf doing in Morocco?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} why, It has finally run off to pursue its desire of continuing
} its affair with your melank in a more romantic spot.
}
} You owe the Oracle two tickets to Paradise.


271-05    (14233 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY IS LOVE SO HEARTBREAKING?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I knew the answer to that, I'd be the Oracle.
}
} Wait a minute... I AM the Oracle.
}
} Uh... well... ah... hmmm...
}
} Well, let's take a look at songs of the past few decades:
}
} Love is a Many Splendoured Thing
} Love Stinks
} Love Will Keep Us Together
} Love to Love You Baby
} Love Me Tender
} Love Me Do
} Love Is A Battlefield
} Love Shack
} Muskrat Love
} What's Love Got To Do With It
} etc etc etc
}
} So as you can see, Love is a very confusing issue even for those who
} sing about it and make gazillions of bucks at it.
}
} %message from god@heaven.com
} STOP STALLING AND ANSWER THE QUESTION
}
} (Gulp)
}
} Love is so heartbreaking because...  because...  because a long time ago
} there was a man named Phred, and fell in love with a woman named (quite
} aptly) Big Bertha, and one day after a serious session of energetic sex
} he up and had a heart attack, which in those days was considered a
} "breaking of the heart", and...
}
} %message from god@heaven.com
} BACK UP AND TRY IT AGAIN
}
} (mumble, grumble, mumble, rumble)
}
} Look, the reason love ends up putting you in a full nelson till you get
} the three-count is because women are sneaky bitches who lure
} unsuspecting men into a web of unrelenting agony and...
}
} %message from lisa@net.sex.palace
} Say what?????????
}
} Oh, forget it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good safe answer to your own question.


271-06    (04531 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Esteemed Oracle, who are no quiche-eater, but a REAL
> programmer, please answer this humble question:
>
> Are GOTOs really harmful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GOTOs are not harmful.  In fact, they can be tremendously useful.  Try
} living without GOTOs for a while, and see what happens.  You won't be
} able to GOTO the store to buy food for dinner.  You won't be able to
} GOTO the beach for spring break.  In fact, you won't be able to GOTO the
} bathroom.
}
} You see, GOTOs are a necessary function for everyday living.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good FORTRAN compiler that works without GOTOs.


271-07    (05422 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the higher-ups in any large university insist on holding classes
> on the friday before spring break, when they KNOW nobody will attend
> anyway?
>
> And then they take the day off themselves.... Sheesh.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The university administrators take the day off, as you have observed.
} The students take the day off.  Who CAN'T take the day off?  The
} professors.
}
} Why is this significant?  The unviersity world is not the happy temple
} of learning that it may appeared to be to the untrained eye.  That is
} just a facade, which covers a simmering cauldron of mystical intrigue
} and multi-national conspiracy.  The main players in this struggle of
} good versus evil are two enormous, highly secret cabals.  Nearly every
} senior university administrator is a member of the feared Brotherhood of
} Academic Deans (BAD), an embodiment of all that is evil in western
} civilization.  This dread confraternity conducts vile research into the
} arts of black magic, and is dedicated to the complete destruction of
} freedom on the campuses of the world!
}
} Opposing BAD is the Consortium of Professors (CoPs), who courageously
} defend the right of even the lowliest student to delve into whatever
} field of learning may take his fancy.  Although under the administrative
} eye of BAD members, CoPs has managed to thwart BAD's sickening plots for
} centuries.
}
} What has this to do with the Friday before spring break?  That day is
} known to all BAD members as the Feast of William the Provost.  William
} the Provost, an official of Cambridge Univeristy in the 16th century,
} was the founder of BAD, and perhaps the mostly evil man in the modern
} history.  To celebrate his feast day, BAD members gather in covens in
} secret temples, and sacrifice unwary freshmen.
}
} So, as you can see, it is crucial to their purposes that university
} adminstrators ensure that all professors are uselessly occupied on that
} particular day.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Necromicron and a Ring of Invisibility.


271-08    (03163 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since Jeremy and I are sitting here mailing the oracle and it has no
> questions to ask, why do I keep getting his questions and he mine???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WELCOME to the Mt Olympus BBS!
} login: oracle
} password: lisa
}
} hello, ORACLE, you have 1 messages.
}
} Oly: msg
}
} You have 1 message.
} 1 Querent
} Msg: r 1
}
} from: Querent (Dweeb)
}
} Since Jeremy and I are sitting here mailing the oracle and it has no
} questions to ask, why do I keep getting his questions and he mine???
}
} Msg: quit
}
} Oly: talk
} WELCOME to the Mt Olympus Conversation Room!
}
} Zeus : So, then I seduced Artichoka by disguising myself as a fig
}        newton...
}
} Ares : Would you talk that way if Juno was listening?  I'm afraid not!
}
} Perseus : Artichoka, huh?  Hey, what's her number, anyhow?
}
} Oracle : Hey, what's the deal here with my querent and this guy Jeremy?
}
} Zeus : and boy, could that gal suck filling, I tell ya...
}
} Eros : Oracle, I'll send you mail about that
}
} Demeter : Oh, come on.  A fig newton?  Really?
}
} Thor : Doesn't anyone want to hear about the time I killed a giant?
}
} Oracle : bye
} LEAVING the Mt Olympus Conversation Room!
}
} ORACLE, you have 1 messages.
}
} Oly: msg
}
} You have 1 message.
} 1 Juno (GoddessMarriage)
} Msg: r 1
}
} Who?
}
} Msg: answer 1
}
} Artichoka.
}
} Msg: quit
}
} ORACLE, you have 1 messages.
}
} Oly: msg
}
} You have 1 message.
} 1 Eros (GodLove)
} Msg: r 1
}
} Your querent and Jeremy are made for each other.  I've been trying
} to get them together for months later, but there haven't been any
} sparks so far.  Even though they've got nothing better to do than
} just sit around together and type away at netJunk all evening, they
} don't see the deep attraction they could come to hold for each other.
} I decided to make a somewhat stronger gesture by redirecting all
} of their Oracle queries to each other.  So that each could see that
} the other was the answer to the other's questions and prayers.  But
} apparently it just didn't work out.  Your querent obviously didn't
} pick up on the significance.  Guess I'll just have to maneuver them
} into that cabin up in the mountains sometime.  Sorry you had to
} get drawn into this.  But after I hooked you up with Lisa, I figure
} you still owe me another 10 favors or so.
}                                             With Love,
}                                             Eros
}
} Msg: answer 1
}
} Hey, no problem.  I'm sure they'll understand.  In fact, I may try
} to help you out a little.
}
} Without question
} The Oracle
}
} Msg: m querent
}
} You and Jeremy are getting each other's questions due to a software
} glitch in the oracle program.  Things like this are going to keep
} going wrong - I hate to be a bearer of bad tidings, but your computers
} are going to crash bigtime.  You and Jeremy might just want to take
} some time off this weekend, maybe head up to that little cabin in the
} mountains for some hiking.
}
} You owe the oracle Artichoka's phone number.
}
} Without question
} The Oracle
}
} Msg: quit
}
} Oly: bye
} GOODBYE, ORACLE!  Come back to Mt Olympus soon!


271-09    (31450 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who knows all things that lurk in the minds of magazine
> layout artists, please tell me something:
>
> I was passing by a newsstand today, and I noticed a sports magazine with
> a nubile babe on the cover.  Moreover, she was very well endowed, and
> was wearing a bikini that was so small, it made your humble supplicant
> wonder how she kept from falling out.
>
> My questions are thus:
>   A)  How *did* she keep from falling out?
>   B)  Was this nubile babe placed on the cover in purely for the purpose
>       of informing the inquiring consumer of the contents of the
>       magazine?
>   C)  Yow!!  Hubba hubba!  (sorry, your humble supplicant lost his cool
>       for a moment during a vivid recollection of the picture...) How
>       can I get a job taking these pictures?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a worthy question.
}
} There are subtle forces which men do not understand.  These forces
} manage to keep women in clothing during the most difficult of times.
} For example, when you flex your manyl muscles at a babe it is these
} forces which manage to keep her clothes on whilst she is contemplating
} merry mayhem with you.
}
} Secondly, that particular magazine, Sports Illustrated perhaps?, is all
} about these particular forces.  It is clear that the annual issue
} dedicated to science is good for the modern sports fan.  That's why
} they get all sorts of supportive letters from some people.  However,
} some people don't like the sharing of these subtle forces and complain
} a great deal about their exposure.
}
} You can't take these pictures until you get a Doctorate in subatomic
} physics.  Also, you have to get a manicure every two weeks.
}
} You owe the oracle a free-body diagram of Heather Thomas.


271-10    (03532 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I met this girl, Mindy, and she's really nice.  She seems to like lots
> of the things I do.  We even dance well together.  She just loves to
> talk with me for hours.
>
> Is this the one?
>
> Signed, I got her name, number, and a date this weekend!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, you have a problem.  I hate to break it to you but you are
} experiencing a distorted perception of reality.  What you've accepted as
} fact is merely a manifestation developed in your mind through the evil
} manipulations of television.  Mindy is already taken - you must accept
} that.  It happened on February 16, 1985, when Mork finally asked the big
} question.  What you don't understand is it that it's only a rerun.  It's
} not life.  And you're not going out with Pam Dawbler this weekend.  You
} have never in your life danced with Pam Dawbler.  She will talk with any
} owner of a VCR for hours.  Get a grip - she's married to Steven
} Spielberg (who did Jaws, ET, The Last Mango in Harrisburg).  She
} wouldn't even look in your direction.  It's time you face the reality
} that women, especially famous ones, just aren't interested in your kind
} of guy.  Your the kind of guy who sews initials on the inside of your
} socks.  And JFK isn't even your real initials.  Come out of
} Never-Never-Land and face the world for what it is:  a cruel place.
}
} - Oracle
}
} PS:  I don't want to hear a word about how cute Jodie Foster is - no
} way.


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