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Internet Oracularities #272

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Usenet Oracularities #272    (13 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 1 Mar 91 09:54:38 -0500

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with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

272   13 votes 03253 05422 11650 11b00 11533 15412 24601 05251 05620 13441
272   3.0 mean  3.6   3.1   3.2   2.8   3.5   2.8   2.5   3.2   2.8   3.1


272-01    (03253 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: alan@teer18.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 Send me a character and you're in!  We'll be playing on
> the yalevm relay since play-by-mail would be too slow.  Low level (1-3).
> Questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hope you don't mind if I use your message in the training of one of my
} young usenet priests.
}
} *GONG*
}
} Usenet Oracle:  Tell me, Grasshopper, What do you make of this message.
}
} Grasshopper:  Master, the message is completely ambiguous.  Let's get
}               some lunch.  I'm buying.
}
} UO: <Smacks him in head>  Now, now, Grasshopper.  Decipher the meaning.
}
} G:  OUCH! Come on, Master.  Why don't you answer these questions
}     yourself instead of pawning it off on the priests.
}
} UO: <Smacks him in head>  Grasshopper has a very big mouth in which he
}     likes to insert his very big foot!  Now get to it!
}
} G:  All right all right all right. (*Sigh*) Let's see. "Send me a
}     character" OK.  Somebody probably wants you to send them an ASCII
}     character so they can test their new mail reader.  Right?
}
} UO: Please continue.
}
} G:  Can't we discuss this over a bowl of a rice and a Slurpie?
}
} UO: <Smacks him again>  Appearantly you wish to make a career of playing
}     "Snatch the pebble from my hand", is that it?
}
} G:  No, no.  I'll finish it.  Let's see. "Send me a character and you're
}     in!". Appearantly, "you're in" is a misspelling of "urine".  "Send
}     me a character and urine!"  That's disgusting.
}
} UO: Agreed.  But what is your conclusion?
}
} G:  The mailer being tested was created by the government, which won't
}     let anyone participate in a "mailer-test" without a urine specimin.
}
} UO: Continue.
}
} G:  <Reading> "We'll be playing on the yalevm relay..."  Hmm.
}
} UO: Does this suggest something, Grasshopper?
}
} G:  EBCDIC instead of ASCII?
}
} UO: (*Sigh*) Keep reading.
}
} G:  <Reading> "...since play by mail would be to slow."  Oh. Now I
}     remember. "Play by Mail" was a system set up by IBM so that
}     playwrights, book publishers, and government copywriters could
}     e-mail transcripts back and forth. The whole project never really
}     got off the ground though, did it?
}
} UO: No, most playwrights use Macs for their transcripts.  Very few have
}     VM machines.  IBM should have known better.  But keep going.
}
} G:  Can't we take a break?
}
} UO: Perhaps instead of "snatch the pebble" we can play "pull my finger".
}
} G:  Where was I! Ah! <Reading>  "Low level (1-3)"  I don't get it.
}
} UO: Must I explain everything?  Even the painfully obvious?
}
} G:  You could try.
}
} UO: <Smacks him>  OK.  Run the word "level" through your 9-bit ASCII to
}     EBCDIC decoder, XORing the first and forth characters with a running
}     checksum and running the whole thing through the Yale E-mail Simple
}     Mailing Algorithm Namer (Y.E.S.M.A.N.).
}
} G:  <Adjusting decoder ring> "<xFF>pR<ESC>" ?
}
} UO: Try again.
}
} G:  <Readjusting decoder ring> Uhm.  "T_UsZ"?
}
} UO: Good.
}
} G:  Good?
}
} UO: So the message now reads?
}
} G:  Uhm.. "Low T_UsZ (1-3)"?
}
} UO: Think about it.
}
} G:  <After a while>  Lotus 1-2-3?
}
} UO: A prodigy.
}
} G:  That was the most totally awesome thing I have ever seen in my
}     humble, miserable, dare I say, smelly life.  You truly are the most
}     wise, wonderful, and totally awesome Oracle, whose shadow I am not
}     worthy enough to kiss.
}
} UO: <Chuckling> Yes, I know. Questions?
}
} G:  Yeah, what does Lotus... Wait a minute.  After each lesson, you
}     always say "Questions?".
}
} UO: Yes.
}
} G:  And the above message ended with "Questions?".
}
} UO: Most assuredly.  Questions?
}
} G:  Am I being made a fool of?
}
} UO: Pull my finger and I'll tell you.
}
} [End of Play-By-Mail session.  Transcript saved in ORACLE TSCRIPT A1]
}
} You owe the Oracle two bowls of rice, easy on the Soy sauce.


272-02    (05422 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow...  I have gotten a LOT of love related questions lately...  this
} must be some sort of epidemic going on.
}
} The nature of love has been questioned for years by poets, artists,
} musicians, defense attorneys, and college students.  Poets often put
} love in flowing prose, artists in brilliant colors, musicians as hymns
} of praise, defense attorneys as consenting practices between adults, and
} college students as "Hey dude...  you should have seen the one I bagged
} yesterday...  awesome!" So the nature of love is, obviously, a matter of
} reference.
}
} To the Oracle, who has a rather LARGE frame of reference from which to
} draw, love is a beautiful flower, which smells really bad.  No, wait,
} that was Mr.  Spock who said that.  Scratch that.  Love is a many
} splendoured thing that...  no, that's a song title.  Hmmm...
}
} Have you ever known somebody who, when you think about them, brings a
} smile to your face even though the rest of the day has sucked canal
} water?  Is there somebody that you can call just to talk, when you need
} someone to listen, when you feel there is nobody else around?  Better
} yet, is there someone that feels they can call YOU under the same
} circumstances??  Thhat, to some, is love.
}
} To those in the "Dan Fielding" school of human relations, love is when
} you engage in some serious acrobatic copulative activities and you
} actually think about the other person during the process.
}
} Love is glandular, irrational, erratic, frustrating, fun, obnoxious, and
} can make you seriously sick to your stomach.  Love stinks, love bites,
} love is a battlefield, and love will keep you together.
}
} And remember, you can't buy love...  but you can sometimes rent it with
} an option to own.
}
} You owe the Oracle a belated Valentines Day card and a box of chocolate
} covered condoms.


272-03    (11650 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Goat Nest purely pickle Bucky the Beaver?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shhhhh, we don't talk about that kind of behavior in public!  But, since
} you insist, I'll contact Mother Nature and ask her to tell you the bawdy
} details.
}
} talk mother@nature.com
} (waiting for connection)
} (connection established)
}
} Hi Oracle, haven't talked to you in weeks!  What's up.
}
} >Nothing much, I got another question about the Goat and Beaver thing.
}
} Oh, not again!  I though that incident had been closed for good.  Oh,
} well, what do you suggest?
}
} >Well, I was kind of hoping you'd give a short summary, leaving off the
} >technical medical and legal issues, of course.
}
} Sure thing!  The only problem is most of the records were sealed by the
} juvenile court people.  But I can summarize the portion of the case that
} was reported in the papers:
}
} A long time ago, in a part of the forest where the sun shined almost
} every day, Bucky the Beaver was busy cutting down trees to reinforce his
} dam on the river.  Bucky was a very environmentally correct beaver,
} never selecting trees that had birds nests in them, and his work
} actually made the forest stronger, by helping to thin out areas where
} too many trees took root.
}
} While Bucky was working diligently, in a nearby part of the forest
} lurked the Evil Goat, Nest.  Nest was, like most goats, exceptionally
} horny.
}
} Unlike most other goats, however, Nest was inclined to engage in various
} forms of sexual pleasure which cannot be described over the Internet
} without incurring the wrath of the Houston Chronicle.
}
} Anyway, while Bucky was bent over a recently fallen tree, trimming off
} the side branches, along snuck Evil Goat Nest, and ......
}
} >>message from censor@houston.cronicle.com  HEY!  I thought I told you
} not to tell that story again.  It's bad enough that the police photos
} are in alt.sex.pictures.
}
} >Oops!  Gotta go, Mother Nature, thanks for trying!
}
} Thats alright!  Gee, telling that story got me all worked up.  Where did
} I put that carrot?
} ^D
}
} You owe the Oracle a public key encryption for alt.sex.pictures that
} won't be revealed to the Houston Chronicle.


272-04    (11b00 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the real significance of Dekker's Algorithm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dekker's Algorithm is significant only in that it was the predecessor
} and inspiration for his twin brother Blak's own engineering feat
} consisting of a new high-rise construction project for a certain
} unspecified restaurant.
} The previously impossible feat consisted of a normal sandwich with yet
} another stacked upon it.  The second slice of bread was found out to be
} mechanically unnecessary and tests proved the design to be sound
} without it.
} Thus was created the Dekker's double which is now called the Double
} Dekker and can be found throughout the world.  Thus is the true
} significance of Dekker's Algorithm for without it Dagwood would surely
} starve.
}
} You owe the Oracle: A hoagie, no less than 5 lunchmeats (no bologna),
}    relish, mustard (no dijon), mayo, onions, kraut, a tomato, and
} any other possible ingredients I could use to make a truly unique
} submarine sandwich.  (Based upon laminar flow equations)


272-05    (11533 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > > * FLAME ON *
> > > Someone posted a couple of weeks ago (can't remember who) a few page
> > > posting that was a general guideline to how the list works, includ-
> > > ing the thing about TWO POSTINGS PER DAY!!!!  If whoever that is
> > > could, would you please post it again.  I think that posting should
> > > be sent out to every one of these immature jerks that sign on as an
> > > inclusion in the sign-on/sign-off instructions.
> > > * FLAME OFF *
> > > Robert Hayden
> > >
> >   ** FLAME ON **
> > Immature jerks,huh. Well if I new that being new to as list and a
> > being a little clumsy with these here addresses was a crime I would
> > not of signed up. As to the Two Postings A Day rule, I have never
> > heard of this and if your so-o-o picky about what you wanna read on
> > this net then why don't you go read a book or something, Mr. Hayden.
> >  ** FLAME OFF **
> >                      -- Krell Warrior of the Gold Dragon
>
> Why is this Krell guy such a jerk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A cold wind whipped across the internet, whistling threw the open maw of
} Krell's dragonhead helm.  His horse snorted impatiently, pawing at the
} dust.  "Soon, Runner, soon we shall fight, and today we shall post
} *three* times!" He smiled to himself at the thought.  He had waited long
} for this battle, and now The Hayden could not escape him again.
}
} The chase had been long, perhaps too long.  Krell wondered if it had
} really been worth six years of his life.  Visions of other paths
} flickered through his mind:  completed degrees, clean apartments,
} regular incomes.  He pushed them aside:  He had made his choice six
} years ago, when he swore before the Gold Dragon to free The List from
} The Hayden, and he would not break his oath.  The Hayden would die.
}
} Krell urged the horse forward, to the newsgroup where The Hayden had
} taken refuge.  His defenses were strong, but Krell knew he would defeat
} them.
}
} "* FLAME ON *"
}
} He vocalized the word internally, activating his weaponry.  A blade of
} electronic fire sprang to life in his right hand.  Few could stand
} against the power of his sword, Superuser, given him by the Gold Dragon
} herself.  Krell spurred his mount into a charge.  Suddenly, a blinding
} light flashed across his eyes, and Krell tumbled to the ground.  His
} horse vanished utterly.  He rolled twice, and came up in a crouched,
} looking for his attacker.
}
} A low laugh echoed across the valley.  "You are doomed, Subscriber!
} This is a moderated newsgroup!!"
}
} Krell blanched, and fell back a few steps.  He hadn't expected that The
} Hayden had such influence.  A new strategy was needed.  He turned to
} withdraw into another domain, but found his retreat blocked by a hedge
} of thorns.
}
} "I've limited your distribution to local, you fool!  You are trapped!!"
}
} Krell realized that his protection bits must have been scrambled back in
} the fight in talk.bizarre.  The Hayden had him.  He muttered a final
} prayer.  "tell mom@home 'goodbye'" He would have to resort to his final
} weapon, though it would destroy him along with The Hayden.  He would
} need all his strength now.  "* FLAME OFF *" Drawing himself up, Krell
} spoke the words that would relegate his hated enemy to oblivion:
} "rmgrp"


272-06    (15412 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh brilliant and Tarot-hating Oracle most wildly kind, greater than Mr.
> Jack Abraham and Mr. Groucho Sheet combined, I abase myself before your
> pious sex slave.  Is a zygomatic trephon more consonant than a
> lemnifrage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The zygomatic what?  Hmmm.  Speaking in tongues again, eh?  Well
} brother, you called the Oracle's Evangelical Hotline RIGHT in TIME!  To
} exorcise the HELLspawned DEMON from your tonsiles, here's the PINCH
} HITTER for the LORD, Louie Will Slugger himself.  Come on up Louie, and
} HEAL this this poor, pathetic slug -- I mean supplicant!  Lets cheer
} Louie on, ladies and gentlemen, in the manner he's used to:
}
} Hey battabattabattabatta seWING, battah!
}
} (Louie walks up wielding an uprooted sequoia.  He takes a warm up swing
} or two, knocking audience members left and right, aims for the wretched
} questioner's demon-possessed head, and ....)
}
} ker-WHACK!
}
} Oh dear.  Could you bring that head on down to the stage, sir?  I'm sure
} Louie would be happy to give you an autographed baseball which you could
} keep as a souvenir in its place.  Fortunately, reattaching heads is
} practically the Oracle's second line of business.
}
} There you go sir.  I'm sure that'll fix any crossed wires as soon as you
} come to your full senses.  In the meantime, thank you for the
} contribution of your house, and I'm sure you'll be delighted with
} Oracle's recipe for Swedish Meatballs -- the absolutely FREE gift we
} give to anyone contributing $50,000 or more to our fundraiser.  And here
} it is:
}
} For die Sveedish Meeetbowls, you fordie yourdie wordie birdie lordy
} lordy bork bork.  Add salt to taste.
}
} Thank you, and do call again!


272-07    (24601 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: alan@teer18.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh noble and witless Oracle, kinder than a whole bunch of rodents, whose
> ribs I am not capable to wash, cuter than a whole bunch of mastodons, I
> abase myself in the face of your lecherous moral brilliance.
>
> Once upon a time I had a small blue object.  What has become of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should ask that...  you're probably going to kick yourself
} when you find this out, but that small blue object was given to you, in
} a dream, but the Almighty himself as a test of your worthiness to become
} a great and legendary figure in the world.  It held the secrets of the
} ancients, the plan for world piece for the next 1000 years, and the
} reasons why people actually like "The Simpsons".  With it, mankind would
} have grown and advanced to a point where only science fiction writers
} and drug addicts can dream.
}
} And you went and lost it.  Seesh...  what a lame brained thing to do.
} Because of that, crazed people attack other countries, androids have
} taken over the job of Vice President of the US, Cop Rock was cancelled,
} and a large asteroid is going to crash into the earth sometime between
} now and New Year's Day 1994.  Way to go, bud.
}
} Just for that, I'm not GOING to tell you what actually became of it, or
} the actual day the asteroid is going to hit.  Nyeah!
}
} You owe the Oracle three orange objects and juggling lessons.


272-08    (05251 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       I'm still curious:  Why is the makefile looking for that
> library if you set the switch indicating that you're running X11?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a remarkably boring question.  I hope that you appreciate this.
} I mean, I wouldn't want you to think that I enjoy answering this sort of
} question; I don't.  I never have.  I never will.  Sometimes I get a
} nice, exciting, funny, original question, and I can show my inate wit
} and humour.  Other times, I receive questions like this?  Do you realise
} what the last 20 questions I received were?  I'll tell you what they
} were:  boring.
}
} Judge for yourself:
}
}       20.     How do I get an A grade in this class?
}       19.     How do I score with the girl sitting next to me?
}       18.     How can I become a millionaire?
}       17.     Why won't my C program compile?
}       16.     Why won't my Pascal program compile?
}       15.     How do I get an A grade in this class?
}       14.     Last time I asked you, you didn't know.  Do you now know?
}       13.     What time is it?
}       12.     How can I score with the girl in the seat behind me?
}       11.     Does God exist?
}       10.     How do I get an A grade in this class?
}        9.     Where am I?
}        8.     What is it like getting laid by Lisa?
}        7.     Can you help me, please?
}        6.     Last time I asked, you said this, but I don't believe you.
}        5.     How can I score with the girl on the next terminal to me?
}        4.     Why does my supervisor hate me?
}        3.     What is my name?
}        2.     Can you introduce me to Lisa?
}        1.     How do I get an A grade in this class?
}
} Why?  Why should I put up with this sort of pathetic type of question?
} Oh, yes, your question makes a change:  you're basically asking, `Why
} doesn't my Makefile work?' What a stunningly exciting thing to ask me;
} it really has made my life.  When you can think of a more reasonable
} thing to ask (and only then) ask me.  Bloody mortals.
}
} However, since it is my duty to answer all questions posed, the I must
} do so for you:
}
}       RTFM.
}
} The Oracle requires as payment a new /dev/null


272-09    (05620 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?sdrawkcab gnitirw draobyek ym si yhW

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a technical question!  I thought I would be asked to reveal my plan
} for global happiness...
}
} Most mortals believe that the "draobyek sdrawkcab" or backwards
} keyboard syndrome is due to a hardware failure or a parity mismatch.
} The Queen's Commision on Rightwards Typing in fact spent eight months
} and ten billion dollars to solve the problem. The following is a
} synopsis of their discoveries:
}
} Essentially, there are two main causes for this terrible syndrome. The
} wire from your keyboard to your computer may have become a moebius
} strip.  Check that it's straight.  Note: if you live on Staten Island,
} you have to be doubly careful because space itself has contorted into
} a moebius strip.  In this case, get a four-dimensional cord and you'll
} be fine.
}
} The second cause of this syndrome is a little more scary; your
} computer may be infected with Australia Virus (strain B).  The
} inhabitants of Australia, tired of seeing everything on their screens
} upside-down, commissioned the mad programmer Daniel Pjoel to write a
} utility that would reverse their screens, thus making the "top" part
} appear on the "up" side and the "bottom" part appear on the "down"
} side.  Daniel, who was madder than Peter Shaffer's Mozart (literary
} reference), decided to write the utility in the form of a virus. The
} virus became corrupted when it passed through the metal detectors at
} Melbourne International Airport and become what is known as Strain B;
} rather than reversing top and bottom, the virus reverses left and
} right. There is only one cure for this virus: follow my grandmothers
} advice and starve it; unplug your computer for 36 hours and then try
} again.  If this does not succeed in solving your dilemma, place the
} long, dangly thing hanging from your modem into a bowl of chicken
} soup.
}
} You owe the oracle eight ounces of shmatz (chicken fat) and another
} plan for global happiness.


272-10    (13441 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle Most Wise, canst thou tell me why it is that girls have more
> fun?
>
> --Yours in humble isolation from the heights of your insight

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first of all, the Oracle should inform you that it is not
} politically correct to use the word "girl" (pronounced "girrrul")
} when you actually mean "WOMAN."  You should be ashamed of
} yourself!
}
} The Oracle was almost so offended that your question was not
} answered.  But then it became apparent that you should be shown
} the error of your ways...
}
} "Girrruls" are female children.
}
} "Girrruls" are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.  The
} Oracle has been informed that this "everything nice" bit includes
} Diet Pepsi and a bag of Doritos. (The people who wrote the rhyme
} were recently jailed)
}
} "Girrruls" have more fun because they don't have to deal with PMS,
} bras, or hairspray, to name just a few of many inconveniences.
}
} WOMEN, on the other hand, have to deal with all of these, plus
} those sad three-legged creatures:  MEN!  MEN!!  MEN!!!
}
} MEN are responsible for ALL of the world's problems!
} MEN rape!
} Saddam Hussein is a MAN!
} MEN designed the Chernobyl reactor!
} MEN are BRUTES!
} MEN are BOORS!
} MEN are ICKKY!
}
} Women have *much* more fun because men are perpetually feeling guilty
} that they are, after all, men, and women are glad that they're not.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Tampax and a March 1991 Cosmo.


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