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Internet Oracularities #273

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Usenet Oracularities #273    (10 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 91 23:05:24 -0500

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273   10 votes 03511 15220 14041 13411 02512 03304 10531 42130 14320 14320
273   2.9 mean  3.0   2.5   3.0   2.8   3.3   3.5   3.3   2.3   2.6   2.6


273-01    (03511 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, to whom the mysteries of eternity are as a
> crossword puzzle, I still have a problem.
>
> Due to my wording and this blasted temporal anamoly nearby, my
> words were misunderstood by one of your incarnations. I am
> currently recieving mail from another computer, said computer
> being located at the same university three weeks in the future. I
> know the University has the connections between computers wired
> through the steam tunnels, and this seems to be where the
> temporal anomaly is located. The trouble is, I can't find the
> branch down which the anomaly is located. I tried, as I said, the
> first branch past the Engineering School access, but all I found
> was a bunch of Egyptian Heiroglyphics a long ways down, and the
> small hole in the third tile on the left below the women's locker
> room (the pictures are being developed).
> Down which branch is the Upwhen temporal anomaly located, where
> they wired the connection?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  most likely in the branch connecting one of the dining halls
} with the sorority dorms.  A lot of them like to sneak out and grab a
} midnight snack without being seen (food that nobody sees you eat has no
} calories, they think).  I believe an accident involving two Tri-Delts, a
} box of Twinkees, and a sixpack of Diet Pepsi may have caused the anomaly
} you are experiencing.
}
} Be very VERY careful down there in the steam tunnels...  you will find
} remnents of ancient civilizations and mystic sacrificial rituals
} regarding co-ed virgins (of course, this is why these civilizations
} perished...  there is a drastic drought of co-ed virgins these
} days)...DO NOT disturb these ruins, lest ye bring about the wrath of the
} gods and force the most terrible of retributions upon the campus...  an
} NCAA investigation!
}
} If you MUST go down in these catacombs, try to find a few computer geeks
} that like to play games like Dungeons and Dragons.  They'll love it, and
} will be very useful as cannon fodder to the 10' rats you may encounter.
} If you can't find geeks dumb and/or adventurous enough for this, try the
} local chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism...  they'll do
} just about anything if they can bring a sword or large club.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of those pictures when they get developed.


273-02    (15220 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh kind and blorning Oracle, master of all unguents, whose virtue is
> bloated, I abase myself before your prurient determination.  Are there
> now negative rules and hundreds of sattelite dishes and burning desires
> in the knees of subordinates and highly organized but sexually active
> writing implements?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahem. I resemble... er, resent the term "blorning." But I'll
} answer your question anyway.
}         Negative rules: The answer to that, of course, is
} strictly negative, according to the rule.
}         Hundreds of sattelite dishes: No. There are only about
} twenty plates, cups, and other table settings in orbit, from when
} the Apollo-Soyez group decided to clean up the easy way after a
} picnic.
}         Burning Desires in the Knees of Subordinates and Highly
} organized but sexually active writing implements: Ahah, so YOU'RE
} the one who ordered that set of knee hormonal implants and
} subsonic-erotico frequency pencils? AHA! Yes, they have arrived
} at your ex-employers office, and the doctor you bribed did put
} the implants into all of the underlings of the various corporate
} bosses. Yes, the disruption due to extended, ah, "coffee break"
} activities has completely disrupted corporate operations. They
} will be bankrupt in a week or so. But I suggest you move up the
} time table a bit, and pick up the concealed cameras and so forth
} early. Your ex-boss has gotten suspicious, and you left a
} fingerprint on the video camera in the third floor broom closet.
} You had better remove it tonight, along with the thirty-nine
} others, the sound equipment, the phone taps, and the laser
} hologram set up. Oh, you had better replace all of the pencils
} with a fresh batch- those people at your office have been doing
} some sick things with the first batch, and they have completely
} RUINED those pencils for normal acts of perversity.
}
}         You Owe the ORACLE a copy of your new video library and a
} matching pen and pencil set for Lisa.


273-03    (14041 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are Joe Mage's fireballs ALWAYS the EXACT
> same size?  The same color?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Simple.  Joe buys all his fireballs at Todd's House of Magic.
} Every fireball GUARANTEED not to sputter, fizzle, or discolor!
}       And don't forget our special two for one sale!  That's right, buy
} two magical items ...  and buy the THIRD one for the price of ONE!!!
} How can you lose?  You can't!  So why wait?  Sell your soul to your
} least favorite Evil deity for one chance at getting to Todd's House of
} Magic!!  JUST DO IT.
}
}            Todd's House of Magic.  Right next to the big old tree.


273-04    (13411 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many hydrox does it take to make an oreo cookie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The ancient Myans pondered this question also.  I remember
} them asking about something like this.  Hydrox, much like Jello pudding
} pops, are not of this world.  They came to be as the result of a bizarre
} breeding operation started by aliens in the latter 12th century right
} before Genghis Khan discovered steak tartar by cooking over an open
} fire in a rainstorm.  Hold on and I'll consult the old Ocularities...
}       Aha, here we are.  Hydrox.  Hydrox to Peak Frean ratio...
} Hydrox to Oreo ratio.. Ok.  There's a little blurb and this REALLY UGLY
} proof that you'll never understand.  We'll skip the formalities and get
} right to the answer....
}
}       Hydrox to Oreo ratio = 42.  Doublestuff
} is different.
}
} You owe the oracle one bag of marbles and a glass of ice cold milk.


273-05    (02512 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did all these people leave their homes five days ago and one day ago
> and six hours ago and stuff and why does that qualify them to be on the
> radio like so many fucking operas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The people in question suffer from a rare temporal disorder, which
} causes them to repeat actions over and over again, even in situations
} where this would normally be impossible (like, say, dying every
} Wednesday).  Most of them were just leaving home for normal everyday
} activities, like walking the dog, going to work, running for Ombudsman,
} and so on, not realizing that they had contracted the dread
} Redundundundacy Syndrome (or were about to contract, it's hard to say
} when you're dealing with something of such temporal mind-bendingness).
} Soon they were caught in its deadly loop and kept leaving and leaving
} and leaving, until all their leaves were brown and the skies were
} grey...  (oops, sorry.  Lisa just turned the stereo on).  Anyway, it's
} very difficult to treat Redundundundacy Syndrome, as the sufferers
} repeat their infection as well.  About the only thing they can do is get
} a job at a TV station doing re-runs.  With extraordinary luck, the
} repetitive nature of re-runs can confuse the virus which causes
} Redundundundacy Syndrome so much that it can lead to remission.
} Unfortunately, most TV stations would rather use videotape to show
} re-runs instead of hiring Redundundundacy sufferers, so they are forced
} to try their luck elsewhere.  Radio shows are good, though they don't
} have the success rate of TV shows in causing remission, because they're
} always re-runs, even the first time they're aired (a little-known fact,
} but then the Oracle knows everything).  That's probably why all those
} people are on the radio, as you noticed.  Give them a break; they've had
} the same hard day many many times over.
}
} As to the 'fucking operas' aspect, well, all the Oracle can say is that
} you certainly have some interesting radio stations over there.  Most of
} the Oracle's local stations don't broadcast anything that deals with
} fucking.  Then again, here at heaven.com the censorship is pretty tight
} and the local government is kind of prudish, so it figures.
}
} You owe the Oracle^GMESSAGE FROM question-server@heaven.com
} New Question, O great Oracle:
}
} > Why did all these people leave their homes five days ago and one day
} > ago and six hours ago and stuff and why does that qualify them to be
} > on the radio like so many fucking operas?
}
} Oh, dear.  You owe it to the Oracle to seek professional help.  See you
} on Laverne and Shirley.


273-06    (03304 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No mo logical?
>
> Am I no mo logical?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Scotty, fix the transporter! You've combined Mr. Spock with
}  one of the natives and now he's got rhythm and blues!"
}
} "Fascinating rhythm, fascinating rhythm! Do logical do do do...."
}
} "I canna do it kapten! You'll have to give me more time!"
}
} "Spock, Spock get a hold of yourself! Get a grip! (get a life while
}  we are on this subject)"
}
} "Feelings, nothing more logical than feeeeeeeelings...."
}
} "Bones! Do something, dash garn it!"
}
} "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Kraft Cheese Spread! I'm just
}    singin' in the rain!"
}
} "What? Bones! Bones! Speak to me! Now he's got it to! Scotty,
}  we need to be beamed up now! Scotty, scotty, are you there?
}  Do you know what has happened and what to do?"
}
} "No sirree kapten, but iffen you'll hum a wee bit, I can fake it. La!"
}
} The Oracle has spoken, um... sung.


273-07    (10531 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, thou who art indeed the master of true grammar...
>
> If I am to append the suffix -able to the phrase "talk about" (to form a
> phrase meaning "able to be talked about"), should the phrase be
> "talkable about", or should it be "talk aboutable"?  And please, in your
> infinite wisdom, share the reasons why the correct answer IS the correct
> answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are wise to consult the Oracle about this question, because it is
} one of the six most perplexing problems in English grammar.  I dare not
} give the other five because doing so would invalidate your SAT score,
} forcing you to re-take high school English over and over again until you
} had mastered the art of diagramming haiku.
}
} However, in order to answer this question, the Oracle will have to
} consult the OED (Oracle English Dictionary), which just happens to be
} available on CD (Cosmic Diskette) for a mere $125,232.  (Driver not
} included.)
}
} (The Oracle is not only all-knowing, he is all-forgetful.)
}
} %attach OED
} ## OED ATTACHED, version 0.90b beta test version, report all errors to
} ## sysop
}
} Hmm, I thought this thing was the production version.  Wonder if I can
} get my money back?
}
} %parse -v 'talk about' -s 'able'
}
} ## adding suffix 'able' to verb form 'talk about'
} ##
} ## preferred syntax is 'talk about'-able
} ##
} ## modern usage example:  Alex Haley's novel _Roots_ was one of the most
} ## 'talk about'-able books of the 1970's.
} ##
} $$ GRAMMAR WARNING:  THE PHRASE "_Roots_" IN THE ABOVE IS AN APPOSITIVE
} $$ PHRASE AND SHOULD BE SET OFF BY COMMAS.
} $$
} $$ RECONSTRUCTION PRODUCED:
} ## Alex Haley's, _Roots_, novel was one of the most 'talk about'-able
} ## books of the 1970's.
} $$
} $$ ERROR CODE 34
} panic! memory fault, dump taken
}
} Well, it seems like the Oracle's computer has a few bugs in it.  The
} Oracle suggests that you refrain from using the above advice until the
} beta test period is over.  In the mean time, how about substituting the
} term 'rappable'?
}
} You owe the Oracle three infinitives which can be evenly split.


273-08    (42130 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mystifying and utterly neato oracle:
>
> how come, after imbibing a quart of EVERCLEAR, I fall down and don't
> get up for and extended period of time? (After doing so, I missed the
> last two census')

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everclear is a drug.
}
} Proof is left to the reader.
}
} You owe the oracle a new couch, you slob.


273-09    (14320 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what should i do about jennifer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is feeling what schizophrenic today, so let's see what my
} various personalities say:
}
} Oracle #1:  Kill the bitch.
} Oracle #2:  She realizes what a complete loser you are, and is much to
}               good for you.
} Oracle #3:  Grab her by the hair, throw her down on the floor, and
}               boink the good living daylights out of her.
} Oracle #4:  Take her outt to a nice restaurant (wine, roses, the whole
}               nine yards) and profess your unending devotion to her.
} Oracle #6:  Forget about her, go after her girlfriend.
} Oracle #7:  What does it matter... we're all doomed anyway.
} Oracle #8:  Listen to Oracle #1... he has the right idea.
} Oracle #9:  Don't listen to Oracle #8... he's full of shit.
} Oracle #10: Who are all these other people in here with me???
}
} So, there you go.  The consensus of the group seems to be in the
} negative...
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Cybil", a picture of Sally Fields, and a
} picture of Jennifer.


273-10    (14320 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you think I hate
> the damnable wizards so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you want my opinion, I think you'll find that you hate the
} damnable wizards so, because they're so damnable, but you aren't going
} to be happy with that answer, so let's go into their history a bit.
}
} The first evidence that the So family existed at all can be found in bas
} reliefs that date back to 5th century BC in china.  These sculptures
} clearly depict a warrior clan led by a family of wizards.  The wizards
} coat of arms is merely a chinese letter which translates as the
} phoenitic "SO", hence the name.  The wizards ruled with an iron hand
} until, as the myths tell it, the day of the great Arachnok, the spider
} armageddon, when the wizards fought on the wrong side.  From that day
} onward, the wizards have been damned forever, never being allowed to use
} capital letters.  As you know, capital letters are quite important to
} the language, they allow you to begin a sentence more clearly, most
} proper names use them, but most importantly, capital letters are the
} easiest way to STRESS SOMETHING IMPORTANT.  As you can clearly see.  The
} wizards So, became known as the damnable wizards so, and have been known
} henceforth as such.
}
} Now, being damnable, as well as not being allowed to use capital
} letters, the damnable wizards so, became quite outraged, first at the
} winning side of arachnok, as they call it, and eventually everybody in
} general.  They began to commit horrible acts of treachery and torture on
} the populace of China, which they were forced to call china, and very
} soon, the populace began to hate them.  In the 3rd century BC, the
} people of China rose up and detroyed the wizards so, presumably forever.
} So, obviously you hate those damnable wizards so, due to a terrifying
} race memory you've kept with you since before birth.
}
} You owe the oracle a glass of chinese tea and some fortune cookies.


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