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Internet Oracularities #274

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Usenet Oracularities #274    (12 votes, 2.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 7 Mar 91 21:14:24 -0500

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274   12 votes 02514 16410 63210 33600 14421 34230 45210 36300 13710 13440
274   2.5 mean  3.6   2.4   1.8   2.2   2.8   2.4   2.0   2.0   2.7   2.9


274-01    (02514 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that, in a library, subject is shortened to sub, author to
> aut, but title is left as just title?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The truth is, you've just discovered a loophole by which our nation's
} libraries havee managed to finagle themselves a power which has been
} denied to all other divisions of government.  I refer, of course, to
} the granting of titles.  You may remember from your US Govt/Civics
} classes back in high school that when the American Constitution was
} written, this provision was put in saying that the government didn't
} have the right to grant positions of royalty or titles like 'baron' or
} 'duke' to anyone.  This was because everyone was sick of all the
} doings of the aristocracy in England, whose yoke the Americans had so
} recently escaped.  Thus, if someone did something nice for the
} government, they might be rewarded with a cushy job, or some money, or
} a ribbon, but nothing that would put them 'above' their fellow citizens.
}
} A short time later, Ben Franklin was trying to put together the first
} national library.  Since distributing a published work wasn't so easy
} then as it is now, it was unreasonable to demand that a copy of every
} book published in the newly emerging nation be delivered to the library
} - transportation costs would have been prohibitive.
}
} So Ben knew that if his library was to be a success, he'd have to
} offer an incentive.  Looking at the budget he was allotted, he knew
} that it would have to be a cheap incentive.  Now Ben, George, Tom, and
} all those 'founding fathers' types were members of one of those
} Masonic orders.  You know, kind of like the Water Buffaloes back on
} the Flintstones?  Anyhow, you can get people in these organizations
} to do just about anything by telling them things like "But you can't
} be the Chief Poobah of the Sacred Chimneystone unless you strip naked
} and walk across these hot coals with your eyes closed."  Ben figured
} that he could get authors and publishers to do just about anything
} if he could grant them some sort of title.  He was given tacit
} permission by his lodge brothers and fellow oligarchs.
}
} The plan was that a standard card catalog would be used, but that the
} word 'subject' would be shortened to 'sub' and 'author' to 'aut'.
} Thus, 'title' not being shortened would stand out that much more.
} Thomas Jefferson liked this part of the plan.  "You had to give the
} authors titles - most of them already have tits."  It was hard to
} figure out exactly what he meant by this, but Jefferson was obviously
} very amused.
}
} The most powerful authors were granted cards in the catalog with the
} word 'subject' left whole - this was a sign that they had subjects -
} serfs, that is.  Citizens who were enslaved and pressed into service
} by the Library Internal Security Police.
}
} My advice to you is not to tell anyone about this.  The Library has
} agents everywhere, and would love to be able to use you as a subject
} they've promised to Carrie Fisher...
}
} You owe the oracle an unexpired library card.


274-02    (16410 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most witty and wise, please help me with a family problem.
>
> My cousin is a *major* New Kids on the Block fan.  The funny part is
> that she actually has a brain.  Is there any way I can get her to
> see how insipid they are and ditch them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle finds it very VERY hard to believe that ANYBODY with any grey
} matter in their skulls would have anything to do with NKotB.  However, I
} will assume that what you say is somehow possible...
}
} I can think of three possible remedies for her problem.  First off, a
} lobotomy might help her quite a bit...  put 110 volts AC thru those
} parts of her brain that actually will allow such hideous behavior to
} occur, and she'll be a much different person (you'll have to put up with
} the incessant drooling and such, but that's the price of recovery).
}
} Second, shock therepy might be a potential solution.  Everytime she
} hears a NKotB song, looks at a NKotB poster, or thinks lustful thoughts
} about any member of NKotB, jolt 110 volts AC across sensitive parts of
} her anatomy.  Either she will totally swear off NKotB, or she'll find
} she enjoys the shock therepy too much (in which case, I DEFINITELY have
} to meet this girl).
}
} These two solutions might be a bit drastic for you, but they are the
} only ones that are guaranteed to give quick results.  The third solution
} is simply let her grow out of it...  NKotB is just a fad, like Menudo
} and the Bay City Rollers, and this too shall pass.  I hope.
}
} You owe the Oracle the heads of the NKotB on a silver platter.


274-03    (63210 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ray Moody

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       There was no tab "A" for slot "A", nor a slot "B" for tab "B".  So
> I put tab "B" into slot "A" and the whole thing blew up.
>
>       Now what do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Consider yourself lucky -- at least you didn't catch AIDS.
} Watch where you stick your tab "B".
}
} You owe the Oracle a cute slot with large breasts.


274-04    (33600 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to dispose of used girlfriends?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The new Dispose-A-Lover for only $19.95 will get rid of any old SO of
} either sex.  Yes for only $19.95, you can:
}
} 1) Change your address discreetly
} 2) Have a certified technician make certain that all evidence of
}    him/her has been removed from your home.
} 3) Send a letter announcing your break up to your SO.
}
} And MUCH MORE!
}
} Just call 1-800-BE-ALONE.  Operators are standing by 24hrs a day.
} Visa/MasterCard accepted.  No C.O.D.'s, please.
}
} Call now!
}
} You owe the Oracle cable TV.


274-05    (14421 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty oracle, who has reached that state of brilliance which is
> indistinguishable from total stupidity:
>
> As a fat computer geek, I am constantly told by all of the amazingly
> brilliant Greeks at my school to "Get a life." I'm sure that all of
> those wonderful people who have their lives so completely together must
> be right in their recommendation.  However, I am admittedly out of touch
> so I am not entirely certain how to go about this.
>
> My main questions are:
> 1) Are there any special prerequisites (license, class, residency, etc.)
>    for owning and operating a life?
> 2) Are lives available "over the conter," or do I have to go ask one of
>    these wonderful fraternity/sorrority people for a prescription?
> 3) As I spend all of my money on computer equipment, are there any
>    special government programs providing funding for those who need to
>    get a life?
> and finally,
> 4) Where is the best place to get a life, and are there any particular
>    brand names that you would recommend?
>
> Thank you, O wise and wooly one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratuations!  on becoming the owner of an EDEN PRODUCTS
} limited-edition Life(tm).  We are certain that you will enjoy your new
} Life(tm) for many years to come, and we hope that when the time comes to
} replace your Life(tm), you will come again to your local EDEN PRODUCTS
} dealer.
}
} WARNINGS:  1) Do not operate your Life(tm) while under the influence of
} alcohol.  2) The Surgeon General has determined that Life(tm) could be
} hazardous to your health.  3) Do not store above 150 degrees Fahrenheit,
} or below -40 degrees Fahrenheit.  4) Do not store under pressure.  5) Do
} not refridgerate.
}
} DISCLAIMER:  EDEN PRODUCTS, as wholly owned subsidiary of GODCO, takes
} no responsibility for any damage caused by improper use of this
} Life(tm).
}
} WARRANTY INFORMATION:  Your Life(tm) comes with a limited warranty, good
} for three score and ten years after the date of purchase.  This warranty
} does not cover damage or breakdown during normal usage, nor does it
} cover manufacturer error.  The manufacturer will replace this Life(tm)
} free of charge if it fails in any other way.  Simply pack your Life(tm)
} in a 6ft by 3ft box, and ship (postage prepaid) to EDEN PRODUCTS, 823
} 7th St., Heaven.  Allow 6 to 8 eons for delivery.  This warranty is
} voided if the Life(tm) is not installed by a qualified technician, or if
} any repairs or modifications are made by any agent other than EDEN
} PRODUCTS or its licensed representatives.
}
} Have a good Life(tm)!
}
}
} You owe the Oracle $29.95, plus shipping and handling.


274-06    (34230 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think that God hates me. Could you ask him if he does?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wellll, I don't know, I mean, God's a busy guy and all that.  You know,
} he's gotta save the world without making it look like a miracle and all
} that, but, OK>
}
} I'll have to go through HolyNET though, hope you understand.
}
} > telnet dec.oracle.com
}
} Login: oracle
} Password: --------
}
} Dum de dum, I hate this waiting.....
}
} Welcome to dec.oracle.com Your gateway to every computer net in the
} universe.  Choose your net...
}
} NET? HolyNET
}
} Angels and Ministers of Grace Preserve us.
}       -Hamlet.
}
} oracle@HolyNET> send god "Hate to trouble you and all that, but could
} you tell me if you hate --------"
} oracle@HolyNET>
} And God spake, saying "That miserable bag of puke, absolutely.  Do you
} know what he did.  He went and summoned up an army to try and destroy
} me.  I kicked him out of heaven for that one."
} oracle@HolyNET>send god "Wait, wasn't that Lucifer."
} oracle@HolyNET>
} And God spake, saying "Yes, that's one of his aliases you asked me
} about.  You didn't know that?"
} oracle@HolyNET>send god "No I didn't, thanks for the Info."\
} oracle@HolyNET>
} And God spake, saying "Not a problem."
} oracle@HolyNET>logout
}
} Connection Closed at host.
}
} NET? logout
}
} Connection Closed at host.
}
} >logout
}
} Well, there you have it.  But Satan, you knew that already, why'd you
} need to ask me.  You owe me a big favor dude.


274-07    (45210 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do women only like abusive assholes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmn... Good question- the Oracle himself has been thinking
} about this great problem, so you're in luck-
} Why do women only like people who treat them like dirt?
} Hmmmn...
}
} To proceed, I must set up a few definitions I find relevant
} to this exploration of the topic:
} Women: A creature causing much pain and suffering to mankind
} Abusive: Tending to degrade and injure rather than be kind
} Men:  The subject of Abusive Women
} Love: A grand and mystical cosmic force which really has
}       screwed up millions and quadrillions of lives however
}       glorified by sappy poets it may be.
}
} Women, as people who enjoy being Abusive to Men, appreciate
} the raw energy of Love.  Seeing a man helplessly ensnared in
} Love for a Woman, the entire gender used to plot and make
} machinations on how badly they could Abuse him.  They would
} work in packs, stalking him and attacking him from every possible
} direction with aimless flirtation and red-herring emotional
} stimuli.  They would end up nailing his heart using the grand and
} mystical force of Love.  Nowadays the process is much more
} efficiently mechanized.  Each Woman has a rulebook of how best to
} destroy a Man's life.  They no longer hunt in packs.  Instead, they
} can affect several Men at once by feigning affection and Love for
} a truly Abusive and absolutely moronic second party- a Man.
} This relationship can be compared to several mutualistic
} animal relationships where one animal only allows the other
} animal to live so that he can feed off of him.  In this,
} all Men associated with that Woman wonder why she Loves that
} horrible Man and are thus Abused.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book on how to form a logical argument.


274-08    (36300 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my <(  muffin astringent enough to kill Mrs. Parsley?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <*Filch*>
} <*Pour.Pour.Pour*>
} <*Mix.Mix.Mix.Mix*>
} <*Taste*>
}
} <*Fwumph*>
} <*Thwinch.Thwerch.Skrichhhk.Gurple-fwith*>
} . . .
}
} To answer your question we will take an in-depth look at Mrs. Parsley's
} past.  Early in her youth she discovered a mound of discolored dirt
} while playing in the swamp one day.  Not being used to purple dirt, and
} also being in the Oral stage of her development (and therefore not used
} to much of anything), she immediately began playing in it and soon her
} entire body became covered with it.  This was no ordinary dirt; it was
} the product of an alien expriment gone awry; the alien race of Yorg
} which had a penchant for developing body-altering substances like liquid
} Draino.  Fortunately for Mrs. Parsley (not Mrs. Parsley at the time,
} however) the experiment was a failure because it was found to immunize
} one against all forms of poison, diseases, and--yes--even death.  Becase
} she was exposed to such a high degree of this substance, she can't be
} killed by your muffin astringent.  I suggest you try feeding it to
} someone else; you're definitely not going to kill Mrs. Parsley.  (It's
} quit effective at killing anyone else, though).


274-09    (13710 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does rain come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd better consult a higher authority on this one.
}
} %telnet weather-root@almighty.heaven.com 42
} [connecting to host]
} >> Welcome to the Heavenly Weather Channel...
} lookup rain
}
} >> Rain:
} >>
} >> Rain was originally designed as the most efficient way to wash all
} >> the undeserving slobs off the earth (See Genesis, topic Deluge).
} >> After the spin cycle, a compact was sealed where the Almighty
} >> wouldn't pull another stunt like that, but would use more divine
} >> methods (like nuclear holocost).
} >>
} >> In the present, rain is simply a by-product of cleaning activities up
} >> in heaven.
}
} quit
}
} >>Thank you for using the Heavenly Weather Channel...
} [connection closed by heavenly host]
}
} Hmmm... that seems to make more sense than the "so called" precipitation
} cycle, with evaporation and all that garbage.
}
} You owe the Oracle an umbrella.


274-10    (13440 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Almighty Oracle, I need help with my career choice.  Should I become
> a corpo rate attorney and taste the sweet tastes of wealth and power, or
> should I drop out of school and become the next MTV World Class
> Snowboarding Champion to taste the sweet tastes of drunken debauchery
> and snowbunnies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see, let's check your OFFICIAL RECORD!  (dum-da-dum-DUM)
}
} Hmmmmmmm.  W's, Williams, Willibur, Williganski, Wilmer, Wilson, ahhh...
} Here it is, Wilson, Xxxxx Xxxxx.
}
} Let's see, it says here that in 1984 you cheated all of your friends and
} neighbors in a boy scout cookie scam, and made off with 300 dollars
} cash.
}
} Then, in 1987 you went to a ski resort and worked as a lift ticket
} salesman, more specifically you scalped lift tickets at as much as 400
} times their original cost!
}
} In 1989 you were the first one on your block to start a Vote Reagan in
} '92 campaign.
}
} In September of 1990 you arrived at college with dreams of overthrowing
} the local government of that sleepy New Hampshire town, you set up a
} bank, and within five weeks were arrested for money laundering and
} accused of corruption of the young.
}
} Go where your talents lie, Corporate Big Wig seems like your kind of
} work.


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