} You have come to the right place, my son. The wise and powerful
} Oracle knows all, and will reveal to you the true meaning of your
} question. You ask: "Why is it SQUARE?" Why, I thought it was
} obvious! But of course, you are but a mere mortal, and cannot
} fathom the mysteries of the Universe as I can. To answer this
} question, we must journey back into the mists of time -- excuse
} me for a moment while I make a small temporal adjustment...
} [swirling lights and rapid shift of focus to a darkened cave.
} hairy humanoids huddle nervously around a fire]
} ...sorry about that. Welcome to 200,000 B.C. Here we see your
} ancestors enjoying the warmth of the communal fire, which
} protects them from the elements, and also from such undesirable
} predators as sabre-tooth tigers, jackals and tax collectors. You
} may also see-- WAIT A MINUTE! THIS ISN'T RIGHT! You haven't been
} tampering with my equipment have you?...
} [sudden shift to a heavyweight title fight between Attila the Hun
} and Alexander the Great. Attila is sitting on Alexander's face
} and seems to be winning. a huge crowd of Persians and Huns
} cheers them on]
} ...damn, there seems to be something wrong with my temporal
} displacement device...
} [WHACK BANG BANG zzzZZZZzzzOOOoOOiiiiNNggGG]
} [bright flash and jump to a scene of Pythagoras in a boxing ring.
} he is wielding a huge compass and ruler]
} ...ah, that's better. Now watch closely and you see how the
} "ring" became a "square." See, Pythagoras takes his compass and
} straightedge, and...
} [various other disgusting noises, accompanied by a lurid
} [disoriented return to the Oracle's cave. loud CRUMP! followed by
} billowing clouds of choking, evil-smelling smoke]
} ...[koff, koff, choke] [expletive deleted] Well, that's torn it.
} I can no longer show you how the "ring" became a "square," so I
} will just have to describe the process to you. Be warned, this
} may get technical. First, take a large round bell, a hammer, and
} a medium-size black hole. Hit the bell with the hammer, then
} throw both of them into the hole and stir until fluffy. Pour into
} a large greased dish and bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes.
} Leave to cool. Then apply pressure to it. This will pop it out of
} the frame of this Universe and expand it into 6 dimensions. Grab
} it before it vanishes, and cut it in half with a banana. You
} should find yourself holding a large square object.
} Congratulations! I told you it was easy.
} You owe the Oracle two tickets to the next heavyweight title
} fight and a new time machine. (You don't happen to know any good
} cookie recipes do you?)