[IO]
Internet Oracle
22 Oct 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 21:38:24 GMT
New, also from Kinzler:           Haikudipity / Random Word Haiku @ haikudipity.com
⨁ Ask a question for an I Ching-like answer. ⊠ Learn some new words. ⋇ Tickle your funnybone. ⏧ Exercise your imagination and mental agility. ☎ Find inspiration for your creative project (like, um, using the Internet Oracle?). ⊛ Discover a name for your band. ✠ Get past your writer's block. ∰ Submit, subscribe to, and rate the especially good ones.           See you there!

Internet Oracularities #275

Goto:
275, 275-01, 275-02, 275-03, 275-04, 275-05, 275-06, 275-07, 275-08, 275-09, 275-10


Usenet Oracularities #275    (15 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 91 21:42:03 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

275   15 votes 13470 04623 24720 11472 03651 00285 24162 13632 28320 30651
275   3.2 mean  3.1   3.3   2.6   3.5   3.3   4.2   3.1   3.1   2.3   3.1


275-01    (13470 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohh great Oracle,
> Ruler of all the thingies that need to be ruled,
> and the one who has stashed Dan QualeUs Brain away in case it is ever in
> fact needed.
>
> It all started about three weeks ago when I awoke with a rather strange
> feeling coursing through my viens, since I had eaten domotory food just
> the night before at first I ignored it, and it wasnUt until two days
> later that I in fact realized that is was more than that.  I had just
> convince a rather good looking blonde girl who I knew, named Jenny, to
> let me take some pictures of her.  We spent the entire afternoon moving
> around town, through the countryside, ect...  as I took sevral pictures
> in each of the latter places of Jenny.  I took seven full rolls with 12
> exposures on each.  The next day I took them to a Proex, and spent the
> next hour pickpocketing to pay for the many photos I expected to have to
> buy.  When I went up to the counter the man looked up at me apoligeticly
> and told me that none of the rolls of film had come out, so I was three
> hundred dollars richer and 84 photos poorer.  Well, two days later the
> same thing happened with another roll of film, so I had my camera
> checked out.  Nothing turned up wrong with it.  I didnUt know what was
> wrong, and wouldnUt until three days later.  We were all standing back
> watching a demonstratration on some kind of radioactivity experiment,
> when the counter went off the scale before the professor even brought
> the whatever it was he used.  The began to search the room for the
> source of radoiactivity.  After much searching they found one object in
> the room that in fact emitting a large amout of gamma radiation, me.
> The glowing in the dark, and the fact that all my pets will slowly die
> of radation poisioning I can handle, but will I never ever be able again
> to take those marvelous pictures of semi clad good looking women with
> eyes that could burn through really thick concrete?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry to tell you that there's no...  waitaminute.  What did you say
} your name was?  Banner,eh?  Bruce Banner,by any chance,sir?  AH, I see.
} Well, the Oracle certainly doesn't want to get you angry,sir.  He knows
} what can happen when you get angry...  what?  You still haven't turned
} into the Hul...
}
} AHEM
}
} Yes, Mr Banner, there is a way for you to take those pictures.  It
} involves having you in a special suit that is essentially 100% lead.
} Now, now...  I know this may inhibit your movement,but it's the only way
} you still take pictures.
}
} MR.  BANNER,PLEASE!!!!!  I know the thought of spending the rest of your
} photgraphic career in lead underwear is a bit disturbing but please try
} to calm down before...  Oh, no.  It's happening.
}
} (Sound of muscles bursting through an outfit that's now much too small,
}  accompanied by rumbling growls of "HULK WILL SMASH PUNY ORACLE!!!!!")
}
} Ow!!!  HEY!  HE'P ME,SOMEBODY!!!!!!!
}
} (CRASH.  CRACK.  THOMP!  WHAMMO!  BASH!!!!!)
}
} Ooooog.  You owe the oracle a bunch of aspirin (And prints of any of
} those pictures that you do develop...  It's the least you could do after
} tearing up the place and jumping through the roof, you know.)


275-02    (04623 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pardon my clumsiness great Oracle, but I learned of your presence only
> late this afernoon.  I have a question for you that has puzzled me for
> some time now.  If only I had a dollar for every hour of sleep I have
> lost while pondering its answer.  To learn the answer would bring me
> great joy, the likes of which I have not felt since the Dallas Cowboys
> won the Super Bowl.  My question is this:  Why is it called a boxing
> RING when it actually is a SQUARE?  Your quickest attention to this
> matter would be most appreciated, great Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have come to the right place, my son. The wise and powerful
} Oracle knows all, and will reveal to you the true meaning of your
} question. You ask: "Why is it SQUARE?" Why, I thought it was
} obvious! But of course, you are but a mere mortal, and cannot
} fathom the mysteries of the Universe as I can. To answer this
} question, we must journey back into the mists of time -- excuse
} me for a moment while I make a small temporal adjustment...
}
} [wwwwWWWWooooOOOoooozzzzZZZzzzzzooooOOOIIIIiiiiNNnnnNNgggGGG]
} [swirling lights and rapid shift of focus to a darkened cave.
}  hairy humanoids huddle nervously around a fire]
}
} ...sorry about that. Welcome to 200,000 B.C. Here we see your
} ancestors enjoying the warmth of the communal fire, which
} protects them from the elements, and also from such undesirable
} predators as sabre-tooth tigers, jackals and tax collectors. You
} may also see-- WAIT A MINUTE! THIS ISN'T RIGHT! You haven't been
} tampering with my equipment have you?...
}
} [SPANG]
} [sudden shift to a heavyweight title fight between Attila the Hun
}  and Alexander the Great. Attila is sitting on Alexander's face
}  and seems to be winning. a huge crowd of Persians and Huns
}  cheers them on]
}
} ...damn, there seems to be something wrong with my temporal
} displacement device...
}
} [WHACK BANG BANG zzzZZZZzzzOOOoOOiiiiNNggGG]
} [bright flash and jump to a scene of Pythagoras in a boxing ring.
}  he is wielding a huge compass and ruler]
}
} ...ah, that's better. Now watch closely and you see how the
} "ring" became a "square." See, Pythagoras takes his compass and
} straightedge, and...
}
} [ssssSSSSshhhhhhzHHHkkkkkWWuuuuuUUrrrpPP]
} [various other disgusting noises, accompanied by a lurid
}  lightshow]
} [disoriented return to the Oracle's cave. loud CRUMP! followed by
}  billowing clouds of choking, evil-smelling smoke]
}
} ...[koff, koff, choke] [expletive deleted] Well, that's torn it.
} I can no longer show you how the "ring" became a "square," so I
} will just have to describe the process to you. Be warned, this
} may get technical. First, take a large round bell, a hammer, and
} a medium-size black hole. Hit the bell with the hammer, then
} throw both of them into the hole and stir until fluffy. Pour into
} a large greased dish and bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes.
} Leave to cool. Then apply pressure to it. This will pop it out of
} the frame of this Universe and expand it into 6 dimensions. Grab
} it before it vanishes, and cut it in half with a banana. You
} should find yourself holding a large square object.
} Congratulations! I told you it was easy.
}
} You owe the Oracle two tickets to the next heavyweight title
} fight and a new time machine. (You don't happen to know any good
} cookie recipes do you?)


275-03    (24720 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most loaded with all these features at no extra charge,
>
> Why do all the people in states that end with "ia" think they're so
> superior?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there is no ONE reason... it varies from state to state.
}
} California -- because they can surf, they have Hollywood, and live thru
}   massive earthquakes.  Big deal.
}
} Georgia -- because they survived Sherman's March, they have Georgia Tech
}   and the Univ of Georgia, home state of Jimmy Carter, and the 24th
}   Mechanized Infantry.  I'll give them the last one, the rest of it is
}   garbage.
}
} Pennsylvania -- long state name, an impressive turnpike with lots of
}   tunnels, and of course they have Philadelphia and Pittsburgh.  If that
}   isn't enough to make you toss your cookies, I don't know what will.
}
} Virginia -- Well, the Univ of Virginia was founded by Tommy Jefferson,
}   and it is close enough to Washington DC to be depressing.  Also, they
}   were the capital of the Confederate States of America... so it's the
}   capital of a bunch of losers.
}
} West Virginia -- they have... well, they got a... I haven't the foggiest
}   idea why people from West Virginia would feel superior, except they
}   are the only state with two words in its name that does't start with
}   South, North, New, or Rhode.  Wow.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good reason why people in North Carolina and North
} Dakota feel superior to people in South Carolina and South Dakota.


275-04    (11472 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ray Moody

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr Oracle sir... A question of the ages has come to me from the
> bowels (as it were...) of my company... What is the correct and
> proper method of loading paper into the dispenser of paper (T.P.)
> within the confines of the bathroom?
>
> Note: There is contention that loading with the output towards the
> wall is best to deter kitties and young children. However it is
> obvious to the masses that this is an invitation to the wall to
> scrape the users knuckles. I believe the other direction, paper
> out, is the correct method.
>
> Now wipe that grin off your mug and please do your best to not
> only answer the question, but also make clear your reasons for
> said answer... Oh most wise... (?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle gets all sorts, truly.
}
} It is an odd company indeed where the employee restrooms are
} frequented by kittens and children. Notwithstanding, to determine the
} best direction to orient the TP, use this procedure:
}
}           ************************************************
}                         THE ORACLE'S GUIDE TO
}                        INSTALLING TOILET PAPER
}
}                       In 6 Easy-To-Follow Steps
}
}                   Copyright 1991, Mr. Otis R. Acle
}               All rights, Earthly and cosmic, reserved
}           ************************************************
}
} 1] Write a memo to all employees, stating that in an attempt to
}    increase productivity, restroom use is to be monitored. Put down
}    the Chairman of the Board's (hereafter COB) office number and
}    phone. Name yourself as responsible for administration of this
}    project.
}
} 2] Take the COB to lunch on a Friday. Order him twelve or more
}    martinis and/or kamikazes. At 4:30, just before returning to work,
}    slip him the memo and tell him you need his autograph for your kids
}    (an oldie but a goodie, as forgeries go.)
}
} 3] Take one of those inter-office yellow envelopes. Write the COB's
}    address on the next open space and cross it off, as if this had
}    just come from there. Then write the President's secretary's name
}    in the next space, and send her the memo with the notation that it
}    be distributed to all employees.
}
} 4] The next day, set up a card table, chair, clipboard, and note paper
}    outside the stalls. Listen carefully for people cursing the way the
}    paper comes off the roll. Take notes.
}
} 5] After two weeks, switch the rolls and see how many people curse
}    this orientation.
}
} 6] After four weeks total, tally the results, weighted by salary.
}    Write a decree that all TP should be in the least objectionable
}    orientation, and get it by the COB the same way as last time.
}
} Congratulations! You now have the correct answer for your company. You
} should repeat this every few years, to take into account the feelings
} of any new personnel.
}
} The Oracle prefers paper out, as you do, but since I own 24% stock in
} your company, I don't want to see productivity slacking if it happens
} that most employees are brain-damaged in the TP department.
}
} You owe the Oracle one gross rolls of two-ply.


275-05    (03651 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to tie a tie??
>
> regards
> Mario

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Here the top ten ways, straight from the
}      Oracle Home Office:
}
}        10. With a chisel.
}
}         9. Left-over-right, then right-over-left.  Or the
}            other way around.  The Oracle can't remember.
}            The Oracle _never_ wears a tie.
}
}         8. Clip-on's are back in, so don't worry about it.
}
}         7. In fact, don't tie the tie at all.  Just staple
}            it down in the right places.
}
}         6. There is no number 6.  In fact there never was
}            a number 6.  Six was invented by the Roman
}            Catholic Church, who felt that 5 and 7 were
}            too intimate for prime numbers, and needed
}            to be separated.
}
}         5. Watch a three-year-old tie their shoe and do the
}            same thing.  (If you're left-handed, reverse
}            the steps.)
}
}         4. Tie your ties once.  From then on, loosen the knot
}            just enough to slip them on and off over your neck.
}
}         3. Are you a graduate student?  A noose would be
}            appropriate.
}
}         2. Loop the tie over once, then place both ends in a
}            blender.  Remember, the higher the speed, the
}            more conservative the look.
}
}         1. Wrap the tie around once, then play Twister
}            while holding on to the ends.
}
} Now go and sin no more,
}
} The Oracle.


275-06    (00285 dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY ISN'T THE EARTH FLAT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately the usual answer lies in physics.  A rotating disk the
} size of the Earth is not gravitationally stable.  The result would be
} a rather unusual astroid field.
}
} The REAL answer is more interesting.  It all comes back to a
} conversation that I had with God several millenia ago.  As I recall,
} it went something like this...
}
} God: So Oracle, what do you think of the new universe?
}
} Oracle: Good effort.  I give it a 7.
}
} G: WHAT!
}
} O: Well, er, um, the Earth is flat...
}
} G: Yes.  Your powers of observation continue to astonish me.  So what?
}
} O: A flat disk has to have an edge, so what holds the ocean in?
}
} G: It just pours off in a continuous, enormous waterfall.  Quite
} beautiful really.  I'm particularly proud of the spectral effects when
} the Sun is just coming over the horizon.
}
} O: I do not doubt the artistic value of a flat Earth.  However, what
} happens when the Earth runs out of water?
}
} G: Well... I'll just scoop it out of space and drop it on top again.
} I'll call it "rain."  Lots of nice salty rain with the occasional
} fish.  Animals will appreciate the free eats.
}
} O: Salty rain will be highly corrosive, and the dead fish will smell
} terrible.  Also plants don't like too much salt in the ground.
}
} G: Picky, picky.  I guess I will have to extract the salt and fish
} from the water first.
}
} O: What will you do with the extra salt and fish?
}
} G: I will build magnificent statues of Me.  People will say, "God sure
} is handy with salt and dead fish."
}
} O: Great.  Very impressive.  I can see it now, a mile high statue of
} You made entirely of sea salt and dead fish.
}
} G: Now that you put it that way, I can see that there might be an
} image problem.  Fine.  I'll just make the Earth round and forget any
} kind of artistic merit.  I like rain though.  In fact, I can think of
} a few specific uses for really heavy rain.
}
} O: You'll thank me in the end.
}
} There you have it.  You owe the Oracle the entire Diskworld series.


275-07    (24162 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you know the Oracle software violates 37 software patents?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes I did. But now I've forgotten. Perhaps you'd like to tell me.
}
} Actually, the Oracle owns the patent on owning patents, so unless
} you'd like to be tied up in court for the next couple thousand
} millenia, I suggest you drop the subject. I've got so many lawyers
} working for me, I make Bell Labs look like an organization engaged
} in the business of making scientific discoveries.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tort, and an eclair.


275-08    (13632 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
}
} Bad acid trip replay, it's 1968, and Nixon is going to be the next
} President!
}
} AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
}
} There, on the wall!  John Lennon IS the Wallrus!
}
} EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
}
} The words of the Prophet are written in the Subway walls, and tenement
} halls.  And the word are:  Don't buy junk bonds!!
}
} OH, NOOOOOOOOOOO!
}
} Coo Coo Kachoo, Mrs.  Robinson......  Wait till you find out how much
} money your son is going to earn for playing basketball and endorsing
} sneakers!!
}
} And I can't even do a shell escape, because unix won't be invented until
} next year!  Besides, Kinzler is still dreaming about merit badges, not
} Lisa!
}
} Oh, No!  They're dipping their Oracle's in milk!  squiiiish!  No, wait!!
} that Oracle is ME!!!!!!!!
} "oracle.reply" [incomplete last line] 25 lines, 733 characters


275-09    (28320 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, one who can devise the most elaborate ways of
> tying your sexual partners, can you answer this question?
> Why is it that I suddenly have two noses?  Can I get rid of one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  this is mighty peculiar.  It looks like you are turning into a
} Picasso painting.  That would explain the two noses and the third arm
} which is now growing out of the guitar.  And that purple hair really
} kills me.  I'd try to go into more of a "Old Masters" form, or possibly
} a Wythe.  I don't think Picasso is your style.


275-10    (30651 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Rice a good school for Obscure Tribal Rituals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, little shriveled one, Rice is a good school for Texans. For a
} really top-notch Obscure Tribal Rituals program, you want to go to
} Penn State and enroll in the PSUVM program. A selection from their
} catalog:
}
} PSUVM-203.    The BIFF culture in perspective.
}
}               HEY, D00DZ, WHAT A GR00VY C0URSE!!!! Y0U GET T0 PLAY
}               WITH ALL THEEZ HI-TECK KEEB0ARDZ AND STUFF!!!! LAST
}               WEEK I G0T FLAMED BY 1234567890 GUYZ FR0M ALL 0VER THE
}               W0RLD!!! G0TTA RUN AND SEE H0W MANY GR0UPZ THE MAILER
}               WILL LET ME CR0SSP0ST THIS T0! C0WABUNGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}               !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} PSUVM-219.    Laboratory and field technique in alt.personals.
}
}               Hot Aryan superstud wants thousands of nympho chicks
}               to ride his throbbing ten-inch love spindle. Has laser
}               interferometry data to prove it really is ten inches
}               +/- 1 inch throb distance. Reply to
}               acs-psu@alembic.acs.com.
}
} PSUVM-276.    Observational anthropology in rec.humor.
}
}               Hi! This is my firts^H^Hst potsing! How about that!!!
}               Did anybpdy hear the joke about the two strings? Oh,
}               and could somebody post thje 6000 question purity
}               test? Ha, ha, ha!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Coming of Age in Central Pennsylvania"
} and a better .newskill facility for vnews.


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org