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Internet Oracularities #276

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Usenet Oracularities #276    (16 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 13 Mar 91 11:23:08 -0500

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276   16 votes 13660 19330 34900 30661 22345 54412 25225 14461 20356 33550
276   3.0 mean  3.1   2.5   2.4   3.1   3.5   2.4   3.2   3.1   3.8   2.8


276-01    (13660 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if magic were to appear suddenly in our own mundane
> world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean, of course "What if YOU were suddenly capable of performing
} magic?"  Magic already exists, you are just too feeble to use it.  Watch
} this:                           *
}                    * *  ****  **
}                     *      *
}                  ***  POOF! *
}                 *   *      * *
}                 **   *  ****
}                  *          **
} SEE?  I'VE TRANSFRO^H^HORMED YOUR TERMINAL INTO A VT100!!  NOW I'LL CHA
} NGE IT BACK AGAIN, 'CAUSE APPEARING IN ALL CAPS IS BAD FOR MY IMAGE.
}                         \\
}                          \\/\
}                           \/\\
}                            |~~~~~~~~|
}                            | BZAPT! |
}                            |________|
}                                 \\/\
}                                  \/\\
}                                     \\
} Now, back to your question.  What would happen if you gained magical
} powers?  Well, you'd have a good time for a while, ensorcelling nubile
} maidens, transmuting lead into gold, and camp stuff like that.  Before
} too long, you'd attract the attention of someone powerful, and probably
} nasty, like, say, Cthulu, and then unpleasant things would start
} happenin-
}                            *
}                    * *  ****  **
}                     *      *
}                  ***  POOF! *
}                 *   *      * *
}                 **   *  ****
}                  *          **


276-02    (19330 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, thou great and allwise, who canst see the fnords as clearly
> as an eagle spoteth an elephant, please once and for all unveil this
> mystery: Where the heck does `Foo' come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} a) The beginning of `FUBAR'
} b) The complementary variable to `Bar' in the programs of geek hackers.
} c) A sign held by the legendary Daffy Duck.  (`Silence is Foo')
} d) Word created by the ancients to separate the wheat from
}    the chaff, the sheep from the goats, the men from the
}    boys, and those who would ask questions of the Oracle
}    that could be more easily answered by the person at the
}    next terminal from those who ask questions such as:
}    "What will become of my gonads when I am no longer on
}    this earth?"
}
} You owe the Oracle, and we know where you live.


276-03    (34900 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh really neato Oracle,  why do I think that the
> Little Mermaid is so cute?  I find myself
> attracted to Ariel.  I realize she's just a cartoon
> but I think I'm in love.  Is this normal?
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Of course you find yourself attracted to the Little Mermaid. The
} merfolk have long been found irresistable by the landed human beings.
} Is it normal? No. Not at all. Inter-special marriages between mer- and
} human beings are quite tough to pull off. Considering the fact that
} Ariel is only two-dimensional, the Oracle imagines that your
} honeymoon might be a little...uninspiring. Not to mention that she is
} now happily married to an enterprising young prince (aren't all the
} good ones, though?). You should try and wean yourself of this doomed
} attraction: go rent out some other movies, such as Snow White,
} Sleeping Beauty, etc, etc. If you can at least keep your obsessions
} limited to the human race, the Oracle thinks you'll be much better
} off.


276-04    (30661 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are people so nasty to each other on the net?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Its all part o' "The Flame Game" l'il pardner.  Out here
} on the ImPonderableOssa, you got yerself 3 kinds uh netters.
}
}       1.  Mr. Wizard  -- Makes his own newsgroups like alt.immense.penis
}                        and makes fun of mere mortals like yourself.  Has
}                        totally given up hope of ever finding a member
}                        of the opposite sex to mate with.  Mates with
}                        TK50 tape drives instead.
}
}       2.  Mr. Opinion  -- This guy has an opinion and he's always right.
}                           He's "Mr Big" on talk.rape and even more
}                           authoritative on the abortion newsgroups.
}                           Is totally against abortion and uses his
}                           emotional arguments to support his facts.
}                           This kind of person proves something by
}                           assuming what they're trying to prove, and
}                           then proving it true.  Grooves on lingerie
}                           adds in Sears Summer Catalog.
}
}       3.  Mr. Clueless  -- This guy is basically harmless except he can
}                           get himself into trouble by doing naughty
}                           things like, posting his income tax return
}                           to all of usenet.  Does not understand the
}                           concept of "limited distribution" and probably
}                           doesn't care.  Totally entranced by his
}                           "virtual reality."
}
} Now, in order for this to make sense, you must understand and appreciate
} the following rule.
}
} DEF|  Oracles Netter Incompatibility Theorem.
}
}       If you get two or more netters of different subphyla
} arguing over something stupid, a flamewar ensues.  Not only
} are they afraid of someone else having an opinion contrary to
} their own, but are also afraid of someone elses opinion being
} more popular than theirs.  They feel that they can win public
} support by deluging the net with megs and megs of messages that
} no one else wants to read.  This most often occurs when 2 Mr.
} Opinion people go head to head. (Ugly scene indeed)..  Wizards
} never bother arguing with each other.  The Clueless ones don't
} know how to reply to mail, so they're relatuvely quite unless
} someone fucks up and shows 'em how to reply.
}
}       Could be a personality clash.  Could be repressed homosexual
} feelings that they can only express via long and bozoic dissertations
} on boring subjects.  BTW, If you've read this far, you don't need
} glasses.
}
} You owe the oracle one nude 3-D picture of some kicking babe.


276-05    (22345 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Eees enybaady out dere?  Sumbaady pleees tale me ware dee baste
> place ees to go for dee opcaaming Spreeng Brake.  By dee way, I don'
> reeely like dee cold wader.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > set translation-mode = mock-swedish
}
} Vayl, lemme tell yu, my frend, dee baste place fer dee Spreeng Brake ees
} dee Flaaridah.  Lotsa nahce beeechs, lotsa preetty girls, vunderfool
} weder.  An' dare ain' too meeny sharks in the wader, neether.  Dee food
} is very nahce, too:  I vonce hadda Spanish meal dere vhat voold make yer
} mout' wader sumtin' fierce!  I tell yu 'bout eet:  First, yu taka beeg
} cheeken.  Den, you pluck out all'is feders.  Hey, yu, cheeken!!  Get
} back heer!  I gotta pluck out all yer feders!  <CRASH!!> Vhy yu cheekin,
} I'ma gonna get yu fer dat!  <CRUNCH!!> Oooof-da!  Vhere's my shotgoon?
} Vhere my shotguun?  I'ma gonna keeell me dat cheeken...
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a translation of "Hey verspurn, verspurn die
} durshdedoo!  Hey verspurn, sprun durschdedoo:  Bort!  Bort!  Bort!"


276-06    (54412 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I ate all the Frusen-gladje.  I also ate all the Cracklin' Oat Bran.
> What more is there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What more, indeed, oh irksome youth.
}
} Thy whining, impish countenance assails my wondrous wit.
} What more?  Of spoiled, adult children do thou not me ask,
} Who desire to ingest the frozen issue of a bovine teat?
} Whose only virtue is its mangled name,
}   emerging from some swollen, stinking, sodden Swedish trask.
}
} A generation has misplaced its wholesome pride,
} And stoops to graze on cardboard-clad faux forage.
} Observe the brainless cudding of a Birkenstock clad bride
} of Birkenstock clad groom.  Where goes cotton tie-dye,
}   there goes mental bye-bye.  Haul them wailing into storage.
}
} What more is there?  Oh, but lift your eyes above
} The wretched demoniac wiggling of the nubile succubi
} Which people that corrupt Instrument of Evil.  I speak of
} The Heinous Television.  That Pandora's box stares at
}   our innocents, and bids them abdicate their minds with xray lullaby.
}
} Hoist you up your spear.  Step out into a savage, desert land.
} Wreck and Ruin and Waste do leave you in your wake.
} Petty Despots kneel before you;  Collect them up into your hand,
} And throw them into dungeon deep.  Slay you their men,
}   lay siege their towns,
}   destroy their tepid waterways, their thirst to leave unslaked.
}
} Wait a minute, you already did that.  Okay, I know of a place in
} Ithaca, New York that sells organic corn flakes.  It's on Cayuga
} Street.  Look for tie-dye tee-shirts.  Tell `em I sent you, and that
} I'll be in to work my shift on Thursday.
}
} You owe the Oracle a six-pack of tofu (firm).


276-07    (25225 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I work for a small time software developer who is always claiming that
> he is an "engineer," and that the systems *he* builds are "engineered."
> But it looks to me like he just hacks them together like everyone else.
>
> What does UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU}UUUUU
> UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU}UUUUU18;1HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, it looks like the engineer finally killed another "computer
} scientist."  Hurah!!!!!  Good work!!!


276-08    (14461 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aftahnoon, Mistah O.,
>
> Me 'n' de boys just got done wid a kidnap job, see?  We aksed for
> $25,000 in small bills for da kid, an' his parents sent us dis suitcase,
> see?  And inside there was a bill from AT&T for $15.94, and a bill from
> the city for $22.13, and a bill from Rhonda's House of Pain for $33.76,
> and anyways when the kid added 'em up for us, they was sure enough for
> $25,000 all told.  Should we pay them?  It don't seem right, somehow.
>
> Socko

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Deah Socko,
}
}       Sure.  Ya shud pay 'em cuz you asked fer 'em.  Now de conventinal
} wizdum on bills is like diss see.  If ya don't want ta pay 'em see, den
} you jus' put 'em back in da male box see.  Nice and slow see... Dat's
} da way ya do it.. Nice... and... Slow.....
}
} Ahem.
}                                               Da Oracle see....
}
} BTW, You promised ya return da kid right?  Didja say how yud return
} 'im?  I suggest Federal Express or a fax machine. :-)


276-09    (20356 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ... what the true origin of that foul-sounding language COBOL is.  Most
> certainly, a human didn't produce it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, that's right, no human has produced COBOL.  This horrid language,
} which can parch even Eddie Murphy's throat, was invented by an evil
} breed of German midgets known as the COBOLds.  They were squat, ugly
} creatures with small piggish eyes, filthy beards, large axes, bad
} temper, aunts named Gretchen, silly hoods, stumpy teeth, strict
} herring-and-potatoes diets, short stubby fingers, large smelly feet and
} a lisp of the sort that might be cute on little half-elves with tight
} pants and tits that defy the laws of gravity, but it most certainly
} wasn't cute on them.  The COBOLds used to live in German copper mines,
} from which they abducted the copper and replaced it with cobalt, a
} stupid metal they'd bought *en masse* from a mail order firm that
} advertised in the back pages of *The L.A.  Freep*.  Such were the ways
} of the COBOLds.  But when they had tucked away all the copper in Germany
} way down in their subterranean closets, the mines obviously had to be
} closed down.  And the COBOLds got cross because they had nobody to annoy
} anymore.  For a while, they just sat there, picking their runny noses
} with their short, stubby fingers and tried to find out new ways to get
} on humankind's nerves.  Gradually, an evil plot developed.  They began
} to infiltrate the computer world, hiding under mouse mats, in 80MB hard
} disk drives, in empty Chinese takeaway cartons, in those stupid RS-232
} ports, yes, unsuspected by us, they became part of the *programming
} environment*.  And then, just as they had done in their old mines, they
} began to snatch away pieces of code and replace it with long, rambling
} word sequences (remember that they of German origin were, and life-long
} experience of lots of words to incomprehensible verb constructions make
} together put have) such as:
}
} "ADD TWO TO TWO GIVING FIVE"
}
} Soon, there was no normal code left, and every new piece of code
} produced near a COBOLd abode was instantly replaced by these horrible
} ramblings.  And so, the programmers resigned and learned to program in
} COBOL, a habit which over the years gradually wore their fingers down to
} short stumps, much like COBOLd fingers.  And that's probably what these
} despicable gnomes were after in the first place, envious as they are,
} those foul pixies, those gruesome brownies, those malodourous mannekins,
} those sinister sprites, etc.  etc.  (I don't like them)


276-10    (33550 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ye Oracle of most profound and divine wisdom, could you please answer
> a question for me which has perplexed the most skilled philosophers for
> countless centuries:
>
> What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sometimes the oracle thinks that the whole universe is full of dunces.
} Do you have any idea how often the oracle is asked this question?  As
} far as I'm concerned, this question demonstrates the undeniable
} existence of convergent mental evolution.  I mean how many civilizations
} have existed since the dawn of time, and on how many planets distributed
} throughout the universe...  (on second thought, should I be spoonfeeding
} you these questions as well?) In any case, I must see this about five
} hundred thousand times a day in at least as many languages.  What do you
} people do for fun anyways?  Pull the wings off flies?
}
} It reminds me of the old joke about the behavioral psychologist and the
} frog that he'd trained to jump when given the verbal command `Jump.' He
} chopped off one of the frog's legs and gave the command.  The frog
} jumped.  He chopped off another leg and said `Jump.' The frog jumped
} (somewhat more feebly).  He chopped off another leg and said `Jump.' The
} frog pushed with it's one remaining leg, clearly still responding.  The
} scientist finally removed the last leg and said `Jump.' No response.  An
} entry was made in the scientists notebook ``Legless frog now deaf''.
}
} No matter how often I answer this question I still get it back again.
} You lowly beings are obviously incapable of understanding the answer!
} How petulant do I feel this instant?  Should I even answer at all?  What
} would happen if I didn't answer this question?  (Of course I know the
} answers to all these questions, but you don't ha!)
}
} OK, OK, OK...  Here's your answer:
}
} ****
} The force vector reflects back upon itself in space-time and creates a
} standing wave between the big bang singularity and the position-instant
} of the meeting.  The effects of this wave are seen most directly on your
} world in Charlie's Angels reruns whenever any one of the women chases a
} suspect while wearing high heels.
} ****
}
} The boon for this particular question service is simple.  You must
} commit your eldest child to an adolescence dominated by brutal,
} meaningless sport and rising at six o'clock every Saturday morning.  The
} easiest way to achieve this on your world is to commit your child to
} Minor Hockey.  (For some reason this question is extremely common in a
} place called Canada.  Go figure.)


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