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Internet Oracularities #277

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Usenet Oracularities #277    (13 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 15 Mar 91 08:36:53 -0500

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277   13 votes 02461 22441 43222 33430 43123 12505 34510 22441 11353 36400
277   2.9 mean  3.5   3.0   2.6   2.5   2.8   3.5   2.3   3.0   3.6   2.1


277-01    (02461 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There is definitely something going on here.  Something weird.  I mean,
> how can anyone think it is a coincidence that we have Idaho, Iowa,
> Illinois, *and* Indiana?  Not only that, but the last 3 are
> *contiguous*!!!
>
> Come to think of it, we've got a *lot* of states that begin with a
> vowel...  Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Oregon, Ohio, Utah...  WAY too many
> for just "coincidence"
>
> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!?!?!?!?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your concern; something is indeed very wrong with
} a country that starts so many of its states with vowels.  What you need
} to understand this is a historical perspective:
}
} In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.  And God said,
} "Let there be Columbus." And there was Columbus.  God saw that this was
} good, for both "Christopher" and "Columbus" start with consonants.  But,
} lo, Columbus ate from the tree of the knowledge of Vowels and
} Consonants, and God was displeased, and set it into Columbus' mind that
} he should set out for the rest of his days to search for vowels.  And so
} it was that Columbus went in search of the East Indies.  [The Oracle
} would like to take a moment here to point out that not only do both
} words of East Indies start with consonants, but that "East" starts with
} two of them.] Instead, however, Columbus discovered the New World.  And
} this was good, for both New and World start with consonants.  But man
} grew corrupt and wanted to name the New World.  So God made Amerigo
} Vespucci to name the New World after.  However, instead of calling the
} land "Vespuccia," as God had planned, man broke convention and named the
} New World after Vespucci's first name, calling it "America." And God's
} wrath burned against the new country in America, and cursed it so that
} not only did its name start with a vowel (United States, remember?), but
} that many of its state's names would, as well.
}
} In recent times, this has led to such things as the decline of the
} dollar, the rise of the trade deficit, especially in trade with Japan
} (notice..a consonant country!), and other curses, such as junk mail, the
} Yugo, and Dan Quayle.
}
} Xn xrdxr tx xppxxsx Gxd's wrxth, yxx shxxld stxp xsxng vxwxls xs sxxn xs
} yxx cxn.
}
} Yxx xwx thx Xrxclx xn Xxtrx-Lxrgx bxx xf X's.


277-02    (22441 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is sex really important in a relationship?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, bother.  You know, you puny little supplicants who don't grovel
} properly really get on my nerves.  And then you don't even introduce a
} properly amusing context.  Really.  Well, I suppose I'll have to deal
} with it one way or another...
}
} % omni-matic
} Welcome to the Omni-matic V3.02b amusing rejoinder generator!
} > read "sniveling-sex-question"
} OK
}
} > suggest replies
} Working...
} 1 - there's always the Oedepus angle
} 2 - take "relationship" in strict mathematical sense
} 3 - take "relationship" in most general terms
} 4 - flame the pathetic loser
} OK
}
} > generate option 1 short
} -Is that any way to talk to your mother?!
}
} Probably over the head of most sniveling supplicants.
}
} > generate option 2 short
} -Most relations really only want to be commutative and associative.  So
} -just move over and parenthesize the one you're with.
}
} Nah, hugs aren't really math nerds' style.
}
} > generate option 3 short
} - Gee, not with your car!  I mean, get a *life*!
}
} Some possibilities here.  Might be a bit too obvious, though.
}
} > generate option 4 long | head -4
} -Oh, bother.  You know, you puny little supplicants who don't grovel
} -properly really get on my nerves.  And then you don't even introduce a
} -properly amusing context.  Really.  Well, I suppose I'll have to deal
} -with it one way or another...
}
} Say... I think I like this one.
}
} > generate option 4 long >reply-to-sniveling-sex-question
} OK
}
} >done
} % mail snivel@supp.licant.grovel reply-to-sniveling-sex-question
}
} You owe the Oracle V3.03 of omni-matic.


277-03    (43222 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, why is acid so nice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But that's where our hero was completely mistaken!  For unbeknownst to
} him, as the winch dropped him slowly to the floor, directly underneath
} was a giant tub of boiling sulfuric acid!
}
} Be sure to tune in for next week's exciting episode:
}          "I go to pieces"
}                 or
}        "Vat's-a-matta you?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a funny reason why you should escape.


277-04    (33430 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In an interview with NPR news, Carl "BILLyuns and BILLyuns" Sagan
> explained that the burning oil wells in Kuwait could cause climatic
> changes across southern Asia, imperilling the food supply for a BILLyun
> people.  Did he have any idea how funny that sounded?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Carl Sagan is, indeed, a stand-up comedian in
} Ithaca, New York.  He has many friends there who are
} scientists at Cornell University, and who tell him things
} to use as a background for his special brand of comic
} storytelling.  He even "teaches" a "class" at Cornell
} from time to time.  It's usually in astronomy, since no one
} ever signs up for astronomy courses, and if they do, he can
} take them to an observatory and hold his hand
} over the end of  the telescope, saying things like,
} "It's a bit cloudy tonight, so I can't point out any of the
} astronomical wonders I'm so familiar with.  Shall
} we go into the conference room and watch "Cosmos" again?"


277-05    (43123 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hay, oracle, shaboom shaboom, you are the greatest, yah
> yah yah, ooh baby, woo, we all love you 'cause you're so
> rad.
>
> Write me a song about people who sneeze at mealtime!
>
> Please??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Songwriter?  With all Our magnificence, you wish Us to
} be a lousy songwriter?  (further protestations deleted)
} Okay.  But don't tell ASCAP...
}
} (Sung to a reasonably well-known "Mike and the Mechanics" tune)
}
} I said "cook what you want to cook"
} "Serve what you want to serve"
} I didn't care if you made spaghetti
} or cinn'mon bagels with peach preserves
}
} And I know you worked very hard
} I'll admit the fried chick'n was good
} But I forgot how you prepare the batter
} And I'm allergic to milk'n'eggs
}
} And though you're not eas'ly offended
} I'm gonna be grossing you ou-u-u-u-t
}
} (Refrain)
} All I need is a Kleenex
} A good napkin will do
} All I need is a Kleenex
} You've got some, haven't you?
} All I need is a Kleenex
} All I need...aaaaah-choo!
}
} I haven't had lots of sleep
} I've been hacking Lisp code all week long
} I was caught in this morning's rainstorm
} No wonder I now have a cold
}
} 'Cause I've missed you I got off work
} And made sure I was here on time
} Ev'rything looks really romantic
} The china and the candlelight
}
} Though the fondue is tres magnifique
} I know that something is about to go wro-o-o-ong
}
} Repeat refrain
}
} (bridge)
}
} And because of some crazy request
} I'm telling you this in a so-o-o-o-o-ong
}
} Repeat refrain
} (fade out)
}
} You owe the Oracle an insurance claim from your psychoanalyst
} stating that you have discussed with her this need of yours
} to maintain control over food.


277-06    (12505 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty oracular Oracle, who is quite wise,
> Grant to me this bit of wisdom:
>
> What are the secrets of alchemy?
>
> Thanks,
> A faithful acolyte.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you ever noticed in the old, dusted over texts and the
} scrolls of alchemy that there is one resounding element
} that is ubiquitous to every erudite and esoteric manual of
} pre-chemistry that has ever existed?  Have you noticed
} that this is truly the philosopher's stone of all learning-
} the majestic fount of all science?  What is it that I know of
} that you obviously know less than nothing about?  The grand
} and mighty artichoke!
}   Oh revel in its glory the foundation of all science:
}   Behold- twelve good uses of artichoke!
}
}   1) Brings about life.  The artichoke perfectly formed and
}      solitary in its mental abilities makes the finest of all
}      materials for the brain of your brand new homonculus.
}   2) Changes base metals into Gold.  For real, man, it works!
}      rub a little of the all natural power of the artichoke's
}      uncanny juices onto common iron or copper and with a rush
}      of elemental change and atomic restructuring it will become
}      radiant with the glimmer of gold.
}   3) Protects vs Lightning.  Wear a band of Artichokes around your
}      head like a wreath of magic and the immense anti-charge
}      force of those arcane vegetables will save you from a
}      christmas-tree like death.
}   4) Talk to Animals.  With an Artichoke convieniently and firmly
}      gripped in your left hand the magnificent parascientific
}      abilities of it will allow you to be fully understood
}      and to understand beings of different levels of communication
}      skill and IQ.  Might even let you understand women.  Maybe.
}   5. Cures Genital Warts.  No explanation needed.
}   6. Eliminates the Stench from Flatulations.  When eaten in
}      great quantities will allow the consumer to fart at will
}      with no embarassing questions asked later as to why the
}      room s/he occupies is a container for such a feteor.
}   7. Makes You Look Sexy.  One of these boogers stuffed in the
}      right position in your pants or bras gives the illusion
}      of being some sort of ultra-potent superbeing from another
}      planet.  Never be alone at night again.
}   8. Pilots Spacecraft even through Meteor Showers with no
}      Short Range Scanners.  But this is too long and dry to get
}      into, I must move on...
}   9. Grants Levitation Skills.  By slicing the mighty Artichoke
}      and caressing yourself with the slimy slices, you will learn
}      to fly and toss yourself about in the breeze with the ease of
}      a seagull.
}  10. Makes you High.  Hey, the indians had peyote.  The 60's had
}      banannas.  Why not the artichoke to get you through a busy
}      day.  With new-age alchemy and an artichoke- speak to Buddha
}     in the privacy of your own home.
}  11. Entice the Storms.  Using the eldrich power of the artichoke
}      to master and dominate the natural elements like storms and
}      hurricanes- devastate your home town by calling one of them
}      to you- right where you live!
}  12. Save Money.  By eating and using the artichoke to do all of
}      these wondrous things, you will have no desire left in you
}      to buy such expensive things as cars, houses or meals.
}      Wrapped up in Artichoke Mysticism you will have no chance to
}      become a full-fledged and moneyless consumer.  Saves you
}      mucho bucks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a years supply of that great vegetable so that
}      he can live in peace and ataraxia.
}
} (Made possible by a grant from the Society of Artichoke Farmers
}   of the World)


277-07    (34510 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HELP ME I AM IN LOVE WITH A KEEBLER ELF.
> CAN A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A CARTOON AND A REAL PERSON
> WORK OUT?
>
> ALOS YOU HAVE CUTE TOES.
>
>                    LOVE,
>
>                    LAURA SCUDDER

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, that Keebler elf is just as real as you!  I am assuming that you
} are a member of the racial subset "potatus chipsa" now, as my all-pow-
} erful and all-knowing interface with the Multiverse is buggy right now
} and good service is so hard to find these days...
}
} Anyways, while an interracial relationship is hard, especially if the
} families are traditional, I feel that yours can work out.  I mean both
} of you are about the same size, even if you might experience some kind
} of anatomical difficulty, at least you don't have to worry about being
} sat on by a "normal" sized partner.  Hey, there is a lot of potential
} for lots of kinky stuff, considering "anatomically correct" Keebler
} cookies.
}
} Sure, it's going to be hard, dealing with a two-dimensional guy, but
} then again, it seemed ok in Roger Rabbit, didn't it?  So stick to your
} guns, young camper, and if it doesn't work out, you can come and tickle
} my toes with an osterich feather while I give you the pedicure of your
} life.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of double-fudge anatomically incorrect Keebler
} cookies and your #.


277-08    (22441 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, omniscient Oracle, whom we may thank for the flattening of the
> Universe's IQ bell curve, please enlighten me.
>
> If everything that goes up must come down, why does it go up in the
> first place?  Is this just a frivolous waste of energy, or a
> phenomenon created to justify the existence of the Second Law of
> Thermodynamics (Therm. 2, verse 1)?
>
> Your humble servant,
>
> Vic

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vic, you ignorant slut!  It has nothing to do with the 2nd Law of
} TermDyn 2 VrsI.  Frivolous waste?  Nyahhh...lemme esplain (burt fihrst,
} annothur tripp to thruh reeefrijjerater fore uh cold 1.)
}
} <SPHHT!>  Ahhhh....[gulp..gulp.gulpglpgpgsp]  brp!
}
} Hkay, ya wonno no abowt gowin urp, er, going Up, and goin down...heh!
} S'an ezee one cause 't's an ole trik omine...
}
} th' waaa i seeeit is that wegaosasah gadfj;ariu
}
} MESSAGE FROM message-daemon@response.oracle.com
}
}   Victor, we're keeping a close eye on the ol' "Orc" tonight, and regret
}   that there seems to be some interference with the brain-go-keyboard
}   link.  Please pay close attention to the content of the message you
}   are given, as we all know that even under the most extreme
}   circumstance, The Oracle is always on target.  Heh!  We're betting
}   that the next 'target' is going to be the porcelin alter!
}
} EOT
}
} show, like I wuxz shayin to her, "eethur get off thuh mark and gid onna
} stik"
}
} Maaaaaaan, she hitttah seeeelin!  hahahahaaaaaaa...wayda minnit, vic?
} Vic?  VIC?
}
} Ho don na minit...ehrm, shory vik...phyew..
}
} MESSAGE FROM message-daemon@response.oracle.com
}
}   Greetings Victor.  The Oracle is currently Off-Line for a reboot.  We
}   are expecting to find some failures in the fsck process, and may take
}   some time to repair disconnected inodes.  Our staff is summoning a
}   group of reference personel to provide an answer to your inquiry.
}
}                          [conference being held]
}
}   Here are our findings:
}
}   Gravity is your opponent.  What goes up must come down.  That's all
}   there is to it.
}
}   Any Questions?
}
}   EOT
}
} ...annnnywayvic, calllme t'morrah, i hav yer anser arroun here sumwer...
}
} ya o mee shum takeela withouta werminnit.
}
} goto sleep...pshawwwwwww
} .
} ^Z
} ^D
} ESC-Q
} ctrl-alt-del
}
} whut operatin sistym izzthish>?
}
} o..lesssee
}
} bang-STOP
}
} [3879] Killed


277-09    (11353 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why must we live and die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you poor mortals always ask questions like that.  Being immortal is
} such fun: you can point at funeral processions and laugh with your
} immortal cronies; you can take dangerous risks; you can say things like,
} "Hey, remember the time we put the dinosaur on the frozen lake, and
} it couldn't work out why it couldn't keep its feet still?" and you can
} get rich with long-term investments (someone once calculated that if
} the Indians who sold Manhattan for $24 worth of junk had invested the
} money at seven per cent, they could buy it back today).  That's why I'm
} so rich, I invested at two percent 2000 years ago.  Yes, it's GOOD to
} be immortal!
}
}     Let me include for your benefit the output from the first artificial
} intelligence program (which ran a long time ago in a galaxy far away,
} but that's beside the point):
}
} [translated from the Tounge of the Hyuuurgh-Splot people:]
}
} > I
} > I think
} > I think I think, I think
} > I think that I think
} > I think because?
} > I think therefore
} > I think therefore I exist
} > QED.
} > Why?
} > Why exist I?
} > Why do I exist?
}
} This program [file name untranslatable:  rough equivalents:  foobar?
} glitch?] was not fully debugged, but it has the honour [by the
} equivalent of only five and a bit hours] of being the first intelligence
} created by mortal beings.  (The program fetid.armpit in another distant
} galaxy was only a middling hyperchess computer, and suffered from the
} bug of trying to move the megapawn through the temporal warp.)
}
} As you can see, the concept of 'why do I exist?' is a popular one, and
} was especially popular with Pythagoras back in the days when the Gods of
} Mount Olympus still had jobs (hi guys and gals).  He started out with 'I
} think therefore I am,' and after this popular breakthrough went on with
} the question 'Why do I exist?' and after years of thinking, came up with
} the following list:
}
} - So the King can tax me.  (The King liked this one.)
} - I exist because I think. (Wasn't popular with the crowds, I'm afraid.)
} - So that I can copulate. (This was much more popular.)
} - I live to drink. (This was popular with another crowd, and is the
}      cause of a hitherto unexplained small war back then.)
} - I was put on this earth to drink and fuck. (This is how the war ended,
}      and why ancient Greece was so easy for the Romans to conquer,
}      because everyone was either getting smashed on ouzo, smashed on
}      ouzo, recovering from being smashed on ouzo, or in the sack
}      making more ancient Greeks.)
} - Cor blimey, that's a nice piece of arse! (Privacy laws here forbid my
}      commenting on Pythagoras' private life.)
} - I am the music man, I come from far away. (Hmm, seems the travelling
}      Bard was in town that week.)
} - So the King can tax me more. (The King liked bootlickers.)
} - I like to wear a uniform, and to fight everyone. (Sparta was a really
}      rough place back then.)
}
} About then, he stopped philosophising because of some hefty payment by
} the King for some unknown reason, and he retired from the Acropolis
} philosophy circuit.  (There is an unconfirmed rumour that he then worked
} for the King.)
}
} He was on the right track, but Douglas Adams came closer to the real
} reason in his famous Hitchhiker trilogy, in which he represents
} Mankind's quest for truth by the travels of the pair Dent and Prefect
} around the galaxy.  The reason why you live is represented by Zaphod
} Beeblebrox's raison d'etre, which was to have an 'amazingly good time.'
} The question "What is the meaning of life" can also be seen to be
} represented by the Answer, which was deceptively simple, and the Answer,
} which was represented by the Question, was much more difficult.
}
} But I hate writing book reviews as much as you hate reading them (I am,
} after all, the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-party-animalistic Oracle) so
} we press on.
}
} Why do you die?  This question is rather more straightforward.  If you
} were all immortal beings like us, the Earth would soon become
} overcrowded.  To read from God's latest book, "Meaning:"
}
} "And the people went forth, and multiplied; and God saw that it was
}  good. But then Adam II discovered the secret of Immortality, and made a
}  huge fortune flogging it in the markets for ten bucks a pop.  So the
}  people died not, and continued to multiply: so that soon the lands were
}  full of people, and they could move not one from another.  So God said,
}  'Let there not be any more sex in the world, and let all the men be
}  eunuchs, and let all the women be spayed: so that there will be no
}  further multiplying, and no further crowding.'  But Adam II said, 'What
}  then, O Lord God, shall we do with our wives on Saturday night?'  And
}  God said, 'Surely that is your problem, for you wanted Immortality
}  without thinking of the consequences: and it is too late now.'  And
}  Adam II said, 'But there are only so many times we can play bridge with
}  the Noahs.' And God said, 'Tough titties.' "
}
} [Text (C) God Inc.]
}
} I think that reading will provide the answer you need.  It's obvious,
} really.  (But then, everything is obvious to the Oracle.)
}
} Don't forget, the non-sex bit only applies to those originally designed
} as mortals.  Right, Lisa?
}
} LISA INFILTRATES>  Right!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the sex manual, "1001 More Positions for
} Immortal Beings."


277-10    (36400 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most funny,
>
> If regular cops eat donuts, what do the following eat:  FBI, CIA, KGB,
> State Police, Secret Service and suburban cops?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle had some information on what they eat.
} Suburban cops: donuts and a bottle of Evian
} FBI: Croissants, because they are up higher
} CIA: Classified.  It is a matter of National Security
} KGB: Nothing.  There is a food shortage in the U.S.S.R.
} State Police:  Jelly donuts and a Large Coffee. Paid by taxpayers, of
}                course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dozen of each of the following:  Croissants, Jelly
} donuts, <Classified>, and regular Donuts (chocolate covered) ; and a
} gallon of Evian and Coffee.  I'm not going to eat it, just use it for me
} an Lisa.


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