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Internet Oracularities #278

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Usenet Oracularities #278    (11 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Mar 91 12:45:31 -0500

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278   11 votes 02522 23420 24320 22520 24230 43400 00452 06221 43310 10550
278   2.8 mean  3.4   2.5   2.5   2.6   2.5   2.0   3.8   2.8   2.1   3.3


278-01    (02522 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, I admit it.  I am totally lost and confused.  All did was head
> down the street, and now everything is like a total blur.  I turned
> around to get back to my room, and the city became a pasture.  How am I
> supposed to deal with this?  What happened to me?  Help!  Wait a minute,
> if I'm still heading down the street, how am I typing the message?  This
> is impossi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ..ble?  It might seem that way, but it's just those little pink pills
} you swallowed at lunchtime.  Face it, buckwheat, you either gotta lay
} off the hallucenogens, or take the consequences.  The Oracle, of course,
} being nearly perfect, does not rely on chemical stimulation to achieve
} the much-vaunted altered state of consciousness.  There's this shell
} script...
}
} > freakout
}
} ...which does the trick quite nicely.  Usually takes a few nanoseconds
} for the ruSSSSSSSHHHHH to HIIIIIIT.  PREEEEEETY flowers
} pinkandblueandredand yellowandmagentaandpurpletoo flowers growing on the
} walls and flying through the air and making love on the floor and little
} furry things with bright golden eyes playing hockey on the screen shoot
} SAVE!  shoot SCORE!!  They win!dows on the world showing three suns
} rising yellow and red and green like giant melon balls on a crystal blue
} plate and they're talking to me in French and Russian and IBM Assembly
} and..  and...  ahhh..  Doesn't usually last much longer than that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a goOHYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGODod
} treament for flashbacks.


278-02    (23420 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose farts devastate the landscape, whose knowledge
> unlocks doors into the unknown...  answer me this humble question:
>
> How can Smurfette always look so alert and awake, considering that she's
> the only female in all of Smurf Village?  Does she use heavy doses of
> Vivarin?  Is she on amphetamines?  Does she wake up to loud doses of
> Metallica??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, dude.  While the Smurfs in general are very eager and cheerful,
} they can't get at Smurfette.  She wears an industrial strength chastity
} belt, that only Papa Smurf has the key to.  This keeps most of the
} Smurfs away, except, of course, Handy Smurf.  (They never could keep him
} out of stuff.) Anyway, this is only two Smurfs that have "access" to
} Smurfette.  Handy is usually more interested in his tools, and Papa
} Smurf hasn't bee functioning too well lately, and, well, magic can only
} do so much.  Remember that one episode of the Smurfs where they had a
} magic egg?  Everyone was turning themselves into Papa Smurf, right?
} Well, I'll give you three guesses as to why, and the first two don't
} count, get my drift?
}
} By the way, all the Smurfs love metal, but a good Thrash band will make
} them go nuts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the July '87 issue of Playtoon.  (The one
} with the neat spread on morning cartoon females...  OUCH!)


278-03    (24320 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Neat stuff, but what do you expect from these guys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bit of a non-sequiter, what? Let me analyse this...
}
} Neat: unadulterated. As in "scotch, neat".
}
} Stuff: to fill to capacity.
}
} Butt: to hit with the head (obviously a spelling mistake).
}
} Watt: A unit of power, also a rating for a light bulb (another spelling
}       mistake, I assume).
}
} OK, now it makes sense.
}
} Hmmm. I suspect if you didn't drink so much scotch you wouldn't try
} to put the lampshade on your head without removing the lamp. Plus, you'd
} make fewer spelling mistakes. The burns will heal in time.
}
} You owe the oracle an invitation to your next party.


278-04    (22520 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> mu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} obviously, this person is trapped in the delusion that they are a
} curious greek cow.  Seek a bovine psychiatrist.
}
} you owe the oracle a purina cow biscuit.


278-05    (24230 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh X Oracle whose Y is greater then Z.whose V I am not worthy to W.
> (while V,W,X,Y,Z are appropriate constants larger then epsilon):
>
> I would first like to notify you that your wisdom is highly appreciated
> even in as far a region as here in Israel.While we were suffering SCUD
> missile attacks your wisdom enlightened our days in the sealed rooms.
> I can't even start to tell you how important your small pieces of light
> were to us in those dark days.
>
> Here in Israel we have a small problem : while seeing alot of the TV
> shows oriented at the US we have no one to ask questions about certain
> elements in them, and I hope you could help me discovering this great
> truth.This question was asked by a famous TV and movie star, whose name
> I will not reveal as advertising in the net is not allowed,but he is
> slightly balding and not at all similar to lisa.
>
> Tell me oh great Oracle:
>
> Do bears bear ?
>
> (I know that asking two questions in one letter is not allowed but
> this could actually help you: usually the following question to this
> is:  Do bees be ? )
>
> my regards and great appreciation, and a warm *hug* to lisa,who comforts
> us so much.
>                                         your israeli fan

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mmm...  well, at least that explains where Lisa has been the last eight
} weeks.
}
} So, do bears bear...
}
}       Well, do eggs lay chickens?  Of course bears bear, as expounded in
} that stunning naturalist documentary series starring Gold E. Lox,
} before it was adapted for children.
}
} And, do bees be...
}
}       As shakespeare originally wrote (before being misprinted early
} this century), `Two bees or not two bees, in fact, no bees at all.'
}
}       This gives us the basic premise of all life:
}
}      `If you do, you will bear, these will be, and probably will do
} too.'
}
} --
} You owe the Oracle a gold envelope containing The Meaning of Life, and a
} flowerpot with a hand in it.
}
} ...and send Lisa home on the next troup carrier.


278-06    (43400 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mistah O.
>
>       My associates and I are gonna go to da "Foxy Boxing" match down
> town in a local club.  (Foxy Boxing being pretty goils boxing each other
> with nothing on otha than a head protector and mouthpeice..  A female
> friend that I work with isupset with me for going.  Se sez that I'm
> "disgusting." My que4stion is..  Is Foxy Boxing disgusting and if it's
> not should I offer to take this lady with us?  I mean, after 10 long
> island ice teas it's conceivable that I could score.  What do youse
> think?  Should I go fer it?
>                                                       Biff

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, sir (and I use the term loosely) are disgusting.  "Foxy Boxing" is
} disgusting, Long Island Iced Tea is disgusting, and I have nothing more
} to say on the matter.
}
} By the way, what time does the show start?


278-07    (00452 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Summer funding for a student?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And in answer I present several other just as likely
} situations:
}    Military spending cut in America.
}    The war of the sexes ends.
}    Ministers pleased with rock music.
}    Top 40 music shunned by a musically sensitive youth.
}    Things start going OK for Arthur Van Penwinkle.
}    Computers understand people.
}    People understand computers.
}    Elvis ressurected.
}    Vending machines that give correct change appear.
}    An arcade game that lasts longer than 4 seconds for 75 cents.
}    Somebody actually does something constructive for the environment.
}    Professors start caring about the grades of students.
}    Students start caring about their grades.
}    Rambo and Rocky films stop being shown.
}    Sylvester Stallone gets a life.
}    Dating is made non-sexist by having the women do some asking out.
}    A clean method of excreting is developed.
}    Flatulation is made a varsity sport along w/burping.
}    Poetry regains rhyme and rhythm.
}    No more "threats to democracy" rise up.
}    America becomes a democracy.
}    Presidents elected because of ability.
}    "America: Love it or leave it" types leave.
}    Holy wars recognized as a contradiction in terms.
}    As is military intelligence.
}    T.V. recognized as hebetator of America's intellect.
}    The intellectuals stop watching T.V. to think of that.
}    Somebody finds a cure for ignorance.
}    COBOL comes back into style along with FORTRAN.
}    Ice cream is made not to drip off of the cone.
}    Incarnations of the Oracle stop being asked about Love.
}    Incarnations of the Oracle stop asking about Love.
}    The Oracle stops asking about Love.
}    Smoking is left up to forest fires, not people.
}    Weathermen who actually predict the weather.
}    Weathermen who actually control the weather.
}    A good excuse for Dan Quayle is found.
}    A good place for Dan Quayle is found.
}    Life is made clear to reason and logic.
}    Cynics stop finding their ways as Oracle Incarnations.
}
}   Well, there are lots more of those similar case possibilities
} existing in plentious multitudes.  Don't try to dwell on them.
} Instead, create your own religion.  You'll do much better that way.
} You owe the Oracle some help on aquiring funds for summer enrollment.


278-08    (06221 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh munificent one, whose love handles have love handles and whose love
> organs are hard to handle [and don't get hard when you handle them]...
> here is my question.
>
> Why do they call Spring Break when Spring doesn't start for another
> week?  And it's too frigging cold to act like Spring no matter what the
> calendar says for at least another two?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is, of course, the time of year when the zen druids of
} Eastern Cuhungula would gather for their annual festival.  (You
} may have heard of this land, they mentioned it a couple times in
} Mission Impossible.)  At the festival, the zen druids would
} always drink lots of mead, get drunk, and break their sickles
} trying to cut frozen mistletoe.  (You see, it is very cold in
} Cuhungula, and good sickles become brittle when they're cold.)
} Thus the term 'Break'.
}
} Over the ages, the zen druids had to change to keep up with the
} times, going through the phases of alchemy, voodoo, black magick,
} and so on through their current guise of quantum physicists.  The
} term 'Spring' is a poke of fun at classical physicists, who think
} that everything acts like a spring and can be described in terms
} of a sine function.
}
} So 'Spring Break' is a term used to honour all the great servants
} of the pagan gods, from Isaac Newton to those women on Bewitched.
} Think of them as you vacation and make like snugglebunnies to
} keep warm.
}
} You owe the Oracle a scroll of relativity written in ancient
} Cuhungulan.


278-09    (43310 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are all the salivatingly sexual Oracle responses always written from
> the viewpoint of a prepubescent male teenager starved for female
> attention?  Are there no queer Oracles?  If there are, will they be
> marching in the St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York?
>
> You owe the Questioner a mug of Irish Coffee and a green condom with the
> printed caption "Kiss Me, I'm Irish!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Prepubescent male teenager is a conundrum, not-so-gentle questioner.
} The average questioner is a teenaged male starved for a hormone fix.
} The Oracle may be a bit eccentric, but She is never "queer".  And, in
} this incarnation, female.  As each Incarnation is a logical creation
} spawned by the virtual, incarnate Oracle, we are not seperate entities
} in any physical sense, and hence cannot march in any parades whatsoever.
}
} I owe you nothing, sirrah.  You, on the other hand, or dick if you are
} the teenaged crunchhead I think you are, owe the Oracle a large apology,
} and three cases of green beer.  To make a start on the apology, write
} out, by hand [with a pen, if you remember what one of those is!] "I will
} not use the word 'queer'" five hundred times.  Send this to the Oracle.
} If I think of anything else, you'll know about it.


278-10    (10550 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I play conquest all the time when I should be
> finishing up my final project in CS210?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Son, I say son.  Are you listen' to me boy?
}
} Why do you ask the Oracle questions.  Why does the sun not rotate around
} the earth.  Why do birds not fly north for the winter.  Why does the
} square root of four have to everything but two?  Why am I asking these
} irrelevant questions?
}
} Procrast, I say PROCRASTINATION son.  Pay attention.  Procrastination is
} the answer!
}
} Y'see, if everybody did something instead of nothing, then everybody
} would get something done, then there'd be nothing left to do.  Then
} everybody would wish they had something to do so they could do nothing
} instead.
}
} Am I gettin' through t' ya boy?
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen chicken wings and six pack


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