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21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:04:02 GMT

Internet Oracularities #279

Goto:
279, 279-01, 279-02, 279-03, 279-04, 279-05, 279-06, 279-07, 279-08, 279-09, 279-10


Usenet Oracularities #279    (12 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 20 Mar 91 20:40:08 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

279   12 votes 04413 53220 24411 22800 41430 31143 24150 31710 21261 22422
279   2.8 mean  3.2   2.1   2.6   2.5   2.5   3.2   2.8   2.5   3.2   3.0


279-01    (04413 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear O,
>
>       A lady friend of mine just came up to me and said "A penny for
> your thoughts." I told her what I was thinking, she slapped me and then
> took off without giving me my penny.  Should I take the law into my own
> hands or should I take her to "The Oracle's Court?" I'm completely
> pissed pissed about this "Penny for youthoughts" thing.  It's a total
> SCAM..  I DEMAND justice!
>                                                       The Plaintiff BTW,
> I do not have any receipts.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Plaintiff...  he got jipped when a friend offered "a penny for your
} thoughts." (that annoying typewriter clacking noise...)
}
} The Defendant...  Claims she was only speaking metaphorically,and
} wouldn't pay for lewd comments about ferrets even if she *was* serious
} (same annoying clacking noise)
}
} "A penny for your ferrets?...  Today on the Oracle's Court.( Judge
} Oracle Wopner presiding)"
}
} *AHEM* will the defendant please approach the bench?  Now, in your own
} words, please describe what happened.
}
} Defendant:  Well, Mr.  Judge,sir, I went up to my friend and began a
} conversation.  A penny for your thoughts, I said.  I didn't expect him
} to take me seriously.  But then he started talking about how he pictured
} me and a few ferrets...
}
}        ------------------------------------
}        | Censored by ABC central, this    |
}        | is a family net you know!!!      |
}        |__________________________________|
}
} ...  so naturally I slapped the pig and walked off in a huff.  The next
} thing I know, I get this call from Doug Llewellan telling me to show up
} here.
}
} Judge O.:  I see.  thank you.  Will the plaintiff please approach the
} bench?  Now, just what did you have in mind when you talked to the
} defendant?
}
} Plaintiff:  Well, like she said...
}
}       --------------------------------------
}       | Censored yet again, and this is    |
}       | your final warning Judge O.  One   |
}       | more word about ferrets and we     |
}       | will be forced to shut you down.   |
}       |____________________________________|
}
} ...  so then she walked off without giving me my penny.  So I took her
} to court.
}
} Judge O.:  Waitaminute, you say that you've done *THAT* before??
} Would...  would you happen to have any pictures of that by any chance??
}
} Plaintiff:  Uh, yeah sure.
}
} Judge O.:  good.  Come closer to the bench.  (whispers)
} Now,listen,Plaintiff, Normally I wouldn't be able to help you get this
} penny.  You see, I'm bound to uphold the laws and since you don't have a
} receipt, I can't rule in your favor.  But if you could get me some of
} those pictures, I might be able to look the other way while my
} stenographer "finds" you a receipt.  Whaddaya say?
}
} Plaintiff:  I'll get 'em to ya by the end of the day, Judge.
}
} Judge O.:  Court is in recess until I make my decision.  (turns to
} stenographer) Edith, I'd like to talk to you for a moment...
}
} (ten minutes later)
}
} Judge O.:  Well, Miss Smarty-Pants defendant, it seems you overlooked
} one small detail.  In the recess a court employee...*AHEM*...  found
} this receipt!!!!  It clearly shows that you did in fact purchase the
} Plaintiff's thought for the price of $0.01 .  Now I suggest you pay up.
} After all it's only a measly little penny.  Court finds the defendant
} guilty.
}
} Plaintiff:  Thanks Judge Oracle...
}
} Judge O.:  No problem,son.
}
} This concludes today's episode of...  "The Oracle's Court"
}
} You owe the Oracle those pictures of the ferr...
}
} URGH!!!  System crash.  Core dumped.
}
}        ---------------------------------
}        | Don't say we didn't warn you  |
}        | "Not another word," I believe |
}        | we said...                    |
}        |_______________________________|


279-02    (53220 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle,  what is your first name?  And while you're at it, what is
> MacGyver's first name, and Colombo's first name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The wisdom of the ages reveals many mysteries.  The great Sysop bestowed
} upon me the name Lawrence Livermore Oracle.  It is revealed that
} Macgyver's original first name is Maurice, and the good Lieutenant is
} named Curlton.
}
} Verily, we are Moe, Larry, and Curly.


279-03    (24411 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to have sex with every female on earth.  How can I accomplish
> this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is sure glad you asked this question.  It's been at least a
} week since the *last* time some *ssh*l* asked it!!
}
} Anyway, before you undertake this task, keep in mind the following:
}
} 1.  Less than 1% of the females on earth for which this is physically
}     possible are human.  If you think your girlfriend gets pissed off
}     when she doesn't climax, wait until you make love to a gorilla!!
}     You're kinda weird, aren't you?
}
} 2.  Of those females that are human, about 1/3 are under 18, and this is
}     generally frowned upon in Western Civilization.  At 10 years per
}     statutory rape conviction, you could be in jail for a l-o-n-g time!
}
} 3.  Of those females that are human and 18 or older, 10% are over 60.
}     Of course, if this sort of thing turns you on, you're really weird.
}
} 4.  Of those females that are human and between 18 and 59, one is your
}     sister, another is your mother.  You're even weirder than I thought.
}
} 5.  Lastly, of those females that are human, between 18 and 59, and not
}     directly related to you, about 10% have some dread social disease
}     that would make you undesirable and possibly kill you.  Weren't you
}     paying attention when they showed that film in 9th grade?
}
} Now, if all of the above doesn't deter you, then all you need to do is
} fly to India, study with Swami Krisnamurti for 25 years and achieve
} true enlightenment and group consciousness.
}
} You owe the Oracle 3 questions that have nothing to do about sex.


279-04    (22800 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Awesome Oracle of Unquestionable Omniscience and Permanent
> Diplomatic Immunity from Look and Feel Lawsuits, please hear the
> pitiful cries of a mortal seeking release from ignorance!
>
> Why are bubble soap and honey the only substances that come in
> bear-shaped plastic containers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's in the Bears' contract, Part III, Sec H, subsec iix. para. d
} clause 1,
}
} "Forthwith the bears, as a species, will not be subjected to
} containerized representations except in the case of honey (the product
} of honey bees), and bubble soap, because bears like to take bubble
} baths.  All other representations, characterizations, likenesses,
} caracitures and replicas, when in the form of a container intended to
} hold a substance, shall be explicitly and perpetually prohibited...."


279-05    (41430 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, well, this is an interesting question. Actually, they *don't*
} get Teflon to stick to the pan. That is the beauty of it, you
} see. You may have noticed that non-stick frying pans gradually
} get less and less non-stick as time goes by. This is because the
} Teflon is gradually wearing off and disappearing into your food.
} Eventually the frying pan becomes totally non-stick, and shortly
} afterwards self-destructs to destroy the evidence.
}
} You see, Teflon has interesting effects upon the human body. When
} ingested, it slowly mutates the hapless victim into one of the
} most feared beasts on this planet: yes, you're right, a (gasp)
} BARGAIN HUNTER!! Anyone who ingests Teflon eventually becomes one
} of these, and is doomed to a life of rummaging around in sock
} bins, trying to find the cheapest pair.
}
} This is actually a scheme initiated by the Spancons from the
} planet Velcro. The idea is that everyone will eventually turn
} into bargain hunters and spend less and less money. The net
} result of this will be the collapse of the global economy. They
} will then invade and bombard us with cheap imported products
} which the bargain hunters cannot resist, and reducing us to
} quivering subservience.
}
} Of course, I am taking a grave risk in telling you this; if they
} Spancons should find out, then I... [ SSSHHHHHZZZZZZPPPPAAAAMMM ]
}
} ( transmission ends in a burst of static )
}
} Boy, do you owe the Oracle now, buddy.


279-06    (31143 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is OMD coming out with a new album or is the world just pulling my
> chain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OMD is of course an opcode in the standard assembly language used
} by MIDI interfaces and music synthesizers worldwide.  I merely
} looked up OMD in my MIDI/ASM manual, and it said:
}
} OMD - Omit Musical Delivery
}       PASS:    a : fan support index
}                b : bucks galore
}       RETURNS: a : pointer to publicity
}                b : constant HOOPLA
}       FLAGS      : CARRY bit set to 0
}
}       This command builds a lot of publicity (returning a pointer
}       to this publicity in the 'a' register) and a lot of hoopla on
}       systems supporting hoopla.  The main thing it doesn't return
}       is an actual album.
}
} Of course, there must be some bugs in this command, as it has
} in fact put out a few albums, and not really all that much
} HOOPLA.  Seeing as how these bugs result in such albums as
} The Pacific Age (one of this Oracle's faves of all time), it's
} a pity said bug isn't reproducable.  And all too sporadic.  Gee,
} there's a whole lot of 'codes in this book I never really noticed
} before.
}
} REM - Ruin Entirely by Mumbling
}       PASS:   a : fan support index
}               b : yet more bucks
}       RETURN  a : occasional album
}       FLAGS     : OVERFLOW bit set to 1
}
}       This command takes some really great music and combines
}       it with vocals that are so poorly enunciated as to cause
}       many songs to be nearly indistinguishable (from one another).
}
} Gee, now here's a command that has some bearing on your question:
}
} FYC - Frustratingly Yank Chain
}       PASS:  a : a whole bunch of motor scooters
}              b : mo' money mo'money mo'money
}       RETURN a : constant HOOPLA
}              b : about three good songs tops on two albums
}       FLAGS    : ZERO bit set to 0
}
}       This command, mistankenly called Fine Young Chemicals by
}       some, though favored by many, generates a lot of HOOPLA
}       (accessible by means of MTV, SNL, and a variety of other
}       TLA commands) generating high expectations, which are then
}       dashed as albums are purchased and it's discovered just
}       how little good material is on the album.
}
} That explains a lot - I bought both their albums and was dissappointed
} each time.  If only I had known what the initials really stood for...
}
} I dare you to ask me whatever happened to Romeo Void


279-07    (24150 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who no doubt has influence with the law officials in Swain
> Country, NC:
>
> Just yesterday, I got a speeding ticket.  I was going 70 mph in a 55 mph
> zone.  Here's what I'd like your help with.  I've never gotten a ticket
> before in my life.  Surely there's some way I can get out of this.  My
> driving record is clean as snow (the unpolluted type).  What really gets
> my goat is that I thought I was on the Interstate (big green signs
> announcing exits and controled access and all).  There are NO towns
> (much less big towns) around, so I figured "speed limit 65," Right?
> Well, I figured wrong.  I didn't even get to enjoy feeling like I was
> speeding.  I'm willing to beg for mercy and even pay the fine, IF it
> will just not go on my record and not increase my insurance (If my
> mother and father don't find out, well that would be nice too).
>
> Thanx soooo much for taking your precious time to help a poor, innocent
> grad student.
>
> P.S.  There is not a defensive driving option to take.  I asked.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you're a graduate student, You might better understand your rather
} limited options if I express them in C:
}
} if((you.cash > 10,000) || (daddy.job == lawyer) ||
}   (daddy.job == judge) || (daddy.status == rich))
}   {
}   you.self_esteem--;
}   hire_lawyer();
}   exit(0);
}   }
} else
}   {
}   if((you.home == Chicago)
}     if(bribe_judge() == 0))
}       {
}       go_to_jail(525);
}       exit(0);
}       }
}     else
}       {
}       case_dismissed;
}       exit(0);
}       }
}   if((judge.sex != you.sex) || ((judge.sex == you.sex) &&
}     (judge.orientation == "homo") && (you.orientation == "homo"))
}   switch (c = try_to_seduce_judge())
}     {
}     case 1:
}       {
}       case_dismissed();
}       exit(0);
}       }
}     case -1:
}       {
}       go_to_jail(730);
}       exit(0);
}       }
}     case 0:
}       {
}       you.self_esteem--;
}       break;
}       }
}     }
}   if(check_ticket_for_errors() == 1)
}     {
}     case_dismissed();
}     exit(0);
}     }
}   else
}     {
}     if(cop_shows_up_in_court() == 0)
}       case_dismissed();
}     else
}       {
}       if((x=strcmp(you.testimony, "mother****ing pig")) ||
}          (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "nazi")) ||
}          (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "fascist")) ||
}          (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "Los Angeles police department")))
}         {
}         go_to_jail(1363);
}         exit(0);
}         }
}       else if ((x=strcmp(you.testimony, "apologize")) ||
}         (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "never do it again")) ||
}         (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "very, very sorry")) ||
}         (x=strcmp(you.testimony, "please, I beg of you")))
}         case_dismissed();
}       if(you.appearance == "bug-infested nerd")
}         {
}         case_settled(215);
}         you.insurance.premium=you.insurance.premium + 450);
}         exit(0);
}         }
}       else if(you.appearance == "clean-cut grad student")
}         {
}         case_settled(125);
}         you.insurance.premium=you.insurance.premium + 450);
}         exit(0);
}         }
}       else if(you.ethnic_type == "minority"
}         {
}         case_settled(2420);
}         you.insurance.cancelled();
}         exit(0);
}         }
}       else
}         {
}         random_settlement();
}         exit(0);
}         }
}       }
}     }
}   }
}
} You owe the Oracle two Solo radar detectors (his 'n' hers, one for
} Lisa), two get-out-of-jail-free cards, and a good C++ compiler.


279-08    (31710 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle whose name i am not fit to capitalize
> why oh why nust I do Data Orginisation and program in
> evil modula that has things like ^.*left=:insanity???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} INDEED, AND modula IS ALSO NOT FIT TO CAPITALISE.
}
} The evil modula must be banished from the the net, nay the world, nay
} the universe.  The ORACLE will help you on your great quest to destroy
} this menace to our socity, with the following advice:
}
} Firstly avoid the one who calls himself 'Pascal', as he is the step
} brother of the evil modula.  He will lead you along the winding road to
} insanity.
}
} On your way, do not be tripped by the C monster who lurks in the maze of
} mallocs, ready to spring his cunning segmentation trap on the unwary.
}
} And then of course there is the dreaded BASIC robot.  Do not be deceived
} by the name, for it is 800 lines tall and will hide all of your Data
} Organisation under a large heap of rotting GOTO's.
}
} And lastly, avoid the one who calls hereself LISP for she is a
} priestess, who is) abl))e to )()thro)w )()(the dreade)(((d brack(((et
} spel)ls at))ran(dom))))))))))aaarrrggggg))))))she has) found
} me)))))))help!)))))))))))
}
} You owe the ORACLE a new set of adventuring boots and a bracket removal
} spell.


279-09    (21261 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do woman know things that men don't know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     The answer to your question is simple.  "The Film".  Don't you
} remember when, in the sixth grade, all of the girls in your class were
} taken into a room to watch a film?  Well, there were no boys in the room
} were there?  So, from the sixth grade on, women have always known things
} that men don't know.  "The Film" will surely remain one of the great
} mysteries to man.


279-10    (22422 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the purpose of mucus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pleased to meet you. [Oracle extends right hand in greeting]
}                      [Supplicant shakes Oracle's hand]
} Mucus is simply a way of telling a person how much you REALLY like them.
}                      [Supplicant notices slimy substance on hand
}                       and runs away in sheer terror, wiping his hand on
}                       anything and everything.  Little does he know the
}                       sticking power of Oracular snot!]
}
} See, you'll have a bit of me to remember me by for a long time to come.
}
} You owe the Oracle a years supply of Puffs.


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