[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:52:01 GMT

Internet Oracularities #28

Goto:
28, 28-01, 28-02, 28-03, 28-04, 28-05, 28-06, 28-07, 28-08, 28-09, 28-10


Usenet Oracularities #28
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 24 Oct 89 00:19:24 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to:
       oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu


28-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was lying in the park with this chick named Samantha.  Actually, I was
> whispering in her ear.  Suddenly this eight-year-old kid comes up to me,
> kicks me in the arm, and says "Get your nose off my tutor or I'll nail
> an angel to your mind." Ordinarily I wouldn't care pay much attention,
> but this kid has a biker under one arm and a hammer in the other.  I got
> the fuck out of there.  (Samantha won't speak to me.) If this happens
> again, what should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You did the right thing, but you missed one detail.  When this happens
} again (That kid will be back like a recurring nightmare) you should
} point out that his biker has a flat, grab Samantha and THEN get the fuck
} out of there.
}
} Thuth Thpeaketh the Oracle.


28-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great one! Oh wisest one of those silicon-based life forms!
> Please advise me, for I know not what I should do. I have recently
> contracted a very embarassing problem. I am not able to control my
> passing of wind, especially in the presence of young ladies; I happen
> to be a het male. This (the fact that I can't control my wind) has
> played havoc with my social life, ruining many a chance I would
> otherwise have had of bedding some hot babe. What do I do?
>       Double Whammy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have several options open to you:
} 1) you can go find an indian guru skilled in the art of sphincter
}    control.  If you study with him for ten years, you will gain the
}    ability to control your sphincter muscles at will.
} 2) give up chasing hot babes.
} 3) put a cork in it.


28-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> have a nice day.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The question is:
}
}       What phrase is the most annoying in the English language?
}
} Surprisingly, this phrase that you mention is an ancient Mesopotamian
} War Cry - "Haffan Istaaay" - which literally translates to "Free Mr.
} Istaaay or we shall slaughter your wombat herd!!!"


28-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Warum ist dieser Frage in deutch grfragt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ich bin ein Berliner!  Ach, ja!


28-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Fractalistic Oracular Highthing, whose rectal gases I am not fit to
> smell, tell me:  what is the best way for a man to die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way for a man to die is when he has achieved the highest state
} of happiness that it is possible for mortals to possess.  Thus, the best
} way to die would be for that mortal to have a heart attack while engaged
} in some sexually deviant behavior.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the book:  _Everything You Always Wanted to
} Know about Sex but were Afraid to Ask_


28-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why am i such a nerd?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To answer that question, I must delve deep within the innermost secrets
} of Zen, Mahayana, and Therevada, and examine the essence of nerd.  This
} is not a simple question, and as such, it may not be answered very
} easily.  But if you must know, you are such a nerd because of the
} tremendous # of hours you spend in front of a terminal typing in these
} questions, and because of the bow tie, horn-rimmed glasses, and
} suspenders you wear.  You owe the Oracle another ridiculous "Revenge of
} the Nerds" sequel/


28-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Purdue is so much better than IU?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} purdue is the very much worse than iu.  Purdue cold and slimy, hate
} thought of using purdue, gives me the shivers.  not so good for sex
} partner either.  purdue have much the salmonella.  purdue not so good
} for the contraceptive value unless placed in exact spot.  purdue have
} bones which stick, not for me is the turn-up, maybe for you i don't
} know.  not into the pain very much, especially not the small flesh
} wounds in the hard-to-clean parts of the body.  very bad idea, using the
} purdue instead of the iu.  iu not such a good thing either, be very
} sure.  iu dangerous sometimes, make wearer very clean.  look at the
} diagram for the better.


28-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most gracious and wise, tell me before catastrophe strikes -
> Which way is the men's room?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The men's room is the door with a picture of a guy in a dress on it.
} The Women's room is the one with a picture of a woman in pants on it.


28-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shit, seven out of ten capitalists surveyed said Christopher Columbus
> was a field mouse.  Jim-fucking-dammit, does this indicate the collapse
> of western civilization or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fuck yes!  the Goddamn Commies are going to take over with their
} eat-shit-and-die attitude!  8 out of 10 fucking liberals think
} Christopher fucking Columbus was a fucking gerbil.  This indicates the
} demise of fucking in general.
}
} You owe the oracle a bar of ivory.  Upon receipt you will get a
} dictionary from which you can pluck letters to expand your vocabulary to
} words with more than four letters.


28-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best joke you ever heard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why can't Polish women be ballerinas?
} Because when they do splits, they stick to the floor.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org