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Internet Oracularities #281

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281, 281-01, 281-02, 281-03, 281-04, 281-05, 281-06, 281-07, 281-08, 281-09, 281-10


Usenet Oracularities #281    (16 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 25 Mar 91 16:23:08 -0500

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281   16 votes 34522 44620 43441 14641 14812 23434 25333 24730 23461 24442
281   2.9 mean  2.8   2.4   2.7   3.0   2.9   3.2   3.0   2.7   3.1   3.0


281-01    (34522 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's NCAA basketball tournament time, and I'm in a betting pool.  Why oh
> why didn't Syracuse win?  And why oh why didn't Nebraska win?
>
> <whimper>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you bet that they would!
}
} I guess I should have told you this earlier.  We've been fooling you all
} along.  You don't have a real life.  You're just a disembodied spiritual
} being trapped in a theta pole, and we've been giving you hallucinations
} that you construed as your current life in what you thought was your
} current body.  We've been doing an experiment to see whether or not a
} spirit really needs a body, or if he's just as happy hallucinating that
} he has a body.  Preparations for the next nuclear war, you know.  We
} will all need something to do if there's no bodies on Earth to
} reincarnate ourselves into.
}
} But anyways, the reason you didn't win, and the reason your life is so
} boring compared to what you see on TV, and the reason neither of the
} teams that you bet for won...  well, did you ever notice that everyone
} seems to be against you?  That's because they are!  We set it up that
} way!  You're going to live out this entire life, glued to a computer
} screen, tossing off to pictures in the bathroom, because that's what we
} feel like doing to you!  Live with it!  Hahahahahahah!  So if you ever
} wondered why you didn't have a life...  it's because you really don't!
}
} ...BTW, insulting computer geeks is another sure-fire way to get into
} the Oracularities.  As you see.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  I think you've had enough for one day.


281-02    (44620 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> IS LOVE EVERLASTING?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, STOP SHOUTING!!  IF EVERYBODY STARTED SHOUTING OVER THE
} NET, NO ONE WOULD BE ABLE TO HEAR (OR READ FOR THAT MATTER) AFTER A
} WHILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} Now where was I?  Oh yes, the question of everlasting love.  There is
} love, and there is *love*.  It is possible for both types to be ever-
} lasting, but that is so rare in the Universe that these instances are
} the stuff of legend.  *Love* is by far, more likely to last, as any-
} one who has felt the grip of la forza del passione can tell you.  It
} simply has more energy to keep it going.
}
} But enough of the stock answer!  I feel really generous this week, so
} I'll fill you in on a little secret:  There is an unchanging quantity
} of love in the universe, just like entire matter/energy goop.  That's
} to say, that love is constantly in flux as far as the Universe is con
} cerned, but can locally be stable.  Scholars of Quantum Love equate
} "everlasting love" with cosmic singularities, but it is a new field
} of study, so don't be alarmed.  But it does mean that the love you
} are feeling might be depriving someone on Sirius...
}
} You owe the Oracle a General Unified Theory of Love.


281-03    (43441 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS A HOOSIER?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOOSIER - (who'-zh-urr) 1. n. big fan of Dr. Seuss classic
}            "Horton Hears a Hoo" [from the Greek.]


281-04    (14641 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Earth was long ago kidnapped by an interstellar race of
} xeno-biologists, who have been studying the development of life on this
} and other planets.  Transporting the entire planet to their home system
} in the Andromeda galaxy, they enclosed it in a vast teleportational
} sphere to prevent their own detection.  Interacting with a companion
} shell now circling Sol in the former orbit of Earth, the shell
} flawlessly transmits matter and energy from within the Earth-enclosing
} shell to the Sol system, and vice versa.  Thus, from our perspective, it
} is impossible to detect our transposition, while our captors have full
} access to our every activity.  The one flaw in this magnificent
} technology is that white light passing into the shell-pair has a
} tendency to produce a pale blue glow.  This glow, however, is a
} necessary by-product of any form of energy teleportation.
}
} So, the short answer to your question is "To get to the other side."
}
} You owe the Oracle a chicken.


281-05    (14812 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHO WILL BE PRESIDENT BUSH'S RUNNING MATE IN 1992?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nobody. President Bush is going to be assasinated in December of '91
} by the Pro-Choice party, after he successfully pushes through his
} Aniti-abortion ammendment to the consittution. This assasination will
} then be delared a "retroactive abortion" and the pro-choice party
} will evolve into the USA's first terrorist organization.
}
} In 1992 Quayles running mate will be Opus. After nobody is able to
} convince him that Opus has declined the nomination the republican
} party eventually dressed up Henry Kissenger in a penguin suit and
} lost to the independant american communist party.
}
} Following that, the PCR (pro-choice radicals) will bomb the White House
} and instigate a reign of terror which continues until martial law is
} instigated and Quayle/Opus were finally installed in the White House.
}
} This is however only one of two possible futures. In the Other future
} The Anti-Abortion ammendment will die stillborn and Bush's running
} mate was Quayle. That future is however too terrible for even the
} Oracle to contemplate.


281-06    (23434 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh wonderful oracle whose body glistens like a moonlit lake:
>
> What is your favorite sexual position?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What follows is an excerpt from ``The Oracle's Big Book 'O Luv.'' All
} rights to this volume are owned solely by the Oracle. Most of this book
} would probably be classified as obscene by the U.S. government, so it
} has not been published in hundreds of years.
}
} She places the moose antlers upon her head,
} spreads wide her legs,
} placing the soles of her feet on two squirrel skins.
} This is ``Bullwinkaliana'' (The moose in desire)
}
} Grasping the earlobes
} of the woman, whose buttocks
} are like two ripe watermelons
} nibble on her nose
} and give her a noogie
}
} With balloons strapped to your body
} approach her on a pogo stick
} and dive towards her
} avoiding the antlers
} and make love like crazed weasels.
} experts call it ``Idiohandavau'' (Sex between idiots)
}
} You owe the Oracle an evening of passion.
}
} "The Oracle's Big Book O' Luv" is (c) 1990 Oracle, Inc.


281-07    (25333 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who Hulk will not smash, please help Hulk...
> Hulk not been feeling the same for a while.  Every time Hulk have chance
> to do proper mass destruction, he feel like singing Operas instead.  Is
> this some trick of puny Banner to get Hulk to be decent part of
> society??  If not puny Banner, then who is making Hulk sing when Hulk
> want to smash??
>
> Hulk is getting angry, he...
>
>  FIGARO!  FIGARO,FIGARO,FEEEEEEEEEGARO!  FIGARO LA!  FIGARO LA!  FIGARO
> LUM-TEE DUM-TA LUM-TEE DUM-DA-DAAAAH!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hulk, dude...it's all very simple.  Banner was given a choice by the
} government; he could stop Hulk's rampages by either introducing him to
} the fine arts or removing his testicles (i.e.  his own testicles).
}
} I think you know which was wise decision so....
}
} You owe the Oracle tickets to your next performance of The Hulk Sings
} the Hits.  (a.k.a.  Hulk Sings Hits, ug.)


281-08    (24730 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT DOES "WE WILL, WE WILL, SHAFT YOU!!!!" MEAN?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear, dear child.  How did you ever get this far in life without
} discovering this essential secret in life.
}
} Pay close intention to the words, my follower.
}
} WE :  Personal pronoun -- plural -- this is important
}
} WILL : Verb -- implies willingness and determination
}
} SHAFT : Slang perjorative for penis
}
} YOU : Second person pronoun -- singular or plural
}
} Okay, now.  Are you following me so far?
}
} Now, obviously the chanters of this phrase are implying a willingness
} to perform certain activities using a penis to or with the listener
} or listeners.
} This may or may not be good news.
}
} Consider:  the sex of the chanter
}            your sex
}          number of persons involved on both sides
}
} Does this situation look appealing?
} Experimentation is the sign of a healthy mind.
}
} You owe the oracle a videotape of all experiments performed.


281-09    (23461 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where are these blasted "students" coming from?  Why doesn't someone
> give their location to NORAD?
>
> Hoping this msg gets past the evil students to the REAL oracle?  A
> supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From:  PRIHODA, WARREN MATTHEW
}
} I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEEN MR. SUPPLICANT.  WHAT'S A NORAD?  I DON'T
} STUDY EVIL VERY MUCH.  I'M A HISTORY MAJOR.  IS "A" FOR ARTHUR?  THAT'S
} A VERY SEXY NAME MR. SUPPLICANT I REALY HOPE IT IS.
}
} PRIHODA, WARREN MATTHEW
} Student


281-10    (24442 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O beloved oracle most wise, custodian of all knowledge worth knowing
> and perhaps even some stuff that isn't worth knowing:
>
> Why is it that women go to the bathroom in groups?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now we all know one of the reasons too well (not the _real_ one) -
} That old womenfolk habit of G * O * S * S * I * P !!!!
} Sure, they want to talk about their dates, S.O.'s, etc.  Talk about whos
} zipper is undone - who has a zit on their face - who has a booger
} hanging out of his nose - who has a dead end job - who's a geek, etc.
} (makes you feel real good doesn't it guys!) Generally talk about
} _anything_.  Did anyone forget to take her pill that day - who's husband
} is sleeping with whom, etc.
}
} We can also rule out the possibility of the opposite question asked of
} men.  (that is - It's _not_ the same reason men go to the bathroom
} _alone_)
}
} No, after extensive research and polls, we find the _real_ reason women
} go to the bathroom in groups is...
} None of them really know where their going - and they feel better
} getting lost or embarrassed in a covey rather than alone.


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