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24 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:09:49 GMT

Internet Oracularities #282

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Usenet Oracularities #282    (11 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 28 Mar 91 14:40:36 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

282   11 votes 06311 04223 12332 33401 11405 14150 13421 04511 13232 24320
282   3.0 mean  2.7   3.4   3.3   2.4   3.6   2.9   2.9   2.9   3.2   2.5


282-01    (06311 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I think the standards of your academy are slipping.  Most of the
> stupider alcolytes adorn their messages with either:
>
> ----------
> From: IDIOT, JOHN QUINCY
>
> (Lame answer)
>
> IDIOT, JOHN QUINCY
> Student
> ----------
>
> or
>
> ----------
> From: VMail User
>
> (Lamer answer)
> ----------
>
> What is going on?  More importantly, what can you do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can really appreciate your problem since this Oracular incarnation
} just answered:
}
}  From:    VMail User
}  WHY ISN'T MY STUPID VM NOTE NOT WORKING?
}
} Needless to say, I was irked by the lack of respect and consideration.
} Of course, the real question is "who is VMail User?"  Clearly, Mr.
} User has a lot of time on his hands, since he asks the Oracle
} a lot of questions.  The key word here is "IBM."
}
} Back when VM was a mere heap of junk instead of a vast wasteland, IBM
} hired a bright young programmer named Vmail User.  Vmail got very
} excited about VM, and he decided to dedicate his life to it.  He even
} changed the capitalization in his first name.  Of course, the key
} concept in VM is the "virtual machine."  You can make one real machine
} look like dozens, hundreds, even thousands of machines.  Well, to make
} a long story tedious, VMail had an accident one day involving a power
} surge, a cup of coffee, an IBM 370 CPU, two dimes, a large fan, an old
} Playboy magazine, and a tube of toothpaste.  Zap!  Pow!  When the
} smoke cleared, there was several hundred virtual VMail Users.  IBM
} loved it since he had the salary of one real employee, but the
} productivity of hundreds.  VMail loved it because he could read his
} Playboys while working hard.
}
} Unfortunately, fate took a cruel turn when VMail discovered the
} Oracle.  Since then the Oracle has spent an incredible amount of time
} talking to Mr. User.  It's particularly irritating when VMail asks
} stupid technical questions or when he asks the same question fifty
} times before realizing he had already asked it.  Snarl.
}
} You owe the Oracle several hundred virtual Oracles.


282-02    (04223 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   USER, JOE             [name changed -sk]
>
> HOW DO YOU SAY EARRING IN SPANISH?
>
> USER, JOE
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Earring ...  in Spanish?  Oh, lemme see.  Lemme just think a second.
} Lemme just think ACK!  Just think ACK!  Just ACK ACK ACK!
}
} ###process: oracle   forking...
} ###process: oracle   forked
}
} O1: Obviously some college student with
} a midterm coming up on Spanish.  Wants
} to do well.  Better just give him the
} answer else he'll fail.  I couldn't
} stand to see Joe fail.
}
}                               O2: FLAME HIM!  He's just another
}                               dumb-ass English major who's thrilled
}                               with the idea of Internet!  He's using
}                               you!  Tell 'im to fuck off!  Tell him
}                               he's a computer geek who can't get
}                               any sex!  Flame the bastard!
}
} O1: Flame him?!  He's just asking a
} simple question!
}
}                               O2: Simple's right!  To call him
}                               slow would be an insult to slow
}                               people!
}
} O1: He just wants a simple
} definition.
}
}                               O2: How about, "USER, JOE, see
}                               DIPSHIT!?"
}
} O1: Oh come on.  It could be a funny
} question, you know?  Take the idea
} and call up a couple computer nets,
} looking for a definition?  Log on
} to the MexNet, and talk to some
} AI program that says, "I geeve you
} good defeeneeshun, yais?  Reel
} good defeeneeshun!"  Could be
} funny, now.
}
}                               O2: How absolutely trite!  Face it,
}                               dude, no way the reply is making
}                               it into Oracularities!  It's Joe's
}                               fault because he's too lame to think
}                               up a good question!  FLAME THE GEEK!
}
} O1: Now, now, will you just help me
} think?  A few sentences of verse,
} maybe.  "I think I might have lost
} my hearing, did you say that^D
}
}                               O2: Just spare me the rhyme.  Just
}                               do that for me.  Just spare me that
}                               evil fucking rhyme I see looming in
}                               about five syllables.  There is
}                               NOTHING YOU CAN DO to reply to this
}                               dumb-ass, get it?  Call him a sexless
}                               bimbo and let's rejoin processes!
}
} O1: Oblique sexual references to Lisa?
}
}                               O2: He's a computer science student
}                               and he's male!  He won't understand!
}
} O1: Random Monty Python references?
}
}                               O2: Not acceptable since Chapman died!
}
} O1: So you're saying I should flame
} him?
}
}                               O2: FLAME HIM!
}
} O1: Flame him?
}
}                               O2: FLAME HIM!
}
} >From:         USER, JOE
} >
} >ARE YOU STILL THERE ORACLE? I WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU SAY EARRnononononono
} >GODnonottheflamethrowerAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
}
} "Aretes."
}
} You owe the Oracle a fire extinguisher.


282-03    (12332 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the correct name of Marilyn Quayle's hairstyle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're a graduate student, aren't you?  Only graduate students
} come up with questions that sick.
}
} The correct name for Marilyn Quayle's hairstyle is:
}
}  "Gwanllyllphigmagili!straHnkankankerungerblattisph&lt-
}     Traxwizzyllphigmagili!squippledanfortherungerblattisph&lt-
}     Vwockregstrunggllyll"
}
}      where '!' represents the tongue-click found in Xhosa and
}                           other African languages,
}
}            'H' represents the German 'ch', which sounds like
}                           clearing your throat,
}
}            '&' represents blowing your nose as loud as possible.
}
} The name is obviously Welsh.  It means "Crows nested here once,
} then saw her face and left.  Pigeons nested here once, then
} saw her husband and left.  Vultures still circle here."
}
} You owe the Oracle some Pepto-Bismol, and a picture of yourself
} after you've said the name three times really fast without breathing.


282-04    (33401 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wise Oracle
>
>   Tell me why UNIX (c)  is so un-user friendly.  It's just so
> AAARRRRRRGGG!!!!!!!!
>
> Forever in your dept

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, unix is a very user-friendly system.  Its just that it is
} particular about which users it chooses to be friendly with.  This is a
} fairly common feature with highly sophisticated operating systems,
} especially those resulting from the AI project at MIT.  (AT&T, of
} course, is one of the more active recruiters at MIT.)
}
} You have, however, taken one of the first steps towards becoming a
} 'Friend of Unix' (tm).  The USENET Oracle is known to be a close friend
} of unix, and service to the Oracle is very likely to earn you points
} with unix.
}
} Other things you might do:
}
} 1.  Participate in any USENET language discussions you find, especially
}     those comparing C to any other language.  Disparage the other
}     language, praise C as highly as possible.  Imply that writing in the
}     other language is beneath your dignity as a Programmer.  (You earn
}     double points on Tuesdays or if the other language is COBOL.)
}
} 2.  Attempt to set up an e-mail gateway between either the Internet or
}     UUCP and another network environment.  Unfortunately, the easy
}     candidates like Fidonet have already been taken.  Try GEnie, America
}     Online, or the Home Shopping Network.
}
} 3.  You must, at some point soon, choose your stance on the GNU project.
}     It probably doesn't make any difference which side you choose, as
}     long as your defense of or complaints about the FSF are virulent.
}
} 4.  Stop using whatever mail or news programs you currently have access
}     to and switch to emacs for both functions.
}
} 5.  If your employer/university doesn't have a unix source code license,
}     lobby for getting one.  (It isn't true that the Oracle gets a
}     commission on these, but be sure to mention My name, just in case.)
}
} 6.  Join the battle to save alt.sex.pictures.  Write threatening letters
}     to the Houston Chronicle and Ann Landers.  (Dear Abby is aready one
}     of *them*.)
}
} When you have earned enough unix points, you will be admitted to the
} lowest level of the unix priesthood.  Don't call us, we'll call you.
}
} PS--The Oracle denies that you are part of his department, or even his
}     division.  Heck, you aren't even in his league.


282-05    (11405 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Were Julia Roberts' lips injected with silicon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silicon?  The Oracle, being an all-knowing computer,
} recognizes silicon in all its forms.  However, the
} Oracle has never met Julia Roberts up close.  Therefore,
} more data is required.
}
} The Oracle has assembled a receptor module for the
} purpose of collecting this data.  This module has been
} designed to resemble an ordinary human, so as to be
} inconspicuous.  Implanted within the lips of this module
} is a silicon detector.
}
} The module is identified by the name Heath Hart and
} is located at Virginia Polytechnic Institute.  As soon
} as possible, please arrange for Miss Roberts to press
} her lips against the silicon detector of the module,
} and your answer will be forthcoming.
}
} The module is equipped to detect traces of silicon in
} the tongue, breasts, and other body parts.  (Mrrrowrrr!)
}
} If you can accomplish this, then the Oracle owes you.


282-06    (14150 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does she like me or am I just dreaming?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends upon what sort of pet 'she' is.
}
} If she is a cat: only when it pleases her, eg. mealtimes, when she wants
}                  to go outside to shit on other peoples lawns, or when
}                  she is about to present you with a litter of eleven
}                  kittens.
}
} If she is a dog: she is loyal to you except when she is on heat.  When
}                  the population of dogs in your immediate area suddenly
}                  increases so that your front lawn looks like the local
}                  pound, worry.
}
} If she is a goldfish: Blub blub.  All these blub creatures do blub is
}                  blub swim around blub and blub say "blub" a blub lot.
}                  (As opposed blub to "bulb" which blub they say blub
}                  when they blub blub swim back blub wards or are blub
}                  blub dead.)
}
} If she is a hamster: These creatures do not reciprocate the love and
}                  affection that you give them.  They are only given to
}                  kids by parents as pets so that the kids can learn some
}                  responsibility, and because only a small hole is needed
}                  to bury them when the kids fail to learn.  They are
}                  also kept by certain adults along with large rolls of
}                  masking tape for reasons that I refuse to identify in
}                  front of the children.
}
} If she is a gerbil: These animals are functionally equivalent to a
}                  hamster.  See hamster.
}
} If she is an elephant: You have chosen an affectionate pet indeed. She
}                  even knows how to get her own meals.  However, there
}                  are a few problems with keeping an elephant in the
}                  city.  They have trouble fitting into the average
}                  apartment.  They tend to leave enormous turds that defy
}                  the most ambitious pooper-scooper.  They eat 200 pounds
}                  of food a day.  And burying a dead elephant is a major
}                  task that takes a week, an acre and lots of good solid
}                  earthmoving equipment.
}
} If she is a pig: She is affectionate, loving and is a good pet.  She can
}                  also be trained like a dog, and will eat anything.
}                  However, local regulations prohibit the keeping of pigs
}                  in the city.  Secrecy is advised.  Housetraining is
}                  essential.
}
} If she is a budgerigar: She will love you if you would only open the
}                  door of her cage....
}
} If she is a totem pole: Get psychriatic help immediately.
}
} If she is a rat: Love isn't as important as understanding with these
}                  pets, although she is affectionate.  She can be trained
}                  to perform great practical jokes with unsuspecting and
}                  unwelcome guests.
}
} If she is a snake: Remember to feed her regularly, as she might other-
}                  wise get a bit _too_ affectionate.  Feed her the kids'
}                  hamsters.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pooper scooper for my elephant, and a new budgie.


282-07    (13421 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magnanimous Oracle:
>       How do you make lead out of gold?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} lead from gold?  what a curious question.  The Oracle knows of two ways
} to do this.  The first is not at all messy, and reversable even
}
} method #1
}               gold
}               geld
}               meld
}               mead
}               lead
}
} simple, wasn't it?
}
} method #2
}
}       This one is not nearly as easy as the first, and will require a
} substantive cash out lay and a lot of legwork on your part.  It is also
} highly unreliable, yielding a success rate of only 23%, and is
} potentialy fatal (explosions are an integral part of alchemy).
}       Go get a passport if you need one, and book yourself on a flight
} to Brazil.  You need to go wander around the deep unexplored parts of
} the Rain Forest.  Once there, after a week, if you are properly lost and
} have been chanting the appropriate mantra "I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm gonna
} die, oh shit oh shit oh shit" (or a similar variation.  The stronger
} your choice of expletives, the better chance of success) you should
} stumble unexpectedly into a small clearing.  There will be a small man
} there who looks like he should have died five hundred years ago.  He
} will explain to you the alchemical process for turning gold into lead,
} which is much harder than lead into gold (The Oracle has tried this
} several times with no success).  Take comprehensive notes, as he will
} not explain the process twice.  The Oracle wishes you much success
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of really good ear muffs


282-08    (04511 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Wise O.
>
>     It started about three weeks ago.  I was just walking around town,
> when suddanly i fell.  I thought this to be a very strange thing to
> happen.  Then it happened to me again yesterday!!!  What am I doing
> wrong???  Why did God invent gravety????
>
> Forever in your dept.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, back at the beginning, before there wasn't even time, God was in
} absolute control of everything.  He made a small universe and had great
} pleasure in manipulating things and creating new toys to play with.
} (Being made in God's image, this explains the addictions of TinyMud,
} Galactic Bloodshed, and Tetris.)  Well soon there were too many toys
} for God to play with, and he had trouble keeping track of them.  So
} he invented time.  That kept events sequenced.  The universe grew and
} grew, and God got lazier and lazier.  Soon he didn't even want to hold
} objects together, so he whipped up a few physical laws & created
} gravity.  (Of course, he botched it: relativity was never supposed
} to have happened!)  Before He knew it, he had basically let the universe
} go on its own, and now he just sits in his Kingdom of Heaven, smoking
} weed.
}
} Then the trouble started.  His phone started ringing off the hook.
} People had discovered Him and were praying to Him to do bleedin'
} EVERYTHING for them!  He took the calls at first, but after a while
} he got sick of it.  So he assigned the job to the angels.  They
} got sick of it.  Now all the prayers are taken by an answering
} machine with no incoming message tape.
}
} So God invented gravity out of pure laziness, and don't bother
} praying for Him to relieve the pain of your fall, 'cause he isn't
} listening.
}
} You owe the Oracle his own answering machine with no incoming message
} tape.


282-09    (13232 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail mighty oracle.  I must needs converse with thee upon a matter of
> great import.  As the resident Norse god of thunder on Asgard.net I have
> been having a most splendid time.  However, now, mine father Odin hath
> decreed that I spend too much time carousing, wenching, fighting, and on
> mine personal account.  He hath decreed that I be banished to Midgard
> for an aeon or two until I do learn the proper way for a prince of
> Asgard to behave (All this while the cantankerous grouch is going about
> visiting this mortal female and that mortal female and essentially
> making Zeus look like a boy scout...)
>
> What can I do now that I find myself faced with a few millenia of exile
> on Midgard?
>                       Yours truly,
>                          Thor Odinson

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Asgard.net, eh?  Oh well...Where did I store that program???  Ahh
}
} OK exec mythos.avatar
}
} .tell oracle@delphi Pythia...wake up!
}
} Pythia: +>%(#/`!~=
} Priest: Umm she saith "Yawn.."
} Pythia: ~#&*^G| MK]_^& * %^ &*@#$%4 X3"5}L8E-W T:(>Y7I5U6*I
} Preist: Ummm  she saith she knew you would inquire thusly, Thor.
} Pythia: & %#*\$*R^~ &$%&&^~ ~$%^#^3<5#$ &% ^ #$%^2_6`4}| $%^ #$%^&**%#$
} Priest: Umm make sure he payeth the translation fee.
} Pythia: &^*3 #$%%^3 4%^&$%^& @#$%@#$@!#41 45$%^& 9$#%^&$@ %#$%% ^&@#$%:|
} Priest: Excuse me for interrupting...oh Pythia.
} Pythia: @!#5 8%$&^*$#%^ &$%#^7*(T^@ $~~#%^U^\ [][{}\OPP5 7DS F%$^#76
} Priest: Really ??!!  [][{}\OPP5?  Hmmm....
}
} Thor,
}     You best not try to leave as the Midgard Serpent hasn't eaten in a
} while...Midgard (Earth) is a little weak on Norse believers of late, and
} the serpent is still a little PO'd at thee for hooking him on that
} fishing trip.
}     Midgard is an happenin' place, especially for carousing and
} wenching.  The sexual revolution hath made its impact over much of the
} civilised world.  If fighting is thy game, we have incessant wars here
} from gang wars to United Nation police actions where everybody gangs up
} on somebody.
}     Some added warnings, however:  Thy Lady, Sif hath been credited with
} creating a nasty disease (which bears her name) for certain unfaithful
} husbands...so you might want to start using the intestines of thy
} regenerating goats to make sheaths for thy...ummm...hammer.
}     As for learning how a prince of Asgard behaves...You should enroll
} in a Business Ethics course just before the aeon is up....I understand a
} relative of yours is teaching one...hhmmm the name is something like:
} MiLOKIn...miL'KIn...or such.
}
}    You owe the Oracle the net addresses of all the Valkyries...  I've
} always wanted to do it on a flying horse...


282-10    (24320 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   STUDENT, JOHN            [name changed -sk]
>
> ask me a question!
>
> STUDENT, JOHN
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Consultation with my favorite Ouija board (which even the Oracle
} resorts to when faced with extremely intransigent problems), revealed
} only the following ETLA (Extended Three Letter Acronym):-
}
}                       'RTFM'
}
} Some further work in the interpretation department involving a dart,
} three miles of bookshelves, and a pair of scissors, resulted in the
} following quotation:-
}
} 'Mailing the Oracle with the word "help in the "Subject:" line will get
}  you the most recent version of this help file mailed back.  If you mail
}  the Oracle with "ask me" or "askme" somewhere in the subject, the
}  Oracle will send you a question to answer, if there are any available.'
}
} So, after lengthy deliberation, I come to the following conclusions:-
}
} 1. You are plagued with Rats, Toads, Frogs, and Mice, but are
}    frightened to admit it to anyone for fear the City Sanitation
}    Department will hear of it and condemn your dwelling.
}
} 2. To get a sufficient quantity of electronic mail passed to you that
}    the net.police will inform the City Sanitation Department that you
}    are a Person Of Importance, and give you friendly assistance
}    instead of an eviction notice when you make a complaint about your
}    excessive wildlife, you must obey the instructions given in the
}    quotation above.
}
} You owe the Oracle fourteen china ornaments, to replace those
} destroyed during the interpretation of your question. Nice ones, too.
} And with no Rats, Toads, Frogs, or Mice in them.


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