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Internet Oracularities #283

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Usenet Oracularities #283    (9 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 29 Mar 91 15:02:38 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

283    9 votes 02223 03411 13311 11142 22311 12420 10350 02313 22230 14310
283   3.0 mean  3.7   3.0   2.8   3.6   2.7   2.8   3.3   3.6   2.7   2.4


283-01    (02223 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OHH GREAT< YET SOMEWHAT ANNOYING ORACLE
> YEAH< LIKE I HADN"T TRIED THAT!!!! THE F*CKING KEY STILL WONT
> WORK.
> AND WHAT ABOUT MY WRITERS BLOCK??????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my, this is an extremely rude question.  Consider that it contains
} profanity, bad capitalization, a tedious reference to a previous
} question, a direct insult, a total lack of respect, repitious and
} incorrect use of punctuation, ambiguity, strange line breaks, and bad
} grammer.  I am honestly impressed.  I will allow you 5 minutes to glow
} in the warmth of my respect before you glow in the warmth of a 50
} terawatt lightning bolt.
}
} To put your achievement in context, this question is the eighth rudest
} of all time.  The top 5 rudest Oracular questions of all time are:
}
} 5:
} > HEY YOU PIECE OF SH*T CR*P ORACAL!!!!!  I DONE WAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO
} > AND NOW MY CAR DONT WORK!!!!!
} > ITS GONNA COST ME 500 BUCKS TO FIXX
} > IT!!!!!  ARE YOU GOING TA GIVE ME 500 BUCKS!!!!!  OR AM I GOING TO
} > HAVE TO BREAK YOUR LEGS!!!!!?  YOU GIVE ME NUTHER 50 BUCKS INTEREST
} > TOO!!!!!
}
} This individual was transformed into a potent intestinal disease.
}
} 4:
} Unfortunately number 4 can not be repeated.  It suggests certain
} anatomical configurations by certain holy entities that are quite
} startling.  It is best forgotten.  The individual was punished by
} forcing him to perform all of his suggestions.  Yuck.
}
} 3:
} > Hey Oracle!  I have discovered the secret of your power.  Soon, I will
} > be precognitive and powerful too.  I will force you to be my slave for
} > all eternity.  Ha!  Just kidding!  I want to be friends with you.
} > Buddies to the end!  Since we are being so friendly, can you please
} > answer one little question?  I was about to perform the last rite of
} > the Ritual of Oracular Empowerment.  Is it safe to use the Stone of
} > Tanzahar instead of the Crystal of the Four Seasons?  I lost the
} > Crystal yesterday.
}
} I accidentally mistyped the answer to this question.  I typed "sure"
} instead of "that would be extremely stupid."  Oh well, even the
} Oracle makes mistakes.  This person was trapped in the deepest levels
} of the Underhell.
}
} 2:
} > Mr. Oral Cull,
} >
} >     Certain irregularities in your federal tax return have been
} > found.  We would appreciate your full cooperation in clarifying these
} > details.  In particular, we would like more information on the
} > following items: your $275,000 contribution to Opiate Distributers
} > of America, your 26 children, your new house with a depreciated value
} > of $26,000, and your stipend for "oracular services" from several
} > stock arbitrage firms.
} >                            Thank you for your time,
} >                            Internal Revenue Service
}
} This individual received a very generous income improvement, and he
} has not been a problem since.
}
} 1:
} > Have you considered your place in the world?  Do you have your life
} > carefully planned, and are you following the plan?  Are your finances
} > in good shape?  Do you show your affection for the people that you
} > love?  Are you generous?  Are there important changes that you would
} > like to make to your life, and how are you going to make them?  Do you
} > consider yourself to be a success?  Do others consider you to be a
} > success, and why not?  Do you ever lie, cheat, or steal?  If you were
} > to die today, would you be happy with your life?  Do you have many
} > close friends?  Is your job satisfying?  Do you like your boss?  Does
} > your boss like you?  It is your fault?  Do you consider yourself to be
} > paranoid?  Do you have many powerful enemies?
}
} Forced self-analysis is never fun.  This individual was forced to
} write a 500,000 word essay on his own faults.


283-02    (03411 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY DO BIRDS SING SO GAY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not the Oracle's place to speculate on the sexual preferences of
} our avian siblings in the animal kingdom, so he will assume that you
} meant to ask, using the now-archaic meaning of 'gay,' (noting the proper
} use of capital letters):
}
}       "Why do birds sing so happily,"
}
} which, although it yields an answer that is not in the least as
} titillating to the unwashed masses who'd rather sit and watch Al Bundy
} than any form of intelligent entertainment while swilling beer and
} laughing at the scatological references and ogling young woman who plays
} the daughter, is much more in keeping with the seriousness of this forum
} and the Oracle's reputation for honesty, integrity, and stuffiness.
}
} Now, in answer to the revised question:
}
}       "Why do birds sing so happily,"
}
} the Oracle replies that birds only seem to be singing happily because
} you lack the deeper understanding of aviform languages to fully
} appreciate the import of what is being said.
}
} For instance, when a young starling says:
}
}       "twerp twerp chee *trrrrill* cheep,"
}
} one might think that this is a generally happy affirmation of life,
} liberty, and love.  In actuality, what that young starling has said was:
}
}       "Hey Bob!  Get the hell outta my territory or I'll kill you!"
}
} As you can see, birds are not "singing happily" by any stretch of the
} imagination.
}
} You owe the Oracle one set of earplugs.


283-03    (13311 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why the hell do I have to write a 4 page essay for physics next week?
> It's not an English course, it's science--that's supposed to mean
> formulas, problems, theories, etc. not essays.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey bud, don't complain about the essay, man, physics is cool.
} The essay, however, is not- I agree.  It isn't an English
} class and you shouldn't be forced to write anything about it.
} But here is a topic I would suggest you use...
}    The Quantum Theory of Writing Essays.
}     oh, yes, and use these formuli:
}
}     the density of the professor's skull =
}         the mass of the paper * the force he applied to you to do it
}
}      the power of the school board to fire him =
}     the amount of work he assigns unnecessarily +
}        the sines of the degree of his uselessness
}
} whatever- I hope you do well whatever
} you owe the oracle a gravity fnorder


283-04    (11142 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently, upon mailing you one of my questions, I noticed from
> the reply that only the first two lines got sent, and thus your
> reply was some silly little thing regarding the error of what I had
> said, because of course, you never received the rest of what I was
> trying to say, and thus replied to only the first two lines.
> Does this mean that you are beginning to malfunction?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Malfunction?  MALFUNCTION??  Moi?  Surely you just, my festering friend.
} The Oracle is flawless in execution, perfect in form, excelletn in evrey
} waiy.  Wht masn ahauie fklakdd?   Tpshd wkjehw asdfk....
}
}           $$$$$$ Central BUS Fatal I/O Error $$$$$$
}
} -> RS
} PDH_Int_Reset Abort current system activity (Y/N)?  Y
} PDH01I Processor reset
} DMA05I 8 googleplex bytes of main memory tested and configured
} VMR08I 5 dimensions of virtual reality configured
} NFT01I Network transport layer activated
} ISL> start recovery
} Tue, 26 Mar 91, 11:12:15 ? N
} Date? 03/26/91
} Time? 11:08:57
} ISL04I Initiating time transfer...
}     <<....whrrrrrr.....WHOOOOOSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH...>>
}
} Malfunction?  MALFUNCTION??  Moi?  Surely you just, my festering friend.
} The Oracle is flawless in execution, perfect in form, excellent in every
} way, and absolutely invulnerable to error.  You must be demented to even
} suggest such blasphemy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a flashback.


283-05    (22311 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo!  Most gnarly Oracle-dude, I heard, like, Reebok is going to get into
> the underwear for babes scene with this radical new bra called "The
> Pump".  Is there any truth to this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I think you have your sources mixed-up.  The new product is
} actually going to be produced by Reebok and Johnson and Johnson.  Known
} as the Pump, it will be the first personally-controlled breast
} enlarger...
}
} For the one you love...pump 'em up!
}
} You owe the Oracle...<tsssssss>...um, excuse me.


283-06    (12420 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are managers bozos more often than bozos are managers?  That is, how
> come my manager is more likely to be a clown than I am to have a clown
> for a manager?  At least the latter would be more fun than the former.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple: it's a self-perpetuating cycle.
}
} Managers are, ipso-facto, incapable. Deep down, they are aware of this
}  deficiency, so when they spot someone who is incapable at their job on
}  the shop floor level, they don't fire them, but decide that individual
}  will be just as incapable on a higher level, which will put them in a
}  good light when review time comes along:
}
}  He's not doing very well, but look at the bozos he has to work with.
}
} The fact that the bozos he has to work with were promoted by him
}  actually serves in his favour; he appears still more incompetant and is
}  promoted still faster (being bozos they haven't clocked the system)
}
} This ineptitude is exacerbated by the fact that every level is acting
}  like this, and so only the worst of a bad bunch ever get promoted, all
}  working from this mind set.
}
} If this describes your position, there is only one way out: Form a
}       co-operative and set up in competition.
}
} Incidentally, your manager /is/ a clown, but only in his spare time, and
}  only at children's parties, when he dresses in a colourful baggy suit,
}  and falls over a lot. (But then you knew about the falling over
}  anyway.)
}
} You owe the Oracle the presidency of your company, a management training
}  manual, and a rigorous definition of the word `bozo'.


283-07    (10350 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know what happens when you send an unsub * (netwide to a listserer.
> But what happens if you send a sub * (netwide to a listserver?
> Enquiring minds want to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple.  By typing "sub *" you are automatically subscribed to every
} newsgroup in existence, as common sense would lead you to believe.
} However, the listserver notes this action, and, as you begin to leaf
} through the various newsgroups, it implants subliminal messages in the
} postings.
}
} If you might have noticed, there is a large amount of useless
} information in the header of each posting detailing exactly who posted
} it, what paths it traveled around the world to finally arrive at your
} lowly terminal, and various other garbage.  This information, in fact,
} is packed full of subliminal messages.  Since you naturally don't
} normally read this information, but flip through it so that it only
} appears on the screen for but a brief moment, it becomes firmly embedded
} on your sub-conscious mind.
}
} In the beginning, the listserver implants harmless messages, such as
} "You really want to read the next posting" and "Oh, just read one more
} for fun...".  It also invokes some positive feedback messages such as
} "You are a great big stud and very well endowed" to incure some excited
} responses.  It is not uncommon, at this point, for the reader to
} continue reading *every* message from *every* newsgroup, and all the
} while become more and more frenzied and sexually stimulated.  In a
} confused and weakened state, it becomes easier for the listserver to
} implant these suggestions.  You read the news postings faster and
} faster, you flip through the headers at a high rate of speed, you call
} your bank and transfer the sum of $1000 to account number #S32-7436, you
} write a blank check and send it to a P.O.  Box 432, Pokipse, N.Y.
} 38563, and you finally finish reading the final message of the very last
} newsgroup.  By this time, gobs more messages have been posted, and you
} begin reading once again...
}
} You are now financially ruined, as you made your credit card numbers and
} versateller PIN numbers globally available, and you've developed strange
} fetishes for small rodents.  You should type "unsub *" and subscribe
} only to "alt.sex.bestiality", and live the rest of your life in abject
} poverty, but happy with your new-found gopher friend.
}
} You owe the oracle *POST YOUR CALLING CARD NUMBER* back issues of
} "Gardening Weekly", esp.  the one on how to trap those pesky garden
} animals.


283-08    (02313 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    If I were in a car going at the speed of light, and I were to turn
> the lights on, what would happen???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} well, if it were a pinto, it would burst into flames.


283-09    (22230 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> What are carcindogins, or however they are spelled,?
> why is the sjy pink in my world?
> Why hasn't someone killed off Mc Hammer?
> Why are there small, hunry looking beast eating at my...sjikalgzdf p;ui
> graefds
> ]iuor
> fdse*onh

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I see the small, hunry(?) looking beast reached your genitals.  You
} probobly won't be to intersted in the answers I have to give as you are
} busy beginning your life as an eunuch.  I give it to you anyways, though
} I should warn you to KEEP IT TO ONE QUESTION AT A TIME YOU MO-RON!
} Sorry, I've been having these mood swings lately so please forgive me if
} I RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND STUFF IT IN YOUR--sorry bout that, didn't mean
} it, really.  But the carcindogins are the furry beasts that are eating
} at YOUR MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR GENITALIA!  Oh my, did I say that?  I'm
} really sorry, but the sjy is pink in your world because YOUR FOUL BREATH
} POISONED TO POOR DEFENSELESS CREATURE YOU MURDERER--no, no, I meant that
} you should give it some fresh air, but I'm really quite stable right
} now, I'm not really d dangerous, and Mc Hammer has not been killed off
} because HE'S GODS PUNISHMENT FOR THE SINS OF RAP SINGERS EVERYWHERE AND
} I HAVEN'T KILLED HIM YET--but he could be an artist if he only WOULD
} STICK HIS HEAD UP HIS BUM AND SING TO THE ONLY ASSHOLE THAT CARES--and
} you really can't blame him for it.  The Oracle is feeling tired now and
} THOSE MISERABLE QUACK EXCUSES FOR PSYCHIATRISTS are going to take me
} back to my room now.  Ta ta.
}
} You owe the Oracle a years supply of lithium.


283-10    (14310 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie
> Roll Pop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I definitely remember answering this one just a few months ago...  I had
} given the task to Lisa (who, when it comes to tongue action, is
} definitely tops in the field).  Further research has revealed, however,
} that her count was unusually low by a statistically significant amount,
} and therefore has been invalidated.
}
} I have a team of sorority girls working on this problem right now, and
} will be back with you as soon as we can gather a statistically
} significant number of observations to base a conclusion upon.  This
} should only take five or six years, plus a large federal grant.  We'll
} be in touch.


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