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Internet Oracularities #284

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284, 284-01, 284-02, 284-03, 284-04, 284-05, 284-06, 284-07, 284-08, 284-09, 284-10


Usenet Oracularities #284    (9 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 31 Mar 91 20:26:49 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

284    9 votes 13311 11430 23220 52020 23400 21141 02511 23310 11241 11520
284   2.7 mean  2.8   3.0   2.4   1.9   2.2   3.1   3.1   2.3   3.3   2.9


284-01    (13311 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> demon prince?  Or simply a noxious person with a face like a doormat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...  I'm not sure.  Let me check, okay?
}
} This is a prompt-->mail god@pearly.gates.com
} Type ctrl-] for help
} To: god@pearly.gates.com
} Cc:
} Bcc:
} Subject:
} Enter message: (type ctrl-] for help)
} ---------
}
} Hey, dude...  what's happening?
} What's going down with the angels? Say hit to Shelley and Patty for
} me okay?
} Listen, I got a question here from a dude who wants to know if he's
} a demon prince or or just an obnoxious person with a face like a
} doormat.  Yeah. I know.  But that's the kinds of questions I get,
} you know?  Anyway.  I was wondering if you could help me out.
}
} Talk to ya later.
} Oracle
} ========================================================================
} Oracle!      Oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu      If you've got a question
}                                               I've got an answer!
} ========================================================================
}
} <EOT>
} ----------
}
} So while we're waiting...
} I'm going to have a cup of tea.  Care to join me?
} So anyway...  you just gotta be curious about the way it is for an
} Oracle, you know?  I get so many questions...  but none without answers.
} Somebody asked me once 'what's the meaning of life?' you know?  So
} I went into a really deep trance cause it was a *hard* question,
} you know?  After a while, I gave up, went to sleep for a while and
} all of a sudden it hit me, you know?  I was so happy I logged on
} and started to answer him:
}
} You have new mail.
}
} Oh, cool.  We got the answer from God!  Isn't that great.  Here.
} Let me look at it for ya.
}
} This is a prompt--> msg
} 1 message in usr/mail/oracle
} (1/1) type 1
} To: The Usenet Oracle <oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
} From: God <god@pearly.gates.com>
} Date: Mon Feb. 16, 1990 (0:43 GMT)
} Subject: Re:
} Enter message: (type ctrl-] for help)
} -----------
}
} Hey Oracle.  I've been pretty busy....  been looking after that thing
} in the Middle East, you know.  Pretty heavy.  The angels are pretty
} busy too, but Shelley has been taking some time off.  She's surprised
} you remembered her. She only saw you at that party, you know.
}
} So anyway...  ya...ya...  I understand.  Heh.  I know how it goes.
} I get asked some pretty asinine questions myself (:-)).  But admit
} it... it's fun.
}
} He *is* pretty noxious.  And come to think of it... his face *does*
} remind me of a doormat.  Funny. I never thought of it that way.
} But a demon price?  Get real.
}
} Listen, I gotta get going.  They're calling me at a church service.
}  Take care.  Bless you.
}
} --
} God                         []                  I am all-powerful
}                           [====]                and almighty.
} god@pearly.gates.com        []                 It's in the Bible!
}                             []    ...bless you sons and daughters!
} -------------------------------------------------------------------
} (1/1) quit
} No changes made.
}
} 1 message in usr/mail oracle
}
} So there you go.  Have a nice day!
}
} You owe the oracle a better answer for 'what's the meaning of life?'
} than 'chocolate'.


284-02    (11430 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Excuse me, the telephone is ringing...
>
> ... OK, I'm back. Now what was I going to ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, puny mortal...  you blew it again.
}
} You WERE going to ask me, perhaps the most important question for all
} mankind...  the question to enlighten the masses...  a question whose
} answer would bring humanity to a higher level of existance...
}
} BUT NO...  [rumble]
}
} *YOU* had to answer the telephone, and disrupt your train of thought.
} More than that, you failed to fulfill the prophecy about the meek
} inheriting the earth, because, you (who was, incidentally, chosen by all
} of us up here, to be the leader of the meek) forgot the question.  And
} what do you have to show for it?  Nothing...  nothing except the
} traumatic memory of a prank phone call asking for Mr. "Homer Sexual".
}
} [sigh] I guess we must delay our plans by another few millenia before we
} find another who will fulfill the prophecy.  I hope your friends will
} forgive you in your dismal failure.
}
} A hint:  The question had something to do with...
}
} Vanilla Ice and the reason for his existance...
} The causes of blue lightning...
} And the scent of Lisa's body in the morning sunshine...
}
} In payment for the Oracle's Services, you must:
} 1) Write a 1000 word apology in Babylonian.
} 2) Avoid all sweets for 14 months. and...
} 3) GET AN ANSWERING MACHINE!!!!
}
} The Oracle hath spoken...


284-03    (23220 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now what's this!? Don't you have a sense of humor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has a sense of humor.  The part about what you owe the Oracle
} is the humorous part.
}
} You owe the Oracle three weeks' room cleaning.


284-04    (52020 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?Puedo hablar contigo hoy?  ?Por que comiste la caca?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh boy, another grade school kid after his first week of Spanish
} class...


284-05    (23400 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle,  Holder of the power of question and answer:
>
> How come it takes so long for You to answer my questions?  I mean, it's
> not like You have anything better to do!
>
> Thanx (if it's a prompt reply)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well it seems that the oracle's question queue has been getting rather
} full lately due to too many people asking questions and the oracle's
} slack suplicants not answering enough.  I've hired some ex-Iraqi
} Republican Guard Units to shoot...  er no encourage yea that's it
} encourage higher morale and a better work ethic.  If you would like to
} help, send the oracle some ask me's instead of tell me's.  Or tell Lisa
} to put out to the supplicants more...  that would sure raise morale.
} I'd end up with some tired supplicants though.


284-06    (21141 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why bud dry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bud Dry because big rain cloud no come for many day.  Oracle do rain
} dance for to give rain god bidding:
}
} [shuffle..shuffle..skip] [shuffle..skip..shuffle]
} [skip..shuffle..shuffle]
}
} tom-tomma-tomma-kippie-yi-yi-yaaa huhmph!  whumph!  Up down turn around,
} send a pail-o-waaaaaaater Up down turn around, send a pail
} todaaaaaaaaay.....
}
} Bud!  Bud!  Bud!  (when you say 'bud' you say it all)
}
} You owe the oracle a new headdress


284-07    (02511 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gosh darn it, when will my desk suddenly (yet exotically) discover its
> true purpose and stop deflocculating all these pigeons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, although you fail to show respect for the Oracle, and even invoke
} the assistance of one of His competitors, the High Priest of Gosh, the
} Oracle is forgiving.  Besides, Gosh retired 32 years ago when the last
} of the Andy Hardy movies was made.  Somehow, Mickey Rooney just wasn't
} convincing as a teenager anymore.  Maybe it was the wig.
}
} It does worry the Oracle that you presume that your desk has a higher
} purpose than the deflocculation of pigeons.  Nevertheless, you are, in
} fact, correct.  The pigeons are actually the task of your desk lamp,
} your desk has not yet had the opportunity to begin its higher purpose in
} furniture.
}
} Now, since you have decided to urge your desk along to its ultimate
} destiny, you are going to have to supply some of the necessary support.
}
} Please assemble the following items.
}
} 3 Peanut Butter and jelly sandwiches.  (Skippy Peanut butter, Welchs'
}   Grape Jelly, any bread except Wonder Bread)
}
} about 100 Bandaids (tm).  (The clear kind are best.)
}
} a sack from a grocery store, preferrably the double-thickness kind.
}    (the single thickness ones are _so_ unreliable these days.)
}
} Once you have assembled these items, place the 3 PB&J sandwiches in the
} corners of the desk furthest away from the window.  Carefully unwrap the
} Bandaids and use them to connect the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
} together, making sure not to have any part of the Bandaids touching the
} surface of the desk.  (If necessary, place some kind of support between
} the chain of Bandaids and the desk.  Don't under any circumstances use
} your dirty socks for this task, however.)
}
} Recite the wording on the grocery sack backwards 23 times while standing
} on your head, wearing only clean underwear.  (Splurge, do your laundry
} more often than once a month!)
}
} After you have sucessfully completed this task, your desk will be on the
} road towards its future.
}
} The Oracle thanks you for your efforts, no payment is necessary.
}
} Oh, you wanted to know wt your desk's true destiny was?  Sorry, you
} didn't ask that question!


284-08    (23310 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, who has to put up with multudinous
> questions from the seven cornres of the earth,
> please tell me what are the top oten asked questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The top oten asked questions
}
} 10.   Who are you?
} 9.    What is your favorite question?
} 8.    Why is there air?
} 7.    Who is Lisa?
} 6.    How can I get that guy to notice me?
} 5.    How can I get *any* gal to notice me?
} 4.    How does the Oracle work?
} 3.    How do I get into the Oracularities?
} 2.    What are the top oten asked questions?
} and
} 1.    How much wood would a woodchuck  arrgguuugghhh!  I can't type it!
}
} You owe the Oracle a *new* and *original* question.


284-09    (11241 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Have I spawned another personality without knowing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's find out...
} ! >message.$eoi
} iuvax # telnet @@questioner@@.cerebellum.mind.com
} MVS/XA telnet server...
} Please login:  unixserver
} Password: xxxxxxxx
}
} Loading unix emulation mode... microcode loaded.
} Welcome!
} Would you like root access? y
} Root access password? xxxxxxxx
} Would you prefer to have read-only access (please!)? n
} On his head be it then.  You're in.  Be careful.
} (/bin/bsh: brain shell)
} brain # ps -e
} 000  monitor         755598975735.55     /bin/brain.kernel.d
} 001  console             21984444.11     /bin/bsh
} 002  personality1         9983555.55     /bin/id.d
} 003  personality1          592444.44     /bin/ego.d
} 004  personality1           96660.00     /bin/superego.d
} 081  personality1              55.21     /bin/fork /usr/virus/prop.d
} 121  personality2         8847693.88     /usr/virus/kernel.d
} 134  personality2          879331.67     /usr/virus/interface.d
} 176  personality2           57655.99     /usr/virus/antibiotic.d
} 190  personality2            9910.80     /usr/virus/watchdog.d
} 667  console                    1.21     /bin/bsh (iuvax.cs.indiana.edu)
} brain #
} MSG from watchdog.d
} ** You're being logged out, sucker!  Forget it!
} -Process killed
} Connection killed by foreign host.
} iuvax # resume.message -p
} (pipe killed by resume)
}
} It appears that you indeed do have another personality.  However, don't
} worry it's only a virus you picked up.
}
} You owe the oracle two coughs.


284-10    (11520 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who sees all, but in reality knows nothing, except
> as a collective entity,
> how is it that so many have come to trust your knowledge, despite
> its true lack of wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in
} the wind.
}
} There you go, you owe the oracle a...
}
} What's that?  Oh, you aren't going to fall for the old answer-him-with-
} an-old-folk-song-and-he'll-go-away-and-take-his-annoying-question-with-
} him bit eh?  Darn, hmmmmmmmmm....  That means I really have to think of
} something, or Hey!  Wait a minute!  I don't have to think!  I'll just
} ask Mr. Joe Average aka John Q Public.
}
} Joe, get over here....
}
} (scruffy looking gentlemen, obvious blue collar worker walks up)
}
} Mr. Average, could you answer something for me.
}
} AVERAGE:    Call me Joe, and sure Oracle, though I don't see why you
} need my help, seeing as you know everything anyway.
}
} Yes, well, my friend here doesn't trust my wisdom, so tell him, why is
} it that you and others like you have come to trust my knowledge, despite
} my true lack of wisdom?
}
} AVERAGE:    Huh?
}
} Why do you pay attention to my advice?
}
} AVERAGE:    Oh, that's easy, cos your a really smart guy!
}
} Thank you.
}
} You can go now Joe.
}
} AVERAGE:    Any time Mr. Oracle.
}
} There you have it, that's why.
}
} You owe the oracle an apology and the next time you disguise an insult
} as a grovel like that I'll fry your brains out.


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