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Internet Oracularities #285

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Usenet Oracularities #285    (11 votes, 3.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 2 Apr 91 14:54:58 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

285   11 votes 13142 02243 21620 21620 02522 00344 01361 10424 02621 00425
285   3.5 mean  3.3   3.7   2.7   2.7   3.4   4.1   3.6   3.7   3.2   4.1


285-01    (13142 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, is your name Rick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have many names.  I am that I am.  My name is...not important.  Some
} call me...Tim!  Call me Ishmael.  My name is Sue; how do you do?  I'm
} Batman.  Hey, hey, we're the Monkees!  I am Tiberius Claudius Drusus
} Nero Germanicus This-and-That-and-the-other.  My name is Tommy, I became
} aware last year.  We are Terry and Maggie and Suzie.  My name is Inigo
} Montoya.  Hi!  My name is Jimmy Carter, and I'm running for President.
}
} You owe the Oracle more names.


285-02    (02243 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh magnificent oracle:
>
> Why do they call it doggie style and not cat style or horse style or ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These are all different techniques, each with its own name.  Doggy style
} is simply the most appealing, to most humans.
}
} Doggy style:  The male launches himself at the female from behind, and
} his organ swells to the point that it cannot be disengaged.  He pumps
} madly, with an idiot grin on his face, until he either completes his
} task, or until a neighbor sprayshim down with a hose.
}
} Kitty style:  Once a year, the female gets irritable and moody,
} scratches up the upholstery, and makes a godawful mess on the floor.
} The male follows her around fascinatedly sniffing her hindquarters,
} until late in the night, and when she is someplace out in the open in
} the back yard, suddenly jumps her from behind.  The female screams loud
} enough to wake the neighbors, swats the male across the nose, and then
} rolls in the dirt purring.
}
} Horsy style:  The male dashes up to the female in an open field.  The
} female either stands absolutely still, or lashes out with her hind legs
} to drive off the male.  The male grasps the female about the waist with
} his forelegs, and finishes his business is a few seconds.
}
} Fishy style:  The female finds a secluded part of a stream and ejects
} her ova into the water.  The male ejactulates all over the ova, and dies
} soon after.
}
} Take your pick.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Milkbones and a flea collar.


285-03    (21620 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   TWIT, BRAINLESS DIPSHIT
>
> WHY AM I SUCH A NERD?  NOONE LIKES MY ANSWERS FOR THE ORACLE, AND ALL
> I GET IS FLAMES FOR MY QUESTIONS.  WHAT'S WRONG?
>
> TWIT, BRAINLESS DIPSHIT
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There, there, Twit.  Don't feel so bad.   Have some toast.  That
} always makes the Oracle feel better.
}
} Now:  Let's address your problems one at a time:
}
} 1)  All capitals make it sound like you're shouting.  This is a
} civilized universe.  Gentlemen speak with poise and finesse.
}
} 2)  The word "noone" does not exist.  It looks like you are spelling
} an Old English phrase for the middle of the day.  Either choose "no
} one" or "nobody."
}
} 3)  If your name is "Twit" then "Brainless dipshit" is your title
} and "Student" is redundant.  Besides "Brainless dipshit" and
} "Student" are pretty much synonyms as it is.
}
} Now that we've straightened out the grammer problems with your
} questions, let's work on improving their quality:
}
} Try to think of questions that aren't so obvious.  "Is that your
} nose or are you eating a banana?" is not going to inspire the Oracle
} to heights of creativity.  Generally, the Oracle responds to clever
} questions with proportional cleverness.  (Of course, sometimes you
} end up with boobs anyway.  If you're lucky.)
}
} Additionally, just keep trying.  You EVENTUALLY have to get a good
} answer -- it's the law of averages.  Now go have some toast.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good question.


285-04    (21620 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help .... I've fallen and can't get up.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Well, it's your own fault. You'll just have to be patient
} for a little bit, and and try again after you smash into the
} ground. Try to be more careful about packing your parachute when
} you go skydiving in your next reincarnation.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE some flattery, a better question, and
} a quick revision to your will./


285-05    (02522 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If flag burning is outlawed, what's next?  Will they ban such
> blatantly anti-patriotic activity as speaking out against the
> government?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} X-Envelope From: government@capitol.com
}
} We regrettably must inform you that we cannot permit the Oracle to
} answer your question at this time. His proposed answer, when run past us
} in the usual fashion, described the US government in somewhat less than
} the best light. Because of the Oracle's tremendous influence we felt it
} best that such answers should not circulate.
}
} We apologize for the inconvenience.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} George Bush     |  george@white.house.org  |   Saddam Hussein is a
} Richard Cheney  |    dick@defense.com      |   terrible thing...
}
} P.S. The Oracle said to tell you that you owe the Oracle Glasnost
} and a vodka. DwH


285-06    (00344 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> so what do I do????????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, my.  Five words, eight question marks.  You must like punctuation
} more than you like writing.  No matter, I _like_ writing.
}
} WELCOME TO THE ORACULAR VERSION OF "WHAT'S MY LINE?" THE INTERNET'S
} FAVORITE GAME SHOW.  HERE IS YOUR HOST, THE ORACLE.
}
} (applause)
}
} Thank you, and welcome to "What's My Line".  Please meet the
} distinguished members of our panel:
}
} Our first panelist is the hottest thing on Broadway since Nathan's added
} peppers to their hot dogs.  Please welcome Andrew Lloyd Webber.
}
} (applause)
}
} (singing) I'm really glad to be here tonight, Although I've just had a
} terrible fright, Aspects of Love recently closed, Guess I'll have to
} stay on my toes.
}
} Our second panelist is the producer of "Twin Peaks", David Lynch
}
} (applause)
}
} The shadow of the evening will underscore the futility of life.  Are
} there to be more deaths once the shortage of Saran Wrap is over?
}
} Our third panelist is the boy wonder of Redmond, Washington, Bill Gates.
}
} (applause)
}
} The User Interface for the USENET Oracle is directly copied from
} Windows.  You'll be hearing from our lawyers, assuming Scully doesn't
} file suit first.
}
} Our final panelist is none other than the ghost of Bennet Cerf.
}
} (applause)
}
} Thank you John, I mean Oracle.  It's true that the quality of mercy is
} not strained.  These days, its pureed.
}
} Will tonight's mystery guest sign in please.
}
} (scribble scribble)
}
} Now panel, please remember to ask questions that can be answered Yes or
} No.  We'll begin our questioning with Mr. Webber:
}
} (singing) You type like a hurried lad, are you perhaps an undergrad?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's one down and nine to go.  Mr Lynch:
}
} Damn, that's good singing!  Are you employed in something which requires
} very little training, then?
}
} Guest:  Yes.
}
} The Log Lady thinks you might be a computer salesman.  Are you?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's two down and eight to go.  Mr Gates:
}
} My question is in beta test and will be available during the third
} quarter.
}
} Oracle:  That's three down and seven to go.  Mr. Cerf:
}
} Are you, perhaps, one of the voice stand-ins for Milli Vanilli?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's four down and six to go.  Back to you, Mr. Webber.
}
} (singing) Cats are mystical, and so I say, Do you work mostly by day?
}
} Guest:  Yes.
}
} At last the puzzle starts to unravel, does your work require a lot of
} travel?
}
} Guest:  Yes.
}
} I ask two questions, twice I get 'yes', are you, perhaps, a stewardess?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's five down and five to go.  Mr Lynch:
}
} Diane, I'm sitting on the panel of this ficticious game show, being
} created by an otherwise bored computer geek.  Get his address in case we
} need some odd character for the season finale.  Does your work involve
} driving a vehicle?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's six down and four to go.  Mr. Gates:
}
} Having acquired the software division of Mr Lynch's company, we have
} released a patch to version 1.0 of his question.  Are you a computer
} saleswoman?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's seven down and three to go.  Mr. Cerf:
}
} Your typing sounds familiar.  Didn't I see you on the Letterman show?
}
} Guest:  Yes and No.
}
} Oracle:  We'll interpret that as a yes.
}
} Are you a member of that most octavian fraternity, a musician?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's eight down and two to go.  Mr. Webber:
}
} (singing) The questioning is nearly done, are you the producer's son?
}
} Guest:  No.
}
} Oracle:  That's nine down and one to go.  Mr Lynch, I'm sorry but your
}        question was acquired by Mr. Gates' company which has elected to
}        withdraw it from the market in favor of Excel.  That's ten down
}        and none to go.  Mystery guest, would you identify yourself,
} please.
}
} Guest:  I'm Dan Quayle.
}
} Panel:  Who?
}
} Oracle:  That's all the time we have today.  Thank you for tuning in and
}        tune in next time for the Oracular version of "What's My Line".
}
} (applause)
}
} GUEST ACCOMODATIONS BY FDDI, THE 100 MEGABIT AIRLINE.  WHEN YOU WANT AN
} OPEN CHANNEL TO ANYWHERE, JUST ASK YOUR NETWORK MANAGER TO BOOK YOU ON
} FDDI.
}
} You owe the Oracle a guest appearance on the Arsenio Hall Show.


285-07    (01361 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, you...  Yeah, you...  Oracle.  Yeah, that's right:
>
> And just what the hell am I?  Chopped liver?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chopped liver?  No, how droll.  You are the confluence of many forces:
} chemical, mechanical, emotional, spiritual, etc.  You are a veritable
} symphony of spontaneous creativity mixed with the reliable perfection
} of a well tuned machine.  You are at once a single unit of life and a
} complex web of subtle interactions.  You have the power to travel to
} the stars, split atoms, discover deep mathematical symmetries, compose
} beautiful poetry, and procreate.  You rise above the common run of
} life through the power of ethics, morality, and intelligence.  You are
} not merely an individual; you are part of an organized society of
} individuals.
}
} Oops, sorry.  Wrong supplicant.  You are chopped liver.


285-08    (10424 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is the mythical resting ground for un-mated socks?  I hear tell of
> secret passageways leading out from the little holes in my washing
> machine however I am alas too large a being to trace them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} that's just as well anyway.  see, socks don't sneak out through those
} little holes in the drum of the dryer.  even socks are too big for that.
} what happens is a complicated chain of events involving cotton-polyester
} fabrics, axial rotation, and static electricity.  it's best described by
} a set of six-dimensional poly-synchronous fermian transform equations,
} and i doubt your terminal has the proper character set to display them,
} so i'm not going to list them.  it's too bad, too, because if you could
} see them, i could just give you the formulas and leave the rest for you
} to work out, instead of wasting my precious time answering in verbose
} mode.  oh well.  anyway, the way it works is this:  the socks go in wet.
} the drum spins, and heats them up.  the water, wise to what's coming
} next, exits pretty damn pronto through the little holes in the drum.
} when the drum's rotation rate gets to 42 rpm, and the temperature of the
} sock mass reaches 392 degrees kelvin, something strange happens.  static
} begins to build up on the cotton-polyester fibers.  the net result is
} that a static (as in not moving) rotating electric field is set up, and
} a magnetic flux is induced in the space occupying the center of the
} drum.  under the right conditions of humidity, this field can reach a
} strength of 6x10^7 gauss, which opens a tunnel in the fabric of
} spacetime.  this fabric is unlike any fabrics known on earth, and is
} more like metallic silk than anything else.  anyway, it's highly
} conductive, and totally incompatible with cotton-polyester socks.  now
} if you've ever watched a dryer, the kind with a glass front, you will
} have seen how the socks spin around, and occasionally, one of them will
} fall through the middle of the rotating drum, rather than around it's
} periphery.  now, clearly not all of these socks vanish down the tunnel.
} but, should the center of mass of a sock intersect the tunnel (which has
} an estimated average radius of 0.005 mm.  this is derived from the
} spec's listed in the 1990 whirlpool catalog of home appliances, and as
} such may be a little less than scientifically accurate.) the sock gets
} sucked into the tunnel.  since the fabric of space is incompatible with
} the sock's material, the sock gets shot down the tunnel at speeds
} approaching 0.6c, which is pretty damn fast.  now the tunnel remains in
} existance for as long as the drier can maintain the abovementioned
} conditions.  since the average dryer cycle is about 40 minutes long, at
} those speeds, your poor socks can end up anywhere inside the radius of
} jupiter's orbit.  where exactly depends on the orientation of the dryer,
} naturally.  i hope this answers your question.
}
} you owe the oracle a pair of wool socks.  this sort of thing never
} happens with wool...


285-09    (02621 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sponges, sponges in my head
> Sponges, sponges in my bread
> Sponges, sponges so devine
> Sponges, sponges- please be mine!
>
> I long to squeeze thy spongy thighs
> Whilst staring hard into thine pulpy eyes
> Thy nostrils twitch with such smooth grace
> O let me sit upon thy face
>
> Oracle, thou art so chartreuse
> From you I would take any abuse
> My skin I'd let you pull and tug
> For you I'd roll up in a rug
>
> Before this rhyme becomes too long,
> Or before the rhythm comes out wrong,
> Let me just say this one phrase
> O, Oracle, most out of phase,
>
> I lust for every tiny pore
> Thou hast, mine nifty omnivore
> To feel you up is my desire
> Your presence makes me to perspire
>
> Oracle, I ask one thing:
> When the telephone dost ring
> And answering it, one finds no sound
> Who will send the cops around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, you are a troubled individual, aren't you?  Lusting for sponges,
} machoistic behavior, facination with rugs, answering nonfunctional
} telephones...I'm afraid you need serious help.  Check yourself into your
} local Mental Institute.  If not, those healthy men in white coats will
} visit you soon, and check you into the Institute, anyways.  Of course,
} if you do it yourself, you get to choose which one you want to go to.
} If you are forced out of your happy house into a public Rehabilitation
} Center.  Of course there are lots of advantages to being insane.  Free
} meals, free rent, free clothes ('course they only have one color, and
} the overcoats are a bit constricting), your political stance is not
} ridiculed like normal, and you'll have lots of time to finish your book.
} You also don't have to leave your room to go to the gym, just bounce off
} the walls, and you get free mind-altering drugs!!  Don't worry about
} memory loss, lack of coordination, lack of concentration, or
} hallucinations, they're normal.  Of course, some fractured individuals
} feel they should not be imprisoned against their will.  For them, here
} is a list of helpful hints to avoid capture:
}
}          1.  Don't answer the phone, mail, or computer messages (except
} to your friend, the Oracle)!
}
}          2.  Remain in the middle of your room during the day, only go
} out at night.
}
}          3.  Try and act like everyone else, unless your in California,
} where nobody will notice if you're insane or not.
}
}          4.  Remember that almost anyone could be an agent for the CIA,
} the NSA, the FBI, the GRU, the KGB, MI-6, the IRA, the IRS, the ASPCA,
} the SRI, the OSI, AT&T (These buggars are the worst!!  Stay away!!),
} DARPA, the DOE, the Illuminatus, the AFOSI, and the MIA!  Trust no one!
}
}          5.  When you do go out, buy large quantities of goods, so you
} have to go out less, and remember to pick through your local landfill
} and dumpster for items of use, like food and clothes.
}
}          6.  Don't ever take showers or baths, or wash your clothes, or
} even take off your clothes!  During that short time, agents for all
} types of secret societies will take pictures and try and enter so they
} can capture you in the nude, and brainwash you for the forces of evil.
}
}          7.  Remember that there are also ALIENS all over the place!
} Don't trust anyone that acts in anyway strange!  Activities considered
} strange are:  not going out in day, not washing regularily, and acute
} paranioa.
}
}          8.  Never talk to anyone, always SHOUT REAL LOUD!!  Normal
} people are actually very hard of hearing.
}
}          9.  It's helpful to carry items such as:  plungers, remote
} controls, chair legs, power cords, and broken keyboards.  Also, abandon
} useful items like food, clothes, and money in the street to throw off
} suspicion.
}
}          10.  Ignore common sense, and do whatch' ya like.  Fight
} reality!
}
} You owe the Oracle some Quaaludes, a color coordinated straightjacket,
} and another session with Binky the Wonder Psychologist.


285-10    (00425 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, wise one,
>   My school just built a new athletic building.  What is its scriptural
>   significance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scriptural significance?   Hmm. . . let me check.  The only scriptural
} database I have is on an old Apple //e.  I think I can down load it.
}
}  $ ftp apple.hayes.oracle.god
}  TCP Wollongong FTP server ready (0.0.00.0) 31-MAR-1991 22:31:24.93
}  Connection established
}  (Connection will close if left idle for more than 5 minutes.)
}  APPLE.HAYES.ORACLE.GOD> LO ORACLE
}   Enter password:
}  (User ORACLE logged in at 1-APR-1991  04:31:24.93 GST)
}  ] pr#3
}  ] run
}  Wholly Holy -- the Biblical Processor
}  Copyright (C) 1983, 1985 Heritage Enterprises
}  Concordance Copyright (C) 1985 Microsoft, Inc.
}
}  Hallelujah!> help
}  Press "B" to Begin reading
}  Press "C" to Continue reading where you left off
}  Press "O" for additional Options
}  Press "Q" to Quit
}  Press "S" to initiate Search
}  Press "T" to Tithe
}  Press "V" for random inspirational Verse
}  Hallelujah!> S
}  Enter string to search for: athletic
}  Enter books to search (<RET> for all, ? for help):
}  Searching:
}
}  Numbers 23:21:  "And verily, there shall be athletic buildings,
}                   and the athletes shall sweat therein, and the
}                   number of athletes shall be seventy times seven.
}                   And they shall abide therein, and by their sweat
}                   they shall serveth the Lord."
}
}  Matthew 2:37:  "And Nezrahiah begat Jehilipha, who was athletic,
}                  and Jehilipha lived to be two hundred, four and
}                  twenty years, when he begat Hectel, who was not
}                  athletic, . . ."
}
}  II John 4:2:  "Then Jesus bowed his head and said, 'With this
}                 loaf I feedeth you, with this salve I anointeth
}                 you, and with this fig leaf I art thine athletic
}                 supporter.'"
}
}  3 references found.  Search Apocrypha?  (Y/N): Y
}
}  Judith 1:4: "And it will come to pass that the finest athletes
}               will come to this athletic building to sweat unto
}               the Lord, and the number of the athletes will be
}               seventy times seven plus seventy times seven again,
}               but the number of the buildings shall be just one."
}
}  1 additional reference found.
}  Hallelujah!> Q
}  Amen.
}
}  ] init
}  Connection closed by remote.
}  FTP> ^Z
}  $ lo
}
}    ORACLE    logged out at 31-MAR-1991 22:34:24.93
}
} Well, there, you have it.  I'd search the Koran and the Torah for
} you, but alt.religions is down right now.


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