} My, you are a troubled individual, aren't you? Lusting for sponges,
} machoistic behavior, facination with rugs, answering nonfunctional
} telephones...I'm afraid you need serious help. Check yourself into your
} local Mental Institute. If not, those healthy men in white coats will
} visit you soon, and check you into the Institute, anyways. Of course,
} if you do it yourself, you get to choose which one you want to go to.
} If you are forced out of your happy house into a public Rehabilitation
} Center. Of course there are lots of advantages to being insane. Free
} meals, free rent, free clothes ('course they only have one color, and
} the overcoats are a bit constricting), your political stance is not
} ridiculed like normal, and you'll have lots of time to finish your book.
} You also don't have to leave your room to go to the gym, just bounce off
} the walls, and you get free mind-altering drugs!! Don't worry about
} memory loss, lack of coordination, lack of concentration, or
} hallucinations, they're normal. Of course, some fractured individuals
} feel they should not be imprisoned against their will. For them, here
} is a list of helpful hints to avoid capture:
} 1. Don't answer the phone, mail, or computer messages (except
} to your friend, the Oracle)!
} 2. Remain in the middle of your room during the day, only go
} out at night.
} 3. Try and act like everyone else, unless your in California,
} where nobody will notice if you're insane or not.
} 4. Remember that almost anyone could be an agent for the CIA,
} the NSA, the FBI, the GRU, the KGB, MI-6, the IRA, the IRS, the ASPCA,
} the SRI, the OSI, AT&T (These buggars are the worst!! Stay away!!),
} DARPA, the DOE, the Illuminatus, the AFOSI, and the MIA! Trust no one!
} 5. When you do go out, buy large quantities of goods, so you
} have to go out less, and remember to pick through your local landfill
} and dumpster for items of use, like food and clothes.
} 6. Don't ever take showers or baths, or wash your clothes, or
} even take off your clothes! During that short time, agents for all
} types of secret societies will take pictures and try and enter so they
} can capture you in the nude, and brainwash you for the forces of evil.
} 7. Remember that there are also ALIENS all over the place!
} Don't trust anyone that acts in anyway strange! Activities considered
} strange are: not going out in day, not washing regularily, and acute
} 8. Never talk to anyone, always SHOUT REAL LOUD!! Normal
} people are actually very hard of hearing.
} 9. It's helpful to carry items such as: plungers, remote
} controls, chair legs, power cords, and broken keyboards. Also, abandon
} useful items like food, clothes, and money in the street to throw off
} 10. Ignore common sense, and do whatch' ya like. Fight
} You owe the Oracle some Quaaludes, a color coordinated straightjacket,
} and another session with Binky the Wonder Psychologist.