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Internet Oracularities #287

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Usenet Oracularities #287    (13 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 5 Apr 91 15:16:35 -0500

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with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

287   13 votes 04621 36220 35320 33610 11353 04243 41710 24511 34330 02452
287   2.8 mean  3.0   2.2   2.3   2.4   3.6   3.5   2.4   2.6   2.5   3.5


287-01    (04621 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wizened oracle, battle scarred one, o accumulatrix of many
> compliments deserved and undeserved, o provacateur of many intrigues
> foreign, domestic, yea, even intergalactic, I have a wee question:
>
> Has there ever been, or will there ever be, a male earthling with a
> soul even greater than that of Cyrano de Bergerac?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A soul searching question, eh?  To settle questions like these, I
} usually use the Afterlife/Beforelife Unified Soul Examination (ABUSE)
} index.  The test provides an impartial indicator of soul mass and
} density using psychotemporal wave refraction, preconductive
} spirituality deflection, and nose length.  Before settling the issue
} of Cyrano de Bergerac, let us examine the ABUSE index for some other
} famous people.
}
} Gengis Khan           23.1
} Abraham Lincoln               48.7
} George Bush           12.4  (What can I say?  Fact is fact.)
} Billy Joel            32.2
} New Kids on the Block 4.8 each
}
} Now for M. de Bergerac...  drum roll please...
}
} Cyrano de Bergerac    54.4
}
} Very impressive, the nose helps of course.  Anything above 40
} qualifies a person automatically for Great Man or Great Women status.
} But male earthlings have had higher scores in the past.  Ghandi scored
} a 59.1 and Aristotle scored a 55.6.  The highest score of all time for
} a male human is from George Ackman, who scored a whopping 67.3.  Most
} people do not know George Ackman, but I can assure you that he was an
} Extremely Great Man.  We are talking an amazing level of Greatness.
} When he walked into a room, women would faint, men would sweat, and
} children would urinate.  He was lynched at the age of 32 by an angry
} mob.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of orthomystic soul supporters.


287-02    (36220 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Oracle.  It's me again.
>
> I was wondering about this "voting" thing.  The instructions
> say to rate each Oracularity on a scale of 1 to 5.  For future
> reference, could you provide me with examples of what a "1" is,
> what a "2" is, etc.?
>
> I would be most grateful.
>
> Your humble servant and erstwhile sex slave.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dear, this is very much a matter of opinion.  But here's mine:
}
} 1:  Dull, long-winded, not at all funny.  You can't conceive why any
} Oracular priest might possibly have chosen the damned thing.
}
} 2:  Raises a slight smile at best.  You still wish that you hadn't
} wasted your time reading the damned thing.
}
} 3:  You almost laugh out loud.  You're glad that you read the
} Oracularity.  Or even if it's not funny, it's wise and witty and conveys
} a neglected truth.
}
} 4.  You laugh out loud at least once.  Or if it's not funny, it shows a
} deep and telling insight into the human condition.
}
} 5:  You burst out laughing:  you can't help it at all.  Or it's
} basically a level-4 but it's both profound and hilarious.
}
} My opinion is that points should be awarded not merely for humor but for
} wisdom as well.  Either take both into account in assigning a number or
} agitate for a double system (humor/wisdom:  two numbers).
}
} This incarnation has never gotten more than 2.8 or so for an answer.
} Damn.
}
} This reply, if it's included, will not get more than a 2.0


287-03    (35320 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Beam me up, Scotty.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great...another Trekkie.  Don't you people have a life outside of
} television??
}
} You'll have to forgive me.  _Star Trek_ is a punishment that backfired
} on me.  Once a young man named Bill Shatner came to me and asked me if
} he would make a good actor.  I was honest--I told him that he stunk.  Of
} course, I asked him for payment of services.  He refused.  As
} punishment, I gave him a big ego and the curse of over-acting.  You know
} the rest...
}
} You owe the Oracle Counselor Deanna Troy.


287-04    (33610 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A co-worker of mine, a female, insists on using the word "doo-doo" to
> refer to anything even slightly bad or even a little "ickey".   At
> first, I didn't mind it, it was kinda cute.  But now, every time she
> says it, it grinds me, like when you run your fingers down a
> blackboard.  I can almost hear her saying it now, "ickey" "ickey"
> "ICKEY" "ICKEY!!"
>
> Is there anything I can do, or should I commit myself to an assylum?
> (or perhaps a large university, if I have alot of money)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The key word is "asylum" (note proper spelling).  That's right, your
} co-worker is the only daughter of Frank Hardwick, the multi-millionare
} who made his fortune with a chain of posh "Mental Recovery Centres" for
} celebs.  Business has dropped off since stars can now sob their guts out
} on television talk shows like "Oprah!" so the daughter is trying to drum
} up business by driving everyone around her nuts.  Once she has done
} that, she'll move on to another unsuspecting group...
}
} There is hope.  She can't stand the words "grody" or "barfola," after a
} nasty incident involving a valley girl with a strap-on dildo.  So each
} time she says "ickey," reply "grody"; if it's "doo-doo," reply
} "barfola." Soon she'll be visiting the Rubber Ramada.  Better her than
} you.


287-05    (11353 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What ever became of the Camp Fire Girls?  Were they taken over by a lot
> of camp Fire Island types?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Do you mean "campy Fire Island types"?)
}
} The following is excerpted from The Oracular Enquirer (the leading
} all-digital tabloid), July 15, 1989:
}
}
}         CAMP FIRE GIRLS EXTINGUISHED IN MASS ANIMAL ORGY
}
}
}   Nantahala, NC:  The 42nd Annual Camp Fire Girls Convention came
} to an abrupt halt Saturday when puberty simultaneously struck all
} 63,000 Camp Fire Girls in attendance.
}
}   "It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen," said Hildegarde
} Potchetskie,  Vice-President  of Camp Fire Girls USA.    "All the
} girls were assembled together for the hygiene lecture when all of
} a sudden, their chests swelled out.  And I mean swelled!"   There
} was no room in the crowd for the added mass, and something like a
} human explosion resulted.
}
}   The girls, now women, scattered throughout the campsite looking
} for  available  men  to ravage  with  their  new-found sexuality.
} However, since this was an all-girls convention,  there were only
} two  men  in the  entire  compound;  they were  Hal  Trewer,  46,
} groundskeeper,  and Lamar Anderson, 27, a maintenance crewman who
} was there to handle an emergency repair to one of the showers.
}
}   When  the National Guard arrived  at the scene two hours later,
} both men were found dead  of dehydration,  and the women were all
} naked, writhing in one huddled mass with a few wild animals taken
} captive by the  sex-crazed  Camp  Fire  Girls.    National  Guard
} helicopters hosed them down  for an additional  48 hours,  before
} moving in.  The women are now located at 4^#%%f? sk-= &77f unable
} to read sector
} and are still  desperate for  male companionship.   Visitors  are
} welcome; however, they are urged to exercise extreme caution.
}
} ------------------------end of article---------------------------
}
} There you go.  I hope that answers your question.  Since I
} still have the paper out, would you like me to read you
} the horoscope?
}
}                       TODAY'S HOROSCOPE
}
} If today is your birthday, you are wrinkled and puffy, and still
} have your umbilical cord attached.  And you shouldn't be able to
} read this.
}
} If you were born yesterday, then you are vice-president.


287-06    (04243 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does she like me?  (She being a female human...I'm not that
> twisted...I'd give you her name, but I'm sure you already know it, oh
> All-Knowing One...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Slow fade in to an African veldt.  The flat plain stretches out before
} us, to a line of dark mountains, several of which are volcanoes.  An
} assortment of African-type animals wander across the plain.  Into the
} scene comes a line of native bearers, heavily laden with computer
} equipment, boxes of UNIX and emacs manuals, and a heavy-duty generator.
} They are followed by three Englishmen, nattily dressed in the latest in
} safari gear.]
}
} Quartermain:  Those mountains ahead are where the maps say we should
} find the city.
}
} Doomed Companion:  Do you really believe in this "She Who Must Be
} Obeyed" legend?  A woman over 2000 years old who rules these plains as a
} goddess?
}
} Quartermain (pulling out a badly dog-eared book):  Of course I do!  See,
} right here on page 426?  She exists!
}
} DC (uncertainly):  As you say, Quartermain, as you say.
}
} Quartermain (shouting to the native extras):  Set up that VAX under
} those trees, and put the Spark stations atop that rock!  Come on!  Chop
} chop!  And make me some tea!
}
} Various Natives:  Yes, sahib!
}
} [A large antelope-like animal wanders into view, and freezes at the
} sight of the men.]
}
} DC:  Quartermain, could that be an eland?
}
} Quartermain:  Indeed!  What a beautiful animal!  What grace!!  What a
} joy to see.  Give me my rifle!!
}
} Sound effect:  kerBLAAM!
}
} [Cut to dinner scene.  Quartermain and DC eat eland steaks by the eery
} glow of vt100's.  The as-yet unnamed third Englishman is playing a
} wicked game of Tetris.]
}
} DC:  What will you do when you meet She?
}
} Quartermain:  I shall ask her if she likes me.
}
} DC:  Huh?
}
} Quartermain:  She and I were destined from the beginning of time to be
} together; I am the reincarnation of Her ancient love.  We shall rule the
} world together as God and Goddess.
}
} DC:  You're a bit loony tunes, aren't you Quartermain?
}
} As-yet Unnamed Englishman (over his shoulder):  I say, blokes, I've
} asked the Oracle about this She bird.  It says we'd be much better off
} heading to Cairo for the fertility festival next Tuesday.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a large eland steak, medium-rare, with a side of
} fries.


287-07    (41710 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle, do you think if we both flattered those priests who
> make up the Oracularities, that we'd get in?  Huh?  So how about
> it.  Tell me just how well endowed they are.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my dear supplicant, I'm afraid you have it all wrong.  The Oracle
} does not exist to flatter the Priesthood.  Rather, the Priesthood exists
} solely to do the bidding of the Oracle.  Accordingly, instead of the
} Oracle describing just how well endowed the Priesthood are, I've asked a
} bunch of them (Who shall, of course, remain anonymous) to tell you,the
} supplicant, how well endowed the Usenet Oracle is.  Some of their
} replies follow:
} Anonymous Priest #1: "OH MY GAWD!!!!!"
} Anonymous Priest #2: "WILL YOU LOOKIT THE SIZE O' THOSE DISK DRIVES!!!"
} Anonymous Priest #3: "GEEEZ!!!"
} Lisa:... Well,actually, what followed my conversation with Lisa about
}          this matter can't really be repeated on a nice family net like
}          this...
}
} So you see, my friend, the Priesthood of the Oracle exist only for me...
} Hey, WAIT!!!  Kinzler, it was only a joke,I swear!  NO!  DON'T PULL THE
} PLUG...
}
}
} &^%#&*@^#GKJHGKJHS%DF&^%*&&*^*
} Machine crash
} Core Dumped.


287-08    (24511 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TERESE LUDDENBACHER LOVES JOE BOB BRINDLE.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alright kiddo, get off your daddy's terminal!  You're obviously too
} young to be on the Net - try going to grammar school first.  But here's
} your first lesson -
}
} <<<<<Pooooffff>>>>>>
}
} Sherman:  Golly Mr. Peabody, how'd we get here?
} Peabody:  Simplicity itself, my dear Sherman, the Illudium Q-38
}         explosive space modulator in the Way-Back Machine appears to
}         have been eaten by Martian termites.
}
} Narrator: And that was the case, for at that moment our heroes could
}         here a sinister chomping sound emanating from the back of the
}         Way- back machine!  Our heroes were stranded...
}
} Sherman:  What are we gonna do now, Mr. Peabody?
} Peabody:  We are going to have a grammar lesson...Now don't roll your
}         eyes, Sherman!  Sit straight and tell me, what is a question?
} Sherman:  You just asked me one.
} Peabody:  No, no, no, no, no!  Gramtically, what forms a question?
} Sherman:  Oh, that's easy.  A question mark at the end of the sentence.
} Peabody:  And what does a question mark look like?
} Sherman:  Well, it looks kinda of like a squiggly line with a dot at the
}         end.  Sort of like this:
}
}          ???????????
}       ?????      ?????
}       ??           ????
}                    ???
}                   ??
}                  ??
}                ???
}              ???
}            ??
}
}           ???
}           ???
}
} Peabody:  That's very good Sherman.  Now we'll...
}
} Narrator: But Peabody never got the rest of his sentece off, for at that
}         very moment, they were swished back into their everyday living
}         room!
}
} Sherman:  Wow, how'd you do that?
} Peabody:  Simplicity itself, Sherman.  I just followed the words of the
}         immortal William Shakespeare.  He said "Mine is not to do or
}         die, mine is but to question why."


287-09    (34330 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, f***.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being omniscient and pretty damn tough to fool, the Oracle knows
} exactly what you were thinking. I also know why you used asterisks
} in place of letters.
}
} You declined to fully spell the word out because you were embarassed
} to let me know you couldn't spell it correctly. You can't hide such
} facts from me. In fact, you are missing one asterisk.
}
} The Oracle knows you were thinking about fudge, because the Oracle
} was thinking the same thought. You see, you WOULD have spelled it
} wrong. Don't worry, being human, you mortals are allowed your share
} of mistakes.
}
} You owe the Oracle half of your fudge.


287-10    (02452 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most prudent, sage, sapient, judicious, and other synonyms for
> wise, please tell me.  What question is so hard that even you cannot
> answer it?
>
> After all, since are truly all knowing, and all powerful, you can devise
> such a question.
>
> -(a curious mortal who's read too much Godel)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are questions so hard that the Oracle *will* not answer them.  For
} example, "What is the fourth ionization potential of a uranium atom in
} the ground state?  And by the way, how do I get the girl at the next
} terminal to notice me?"
}
} There are questions so *complex* that the Oracle cannot answer them.
} "Would you list all the positive integers for me?  Oh yeah, also, the
} thing with the hamster didn't make the girl at the next terminal fall in
} love with me.  Any other ideas?"
}
} There are questions so *dull* that the Oracle *won't* answer them.  "Can
} you explain how to translate a tcsh shell script for use on a VM system?
} While I've got you:  the girl at the next terminal didn't go for a
} romantic, candlelit dinner of deep fried wilderbeast with thistle salad.
} You've *got* to help me!"
}
} There are questions so *stupid* that the Oracle can't be *bothered* to
} answer them, and will resort to random commentary and abuse.  "What is
} air?  Before I forget, are you *sure* that the girl at the next terminal
} will like me if I lash her to a telephone pole with duct tape, smear her
} with fruit pectin, and pelt her with hungry eels?"
}
} Now, as Dr. Goedel taught us all, there *are* questions that cannot be
} answered in any formal system.  The Oracle is a pretty damn informal
} system, but even so, there is such a question.  However, the Oracle is
} also self-modifying, so having found such a question, the Oracle would
} simply correct itself to be able to answer it, and you would have to
} find the unanswerable question all over again.  Neat trick, huh?
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a fresh supply of asterisks.
}
} P.S.  If you were expecting an infinite recursion of Oracular self-
} simulations with disasterous results and humorous references to Goedel,
} please re-read Oracularity #247-04, composed by this self same
} incarnation of the Oracle, Lo! these many weeks ago.


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