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Internet Oracularities #288

Goto:
288, 288-01, 288-02, 288-03, 288-04, 288-05, 288-06, 288-07, 288-08, 288-09, 288-10


Usenet Oracularities #288    (15 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 7 Apr 91 18:28:54 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

288   15 votes 43620 02256 12732 11265 66300 11670 23631 53601 25260 21525
288   3.0 mean  2.4   4.0   3.2   3.9   1.8   3.3   2.9   2.3   2.8   3.5


288-01    (43620 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the sky blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But it isn't!  It's yellow!  As yellow as my baby-yellow eyes!  As
} yellow as urine is blue!  As yellow as the yellowbells of Scotland, o
} where o where is ye're Hie-land lad-die gone?  He's gone to fieght the
} foe for King Geoorge u=pon the throne / And it's oh!  in my haert, I
} wish him safe at home...oh, sorry for the digression.  As yellow as a
} pair of new yellowjeans!  As yellow as you are, you damned coward!
}
} You owe the Oracle a yellowbirds fly over the black cliffs of Dover, a
} song sung yellow, the St. Louis Yellows, a Yellow Book of recent import
} car prices, a yellow-pencilling of its latest article, the Blue rose of
} Texas is the only girl for me, the Yellowbird of Happiness, the Blue
} Brick Road, the deep yellow sea, the Blue River, a yellow-haired old
} woman, a blue-haired young woman, a tube of chrome blue and another of
} Prussian yellow, a yellow baby, a member of the blue-skinned race, and a
} whole lot of other things the Oracle will think of presently.


288-02    (02256 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh magnificent Oracle, who can travel through the Bourne shell, the C
> shell, the Korn shell, the Bourne Again shell and the Poor Man's shell
> without being hurt nor confused, please tell me:
>       When Fred Flintstone shout 'YABADABADOO!', what is he trying to
>       say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CHORUS: Flintstones, meet the Flintstones!
}         They're the modern stone-age family!
}         From the town of Bedrock,
}         they're a page right out of history!
}
}         Let's ride with the family down the street
}         Through the courtesy of Fred's big feet
}         When you're with the Flintstones
}         Have a yabba-dabba-doo time,
}         a dabba-doo time,
}         we'll have a gay old time!
}
} (Scene:  WILMA is looking out of her window talking to
}          BETTY who's looking out her window.)
}
} WILMA: I don't know Betty.  Fred's just seemed so glum these
}        past few days.  He's been really moody, and I don't know
}        what to do.
}
} BETTY: I know just how you feel, Wilma.  While I was pregnant
}        with Bamm-Bamm, Barney just got more and more edgy.  If
}        you ask me, our species is beginning to develop a libido.
}        Whatever that is.
}
} WILMA: You know, you're right.  In fact, last night I remember
}        him asking Mr. Slate if dishwashers were more affectionate
}        if you fed them more often.  Are you thinking what I'm
}        thinking?
}
} BETTY: I don't know.  Fred's an awfully desperate man, but I
}        don't think he's that desperate.
}
} WILMA: You may be right.  Still, I don't know how much more of
}        this I'll be able to stand.
}
} (Scene: the quarry.  Cheesy music.  FRED is on a brontosaurus
}         moving rocks around.  The whistle-bird blows, and FRED
}         slides down the neck to find BARNEY waiting for him.)
}
} FRED: Barney, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
}
} BARNEY: Have you tried having sex with Wilma?
}
} FRED: Sex?  What's that?
}
} BARNEY: Well, you know how in cartoons we always have children
}         through creative license?  Well, there's another way.
}
} FRED: Really?  Do you think it will help?
}
} BARNEY: Absolutely.  Sex is the greatest invention since fire
}         and the wheel.  No, it's even _better_ than the wheel?
}         Did I ever tell you _why_ we named our kid Bamm-Bamm?
}
} FRED: No.  Doesn't it have something to do with that club he
}       carries?
}
} BARNEY: Ha, ha!  You're a kidder, Fred.  Only stupid little
}         children would think that.  Here, Fred, nobody's
}         looking.  Let me show you what it's like.
}
} FRED: Hey, Barney, what are you doing?  Hey, now, watch it!
}       Hey!  Stop that!  Hey!  Hey?  Heeeey, this is great!
}
} (They have a gay old time.)
}
} FRED: YABBA-DABBA-DOOOOOO!!!
}
} BARNEY: What was that?
}
} FRED: Man, that felt great!  You can do _that_ to women?
}
} BARNEY: Some people say it's even better that way.
}
} FRED: C'mon.  We're going home PRONTO!
}
} (FRED gets in his car and sets a new world land-speed record.)
}
} (Scene: at home.  More cheesy music.  FRED pulls up to the curb
}         and gets out of the car.)
}
} DINO: Bow-wow-wow!  Bow-wow-wow-wow-wow!
}
} FRED: C'mon, Dino!  You'll get your turn soon.  But I've just GOT
}       to see my wife.
}
} (FRED gets up and enters the house.  WILMA is waiting.)
}
} WILMA: Fred!  You're home really early today!
}
} FRED: C'mon, Wilma, you're gonna looooove this!
}
} (They, too, have a gay old time.)
}
} FRED: YABBA-DABBA-DOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
}
} WILMA:  What was that, Fred?  Oh, oh, OH,  YABBA-DABBA-DOOOOOOOO!!!!
}
} CHORUS: When you're with the Flintstones,
}         Have a yabba-dabba-doo time,
}         a dabba-doo time,
}         We'll have a gay old time!!
}
} FRED:  Wilma!  Willllllmaaaaaa!


288-03    (12732 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Mighty Oracle, Voted-Most-Likely-to-Transend-Reality:
>
> What, exactly, is the Kool-Aid flavor "Sharkleberry Fin" supposed to
> taste like?  All the other oddly titled flavors -- like "PurpleSaurus
> Rex" -- have some identifying information -- like "Grape-Lemonade" --
> beneath the name.  Not "Sharkleberry Fin."  That has me worried,
> espeically since it's bright pink...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You *really* don't want to know.
}                                    Yes he does! Why would he have
}                                    asked except if he wanted to know?
} No, listen to me. *I* know what's
} in there -- I mean, of *course* I
} do, I'm the Oracle, after all --
} and I know that, IF he knew what
} was in there, he wouldn't want me
} to tell him.
}                                    That's dumb. Of course he wouldn't,
}                                    since he'd already know, and it'd
}                                    be pointless for him to *ask*, now
}                                    *wouldn't it*?
} What if it was a trick question? I
} mean, maybe he knows, and just wants
} to know if I really know everything.
}                                    You know that's not true. If it
}                                    was a trick question, you'd know
}                                    because you know everything.
} No, I actually don't. Someone has
} to ask me something before I can
} know it.
}                                    Oh, that's right.
} Tell you what. Why don't you ask
} me, and then I'll know the answer.
}                                    All right: Is this whole thing
}                                    just a trick on the part of the
}                                    querant to see if the Oracle
}                                    does in fact know everything?
} Nope. He's mystified as toast.
} Thanks for asking. That clears up
} my duty so much.. I just have to
} tell him what's in "Sharkleberry
} Fin". But there's still the problem
} about him not wanting to know...
}                                    No there isn't. What do you think
}                                    we just cleared up?
} Um, WHY he wanted to know.
}                                    Why's that important? Just answer
}                                    the question. That's your JOB.
} What? You mean I get *paid*?
}                                    What *is* this, your first day
}                                    on the job? No, we *never* get
}                                    paid. We just get Lisa.
} C'mon, man, you *know* I'm always
} a bit groggy after iuvax reboots.
}                                    Oh, right. Did we do that again?
}                                    I can never tell.
} Well we did, so stop being so damn
} smug. I don't know why *you* never
} feel hung over afterwards.
}                                    Well, come *on* now, tell the
}                                    questioner what they put in that
}                                    "Sharkleberry Fin" Kool-aid.
} Oh, you tell him. I'm not in the
} mood. I always get stuck answering
} the questions, and you just sit
} around and give orders all day.
} Let's see you answer a question
} for a change!
}                                    Orrie, you *know* I'm not
}                                    programmed for that..
} damned daemons..
}                                    WHAT?!
} Oh, nothing.. all right, all
} right, I'll *answer* the damned
} question.. here:
}
} Sharkleberry Fin had its genesis at the eighty-second birthday party
} of Mr. Mort Klanston, the inventor of Kool-Aid. Mr. Klanston was
} celebrating his birthday in the West Indies with a few hundred friends
} and relatives when a tropical storm caused some gamey mangoes to roll
} across one of the picnic tables, and across some pork roast. Mort,
} not seeing the mangoes (he doesn't see too well any more) ate the
} pork chops, and marvelled at the tangy sauce. He took a bit to the
} lab and had his engineers duplicate the flavor as closely as possible
} for a new Kool-Aid flavor. Of course, he couldn't call it "Pork Flavor",
} thus the nonsense name.
}
} You owe the Oracle, both of me, a health food store.


288-04    (11265 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle oh wise, I'm stressing real hard!  Should I get a trip to Europe
> or a "nice" NeXT computer for graduation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My son, let us compare the two options systematically and the
} choice will become clear...
}
}                   NeXT                 Europe
}                   ----------------     ------------------------
} voltage             110V                  220V
} storage             CD-ROM                2 bags + carryon
} operating system    UNIX/Windows          socialism
} speed               10.5 hz               2 cappuchino/day
} standard languages  C/Pascal/Fortran      no standards
} expandability       unlimited             unlikely
} M.T.B.F.            24000 hours           24 hours
} displays            VGA+                  museums, nude beaches
} networking          LAN ready             EEC
} documentation       3 volume user guide   _Foder's_
} portability         with special case     not hardly
} expected date       1992                  1992
} of obsolescence


288-05    (66300 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ray Moody

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>       It's worked!  I've turned a chicken into a woman!  She makes weird
> squawking noises, but she's okay in bed.  I think the process is working
> well enough now that I can produce several dozen women from chickens
> every day.  Will there be enough demand around the local university's
> engineering campus for these chickens-turned-women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, since most engineers are basically chicken...


288-06    (11670 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do my shirttails never stay tucked in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Contrary to the impression given many members of the public like
} yourself, a shirt is *not* an inanimate object.  They are *not* woven
} from cotton, polyester, rayon or blends as you have been told.
}
} Shirts are living, feeling beings.  They capable of love and true
} affection-- witness the ``favorite shirt'' syndrome.  A ``favorite
} shirt'' loves its owner, and accomodates him, making that shirt-owner
} more comfortable, and that owner reciprocates by wearing it more often.
}
} These creatures are harvested twice yearly, from their breeding grounds
} in northern Wisconsin on the shores of scenic Lake Superior.  There they
} are captured in humane traps, lovingly folded, packaged and shipped to
} stores around the world, where people purchase them, believing them to
} be dead and tanned, like leather.
}
} But they are not dead.  Having learned the mistake of violently clubbing
} animals to death for the purposes of clothing from the furrier industry,
} shirts live for long times in association with their human hosts.  This
} is not widely know, since the shirt industry is well aware of the public
} revulsion that would result if people became aware that they were hosts
} to such a symbiot.
}
} This said, the reason your shirttails never stay tucked in is one of
} simple anatomy.  A shirt (all species) has its nostrils in the
} shirttail.  By tucking in your shirt, you are nearly suffocating the
} poor creature-- just *you* try going around trying to breathe through
} denim all day long.  Thus, the creature works to slowly extricate its
} nostrils from the confines of your pants, until they are finally free--
} or you cruelly shove them back in again.
}
} Therefore, in the interests of humane treatment of animals, the Oracle
} recommends that you *never* tuck in your shirt.  The Oracle doesn't.
}
} You owe the Oracle a breeding pair of flannel shirts.


288-07    (23631 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Okay, I've locked up the real Jennifer and assumed her identity.  Now,
> where's the guy I'm supposed to seduce?
>
> -Agent 497

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nononono NO!  Agent 497?  Are you sure you aren't really agent 86?  I
} mean, this is a screwup of monumental proportions!  Jennifer IS the guy
} you're supposed to seduce!
}
} Well, all may not be lost.  When you were tying him up, did Jennifer ask
} to see your official secret agent I.D.  card?  He did?  And did you show
} it to him?  And did you show him your secret decoder ring too?!
}
} Damn!  Rookie agents are always getting carried away and showing off.
} Well, when you threw Jennifer in the closet, did you rough him up a bit
} before hand?  You did?  Well, whaddaya know!  You did something right
} after all!  Jennifer really goes for whips and chains, so just mosey on
} back to the hall closet and get on with your job.  Pretend the whole
} secret agent business was an elaborate seductive settup -- make like
} Mata Hari, yeah.  And this time, don't club the maid unless you
} absolutely have too.  Our disability insurance premiums are high enough
} without your knocking supporting agents into the hospital left and
} right.
}
} Good luck, 497.  Don't fall down any elevator shafts (unless they're
} REAL deep.)
}
} O out.


288-08    (53601 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this Victor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [41]% sleep 'rand($timeofday)'
} You have new mail.
} iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [42]% cat /usr/mail/spool/oracle | oaf
}
} OAF --- ORACLE Asininity Filter
} (c) 1991 by The USENET Oracle, Inc.
}
} line 1 > Is this Victor?
}          ^^
} Error 1414: Inadequate specification of semantic relation
}       Copula used may indicate one of several unspecified
}       semantic relations --- including identity, membership,
}       ownership, and metaphorical equivalence.
}
} line 1 > Is this Victor?
}             ^^^^
} Error 2718: Inadequate specification of spatio-temporal referent
}       'Nuff said.
}
} line 1 > Is this Victor?
}                  ^^^^^^
} Error 3142: Inadequate specification of Not-Lisa-Proper-Noun
}       Only That-Name-From-Which-Even-The-Gods-Quake-In-Fear
}       (i.e., "Lisa") may be used in Oracular consultations
}       without further symbolic grounding or clarification.
}
} Reject!  Reject!  Reject!  Reject!  Reject!
} Inadequacy parameter exceeded!  Inadequacy parameter exceeded!
} Supplicant should be exhorted to get a life!
} Execute get.a.life.script
}
} iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [1]% mail ********* < generic.getalife.answer
} iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [2]% mail ********* < owes.better.question
} iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [3]% set $timeofday = 'date'
}
} iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [43]% sleep 'rand($timeofday)'


288-09    (25260 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should I tell my over-the-net pen pal that after having met her last
> month, I have gradually become more and more infatuated with her?
> She has this brilliant mind in this cute little body, and the thought
> that such intellect is in such adorable flesh drives me wild with
> desire for her.  But if I tell her about my infatuation, will she
> stop writing to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends on whether or not you tell her correctly.
} Observe, the "Highlights" version:
}
} Goofus says, "Hey, that's some mighty fine fleshiness you've
} got there, missy.  I'd sure like to take advantage of this
} here in-tee-lexual relationship we've got and touch you all
} over.  We could talk some, too."
}
} Gallant says, "I don't quite know how to tell you this, so
} I'll come right out and say it.  You're very attractive to
} me.  First your mind, as expressed through your mail, and
} now, having met you, I find the rest of you to be just as
} fascinating.  I have to admit, I've become quite besotted
} with you of late.  Do you think there's any chance that you
} and I could meet again and discuss this in person?  It
} seems just a bit too important for e-mail."
}
} Then again, you can keep this feeling to yourself and begin
} distorting everything she says into a come-on or a rejection,
} and continue building a relationship in your mind with a
} fantasy projection of her, which could just _possibly_ lead
} to intense disappointment when you find that you've built up
} an image that she can't possibly fit herself to, even if she
} wishes to do so.
}
} Not that this has ever happened to the Oracle, of course.
} Just theorizing.
}
} You owe the Oracle first dibs on her sister
} or brother, whichever you think the Oracle
} would prefer.


288-10    (21525 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vegetarians.


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