} I'm glad someone asked this question, because it enables me to
} announce the formation of the Always Exclusive Investigative Oracle
} Unit (AEIOU). AEIOU investigators have found extensive evidence of a
} nationwide spandex conspiracy, designed to make users believe that
} spandex was good-looking and worth the exorbitant costs the syndicate
} charged for spandex clothing.
} The spandex industry was originally a legitimate group of small
} businesses, usually run by elderly home knitters from Vermont and
} North Dakota, who supplied the small bicycle-clothing industry. Over
} the years, several bicycling outfitters came under the direct and
} indirect control of agents of KAOS, SPECTRE, and Donald TRUMP, all of
} whom saw the potential for billions of dollars in profits.
} AEIOU has found that KAOS, SPECTRE and TRUMP gained control of key
} bicycle equipment suppliers in the late 1970s. First, they convinced
} gullible world-class bicyclists that spandex shorts were preferable to
} the traditional wool shorts they were then using. The cyclists gave
} in because, they were given the spandex for free. Second, led by KAOS
} operatives, the syndicate encouraged noted fashion designers to
} incorporate spandex into bathing suits, dresses, shorts and even
} formal wear. Third, the syndicate placed subliminal advertisements
} for spandex clothing in fashion magazines and formally legitimate
} (although mindless) television programs such as Entertainment Tonight,
} Magnum p.i., and Hill Street Blues. A typical message was "be
} thin--wear spandex."
} Finally, the syndicate gained control of aerobics enterprises from
} coast to coast. Videos starring exercise gurus Richard Simmons and Jane
} Fonda, Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, and even celebrities such as
} Sandy Duncan were produced, all with the ultimate intent of promoting
} not good fitness, but spandex clothes.
} The insidiuousness of the plan lay in the simple fact that most
} people look hideous in spandex. Notable exceptions are bicycle
} racers, models, and Lisa (all of whom could look great in anything).
} Because the average consumers needed to be in excellent shape to look
} good in spandex, they were forced to buy some of the syndicate's
} products (exercise videos) in order to buy the ultimate product
} The AEIOU team is appalled at the lack of governmental action
} regarding the cruel hoaxes perpetrated on the American public. Since
} the govenrment has played into the hands of the syndicate, we might be
} forced to take matters into our own hands. In sum, we urge you to
} forget the allure of spandex, and to wear something more comfortable.
} You owe the Oracle an appointment with the 60 Minutes crew.