[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:50:54 GMT

Internet Oracularities #289

Goto:
289, 289-01, 289-02, 289-03, 289-04, 289-05, 289-06, 289-07, 289-08, 289-09, 289-10


Usenet Oracularities #289    (16 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 10 Apr 91 11:31:48 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

289   16 votes 31930 0a510 17530 12751 05650 26530 18520 36700 00934 13930
289   2.8 mean  2.8   2.4   2.6   3.2   3.0   2.6   2.5   2.2   3.7   2.9


289-01    (31930 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people procrastinate???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me get back to you on that one...


289-02    (0a510 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I wish my figure were good enough for me to wear Spandex clothes and
> look sexy in them.  But I'm real overweight, and I'm too lazy to
> exercise.  Should I just forget my dreams of a lean, Spandex-clad body,
> or should I make it one of my top priorities in my life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    I'm glad someone asked this question, because it enables me to
} announce the formation of the Always Exclusive Investigative Oracle
} Unit (AEIOU).  AEIOU investigators have found extensive evidence of a
} nationwide spandex conspiracy, designed to make users believe that
} spandex was good-looking and worth the exorbitant costs the syndicate
} charged for spandex clothing.
}
}    The spandex industry was originally a legitimate group of small
} businesses, usually run by elderly home knitters from Vermont and
} North Dakota, who supplied the small bicycle-clothing industry. Over
} the years, several bicycling outfitters came under the direct and
} indirect control of agents of KAOS, SPECTRE, and Donald TRUMP, all of
} whom saw the potential for billions of dollars in profits.
}
}    AEIOU has found that KAOS, SPECTRE and TRUMP gained control of key
} bicycle equipment suppliers in the late 1970s.  First, they convinced
} gullible world-class bicyclists that spandex shorts were preferable to
} the traditional wool shorts they were then using.  The cyclists gave
} in because, they were given the spandex for free.  Second, led by KAOS
} operatives, the syndicate encouraged noted fashion designers to
} incorporate spandex into bathing suits, dresses, shorts and even
} formal wear.  Third, the syndicate placed subliminal advertisements
} for spandex clothing in fashion magazines and formally legitimate
} (although mindless) television programs such as Entertainment Tonight,
} Magnum p.i., and Hill Street Blues.  A typical message was "be
} thin--wear spandex."
}
}    Finally, the syndicate gained control of aerobics enterprises from
} coast to coast.  Videos starring exercise gurus Richard Simmons and Jane
} Fonda, Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, and even celebrities such as
} Sandy Duncan were produced, all with the ultimate intent of promoting
} not good fitness, but spandex clothes.
}
}    The insidiuousness of the plan lay in the simple fact that most
} people look hideous in spandex.  Notable exceptions are bicycle
} racers, models, and Lisa (all of whom could look great in anything).
} Because the average consumers needed to be in excellent shape to look
} good in spandex, they were forced to buy some of the syndicate's
} products (exercise videos) in order to buy the ultimate product
} (spandex).
}
}    The AEIOU team is appalled at the lack of governmental action
} regarding the cruel hoaxes perpetrated on the American public.  Since
} the govenrment has played into the hands of the syndicate, we might be
} forced to take matters into our own hands.  In sum, we urge you to
} forget the allure of spandex, and to wear something more comfortable.
}
}    You owe the Oracle an appointment with the 60 Minutes crew.


289-03    (17530 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what grades will I get this semester ????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Great and All-Knowing Oracle does, of course, know the answer to
} your query.  The danger of answering this type of question, however,
} precludes a direct response (eg, the one you are probably looking for).
} Reference historical factual texts:  The Hobbit (Tolkien):  a similar
} question was raised by Bilbo Baggins, addressed to Gollum:  "What have I
} got in my pocket?" Because it was not a fully loaded Colt 45, I will not
} bore you with further recital of the outcome (Look it up)
}
} The short answer is of course, expressible in terms of the Formulae
} Educatum, an equation used by the finest institutions of learning
} throughout the world:
}
}                    > g = (h * s) + (t - o) / k
} where:
}       g (grade achieved) =
}
}       h (what you hope to get based on your goals for GPA)
}       s (absolute value of the difference in sexual attractivness
}               between yourself and your professor)
}       t (time available to study for exams)
}       o (Time wasted asking the Oracle questions like this one)
}       k (a mysterious constant from your Board of Trustees)
}
} (multiply by 1.05 - sales tax - when you are within the boundaries of
}  the Commonwealth of Massachusetts -- a haven for expensive education)
}
} You owe the Oracle a good night's sleep


289-04    (12751 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle,
>       The flowers-by-wire people FTD had the slogans "Say It with
> Flowers" and "Flowers Say It For You."  Why should I want to say, "It"
> to people, and if it did, how could flowers say the word "it" to people
> if they have no vocal cords?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "It", of course, is a euphemism.  It means bonking. Poking. Porking.
} The act of sexual congress.  The evidence from this is all round:
}
} Music: Do "It" to me one more time.   Was called "Bonk Me Senseless
}       One More Time". Name chaned on the advice of sensors.
} Films: "It" came from outer space.  Was originally called "Space
}       Bimbos from the Planet Orgasm".  Name changed and serious
}       editing done on the advice of censors.
} Male Rivalry: A: Went out with xxx last night.
}             B: Didja do "It"?  Huh! huh! Wink! Wink!
} Female Bitchiness: You know xxx, she does "It"!  With anyone!
}
} What the FTD people mean is that flowers is a great way of saying
} "Have Sex With Me".  If you don't quite know why you want to say that,
} there is really not very much the Oracle can do for you and a career
} in the catholic priesthood beckons.
}
} As to the vocal chords, well, it is supposed to be a symbol at this
} point.  FTD have a team of top scientists quietly working in the back
} room to correct the lack.  Expect roses with embedded voice synth
} chips early next year, and genetically engineered jonquils about the
} turn of the century.  Once those products are released, flowers really
} WILL say "It", and any other messages you can get past the censor.
}
} You owe the Oracle enough red roses to keep Lisa interested tonight.
} At one rose per, four dozen should just about do it.


289-05    (05650 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't I get work done on weekends ....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because of all the cheese in the atmosphere.
}
} Recent studies [HAW90, PEN91] has shown that cheese is composed not of
} the usual sub-atomic particles -- bosons, hadron, and so on -- but
} instead is made entirely of particles from a newly discovered family,
} created only during the fermentation of dairy products.  These
} particles, logically enough, are called cheesons.  Their anti-
} particles, the family of threeons, turn out to be the fundamental unit
} of the number three.
}
} It has been observed since the early part of the century that eating
} too much cheese has a lethargic effect, impeding the ability to do
} useful work [JOH12].  Even the very rarefied quantity of cheese in the
} atmosphere produced by unavoidable meta-evaporation [KER78] has a
} measurable effect.
}
} At weekends, the residual atmospheric cheese level is raised
} considerably, due to the higher level of cheese consumption in the
} general populace: the extra kinetic energy provided by the teeth
} biting into the cheese raises the total internal energy of any given
} lump of cheese, possibly past the evaporation thresh-hold.
}
} And that's all there is to it.  At weekends, there's more cheese, so
} you work less well.  What you need is an atmosphere de-cheeser,
} available from all good chemists.
}
} You owe the Oracle (A) a pound of bog-standard Irish Cheddar (for
} cooking with), or, (B) four ounces of a really good Roquefort.
}
} References
} ==========
}
} [HAW90]  "Cheese Theory: The Cosmic Plan" -- Steven Hawking, 1990.
}
} [JOH12]  "Eating Too Much Cheese Has a Lethargic Effect, Impeding the
}               Ability to Do Useful Work" -- Harold Johnson, 1912.
}
} [KER78]  "The Impact of Software Tools on Programmer Productivity, and
}               A Couple of Other Notes Concerning How Cheese Can
}               Evaporate When It Isn't Even a Liquid" -- Brian W.
}               Kernighan, Dennis M. Ritchie and the Late Charles
}               Babbage.
}
} [PEN91]  "It Really Is True About The Cheese, and I Should Know:
}               Empirical Studies Involving Stilton, Triple-Cream Brie
}               and That Oak-Smoked Cheddar You Can Get From ASDA For
}               Only 99p per Pound" -- Roger Penrose, 1991.


289-06    (26530 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, I beseech that you impart to me a tiny particle of
> your overarching wisdom, and answer for me a question that has burned in
> my mind lo, these many days:  what is the topological index of the
> unmodified human body, assuming that the eardrums are intact and not
> counting the eye sockets as passages?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 147.320000, plus or minus 0.006739.  Give or take a dozen.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new abacus.  Mine just imploded.


289-07    (18520 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would happen if I ate Chocolate filled twinkies and drank with them
> a cool Budweiser Light beer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lets find out:
}
} % eat -chocolate twinkie | drink -cool -budweiser -light beer | more
} eat: command not found
} drink: command not found
} % whereis eat
} eat: /usr/local/obscure/eat
} % set path = ($path /usr/local/obscure)
} % Broadcast Message from god@pearly.gates.com on tty co...
}
} Oracle, just what do you think you're doing?
}
} well, just replying, you know, with another one of those cute "Unix
} sessions" that the readers love so much.
}
} Well, cut it out, that crap's getting stale, and everybody's sick of it.
} You had better make this one REAL funny, or else.
}
} Uhhhh, ok, sure, gotcha.
}
} EOF
} %
} %exit
} logout
}
} Connection closed by foreign host.
}
} OK, sorry about that, but to get right to the point, the ratio of
} enjoyment will be directly proportional to the ammount of beer
} present, and your tolerance for alcohol.  Regardless of these factors,
} the average outcome will be enjoyable.
}
} You owe the oracle a beer.


289-08    (36700 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Everything goes faster and faster, and I go slower and slower; it is
> becoming painful even to move; what is happening to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       To answer this question, let me consultate my exclusive doctor,
} Dr. Chun Ga...
}
} oracle> write chunga@chunga-labs.guiri-guiri.edu
}       Hey, I have this question for a human. What happens if you feel
} you're moving slower that anything else?
} ^D
}
} ^G^G^GMessage from chunga@chunga-labs.guiri-guiri.edu:
}       Has he already gone to bathroom? What did she eat last night?
} Maybe she's pregnant, or maybe a stupidity virus invading his brain...
}
} oracle> write chunga@chunga-labs.guiri-guiri.edu:
}       C'mon, doc, this is serious. Please give a more concise answer...
} ^D
}
} ^G^G^GMessage from chunga@chunga-labs.guiri-guiri.edu:
}       All right, let me check what do I have in my files. I'll send you
} mail later...
}
} (2.57 hours before...)
} mail
}
} 1 chunga@chunga-labs Today "Probable answers and suggested solutions"
} & 1
}       What that human may have is an strange disease called
} 'plumbuminitis', which affects people that spend a lot of time in front
} of a green terminal, trying to access remote mailing lists.  Due to slow
} response time, this affects the nervous system of the user, who starts
} thinking of himself as a daemon.  (This has nothing to see with
} 'dungeonitis', who is an user who thinks daemons are malicious, so he
} tries to destroy them all.) This illusion makes the user see everything
} else 'running faster'.
}
}       This strange disease is mortal in 87% of the cases I've known.
} Those who survive hasn't yet recovered their full speed.  They have got
} jobs in bureocrats offices, ticket sales and Dan Quayle's assesors.
} & q
}
}       You owe the Oracle a 1991 Ferrari Testarossa.


289-09    (00934 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the highest prime number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the older rescorded mathematical proofs shows that there is no
} such thing.  Obviously you know that.
}
} Now look.  Do you seriously expect the Oracle to come up with an
} interesting, witty, amusing, preferably erotic answer to that question?
} Of course not.  Then why the hell did you submit it?  Look, you want
} something funny that will get into the Oracularities collections, you
} have to write a decent question that allows all sorts of sexual
} innuendos or other fun things.  I mean, the Oracle can _try_ to make
} something interesting, but it's like mud-bricks without straw:
}
} Vanessa: Oh, Mike [licks her lips sensuously], let's find the highest
} prime number together!
} Mike: Let's not bother.
} Vanessa: I'll give you an evening in bed you'll never forget...
} Mike: But Vanessa, there _isn't_ any such thing?
} Vanessa: There isn't? [Pouts deliciously.]
} Mike: Nope.  See, I'll prove it to you...
} [scene dissolves to some minutes later]
} Vanessa:  Okay, so there isn't.  My, aren't you clever!
} Mike: Yeah.  Will you still give me that evening in bed I'll never
} forget?
} Vanessa: Sure!
} [scene dissolves to Mike in bed, clutching a teddy bear so large that it
} makes him look small, a cup of hot cocoa on the nightstand, and Vanessa,
} in an old-lady nightgown, gray wig, and wrinkly makeup, reading to him
} from a storybook.]
} Vanessa [old-lady voice, which she does pretty well]: So Goldilocks ran
} and ran, out of the bears' house, out of the little clearing, down the
} forest trails, and all the way home.  And she never went into the forest
} alone ever again!
} Mike: This isn't quite what I had in mind...
} Vanessa [sweet smile]:  But I'm sure you'll never forget it.  Time for
} beddy bye!  [She tucks him in, puts out the light, and leaves.  Mike
} sighs in a resigned fashion.]
}
} Now that was pretty awful, wasn't it?  And it's taken quite a lot of
} time.  See what the Oracle means by a bad set-up question?
}
} You owe the Oracle something smutty.


289-10    (13930 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would I really understand my girlfriend better if we could be each other
> for a day?  She keeps talking about doing it even though it's clearly
> impossible, and I may have to dump her because she must be a bit crazy,
> no?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, yes.  You can and should be each other for a day, and you would
} understand her better.  You know, people do this sort of thing all the
} time, and the Oracle doesn't understand where you have gotten the idea
} that it's impossible.  Why, here are just a few examples of how such
} temporary selves-in-other-people's-bodies swaps are put to good use:
}
} 1.  Ronald Reagan.  Most of his speeches were delivered with somebody
} else in his body.  Nancy did a few of them, but the best person for
} wearing Ronnie was Peggy Noonan, Reagan's top speechwriter.  Hence the
} constant feud between Peggy and Nancy; also Peggy wouldn't have sex with
} Nancy when she was wearng Ronnie.  On a few critical occasions Peggy
} wore Nancy instead, and made a better Nancy than the real one, which
} made Nancy furious, too.
}
} 2.  George Bush.  Yes, it was Barbara Bush inside the Commander-in-Chief
} during the Gulf War.  Much more levelheaded.  Note how clever she was at
} sounding quavery and George-ish.  Truly one of the great actresses of
} our time.
}
} 3.  Michael Jackson.  Yes, in order to keep up that effeminate act when
} he started acting masculine, Michael has let his dear sister step in.
} Notice how butch she looks on the "Rhythm Nation" video.  That's Michael
} inside her.
}
} 4.  Milli Vanilli.  No, it wasn't lip-synching.  They didn't want to
} publicise the fact that they were using body-swapping, but the people
} who sang for Rob and Fab actually used their vocal apparatus and wore
} their bodies.  Of course, when it came to making public appearances, the
} singers were too shy to do them and they swapped back.
}
} You owe the Oracle extreme gullibility necessary to believe the
} foregoing.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org