[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:48:41 GMT

Internet Oracularities #29

Goto:
29, 29-01, 29-02, 29-03, 29-04, 29-05, 29-06, 29-07, 29-08, 29-09, 29-10


Usenet Oracularities #29
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 24 Oct 89 23:13:59 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to:
       oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu


29-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great One!  Please enlighten me as to why some Communist spies are
> infiltrating the net, intercepting your wise replies, and then hacking
> them up and inserting their own gibberish?  Why are these fascists
> trying to make it look like people other than The Great Oracle are
> responding to my dire questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nyet!  Not the communist spies infiltrate the nyetvork!  They vill never
} interfere vith the great and noble bourgeoise purpose of the oracle!


29-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do I dread building kernels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's quite difficult to build a kestrel, actually, and I don't blame you
} for dreading it.  First, you have to get all those feathers on (the
} first time i did it, I got them on backwards -- bad news, boy!).  Then
} you have to attack the wings right.  The kits I usually use don't have
} quite enough wing-glue.  Then the feet.  Those feet are murder.  You
} have to hook up the nerves first, and the kestrel grabs your finger in
} its sharp talons and SQUEEZES if you're not careful.  Damn dangerous.
} Then the head.  Gotta screw the head so it faces the right way.  As soon
} as the spine is engaged, it screams and goes for your eyeballs.  Those
} birds are FAST, too.
}
} I don't blame you at all for dreading building kestrels.


29-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone once said that God is a comedian playing to an audience afraid
> to laugh.  Would you please do upwards of 1000 iterations on this
> statement and respond as to your assessed validity of it?  Thanks!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The result of 1000 upward iterations is:
}
}    "we sink to become indistinguishable from the
}     general excrement"
}
} Alas, this was also said by someone. Its validity
} its apparent, at least to this Oracle.
}
} You owe me a gallon of perfume.


29-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can a knowledge of demographics and lifestyles aid Black & Decker in
> marketing appliances?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should be taking business classes to answer questions like these!
} Or are you cheating on your homework!?  Since I'm a nice guy, I will
} answer your question anyway.
}
} The more sexually deviant an area is, the more attachments Black &
} Decker will need to sell hand drills in that area.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Wet 'n' Dry Vac (with attachments).


29-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many will there be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How many will there be?  Hmmmmm...  There is no answer, so I will answer
} your question for various inserted variables:
} 1.) Elephants: 3
} 2.) Replies to your question: 1
} 3.) Non-greenery presidents in this decade: 0
} 4.) Answers to your question:  See #10.
} 5.) See #8
} 6.) Licks to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll Pop:  3
} 7.) Pounds in a ton: 2000
} 8.) 6.
} 9.) Legs on the Average horse: 4
} 10.) See #5.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Cray X-MP.


29-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         What is the correct protocol for answering a question in a
> business class if you don't have the slightest clue?  In engineering, it
> is permissible and even desirable to admit ignorance since mistakes may
> cost lives.  However, in business, "it's not your money", so the key
> thing to do is to look as if you are omniscient, regardless of the
> truth.  How can this be pulled off success- fully by an honest man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The correct protocol is to refer the question to your imaginary
} associate, Dithers, who is in Europe at the time at a business meeting
} with BMW regarding financing arrangements for a loan you are arranging.
} Therefore, please direct all questions to Dithers' office.  Next
} question?  You owe the Oracle one BMW M3, midnight black, please.


29-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the least known inventor in all of history, and what did he
> invent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer eludes at the moment, but I think he invented the genitals
} that are placed on mannequins.


29-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [xxx.xx.edu]
} Login name: xxxxxxx                   In real life: God the Almighty
} Office: everywhere
} Directory: /u/xxxxxxx                 Shell: /usr/gnu/bash
} Member of groups root, wheel, kmem, god, jesus, jehovah
} Last login Thu Jan  1 00:00 on ttyh1
} Project: To correctly calculate pi (or redefine it)
} No unread mail on this host.
} Plan:
}
}                       ___====-_  _-====___
}                 _--~~~#####//      \\#####~~~--_
}              _-~##########// (    ) \\##########~-_
}             -############//  :\^^/:  \\############-
}           _~############//   (@::@)   \\############~_
}          ~#############((     \\//     ))#############~
}         -###############\\    (oo)    //###############-
}        -#################\\  / "" \  //#################-
}       -###################\\/      \//###################-
}      _#/:##########/\######(   /\   )######/\##########:\#_
}      :/ :#/\#/\#/\/  \#/\##\  :  :  /##/\#/  \/\#/\#/\#: \:
}      "  :/  V  V  "   V  \#\: :  : :/#/  V   "  V  V  \:  "
}         "   "  "      "   / : :  : : \   "      "  "   "
}                          (  : :  : :  )
}                         __\ : :  : : /__
}                        (vvv(VVV)(VVV)vvv)
}
}
}               ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO FUCK WITH ME???


29-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is she coming tonite?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Twelve times (she'll lose count at three).  Diane will come about
} fifteen.  She won't lose count.  She's a compulisve counter.


29-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> as big as the great oak tree trunk between thy mighty thighs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ... i am not now climbing trees ...


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org