Goto:

290, 290-01, 290-02, 290-03, 290-04, 290-05, 290-06, 290-07, 290-08, 290-09, 290-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Using advanced hyperspatial techniques I have found ways to build entire > cities and industrial complexes inside my girlfriend's sinuses.  Should > we open them up for colonization and industrial development?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Until June 16th of this year, the colonization and development of } sinuses is still legal.  At that time, however, the Sinus Conservation } Act has stipulated that for every sinus that is populated and developed, } sinuses of equal size or larger must be cleared.  However, should the } development be undertaken by a non-profit organization or federal } agency, a waiver may be granted.  A commision has been set up by the } federal government to investigate all development of sinuses in the } western hemisphere, and is loosely referred to as the "Drixoral } Commission". } } Other legal aspects involve the permission of the landowner (in this } case, your girlfriend) to develope the land, or the sale of said } property to the developer.  It is not uncommon for developers of } hyperspatial sinuses to agree to leases with terms ranging from 10 to 50 } years in length. } } The recent development of hyperspatial technology has also led to the } creation of an entirely new market for insurance, which encompasses } coverage in case of bacterial infection or high altitude. } } Before developing your girlfriend's sinuses, you must take into account } all of these factors, and perhaps more.  The only other help that can be } offered is that after conducting a survey of 3,000 Americans, it was } determined that 89% would not consent to allowing the development of } their sinuses, while interestingly enough, more men would than women.... } } The Great Oracle of the Southwest has spoken!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and gnarly Oracle, who mighty vowels move with the > tectonic force of the consonants... > > Why I before E?  And why the exception after C?  And what's the deal > with Y being a vowel/consonant switch hitter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I before E?  What a weird rule that is!  How ancient!  Not very } scientific. } } Y suffers from transvestism, the poor thing.  Don't be too hard on Y. } } You owe it to the Oracle to get Sesame Street to present the seamier } side of the alphabet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is "LaTeX" pronounced?  I always say "lay-tech" by analogy with > latex paint, but lots of people say "lahh-tech" or "lat-tech" because of > Leslie Lamport who at least wrote the book on LaTeX.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The information that follows was to have been in the introduction } to L. Lamport's book, but was omitted due to an oversight by the } publisher.  The Oracle, being all knowing and all seeing, saw the } original draft of the book, and knew the information anyway. } } LaTeX was designed by programmer Larry T. Emex while waiting in the } Los Angeles International Airport for a flight that was delayed. } Thus the name derives from the FAA abbreviation for the airport, } LAX.  Since Mr. Emex was waiting in the airport terminal, he called } his project a Terminal Editor.  The flight was delayed for 10 hours, } so Emex used the Roman numeral X to designate the time it took to } write the code.  Thus, LaTeX stands for Los Angeles Terminal } Editor written in Ten Hours.  The correct pronunciation is, } therefore, "crud". } } You owe the oracle a CPM version of WordStar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that the nations with the least attractive political systems > have the most appetizing cuisines?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the wealthy snobs in charge of the government must spend their } money somehow.  Japan, for example has good food and no army.  The } Soviet Union has mega-troops, and Russian food sucks.  France on the } other hand, has found the right combination, not too many troops, and } awesome food. } } You owe the Oracle the newest version of the Betty Crocker cook-book.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail to thee, Oracle, source of Knowledge and Wisdom above all. > > May I intrude upon your rapt contemplation of your navel (or whatever) > to ask you the following question in all humbleness and sincerity: > > Who is the Ohm character, and how come he has a Law named for him > and You don't?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is one of the more absurd conceits of western science that } scientists, after having laboriously devise an equation which provides a } halfway decent approximation to some physical phenomenon, triumphantly } describe as *their* law, as if they imposed it or something.  Can Newton } change his law?  No.  Can Planck doubel his constant?  No.  Phooey. } } Dr. Ohm is one of the less objectionable of these characters, because } his name is particularly useful, especially when one is contemplating } one's navel (though, of course, having sprung spontaneously from the } forehead of Edsgar Dijkstra, the Oracle has no navel).  He is also } notable for his younger brother, Mho, who shares world fame with his } colleagues Lharry and Khurly. } } You owe the Oracle a navel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know the pond in Central Park South?  The one with the ducks?  Well, > what happens when the pond freezes over in winter?  What happens to > the ducks?  I mean, does someone come and take them away or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, precisely.  The Central Park ducks are provided and maintained by } Ornithol Inc., and fully-owned subsidiary of the MacDonald-Douglas } Corporation, on a $45 million contract from the New York City Parks } Department.  About six years ago, city parks inspectors noticed that the } ducks in Central Park were looking rather ratty, and decided that it was } necessary to develop a hardier, more durable duck, to improve the image } of the city.  The contract was awarded to Ornithol after fierce } competitive bidding and it really was just a coincidence that the Parks } Commissioner's brother is CEO really we promise.  The new $253,000 } CitiDuck (tm) was unveilled last spring at a gala ceremony, marred only } by the caterer's gaffe in serving duck's liver pate' in the canapes. } Under the current contract, Ornithol supplies the city with 250 fully } operational CitiDucks, and provides storage facilities during the colder } months.  The company is currently working on a new, $34 million research } contract to develop the S45 "Divebomber" Assault Pigeon. } } You owe the Oracle a better mousetrap.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Expires Tue Aug 13 13:56:42 1991

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Saccharine organ music swells as masses of flowers of every description } appear surrounding an open coffin.  The Oracle, wearing a serious } expression and an ill-fitting, dark suit, walks slowly to the dais.  The } pews are almost empty.  Four overweight women in identical cheap black } dresses sit in a pew on the aisle, halfway back.  Lisa sits in the front } row, displaying slightly more cleavage than decorum might dictate.  She } is quietly pretending to cry.] } } Oracle:  Dear friends.  Dear, dear friends.  We gather together here } today to honor the memory of our recently departed and much lamented... } [waves left hand in circular motion] } } [As if on cue, the four black-clad women burst into tears, sobbing in a } perfect minor chord.] } } Oracle:  ...friend and frequent petitioner at the altar of the Oracle. } Knowing him as only an omniscient being can, it was only natural that I } should deliver the eulogy.  When our slightly putrescent friend expired } Tue Aug 13 13:56:42 1991, the result of a binge lunch of anchovies and } strawberry ice cream, he left behind many who shall miss him.  There } was...  er...  um...  well, perhaps not that many.  But he will be } missed!!  Who can provide the Oracle with utterly mindless, pointless, } idiotic questions-and- I-use-that-term-loosely with his unique } combination of studied inanity and determined banality?  Yes, dear } friends... } } [The chorus of weeping abruptly ends.] } } Overweight Mourner #1:  Sorry, dearie, your time's up.  We have to get } over to Brinkley's for a big funeral at 2:30. } } [The four mourners troupe out.  Lisa is fixing her make-up impatiently. } The organ music ends with a sputter of static.  Two men in white } overalls enter, close the coffin, and carry it out through a door marked } "Parts Department".  The Oracle shrugs, and leaves with Lisa on his arm, } telling her dirty jokes.  She laughs becomingly.] } } You owe the Oracle a nice bequest in your will.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Vanna White really Janis Joplin in drag?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O, would that she were...we could strip off the cute-but-stupid Vanna } face and reveal Janis again...a great improvement.  Actually Vanna } White is the soul of Elvis Presley put into a female's body, but } Elvis' memories have been wiped clean, so it doesn't really matter. } Oh, and the original soul of Barbara Walters has been in every female } regular on the Today show since she left NBC; the current Ms. Walters } is animated by the soul of the late Chet Huntley. } } Oh, and the Oracle used to be Claudette Colbert.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of the wise oracle, please explain to me, > > Why is it that evertime a female describes her relationship > with me, the word 'plutonic' is always used?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They mean that, like Pu-225, your relationship had a half-life } of 26 minutes. } } You owe the Oracle a cyclotomic accelerator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oD uoyt dnatsrednu siht?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last, at last!  Great Ll'otech has arrived!  O Great Ll'otech, } the priests said that you would announce your arrival with the } thunderous pronouncement "oD uoyt dnatsrednu siht?" and you have! } Let the feasting begin!  Light the bonfires!  Dance pagan ritiuals } around the sacraficed animals!  Work yourself into a lather-- }       Hey!  Wait a sec!  That's just "Do tyou understand this?" } with each word spelled backwards.  Damn.  I guess Ll'otech hasn't } come.  Put out the bonfires.  Stop the dancing.  And, hey!  Don't } feast anymore! }       Yes, O Supplicant Who Asked a Weenie Question, tI } tunderstand tthat.  tNow tgo taway. } } You owe the Oracle a plush Ll'otech doll.  The one where he's } dressed like a yuppie.