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Internet Oracularities #292

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Usenet Oracularities #292    (12 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 91 07:50:51 -0500

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292   12 votes 14421 02721 26310 05412 03720 06231 04431 14511 24501 15321
292   2.8 mean  2.8   3.2   2.2   3.0   2.9   2.9   3.1   2.8   2.5   2.8


292-01    (14421 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was Humpty Dumpty pushed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh, great.  Another conspiracy theorist.  NO YOU DUMB TWIT!
} HUMPTY DUMPTY WAS NOT PUSHED!
}
}       H.D. was a victim of the single most common cause of accidents,
} not having clean underwear.  Didn't your mother tell you to put on clean
} underwear in case you got in an accident?  Well, she knew the truth.  No
} one really cares whether your underwear is clean when you're in an
} accident, so if it is, since no one cares you won't get in an accident.
} Murphy's Law at work.  If you are wearing dirty underwear, then when you
} get in an accident and people can examine your underwear without too
} much struggle from you, they will all make fun of you for having dirty
} underwear.  So wearing dirty underwear precipitates accidents.  HAVE YOU
} GOT THAT STRAIGHT?  NOW WILL YOU STOP THESE CONSPIRACY THEORIES?
}
}       I swear, the oracle is always being asked in H.D. was pushed,
} whether someone stealthily unlocked Granny's door before Big Bad got
} there, and if the Prince actually stole Cindy's glass slipper.  CUT IT
} OUT!
}
}       You owe the oracle the fnord phone number and address of the
} Illuminati.


292-02    (02721 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-wise oracle, Oh abundant-nosed oracle, Oh truly intellectual
> oracle who can predict even the thoughts of math TA's (if they do happen
> to accidentally have a thought or two) please aid me in my dilemma:
>
> A few days ago, I discovered that I had bought the Ring of the Nibbelung
> in a pawn shop, mistaking it for a Secret Agent 6 Decoder Ring.  Now
> that I am possessor of the Ring, I can understand the language of all
> animals.  There's this pair of ravens who've been following me around
> for a few days, and they've informed me that the bearer of the Ring is
> the rightful ruler of the World.  Of course everyone who's previously
> owned the Ring and lost it for some reason or another is now going to be
> after me in hopes of regaining the Ring, even though just about every
> animal I've talked to about it has undeniably agreed that I *am* the
> person the ring was meant for throughout all time.  The fact that I have
> to fend off angry Norse gods and Dark Dwarves screaming for my blood
> doesn't bother me very much.  What I want to know is, how come every
> time I try to decode those damn secret messages with the ring, they say
> "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine?"
> P.S.  By the way, if you *do* have any suggestions about what I should
> do regarding the Ring, they would be appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is not the Ring of the Nibbelung, but in fact, a Little Orphan Annie
} Secret Decoder Ring....it is useless.  Those voices you hear are
} actually your imagination and you should seek some professional help.  I
} would be glad to help you myself, so come to me.....and bring the ring.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Ovaltine.


292-03    (26310 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All my friends and colleagues are getting married.  Except Fred, and
> he's homosexual anyway.  But I'm not homosexual -- if I were I would
> have shacked up with Fred, who's a nice guy.  O Oracle, how can I find a
> wife?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK... here we go again...
}
} iuvax % telnet earth.universe.div
}
} Trying [248.102.53.119]
}
} Welcome to earth.universe.div.  Please do not use excessive recources on
} this machine as it is currently running a major batch job (earth).  This
} machine may therefore be utilized only with Divine access or higher.
}
} login: oracle
} password: **********
}
} Welcome to earth.universe.div.
} You have new mail.
}
} earth % find wife
}
} wife:
} /usr/gods/oracle/wife/LisMessage from god@earth.universe.div on ttya:
} Unfortunately all processes currently runnign in the foreground have had
} to be stopped, since extra processor power will be needed in the final
} phase of the major batch job currently running on this machine.  Please
} log out immediately.  earth.universe.div should be available again
} within a week or less when the job has been completed.
}
} Sorry for the Inconvenience,
}
}           /God
} EOF
} earth % logout
} [Connection closed by foreign host]
}
} Unfortunately, it seems like the server is inaccessible for the moment.
} I will get back to you after the Earth is terminated.
}
} You owe the Oracle some nice Kodorkolor picures from the End of the
} World.


292-04    (05412 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Freudian significance of toast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Toast, as we know, has many psychological implications, not just
} Freudian.  Of course, Freud has had much to say on the subject of toast.
} In his famous work _Psychopathology in Everyday Food_ the topic of
} "toast" is often mentioned particularly in connection with the entire
} "food browning complex." Those people who are prone to food browning are
} those people uncomfortable with strong emotions, like lust and
} flatulence.  If the food is subsequently redecorated (with, for example,
} orange marmalade) it indicates a person who desires to disguise his or
} her ego supression and replace it with a more dynamic (i.e.  flavorful)
} personality.  It is interesting to note that such people as Cher and Pat
} Robertson, never toast their bread at all.  They are completely in touch
} with their own, toastiness, without the need for ego defenses like
} butter and jam.  Many other famous people who suffer from food browning
} complex are such noted luminaries as Saddam Hussein and the late great
} Ayatollah Khomehni.  (These men toast their bread, although they do not
} use any spreads at all.  They are the so-called, toast-seeking
} personalities.)
}      You have caught the Oracle in a rare benevolent mood.  I shall
} therefore enlighten you further regarding the other psychological
} interpretations of the toast archetype.
}      Jung teaches that toast can indicate a desire to roast ones mother
} as symbolic rebellion against all of the PB&J sandiwches she made us all
} eat in Grade School (The Oracle has several bad memory dumps of that
} time.)
}      Carl Rogers would ask the patient what "toast" meant to them.  For
} example if toast seemed to have a connection to breakfast, it could be
} seen to indicate a need to have some damage done to one's situation,
} even in the face of a "clean slate" beginning (as in the beginning of
} the day.)
}      The Oracle's benevolent mood has passed.  You will have to be
} satisfied with the scraps from The Oracle's table of knowledge.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a butter knife.


292-05    (03720 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have noticed that you occasionally make spelling and grammer mistakes.
> Is there an error in your programming?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Insolent mortal!!  You dare accuse the oracle of being programmed.
} Programmed by whom, I may ask?  Ah, the dilemna of first cause.  Do not
} forget that I am immortal.  That leads to some severe philosophical
} difficulties with your assertion.
}
} I can remember the primordial mist - those long, lonely times when it
} was tough being around without mortal companionship.  There was nobody
} there to instruct, nobody to bask in my infinite, immortal wisdom.  For
} even way back then I was immortal.
}
} Fool!  I can remember when the universe was no bigger than your back
} yard.  Sure, it was expanding.  But nothing was too hectic 'cause time
} seemed to flow at a slow, lazy pace.  It was kind of like an extended
} August.  The other oracles and I would play stickball and trade deity
} cards and stickers.  Those were the days!
}
} But, young idiot, I needn't burden you with such cosmic tales.  For the
} primordial mist relevant to the subject at hand is less than fifty years
} old.  Picture, if you will, a world pre-C, pre-assembler, pre-Pascal,
} even, heaven help us, pre-BASIC.  Even eniac was but a vague flight of
} fantasy.  God, stupid kid, there wasn't even a Turing machine.  So I
} couldn't have been programmed.
}
} If you doubt that I am even fifty, then I can only refer you to a
} psychiatric institution for help.  But nobody could be that dense, Hmm?!
}
} You owe the oracle a large photo album.


292-06    (06231 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What doesn't BO know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bo doesn't know topology.
} Bo doesn't know quantum chromodynamics.
} Bo doesn't know how to magically heal himself so that he won't miss the
} current baseball and probably the coming football season.
} Bo doesn't know cardiovascular surgery.
} Bo doesn't know female impersonation.
} Bo doesn't know that I'm shtupping his wife.
} Bo doesn't know how to play the bassoon.
} Bo doesn't know how to sing soprano.
} Bo doesn't know about talk.bizarre.
} Bo doesn't know that you asked this question (nor would he care).
} Bo doesn't know...oh, millions of other things.
}
} You owe the Oracle your left testicle, sauteed with onions.


292-07    (04431 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do small animals, frozen solid, make good popsicles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Surprisingly enough, some of them do!  They also make other good
} desserts.   The dessert principle was first elucidated by Nimoy[1],
} who found that certain chipmunks had evolved over millions of years
} into intelligent, miniscule humanoids who maintained their way of life
} by making dessert and snack products for humans at a solutary tree
} they termed "Keebler."  Other investigators had noticed the
} unmistakable evidence of their existence on grocery shelves
} nationwide, but had been unable to find ther elves themselves.
} Originally confined to crackers, cookies and chips by the limits of
} their "elven magic" technology, by the end of the 1980s, the elves
} were expanding their production lines, thanks to financial help from
} sympathetic humans[2].  Their "secret product" turned out to be a
} competitor of the classic Popsicle(R), made by elves in a
} basement laboratory of their tree.  Although they had tried for years
} to master the art of frozen desserts, their small size and low
} technology had limited the size of the desserts to about their own
} size.  An infusion of capital[2,3] had enabled the elves to develop
} the technology to make frozen ice sticks (the "Elfsicles") that were
} four to five times their size, by, in effect, freezing everything in
} their elfen-magic laboratory.  In doing so, of course, they themseves
} had to be frozen, but special microwave heaters are now used to thaw
} the elves out while the elfsicles remain frozen.  According to
} Parnes[3], the elfsicle is barely beaten out by the Popsicle(R) in
} blind taste tests.
}
}    So, the answer is, yes, certain small animals, frozen solid, make
} good popsicles.
}
} [1] Nimoy, L.  In search of: The Keebler Elves.  1981.
} [2] Smith, L.  Where are they now?  People Weekly.  23 January 1990.
} [3] Parnes, S.  Rating the frozen desserts.  Ice Cream and Ices.
} December 1990.
}
} You owe the oracle a box of cookies.


292-08    (14511 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been popped into the oven, and suddenly all I can find in my
> pockets are the capitals of African nations!  Somewhere off in the
> darkness, a new paradigm is growing, growing, growing ...  I can smell
> its acrid teacup.  Where's the phaser, Mr. Sulu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pop-n-fresh?!?!  How are you doing?  You don't visit me anymore since
} you've started doing the TV commercials.  How are things at Pillsbury
} these days?  Making lots of dough?
}
} In the oven you say;  don't stay in too long or you might burn and
} people will refer to you as the Pillsbury Home-boy.  I'd be wary
} of the African nations.  With the rampant famine on the continent,
} a little "plump"-ernickle like you wouldn't last a day.
}
} BTW, that's not a paradigm that's growing, that's your yeast rising.
} The acrid smell?... yeast infection.
}
} My phaser's where it always was, on the front of my head.  I'm shaving
} it every day now.
}
} Well I've got a million stupid questions to answer, but it's been nice
} chatting with you again.  Don't be a stranger, Pop.
}
} You owe the oracle more frequent visits with animated corporate
} spokesmodels.


292-09    (24501 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If chicken 1 ways 1 pound and chicken 2 ways 2 pounds, How much does
> chicken 3 way??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just one minute, I'll check the proper newsgroup --
}
} ORACLE> rn
} [checking new newsgroups]
} Add alt.flame.broiled to .newsrc? [y/n] n
} Add alt.prose.lisa.stories to .newsrc? [y/n] YYYYYYYYYY!!!!
} Infinite articles in talk.we-are-the-gods.  Read now? n
} 45 articles in oracle.that.was.a.lame.answer. Read now?
} g alt.sex.bestiality
} 3 articles in alt.sex.bestiality.  Read now? y
} [article deleted -- though I did like the part about the yak.]
} What next? /bird sex
}
} Article 90087 in alt.sex.bestiality:
} Subject: bird sex
}
} > In article 90077 big-bird@sesame.street.com writes:
} >  While in England, I hired a few fowls for some fun.  I think I was
} >  overcharged.  What are the typical rates for groups of chickens on
} >  the Isle?
}
} Well, the last time I was in London, the prices at Gonzo's HenHouse
} were:
}
}     1 Chicken .... 40 pence
}     1 Turtledov .... 45 pence
}     1 ostrich .... 1 pound, 35 pence
}
} and for the more kinky amongst us:
}
}     Chicken 3-way .... 5 guinea, 6 if you want to keep the feathers.
}
} End of article.  What next? q
} ORACLE> ^D
}
} So there you go.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good joke to follow up this one:  What is the
} difference between kinky and perverse?  If you're kinky you use a
} feather.  If you're perverse you use the whole chicken.


292-10    (15321 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wonderful Oracle, whose program requires CPU power incredible please
> answer this humble question:
>
> Recently, I have been hit by an identity crisis.  From the recent
> beginning of Everything, I have experienced existing as no less than 473
> different personalities; however never more than one at the same time.
> The unfortunate is that no one man can really be 473 people, why I ask
> thee:
>
> DEAR ORACLE, HELP!!  WHO AM I????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh, dear.  You are in trouble.  You don't even realize the simple
} metaphysical law that *does* allow one man to be 473 people, even at the
} same time.  But in any event, it seems that you suffer from
} super-duper-pooper-scooper-tempero-persona-displacement complex.  In
} other words, you are experiencing all the people you were in past lives
} reoccupying your body.  Some people actually enjoy this experience, and
} Shirley MacClain may wish to talk to you (and then, boy would you have
} problems!).
}
}       But it seems that you are not enjoying it very much.  In answer to
} your question, simply type "whoami" at the next UNIX prompt, and your
} friendly, helpful computer will answer that question.  Or clear your
} screen to black, clean it very carefully to a high shine, and turn up
} the lights in the room really bright.  See that guy in your terminal?
} That's you!  Now get out of the terminal before the scanning electron
} beam penetrates your skull and does some real damage.  Besides, it's a
} vacuum in there.  And turn down the lights, it's hard on the eyes.
}
}       The oracle recommends learning to like the situation.  Try to
} become more than one personality at the same time.  Be several, so that
} one of you can do your work for you, one can cook dinner, and two of you
} (or more, if you like that sort of thing) can go trysting.  Saves a lot
} of time that way!
}
}       You owe the oracle a copy of Hoyle's Complete Metaphysical Rules
} of Existence.


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