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Internet Oracularities #293

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Usenet Oracularities #293    (17 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 91 08:32:03 -0500

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293   17 votes 14a20 14831 0033b 05750 02a41 24911 24641 04841 14561 02654
293   3.2 mean  2.8   2.9   4.5   3.0   3.2   2.7   2.9   3.1   3.1   3.6


293-01    (14a20 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh DuperWiseOracle,
>
> Please tell me:
>               What is exactly autocorrelation ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Unwise Human Peon:
}
} Autocorrelation is an extremely difficult concept to describe without
} the use of hyper-dimensional extrapolatory group theory, a theory not
} yet invented (by humans, of course it is known to the Oracle).  However,
} the Oracle in all its wisdom has developed a technique by which
} autocorrelation can be easily demonstrated in a do-it-yourself fashion.
}
}  1.  Get a minimum of three (3) automobiles, no older than the 1989
} model year.  Pontiac Formulae and any Rolls Royce have been shown to
} give the best result, but in emergency cases any vehicle over $15,000
} should give decent data.
}
}  2.  Let one of the vehicles stand parked in a bad neighbourhood
} overnight.  Make a careful list of all the dents, scratches and stolen
} parts.
}
}  3.  Repeat the procedure with a different vehicle.  Compare the lists.
} If the list lengths differ by more than 50%, discard the lists, vehicles
} and repeat steps 1-3.
}
}  4.  Torch all three vehicles; do not extinguish the fire until the
} first car explodes.
}
}  5.  This procedure is intended to maximize the autocorrelation,
}      therefore:
}     a. The unscratched car will explode, thus removing one reason the
}        autos did not already correlate very well.
}     b. Flames and flying debris will duplicate any harm done to the
}        other one of the surviving vehicles.  If that is not possible,
}        the region in which the fault existed will get wiped out by the
}        blaze, on both cars.
}
} As you most certainly can see when you perform this experiment, the
} latter two autos will correlate very well.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good, expensive bonfire.


293-02    (14831 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Most wise and all knowing Oracle.  The benevolent despot of all he
> surs (and not bad looking too.) Please pity me and answer this qustion
> for me..
>
> How come there is only one female smurf?  There are, at last count, over
> 40 smurfs in the village yet smurfette is never pregnant!  Is Papa Smurf
> keeping a harem somewhere?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, the number of times I have had to explain this.  And they wonder why
} I am suicidal!
}
} Smurfs do not have two sexes!  They reproduce by budding, like yeast,
} but they have a fiercely high mutation rate, which accounts for
} individual differences.  Papa Smurf is the parent of them all.  All of
} them were budded from "him" -- one could just as well call Papa Smurf an
} "it" -- and they are all little sexless blue monsters.  Smurfs like to
} gain the sympathy of humans by pretending to have two sexes.  Now,
} ingestion of certain toxic mushrooms will cause the growth of long hair
} on Smurfs and the acquisition of certain characteristics that
} approximate those of human females.  Lots of Smurfs ingest such fungi in
} an attempt to change, but the toxins usually kill them -- only one in
} hundreds that try will survive to change into the pseudo-female form
} known as a "Smurfette."
}
} So Smurfette is just another sexless blue Smurf, but one lucky enough to
} have survived the toxic mushrooms and changed form.
}
} You owe the Oracle a giant economy-sized can of Smurf-Away, and the
} sense to infer from this explanation the answers to other Smurf
} mysteries such as why there is no Mama Smurf, why any normal human hates
} Smurfs, etc.


293-03    (0033b dist, 4.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What did the Tibetian monk say to the hot dog vendor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The most famous exchange between a lama and a hot dog vendor occurred
} one block south of Times Square in July 1988.
}
}     Hot Dog Vendor: What can I get for ya today?  Footlong
}                     with the works?  I said, what can I get
}                     for ya today?  Hey, ya wanna hot dog or
}                     not?  Listen if yer not going to order
}                     willya move on, I gotta business to run.
}                     Stop starin' at me, man.  And wipe that
}                     silly grin off yer face.  Say something,
}                     dammit, yer givin' me the creeps.  Hey,
}                     I get it.  Ya don't any English, do ya?
}                     Uh, lessee, yo, uh, tengo los, uh, hot
}                     dogs, uh, perros calientes.  Okay, fine!
}                     just stand there.  See if I care.  Just
}                     don't scare away the customers.  Jeez.
}                     Forget it.  Ya wanna Coke?  Coca-cola?
}                     I don't care where yer from, ya gotta
}                     understand "Coca-cola".  Coca-cola?
}                     Stop smiling.  People'll think yer up
}                     to something.  Hey, I got all-beefs,
}                     beef-n-porks, turkey dogs, polish
}                     sausage, and kielbasa.  You can get
}                     ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, relish,
}                     pickles, or onions on them.  I've got
}                     plain and whole grain buns.  I don't
}                     care what you want, just order something
}                     or leave.  I'm serious, man, if you don't
}                     go away, I'll call the cops and have them
}                     arrest you for loitering.  Jesus Christ,
}                     will you stop staring at me!  STOP IT!
}                     At least blink once in a while.  You're
}                     driving me crazy!  You wanna Coke?  Wait,
}                     no, I already tried that.  Listen, man,
}                     I'm serious, stop starin' and grinnin' at
}                     me.  I gotta gun under the counter.  I'll
}                     use it.  I mean it.  STOP STARING AT ME!
}                     STOP IT!  STOP IT!  STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!
}                     YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!  AAAAARGH!
}                     STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!  PLEASE LOOK
}                     AWAY!  HERE!  OKAY!  I'M MAKING YOU A
}                     HOT DOG FOR FREE!  TAKE IT!  EAT IT!
}                     JUST GO AWAY!  STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!
}                     YOU WANNA COKE?  OKAY!  HERE'S A COKE!
}                     IT'S ON THE HOUSE!  NOW PLEASE GO AWAY!
}                     I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS!  YOUR
}                     EYES ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!  PLEASE
}                     STOPITSTOPITSTOPISTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!
}
}             Then the lama widened his grin just enough to barely show
}             his teeth.  At that moment the hot dog vendor was
}             enlightened.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better koan.  And a new deli.


293-04    (05750 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, most wise in matters sublime and ridiculous...
>
> I've heard that the size of a man's feet indicate the size of his
> genitals.  What to the size of a woman's feet indicate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle was going to be his usual asinine self and make a big deal
} about gramatically malformed questions and stupid spelling errors, but
} will skip over that, seeing as you are more properly respectful than Mr.
} VMail User and STUDENT, JOE LAMER, whose questions normally fill the
} Oracle's inbound queue to bursting without any artistic value whatever;
} thus, it has been determined that your question should be graced with an
} answer worthy of the Oracle.
}
} I won't even make a big deal, this time, about you lowercasing the O in
} Oracle, for which insult, express or implied, I should smite thee
} mightily, but that would mean that I'd forgotten about the
} not-being-allowed-to-use-the-word-'thee'-in-casual-conversation clause
} of my Oracular software license agreement, so thusly I must forgo the
} aforementioned (fortunately, you see, I can use words like "forgo" and
} "thusly" all I want, for the time being, at least).
}
} So, no matter how much I'd like to flame the living water out of your
} nose for spelling "do" as "to" in the last sentence of your question,
} and even though I can't attribute it to a simple typo on your part since
} "d" and "t" aren't adjacent on any keyboard ever made (which, of course,
} means I would get bonus points for flaming you about it), I'm not going
} to do it:  Truly, I said you would get an answer worthy of the Oracle,
} and by the hairs on God's nose, you will.
}
} Yes, you are fortunate:  Fortunate to be the Asker of the Question of
} the What's-Turning-Out-To-Be-The-Greatest-Oracular-Answer-Ever; the
} question whose question-and-answer combination will fill an entire
} edition of the Oracularities:  what is such an honor worth?  More than a
} set of Ginsu II Knives, surely.  But we're not at that part of the
} Answer yet; the Obilgations come last.  This Answer is still in the
} Flailing Abuse of the Questioner phase.  But, at least, it's out of the
} subphase of the One Sentence Paragraphs.
}
} Ah, but the Great Moment is upon us.  In just a few short lines, you
} will know the answer to the question you have asked.  Bet you can't
} wait.  Here it comes, the Historical Moment of Revelation...
}
} The size of her shoes.
}
} You owe the Oracle..  a less anticlimactic answer.


293-05    (02a41 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would like to know who the hell is bringing me bad luck !!!!!!!!
>
> Last Sunday a f**king thief stole my radio from my father's car, that I
> myself had stolen to go to the mountain. This was obviously caused by
> some kind of Jonah.
> Can you tell me his f**king name and address , 'cause I want to kill
> him suddenly .
> The end.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fool!  The Oracle has cursed you with bad luck retroactively to last
} Sunday as a punishment for your blasphemous question.  To earn your
} redemption and re-enter the Oracle's good graces, you must return to the
} mountain and perform this cleansing ritual:
}
}       You will eat or drink nothing for three days, except soap.
}       You will speak only when spoken to directly by the Oracle,
}       who shall appear before you in many forms and guises.  You
}       *will not* swear in the presence of the Oracle.
}
}       You will wear no clothing other than a T-shirt with a slogan
}       such as "I Love the Oracle," "The Oracle Knows All" or "My
}       Girlfriend Joined the Oracular Priesthood and All I Got Was
}       This Lousy T-Shirt."  On Tuesdays and Fridays you will wash
}       the T-shirt, although you yourself will not bathe during the
}       cleansing ritual.
}
}       Each morning at dawn you will face in the general direction of
}       iuvax and recite the Pledge of Allegiance, inserting the words
}       "the Oracle" at appropriate places in the pledge.
}
}       Each evening at sunset you will pray to the Oracle, begging for
}       forgiveness in the most humble and subservient tone possible
}       and promising never again to ask the Oracle a question without
}       using the proper amount of flattery and abasement.
}
}       Each day you will make an offering of some kind to the Oracle,
}       preferably an item of monetary value.  Your father's car radio
}       will be accepted as the inital offering.
}
} As this ritual progresses, you will begin to see the error of your ways.
} Eventually you will either be forgiven by the Oracle or starve to death.
} Of course, if you fail to perform the cleansing ritual you will suffer
} under the Oracle's curse until death, which usually takes about 5
} months.
}
} To give you an idea of what will happen if you fail to seek redemption,
} the Oracle has prepared a handy reference chart:
}
} Weeks stage of the curse      typical effect
} -------------------------------------------------------
}  1- 3 Petty Theft             lose small item
}  4- 6 Failure                 low final exam grade
}  7- 9 Itching                 poison ivy
} 10-12 Minor Injury            sprained ankle
} 13-16 Major Injury            collapsed lung
} 17-21 Illness                 meningitis
} 22-23 Death                   eternity in Hell
}
} Hmmm.  If I were in your shoes, I'd be on the mountain before week ten.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good set of speakers to go with this car radio.


293-06    (24911 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What ever happened to those little "Scrubbing Bubble" hot rod
> dudes that used to be on the tv..  Did Dow Chemical give 'em good
> retirement benefits or what?  Those little hot rod dudes were cool..
> Now that they're gone, I won't buy the stuff anymore.  If Dow's gonna
> can my little buddies, then I ain't buying their stuff nohow..  Wanna
> beer??
>                                               *RALPH*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Dow has had to cut back on advertising a bit, and was forced to
} let the very high paid "Scrubbing Bubbles" go, as their salaries are
} quite high.  They regret that other arrangements couldn't have been
} made, but they ask that people realize that a company has to run
} within its budget if it is to do well.  The "Scrubbing Bubbles" were
} last seen at Jerry's Car Wash, doing part time work.  They welcome
} visits from old fans, and you should look them up if you are ever in
} the Santa Barbara area.


293-07    (24641 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does your help-file say to use the address "iuvax.cs.indiana.edu",
> when "cs.indiana.edu" works?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      It's all a sinister plot by the operators of Digital Equipment
} Corporation, the manufacturers of VAXen.  Subliminal advertising, doncha
} know?
}
}      You owe the Oracle a....(KNOCK KNOCK)...Excuse me.
}                  Hello?
}                  "All right, pally!  You're coming with us!
}                  Think you can mock DEC, do you?  We'll see about that!"
}                  *thud*crunch*whack*


293-08    (04841 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just what is it you're trying to say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That I love you.  I love you passionately.  I love your sweet delicate
} body, with its firm girlish breasts, its delicate waist, its generous
} hips, sweet slender womanly legs, dainty little hands and feet, warm
} moist welcoming crotch, swan-graceful elegant neck, flawless lovely
} face, cloud of soft fine brown hair.  And those are merely the glories
} of your sweet flesh.  Such a mind!  Such a kind heart!  Such intense
} womanliness that I cannot understand how any man could resist your
} charms even if you were not half so beautiful in form.  I --
}
} Oh, shit, wrong questioner.  And I was doing so well, too.


293-09    (14561 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do you differentiate between 'artificial' and 'human' intelligence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple. Upon opening the cranium, look at the bottom of a brain. If it's
} human, it will say "No artificial intelligence included".
}
} Hey, what are you doing with my head?! Cut that out....


293-10    (02654 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That rabbit has stolen my eludium q-36 explosive space modulator.  What
> can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "You must go after him!" cried the Red Queen, removing her pressure
} helmet and sealing the airlock.  "Quick!  Quick!"
}
} Alice turned to the control panel, and ran an intimidated eye over the
} hundreds of button, dials, and joysticks that covered every visible
} surface.  "How?" she asked.
}
} "Foolish girl!" snorted the Queen "Like this!" So saying, she closed her
} eyes, waved one hand over the controls, and stabbed randomly at a bright
} blue button.  With a deafening roar, the shuttlecraft emptied its septic
} tanks onto the launch pad and began to prepare lunch.  "Or this!" The
} Queen pulled back on a strangely-shaped rod, and the little ship leapt
} into the air.  The Queen turned to Alice with a satisfied smile.  "See?
} It's so *very* simple."
}
} Alice wasn't all that sure, but knew it would be impolite to argue.  She
} watched as the rabbit's ship dwindled into the darkness.  "I don't think
} we can catch him."
}
} "Nonsense!" shouted the Queen.  "Recite!"
}
} "I beg your pardon?" said Alice, startled.
}
} "You well should.  Recite, child!"
}
} With an inward sigh, Alice resigned herself.  "People here certainly do
} love poetry," she thought.  Folding her hands, she began:
}
}   The planets were bored, one afternoon,
}   Of circling round the Sun
}   And Uranus suggested a country dance
}   Might be a bit more fun.
}
}   "A dance!  A dance!" the asteriods cried
}   And turned somersaults in delight;
}   So Jupiter sent out engraved invitations
}   To a ball that very night.
}
}   "I haven't a thing to wear" moaned Venus
}   And a cloud came over her face
}   "Wear your green gown," said Mars with a smile
}   "You'll be the prettiest planet in space."
}
}   Jupiter's moons were the symphonic band
}   And Pluto provided the tea;
}   Saturn danced rings around all of the others
}   But Neptune was rather at sea.
}
}   Dear little Mercury wouldn't sit down
}   Until Earth took him firmly in hand,
}   Led him off into the Asteriod Belt,
}   And fed him on seed cakes and jam.
}
}   The dance ended early, when Sol got annoyed
}   With their frivolousness and their levity.
}   He scolded them back to their orbital paths
}   And urged them to all have some gravity.


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