[IO]
Internet Oracle
17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 23:01:16 GMT

Internet Oracularities #294

Goto:
294, 294-01, 294-02, 294-03, 294-04, 294-05, 294-06, 294-07, 294-08, 294-09, 294-10


Usenet Oracularities #294    (12 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 21 Apr 91 07:21:53 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

294   12 votes 11460 12711 05511 06510 05412 04431 01461 03324 12540 12423
294   3.1 mean  3.2   2.9   2.8   2.6   3.0   3.1   3.6   3.6   3.0   3.3


294-01    (11460 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whatever happened to Bullwinkle?  And Rocket J.  Squirrel whilst you're
> at it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hey!  Where is the grovelling?  It is only proper and fitting that
} you grovel before me since I am such a superior being than you and I
} have totally awed you with my presence.  I will not answer such
} pretentious questions in the future.  I will answer you this once since
} you are obviously so ignorant of proper procedure, but only this once!
} The next time I shall smite you down for such a transgression.
}
}       Bullwinkle and Rocky have had a hard time since their stellar rise
} in television a while back.  The two were expelled from Wattsammata U.
} for alleged homosexual activities and running a prostitution ring.
} While conclusive proof of these activities was not found W. U. decided
} to dismiss the two to prevent a scandal involving the school.
}
}       Bulwinkle was then desparate for money to finance his appetite and
} Rocky's cocaine habit (What did you think kept him flying all those
} years?) and was recruited by the Boris and Natasha to be spies against
} the U.S.  This is the single cause of the great underwater stealth
} cavarly gap between the superpowers today.  Bullwinkle had stolen the
} plans for this weapons system from Mr. Peabody (at this time working
} with the Navy, NASA, and the FDA) at his top secret lab in Ontario.  Mr.
} Peabody's pet boy Sherman witnessed the heist and was subsequently gored
} by the surprised moose.  (Sherman is now a quardraplegic and has sued
} Bullwinkle for $30,000,000.29) Dudley-Do-Right, on special duty from the
} mounties (they were looking for any way to get rid of him.) was
} stationed there as a security guard and janitor for the facility stopped
} the rampaging moose by falling down the stairs and the noise alerted
} Horse who stampeded over Bullwinkle.
}
}       Bulwinkle was charged and found guilty of high treason.  He did,
} in fact, make his drop by handing the stolen information to Rocky who
} flew away to deliver the goods to the enemy.  Rocky was later
} intercepted and shot down by two Navy F-14's as he flew over the East
} Coast.  Bulwinkle is now awaiting the manditory appeal for his death
} sentence at the Federal penitentiary in Marion, Illinois.
}
}       So what will happen to our intrepid heroes now?  Tune in next time
} for Bullwinle get the Electric Chair, or You Light up my Life....
}
}       You owe the oracle a Wattsamata U. sweatshirt.


294-02    (12711 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I owe you a beer, don't I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Hmmm...let me check...
}         (Of course, I can access the information virtually instantly.
} It's just a nicety that Steve programmed in so I don't make you mortals
} feel *too* dumb.)
}         Ah, here we go.  The Oracle's ledger.  Hmmm...God still owes me
} for that bet we had about who could make the sillier animal.  He created
} the platypus (you didn't think it _evolved_, did you?) and I created the
} Jewish American Princess.  Talk about a mistake...
}         OK, here we are.  Mortals...ah, I see why you're confused.  You
} owe me a *deer*.  Lisa says venison is an aphrodisiac.
}         Then again, Lisa says *everything* is an aphrodisiac.
}
}         You owe a specific incarnation of the Oracle a UNIX system so he
} can write those neat session-simulation answers.


294-03    (05511 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, how come I see empty shotgun shells all round the place
> when I go walking at the edge of a forest but I don't ever see li'l baby
> hatchling shotguns?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Because they stay in nests in hollow trees.  When you see the
} shells, that means that the mama shotgun has been cleaning out her nest.
} This also means that you're _near_ a nest, and ought to exercise
} caution.
}      Certain people actually catch and raise wild baby shotguns and
} domesticate them.  This is dangerous work, which explains why a new
} shotgun costs so damn much.
}      You owe the Oracle a case of Federal 12-gauge Premium Buckshot.


294-04    (06510 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oracle, voice of almighty Crom, you must answer me.
>      Why do I have the strong urge to do grave violence to others?  For
> instance, there is a certain faculty member whom I told, "Knave!  Cease
> your evil deeds or I shall cleave your skull to the teeth!"
>      And should I buy a broadsword?  Lately I've been wanting one,
> badly.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Excuse me?  I *must* answer you?  Just where do you think you get
} off ordering the Oracle around like that?  Fortunately for you, the
} Oracle is in a kind mood today and so won't send a Lightning Bolt Like
} This World Has Never Seen (tm) to fry your sorry butt.  But you better
} make proper amends or next time you're toast.  Check out what you owe
} the Oracle below.
}
}       Now as to your question.  Obviously you are the result of an alien
} neuro-genetic experiment, whereby your body has been inplanted with the
} brain of a boxer (probably Leon Spinks) and the speech circuitry of King
} Richard the Third.  This explains the violence part and is also the
} reason you use such anachronistic language.  To rid yourself of the
} Spinks problem, have another boxer (preferably Tyson or Hagler) hit you
} repeatedly in the face until you are dead.  Then take three valium to
} relieve the headache, and bathe your body in the Well of Fondue to
} relieve the deadness.
}
}       Unfortunately, there is no cure for the King Dick III infestation.
} At least not one that your puny mortal form could survive.  Especially
} after you are already dead from removing the boxer infestation.  You'll
} just have to hope it goes away by itself.
}
}       And don't buy a brodasword.  The Oracle much prefers the Japanese
} katana.  Much better balanced, easier to use, and gets 2d6 damage
} against S/M creatures.
}
}       You owe the Oracle BIG.  For your insolence, you owe three roast
} pigs, two unblemished rams, and a *virgin* Tri-Delt sacrificed on the
} altar of Serendipity on the planet Foob.  For the *TWO* questions that
} the Oracle answered, you owe a one year's supply of Turtle Wax, an
} all-expenses-paid trip to Yosemite, and a home version of six different
} game shows.  Got it?


294-05    (05412 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                           I Hacked TELNET
>      (sung to the tune of 'I Fought The Law,' by the Bobby Fuller Four)
>
>      I tried to hack TELNET,
>            TELNET won.
>      I needed access 'cause I
>            Had none.
>      Tried to hack TELNET with a
>            0!
>            1!
>            0!
>            0!
>            1!
>            1!
>      Tried to hack TELNET,
>            TELNET won.
>      (long guitar solo [synthesized, of course])
>      A-breakin' codes in the
>            Hot sun!
>      I hacked TELNET but
>            TELNET won.
>      (another long guitar solo)
>      I got punted and it feels so bad!
>            I guess my password's dumb.
>      It's the worst feeling that I
>            Ever had!
>      I hacked TELNET and
>            TELNET won.
>      I hacked TELNET and
>            TELNET won.
>      (yet another long guitar solo)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (lyre solo)
}         Some times they say you're horny,
}         some times they say you're sad
}         But I would bet you money
}         Any one would call you mad
}               To hack TELNET
}       TELNET's like a desert,
}       Full of dust and sand
}         TELNET's got documentation
}         No one can understand
}               Just for TELNET
}       First they got a Martian
}         Straight from outer space
}         That's the guy who started to
}         Put TELNET into place!
}               Martian TELNET!
}         Then they got a sadist
}         Hi-tech whips and chains
}         She's the real reason
}         You got TELNET on the brains!
}               Sadist TELNET!
}       Last they got the Devil
}       Straight from outta Hell
}       That dude is the reason
}       Y'all like TELNET so well
}               Devil TELNET


294-06    (04431 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there any "law-abiding gun owners?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An answer to your question would first require that you understand that
} law is as artificial and man-made as a gun, and just as dangerous.  The
} Oracle would argue that Law is much more dangerous in that it allows the
} tamed to commit heinous crimes against the free-thinking without any
} responsibility being placed on the individual.  Why should you feel
} guilty when the law commits an act of injury to the innocent?
}
} When you have completed understanding of this equality, you will realize
} the error of your question.  When locked in a room with a murderous
} entity, the Oracle would much rather have a gun than the law on his
} side.


294-07    (01461 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Kidnapping her and assuming her identity were hard enough, but I can't
> believe what a boring life she leads!  Is there any way I can liven it
> up yet stay in character and not arouse suspicion?
>
> --Agent 37

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         The Oracle has contacted the proper authorities.  They asked me
} to forward this message:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}         Forget it, number 37.  You knew what you were getting into when
} you took this assignment.  We gave you the dossier on your subject
} before we sent you back in time.
}         Now, I know babies have boring lives, but you HAVE to act like a
} baby.  If you don't act according to your instructions, you will not
} meet Ronnie at Paramount Studios, and then he *certainly* won't make it
} as a politician without you working the strings.  Even if he did (yeah,
} sure), what good would he be to us?
}         Anyway, you'll get to have *lots* of fun once you get to the
} White House, though.  I'm sending you a copy of a book by a Kitty Kelly
} that came out in 1991.  You'll see what I mean.  The book has been
} encoded in the form of a fairy tale called "Goldilocks and the Three
} Bears".  We will see to it that your parents read it to you when you are
} four.
}         Keep up the good work, Agent 37.
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
}         You owe the Oracle a Cabinet position.


294-08    (03324 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have taken what is supposed to be a large dose of mixed hallucinogens
> (LSD, cane toad secretions, peyote) yet nothing out of the ordinary is
> happening.  I still change sex every three-and-one-half minutes and hair
> color about every twelve, my pet iguana changes momentarily into a cat
> now and then and bays at the Moon, which hangs from the ceiling as it
> always did, its green cheese smelling a bit moldy.  So when do I start
> tripping?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem is very simple:  You are clearly not human.  There are only
} three species in the universe which changes sex every three-and-one-half
} minutes:  You must one of them.
}
} 1) The Btsmats-Fud of Cygnus Alpha 3.  This race actually has 17 sexes,
} which must pair in all possible combinations in the correct order in
} order to reproduce.  Since the Btsmats-Fud are not known for their
} mental acuity, it is generally agreed that the race will be extinct in a
} few generations.  You can't be one of them, as they are fatally allergic
} to cheese.
}
} 2) The Prong Beetles of Arcturus 5.  As nasty a race as lives on any
} flea-bitten planet in the universe.  The Oracle hopes, for your own
} sake, that you AREN'T a Prong Beetle.  Their diet disgusts even them.
} Lucky for you, you probably don't belong to this misbegotten race, since
} they have brains the size of thumbtacks, and are thus unlikely to master
} electronic mail anytime in the foreseeable evolutionary future.
}
} 3) The Myop.  The Myop live on no planet at all.  They are vaguely
} spherical, fur-covered, and live their entire lives in orbit around red
} giants, where they feed on long-wavelength spectra.  They can freely
} switch sexes, and breed exponentially.  Several of the larger red giants
} in the interior part of the galaxy, once major tourist attractions, have
} been abandoned in the past fifty years due to infestations of Myop.  The
} Galactic Department of Health has recently declared Myop to be "vermin
} of the lowest order", and is funding a major effort to exterminate the
} little buggers.  Myop are known to generate their own supply of natural
} hallucinogens, and to have a freakish affinity for reptilian lifeforms.
}
} All indications are that you are a Myop, you festering hair-ball.
}
} You owe the Oracle two large cans of RAID (tm) Roach, ant, and Myop
} Killer.


294-09    (12540 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I ordered a pizza with the lot from Joe's Pizza Joint (the one with the
> neon sign in the window).  The pizza was fine, except that he somehow
> mathematically cancelled the anchovies!  I thought it was done like
> this:
>
> Anchovies are pieces of fish.
> => Anchovies are fish derivatives.
>
> Now, we have  the following:
>
>                d fish
>                -------
>                d pizza   = anchovies on a pizza, and
>
>                d taste
>                -------
>                d fish    = varies according to a Poisson distribution
>
> so, by the chain rule,
>
>                d taste   d fish    d taste
>                ------- * ------- = -------
>                d fish    d pizza   d pizza
>
> and the fish is cancelled out.
>
> What can I do if the fish is cancelled out again?
>
> -sm

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While your math is correct (as far as it goes), your mistake was made
} earlier than that.  You ordered the pizza 'with the works'.  That means
} extra cheese.  Cheese contains cholesterol.  The anchovies ate the
} cheese, died of cholesterol clogging their arteries, and exploded
} in the oven.  That explains the brown splotches in the cheese, they
} were the remains of vaporized anchovies.
}
} You owe the Oracle a double-crusted pizza with shitaki mushrooms.
} Oh, and garlic rolls.  (Gotta keep them werewolves away, you know!)


294-10    (12423 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I buy an inflatable Nancy Reagan sex doll?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The same place I bought mine--Jesse Helms's Little Shop O'
} Heterosexual Perversion Tools.  Wonderful, isn't she?
}      You owe the Oracle the name of a place where I can find a picture
} of Marilyn Quayle in a black leather nuns' habit.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org