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Internet Oracularities #295

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Usenet Oracularities #295    (12 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 23 Apr 91 12:29:22 -0500

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295   12 votes 05610 33420 14610 33510 43401 24420 07230 02730 12630 01731
295   2.7 mean  2.7   2.4   2.6   2.3   2.2   2.5   2.7   3.1   2.9   3.3


295-01    (05610 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who can guzzle a six-pack of Jolt with no noticeable
> side-effects, who grants to us mortals wisdom far beyond our wildest
> dreams, who knows why I dream about punctuation, please bring yourself
> down off your lofty perch from which you survey the world of mortals and
> answer me this...  How can I bring the picture to life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, child...I'd tell you this, but a living woman shaped like Jessica
} Rabbit simply couldn't live long or comfortably.  Suppose that the
} Oracle told you the incantation and you applied it.  ** poof!  ** the
} picture vanishes and a live Jessica Rabbit stands before you.  Before
} she can address a word to you in her Kathleen Turner voice, she bends
} over in agony.  Of course that tiny waist cannot support the weight of
} that big head and those massive bosoms.  From then on, constant pain for
} her, trouble with her tiny and insufficient digestive system...death
} within a month, and no way to turn her back into a picture to relieve
} her agony.
}
} Don't even think about it.


295-02    (33420 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have this perverse and, to me, inexplicable desire to be my
> girlfriend.  Is it just an overextension of being so madly in love with
> her, or is there something seriously wrong with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Before I begin, I have to yet to see any respect coming from your
} puny, worthless being.  You are talking to the great Oracle!  I am not
} one who you address without the utmost of respect and groveling.  I
} expect better from you next time, since it is obvious that you are
} suffering from a severe case of temporary insanity.  Speak to me in such
} a petty manner in the future and your life will be exciting and brief.
}
}       Now, about your problem:  Your problem isn't mental at all.  It is
} obvious That you are being possessed by a succubus.  A succubus, for you
} of lesser intellects who do not know, is a sexual vampire who visits her
} victims in their sleep and drains the victim's lifeforce by *ahem* doing
} the nasty with them.  On the whole this is not a particularly BAD way to
} go.
}
}       This desire is obviusly the result of a post-hypnotic suggestion
} left bythe undead creature.  Additionally, the succubus and her effects
} are also the reasons behind your lack of energy, your aversion to direct
} sunlight and your recent case of impotence.
}
}       To drive this beast away will require you to make the succubus
} desire somebody else.  You will have to make yourself as unattractive as
} possible.  (Yes,even more unattractive than you are now!  I didn't say
} this was going to be easy.) Try eating Mexican food every night.  This
} will cause you to flatulate throughout the evening.  Also not brushing
} your teeth will give you a case of halitosis from hell.  Try wearing
} that pair of camoflage USMC boxer shorts.  You get the idea.  I know you
} have tons more tacky stuff to do.  Finally, buy some issues of Playgirl
} and post the centerfolds up on your wall to give the succubussome
} exposure to her options.  This should do the trick.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a box of condoms.
}
}       -*psst* Hey Oracle!  Did he fall for it?
}       -Yeah, like a rock.  Did you do what I told you to?
}       -Sure did your Oracleness, I called all his friends over to his
}          house tonight at around 2:00 AM and have set up a camera with a
}          telephoto lens across the street.  This should be hilarious!
}          Your jokes just keep getting better and better sir!
}       -I know, and to belive the bozo fell for it!.....


295-03    (14610 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, kind sir, if it pleases you I would be most honored if you
> would deign to reveal your predictions for the upcoming World Foozball
> Championship match featuring Juwarharlal Smythe and Edward Chowder.  And
> what about their recent injuries?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...  I am not sure if I can do that.  Let me check my Oracular
} policy guide.
}
} > Section 13.6.91.4b: Sporting Event Predictions
} > If order to prevent unethical gambling, the Oracle shall not predict
} > the outcome of sporting events.  This restriction specifically
} > includes boxing, horse racing, and vehicular homicide.
}
} It doesn't mention Foozball.  Let me check something another section.
}
} > Section 4.18.12.9f: Definition of a Sporting Event
} > A sporting event is defined as an officially sanctioned confrontation
} > between two or more satient beings.  The event must procede along
} > previously defined rules, and it must be impartially referreed.
} > The loser must suffer grevious humiliation, and the winner must gloat
} > insufferably.  There must be a significant chance of painful injury.
}
} Yup, that sounds like Foozball.  However, I remember another relevent
} section.
}
} > Section 4.20.15.2e: Silly Sport Names
} > A sport must have a serious name.  For example, football is a serious
} > sport; it sounds like it involves kicking people in the groin.
} > Squash is even more serious.  Badminton is not a sport; whoever
} > heard of a minton, much less a bad one?
}
} I think Foozball qualifies as a silly name, but there is another
} important section.
}
} > Section 4.23.12.9: Violent Sports
} > If an activity is sufficiently violent, then it can qualify as a sport
} > regardless of previous conditions.  For example, boxing is putting
} > things into boxes.  However, boxing is also pounding your
} > opponent into raw hamburger with soft gloves.  Therefore, boxing is
} > a real sport.
}
} Foozball can get very noisy and ugly.  It must be a sport.  Sorry, but
} policy forbids me from answering your question.


295-04    (33510 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>       I keep getting these anonymous letters in my campus mailbox.  The
> writer describes in detail how he will ravish me, kiss my beautiful
> breasts and stroke my golden hair, how perfectly beautiful a woman I am
> -- except that I'm not a woman.  Who is sending the letters, and why?
> They are addressed to me specifically, so I don't think that it's an
> accident, and they're hand-written.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  this is a very disturbing situation.  The possibility does
} exist that in the original design of the universe, you were intended to
} be a woman, but due to a design oversight, at the last minute they
} corected the flaw by converting you to a man.  However, they did not
} change all references to you, and as a result some people still believe
} you are a woman, and will continue to believe this until they try to get
} you into bed.
} Perhaps you should seek out the sender of these letters (check for
} fingerprints) and reveal your true identity to him, by showing the proof
} of your gender, in all its glory.  If he still comes after you, RUN.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of mace.


295-05    (43401 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Heard any good ones lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you know, I...gee, hmmm, let me see, uh, just a mnute, gosh.  Boy,
} I know I heard something, what the hell was it?  Hmm.  Hmmmmmm!
} HMMMMMMMMM!  Oh, anyway, I...uh...oh yeah!  No, no, that's not it.
} Maybe...hmmm.  Jeez, and I wrote it down, too.  Let's see, have I heard
} any good ones lately?  Hmmm...er...well, I dunno...hmm.  Perhaps...nahh.
} How about...?  I don't think so..ahhh, no.  I'll look over here...no,
} none in there.  Let me call next door and see if they've heard any good
} ones.  Where's that...uh, whatisicalled...umm, damn!  I know I just saw
} it.  Hmmm.  Just go ahead and have a seat, I'm sure I'll have it in a
} minute...ehhh...no, that ain't it.  How about under here?  AHA!  Found
} it!  Nope, damn, doesn't seem to be working...I'll...er...hmmm.  Boy, I
} just don't know...gosh!  Gee, what...no, well....
}
} Nope, I guess not.
}
} You owe the Oracle a...hmm, what the hell was that thing called?  I'd
} know it if I saw it.  Hmmm....


295-06    (24420 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That's not a Telephone! That's a Gas Pump! Oops, too late. Oh my god...
>
> What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, calm down...firstly, did you try to call long-distance?  You did?
} Uh-oh...  DON'T PANIC...now, firstly, replace the receive-er-the pump.
} Now pay the man standing there ranting at you for the gas currently
} soaking your jacket...  NO!!!  DON'T SMOKE..._phew_ that was close.
} Now, some small tests here:  When you shake your head does it slosh?
} Yes?  OK now put your head on your shoulder and let all the gas flow out
} again...done that?  Good...now the next stage is very critical so don't
} make a mistake...NO!  DON'T SMOKE!!!...yes, coffee is OK, just avoid the
} cigarettes...now wander into that laundrette over there nice and quietly
} and remove all your gas-soaked clothes -er- better skip the underwear
} and load it into that machine.  Yes, take your wallet out of yor pants
} first.  Now put some change in the machine and start the cycle...
}
} Hum a little if you like, yes, it'd help pass the time...hmmm, why no
} water yet...wait, that's a dryer, quick get the clothes out of there
} before they catch fire - aargh too late.  OK, now's where we start a new
} fashion trend:  the 'Struck by Lightning' look...or perhaps the 'I'm a
} failed Fire-fight'...
}
} You Owe the oracle a new set of clothes


295-07    (07230 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I keep getting questions supposedly from people who have had
> their identities changed and want to change back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you are the head of the Justice Department's Witness
} Relocation Program.  You'd better get back to the office, the paper
} work is pilling up.
}       No, no.  Just kidding.  That was part of the famous Oracle
} silliness.
}       Because you are Madge the Manicurist and your gay lover has
} held up a bank and--
}       No, no.  Just kidding.  I'm the Oracle, and I'm just wacky
} as all get out.
}       Because people see in you a remarkably sensative and caring
} individual and a credit to the human race.
}       No, no.  Kidding, kidding!  Ain't I just as loopy as a loon?
} Nutty, nutty, nutty!
}
} You owe the Oracle an answer to your question.


295-08    (02730 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Grand and Goodly and Gregarious and...  Uh...  Oh, hell...
> Oracle:
>
> If you could be any type of tree, what type of tree would you be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once a password hacker sat by his terminal
} Under the shade of a binary tree
} And he sang as he sat and waited 'til his code compiled:
} "You'll come a-cracking computers with me"
}
} Chorus:       "Cracking computers, cracking computers,
}        You'll come a cracking computers with me..."
}       And he sang as he sat and waited 'til his code compiled:
}       "You'll come a cracking computers with me."
}
} Down sat a user, to work at that terminal
} Up sat the cracker, and watched him with glee
} And he sang as he saved that password in his datafile:
} "You'll come a cracking computers with me."
}
} Chorus.
}
} Down came the admin, into the computer room
} Down came a super-user or three
} "Whose is that password you've got in your datafile
}  You'll come a-cracking computers with me."
}
} Chorus.
}
} Up jumped the cracker, and turned off the terminal
} "You'll never catch me online" cried he!
} But his code may be heard as you log on that terminal...
} "You'll come a-cracking computers with me."
}
} Chorus.
}
} The Oracle wants to be an alpha-beta pruned balanced AVL tree,
} or a Coolibah tree, whichever turns you on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book of Australian folksongs. Or a better
} songwriter.


295-09    (12630 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle,
>     I, your most honorable servant calls upon your wonderous knowledge
> to answer my most deepest question.
>     My girlfriend has the most beautiful red hair and gorgeous green
> eyes. Whenever we are in bed, on a table, or in the bathtub making
> whoopie, I get an image of Christmas. Then, I think of God and him
> watching over us performing an adulerated act of lust and I lose my
> erection. It is killing our relationship. What am I to do.
>
>                                  -- Cathy's Clown

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Your story touches the Oracle deeply.  Therefore, several
} solutions to your problem will be presented.  Perhaps one will suit
} you.  And since you have used the proper amount of flattery in the
} introduction to your question, some of these solutions may even
} be beneficial, rather than the highly destructive form mvst suggestions
} from the Oracle take on the mortal human form.
}
}       First possibility: change girlfriends, to one with different
} hair or eye colors.  The Oracle knows many (at least one) deserving
} male to whom you cvuld give your present girlfriend.  This is probably
} not what you had in mind.
}
}       Second possibility: Have your girlfriend change the color of
} her hair or eyes.  This may make her less attractive to you, but at
} least you'll be able to hump away without guilt.
}
}       Third possibility: only screw in the dark, where you cannot see
} her eyes and hair, thus cannot be reminded of certain deities.
}
}       Fourth possibility: let the colors remind you of something
} else.  M&Ms come in green and red (among other colors), and the green
} ones are rumored to be an aphrodasiac among your species.  You could
} make a game of it by reminding yourself of stoplights--at the beginning
} of the stroke you look into her eyes, and the green says go.  As you
} move upward, you see her red hair, and red means stop, so you don't
} split her up the middle with your, uh, sword.  See how easy this
} possibility is?
}
}       Fifth possibility: look only into her eyes.  Lose yourself in
} them while slowly making love to her.  Very romantic.
}
}       Sixth possibility: change positions.  In the so-called doggie-
} style position, you will only be able to see her hair.
}
}       Seventh possibility: change deities to one who yoz believe is more
} into sex.  Guys like Zeus and Thor were always sleeping around,
} practicing lust themselves.  They would probably cut you some slack.
}
}       Eighth possibility:remember that Christmas is a family holiday,
} and note that you are just practicing for having a real family.
}
}       Ninth possibility: go faster.  Then you can't lose your erection
} before the act is complete.  She may protest this one.
}
}       (and just to make it a round number) Tenth possibility: read
} rec.arts.erotica, alt.sex, or alt.bizarre.perverts (depending on your
} general bent) tv cause high hormone levels, and thus prevent this
} horrid erectile dysfunction.  Of course, if your girlfriend can't turn
} you on mvre than this reading material, you're in deep trouble.  And
} having a terminal in bed is a little awkward, but it will save time
} and trouble in case you have to consult the Oracle suddenly during the
} night.
}
}       There you go.  Practice these and you're on your way to overcoming
} this God paranoia and
}
} Message from God@pearly.heaven.org
} ZZZZZZZZZZOT!
}
}       Well, gotta go now.  Good luck!


295-10    (01731 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear oracle:
>
> I am about to cough.  I feel a small yet inextinguishable cough rising
> up from the bottoms of my lungs.  It is drifting slowly and inexorably
> up my throat.  Soon it will reach my mouth, and then propel itself unto
> the audient void.  What shall I do, Oh great and wise oracle, whatever
> shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a good thing you contacted the Oracle when you did, because that's
} NO ORDINARY COUGH!!  That long, slow cough is the terminal symptom of
} Kratzmeyr's Syndrome, a rare, fatal disease caused by a mutated form of
} the Whooping Cough virus somehow implanted into the Black Plague
} bacterium, along with bits and pieces of DNA from anthrax, German
} measles, and a nasty head cold.  You aren't going to cough, you're
} actually going to regurgitate your entire digestive tract and several
} smaller organs.  Lucky for you, the Oracle can tell you the only known
} cure.  Two minutes more, and it would have been too late.  Just a sec
} ...  It's right hear <flipitaflipitaflip> ...  hold on a minute ...
} <shuffleshuffleshuffle> ...  coulda sworn it was in that pile - maybe
} it's over here <THUD!!flitterflutter> aHA!  Got it.  You still there?
}
} Hello?
}
} Yuk.


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