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} *sigh* Why do you mortals always come to me with your petty problems ?
} I mean, here I am, wise and omniscient -- but does anybody ever ask me
} any really *interesting* questions, like "What is the average distance
} between any two second cousins on the planet Gorials, if indeed such a
} planet does exist?" or "Is there a way to reverse entropy ?". But Noo,
} you always ask me for help with personal problems, like "How can I get
} a date for saturday night" or "Which color should I dye my hair?", not
} considering for a moment that I am not particularly likely to have any
} interest whatsoever in different hairstyles among you mortals. But, it
} is my job, after all -- and I have a reputation to live up to, being a
} wonderful, omniscient, miraculously perfect Oracle ... *sighs deeply*
}
} Well, about your Roommate Colin, here's a few steps you might take to,
} ah, "persuade" him that he might be better off without your company. A
} few examples :
}
} 1) when he starts talking too much, stare directly into his eyes. This
} should give him a slight hint that it might be better not to talk a
} lot. If you want to increase the effect, take a knife in your hand,
} and start cleaning your nails or picking your teeth with it, or any
} similar leisurely disctracting action. If you see drops of sweat on
} his forehead, you know that your message is getting across.
}
} 2) Next time he leaves a cupboard open, you close the door with a very
} loud "bang" sound. You can also do this as a preventive measure: If
} you think that he isn't going to close the cupboard door, do it for
} him -- even if he his hand still are in the cupboard. Now this may,
} of course, inflict a not inconsiderable amount of pain on Colin, as
} he is very likely to get his fingers crushed in the door frame as a
} side result of this action. But this, too, should be seen as a side
} benefit -- he will have no difficulties understanding what you want
} to tell him, especially if you, in response to his high-pitched cry
} of pain, only stare back at him, as you did under point (1), and do
} not dignify his outraged "Why did you do that ?" with an answer.
}
} 3) If you find his jacket on the floor of your front hall, walk across
} it a few times -- that will teach him. If you really desire to make
} your point, put on your pair of climbing boots (the ones you forgot
} to clean after your last himalaya expedition) before walking across
} the jacket, but make sure to hide your boots afterwards, or he will
} certainly recognise the footprint pattern.
}
} 4) The motorcycle part. To frustrate him, let the air out of the tyres
} of his bike. If you want to make your point more seriously, cut the
} tyres open with a large knife. And if you prefer to make your point
} court, pour sugar into his gasoline tank.
}
} 5) If he still talks too much, gag him.
}
} That should more or less cover it, I believe -- or rather, being omni-
} scient, I *know* that covers everything -- so, there's your answer. Go
} ahead. Let him Make Your Day.
}
} Oh, you think that's being a little bit harsh ? Well, you said that he
} was a nice guy -- you didn't say *you* were.
}
} You owe the oracle a recording of the voice of your ex-roommate-to-be,
} screaming as he discovers his motorbike with slashed tyres inside your
} (closed) cupboard.
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