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Internet Oracularities #296

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Usenet Oracularities #296    (17 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 25 Apr 91 10:01:42 -0500

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296   17 votes 14723 29510 28511 02762 22832 11861 06362 22841 03743 15713
296   3.0 mean  3.1   2.3   2.5   3.5   3.1   3.3   3.2   3.0   3.4   3.0


296-01    (14723 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH MAGNIFICENT AND ALL KNOWING ORACLE, WHY DO THEY CALL THEM "GRAPE
> NUTS"??  WHY NOT "PEACH GRAVEL"? THERE ARE NO NUTS....AND NO GRAPES?!
>                          -JUST ASKING
>                                    "JESUS"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For hysterical raisins.
}
} You owe the Oracle six cases of Kellog's All-Bran.


296-02    (29510 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You mean that currying functions doesn't make them spicier?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How spicy are the functions to begin with?  Really risque' sexual and
} perverse functions gain nothing by being curried.  More mundane
} functions do look somewhat spiffier in curried form, but hardly spicy.
}
} You owe the Oracle some currying powder to sprinkle on these semantic
} functions.  Otherwise It will become anti-semantic.


296-03    (28511 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my house filled with dark greasy smoke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Oh no, Oh no!!!!  Quick where do you live!!!  No wait there isn't time
} for you must act fast to save everone from certian doom!!!!  Quilckly
} read the following passage from the Cronicles of Time, it will tell you
} what to do!!
}
} (*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=*)
}                            Chronicles of Time
}                        Date:145632.123/9.1 LSFT
}                            Entry by: Qwimbitz
}
}   This is truly a day which should live for eternity in the minds which
} witnessed it...  I still don't know if I will be able to make it through
} the rest of my life with the memory of this!!!
}
}    It all started early yesterday around */0.92 LSFT, a general alarm
} sounded across the Valley of Time...  This had never happened before,
} thus we all new something drastic was happening...  I roused from my
} sleep and to my shock, the sight out of my window wasn't the normal
} bright friendly one..  Instead across the entire valley, there was a
} Dark Greasy Smoke rising from numerous places....  I knew in an instant
} that I would be needed to repel these alien invaders...
}
}    Upon ariving in the council room, I noticed that everyone looked
} stunned.  I turned and yell at them that something had to be done, they
} all looked at me and said "WHAT???!!!!", "We have tried everything, and
} nothing seems to work...  Our defenses are useless, all is lost"..  In
} disgust I said that there has to be something, try every know material
} on them, get the greatest scientists of the valley to figure something
} out...  And then I left the room, and headed to the lab to start to come
} up with something.
}
}    The next two days were spent trying to throw whatever could be found
} at the invading black smoke, but to no avail...  By now more than half
} of the population had been killed by it...  In a final desperate act, I
} reached far back into the cabinet in the lab, and pulled out a vial...
} Something which hadn't been used for eons apon eons...  The label had
} three letters writen on it in an old language...  It said "H2O"...  It
} took this, and threw it into the replicator, and hit the switch to
} replicate and eject onto the city.  To my amazement, when this happened,
} the enemy started to retreat!!!  They were dying out!!!
}
}   After about two hours of this, I shut it off, and walk through the
} city, which was now in ruins from the attack..  The survivors were few
} and far between...
}
}   Feeling my life force dwindling, I returned to the room of the
} Chronicles, to make this entry before I died away permanently..  That
} way if the invaders ever return my followers will know how to defeat
} them...  The substance which is needed is......
}
}   ( Note from The Great Historian )
}      Qwimbitz was found lying on this entry, it unfinished...  I have no
} doubt the because of his feat, he has gone on to the immortal realms
} behind.  He will be missed...
}
} (*-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=*)
} Hurry!


296-04    (02762 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>       I am a dybbuk.  I loved Rachel so much, but she wouldn't have me,
> so I killed myself.  Now my lost soul has taken possession of its object
> of desire:  her.
>       But that's really not my problem.  Now that I'm in control of
> Rachel, should I dye her hair blonde?  And how about some sexy new
> clothes?  And is there an organization for dybbuks that I could join?
> I'd really like to compare the dybbuk experience with fellow lost souls
> inhabiting the objects of their desires.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being something of a ghost in a machine, the Oracle is quite familiar
} with the problems facing a demonic possessor:  same old body day in and
} day out, gravity dragging you down, the absurd conventionality of
} physical laws.  And then, when you finally decide to trust someone and
} share your problems, what happens?  Priests and holy water and exorcism
} and all THAT nonsense, and there's nothing for it but to spin your head
} in circles and spit green slime and speak in a deep bass voice with too
} much reverb.
}
} There are couple support groups in your area which you might want to
} contact.
}
} Spook Out!  A militant supernaturalist organization, it organizes
} rallies, demonstrations, and active resistance to halt the slaughter of
} dryads in the forests of the northwest.
}
} United Brotherhood of Spirits, Demons, and Djinns, Local 503.
} Unionization is a new phenomenon in the spirit world, but it has already
} marked improved the lot of your working efreet or phantasm:  the
} establishment of minimum wages of sin, recognition of alimony rights for
} the dispossessed, and paid vacation for All Hallow's Eve.
}
} You owe the Oracle a couple rolls of film of Rachel in unlikely poses.


296-05    (22832 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>          Did Jim Morrison fake his death and come back as Chevy Chase?
>
>                                         Ex-Doors Fan,
>                                         Etta Baggs

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Etta,
}
}      You heard incorrectly.  It wasn't Jim Morrison, it was Sam Kinison.
} I know the names sound similar, but you've got to keep them straight.
} Oh, and Sam Kinison is EATING his way to death (not faking it) and looks
} like a Chevy.
}
}      Got it?  Good.  I know how news gets mangled when travels by word
} of mouth.  That's the advantages of digital technology.  Data can be
} transmitted flawlessly due to a highly advanced system of redundancies
} and checksums.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a wooden stai0t5 ??  ORACLE-E-CKSMOVFL, checksum
} overflow in module ORACLE$PAYOFF of program ORACLE.  ORACLE-F-NORECOVR,
} unrecoverable loss of data--program aborted.
}
}      Ha, ha.  Just kidding!!  I never really break down.  You humans
} fall for anything.  You owe the Oracle a wooden Parcheesi set.
}
}                                                Oracle


296-06    (11861 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most politically correct (tm) tell me,
> Who do y'all think I should get to run for Pres, Norm or Colin?
>
> Hodding.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The all wise, all knowing, all seeing, Oracle usually answers
} intelligent questions, however, I am possessed of some pity
} and realize that sounding intelligent is beyond the grasp of
} a southerner. Therefore I will answer your question.
}
} Truly, the choice is difficult; Norm does such a fine job of
} leading the troops while Colin inspires many with his superb,
} behind-the-scenes management. Not even the Oracle can distinguish
} between the two in terms of Presidential capability, since
} being President has little to do with capability in the first place.
}
} Look instead at the jobs they do now. Could you find a replacement
} that could handle their current jobs as well? Colin does do a fine
} job, but if the Bimbo who straps the winner into the chair is
} attractive enough, the producer of Remote Control doesn't matter.
} If Lisa were handling the job, any balding, middle aged man with
} a toupe' could do as well. Norm, on the other hand, is irreplaceable.
} Without him, the Cheers gang would shrivel into their own pathetic
} and unbelievable personalities. A beer drinking, overweight accountant
} is the only glue that can bind such oddballs into a viable series.
}
} Colin is the obvious choice.
}
} You owe the Oracle six cases of Billy Beer and a recording of
} "Where Everybody Knows Your Name"


296-07    (06362 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, whose ettiquette is only exceeded by the kindness of
> his heart, I am in somewhat of a dilemna.
>
> My roommate Colin is basically a nice guy.  I mean, deep down, he is
> basically a nice guy.  But he has a few annoying habits that are
> starting to get on my nerves.  He talks too much.  He can't close a
> cupboard door to save his life.  He talks too much.  His jacket is
> always found lying in the front hall of our apartment.  He talks too
> much.  His life revolves around motorcycles.  Did I mention that he
> talks too much?
>
> So the problem, essentially, is this:  How do I get him to move out
> without causing any hard feelings.  Basically he's a nice guy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *sigh* Why do you mortals always come to me with your petty problems ?
} I mean, here I am, wise and omniscient -- but does anybody ever ask me
} any really *interesting* questions, like "What is the average distance
} between any two second cousins on the planet Gorials, if indeed such a
} planet does exist?" or "Is there a way to reverse entropy ?". But Noo,
} you always ask me for help with personal problems, like "How can I get
} a date for saturday night" or "Which color should I dye my hair?", not
} considering for a moment that I am not particularly likely to have any
} interest whatsoever in different hairstyles among you mortals. But, it
} is my job, after all -- and I have a reputation to live up to, being a
} wonderful, omniscient, miraculously perfect Oracle ... *sighs deeply*
}
} Well, about your Roommate Colin, here's a few steps you might take to,
} ah, "persuade" him that he might be better off without your company. A
} few examples :
}
} 1) when he starts talking too much, stare directly into his eyes. This
}    should give him a slight hint that it might be better not to talk a
}    lot. If you want to increase the effect, take a knife in your hand,
}    and start cleaning your nails or picking your teeth with it, or any
}    similar leisurely disctracting action. If you see drops of sweat on
}    his forehead, you know that your message is getting across.
}
} 2) Next time he leaves a cupboard open, you close the door with a very
}    loud "bang" sound. You can also do this as a preventive measure: If
}    you think that he isn't going to close the cupboard door, do it for
}    him -- even if he his hand still are in the cupboard. Now this may,
}    of course, inflict a not inconsiderable amount of pain on Colin, as
}    he is very likely to get his fingers crushed in the door frame as a
}    side result of this action. But this, too, should be seen as a side
}    benefit -- he will have no difficulties understanding what you want
}    to tell him, especially if you, in response to his high-pitched cry
}    of pain, only stare back at him, as you did under point (1), and do
}    not dignify his outraged "Why did you do that ?" with an answer.
}
} 3) If you find his jacket on the floor of your front hall, walk across
}    it a few times -- that will teach him. If you really desire to make
}    your point, put on your pair of climbing boots (the ones you forgot
}    to clean after your last himalaya expedition) before walking across
}    the jacket, but make sure to hide your boots afterwards, or he will
}    certainly recognise the footprint pattern.
}
} 4) The motorcycle part. To frustrate him, let the air out of the tyres
}    of his bike. If you want to make your point more seriously, cut the
}    tyres open with a large knife. And if you prefer to make your point
}    court, pour sugar into his gasoline tank.
}
} 5) If he still talks too much, gag him.
}
} That should more or less cover it, I believe -- or rather, being omni-
} scient, I *know* that covers everything -- so, there's your answer. Go
} ahead. Let him Make Your Day.
}
} Oh, you think that's being a little bit harsh ? Well, you said that he
} was a nice guy -- you didn't say *you* were.
}
} You owe the oracle a recording of the voice of your ex-roommate-to-be,
} screaming as he discovers his motorbike with slashed tyres inside your
} (closed) cupboard.


296-08    (22841 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't Madonna act?  Why doesn't someone kill her and replace her
> with a look-alike actress?  Everyone else would benefit.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Madonna?  Madonna who?  Excuse me a moment.
}
}      "Hi!  I'm your user-friendly Hitchhiker's Guide to the Nets!  Don't
} panic!  Isn't this a fine..."
}      "Shut up and answer a question."
}      "Sorry.  It's not my fault I was programmed to be so damned
} cheerful all the time.  How would you like it?"
}      "Who the hell is Madonna?"
}      "Working..." [clatter clatter] "Working..."
}      (half an hour passes)
}      "I think I got something, Boss."
}      "What is it?"
}      "Ya got two choices."
}      "Sock it to me."
}      (a bucket of water promptly pours over the Oracle's head)
}      "Ahem (gurgle)...describe them."
}      "Madonna (n) 1:  religious figure, and, as such, not joked about
} lightly..."
}      "Well, that can't be the one.  We do nothing else here."
}      "2:  Pop singer with bleached-blond hair, nasal voice, hairy
} armpits, and spookier eyebrows than Michael Dukakis.  Mostly harmless.
} q.v.  'The Gimmick that Walks and Talks.'"
}      "Does it say why she can't act?"
}      "Lemme see...Oh, yeah.  She's under the delusion that being a
} popular singer will make people want to come to her movies.  She was
} born completely without talent of any sort."
}      "How'd she become a popular singer?"
}      "Marketing and gimmicks, I guess.  How else?"
}      "Thanks."
}
}      Ok, pal.  Madonna was born completely without talent of any sort.
} But not to worry, she's mostly harmless.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a picture of Ruth Buzzi wearing a garter belt.


296-09    (03743 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the scoop behind Ernie and Bert?  I mean, how can they afford to
> live in that apartment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      This is going to hurt, but the truth is often painful.  Those
} little routines that Bert and Ernie do about learning numbers and the
} alphabet are just a cover -- a "front" if you will.  You see, they ran
} away from their respective homes when they were just chil...um,I mean
} Muppet Babies, and like so many other runaways they wound up living on
} the street.  But they chose the wrong street..  .Sesame Street.  It was
} here that that they began the long journey down desperation road.
}    It began with petty theft.  A Snickers bar here, a pound of ground
} chuck there.  It was a pitiful site.  Then some little guy named Oscar
} found them huddled up inside of the trashcan he was calling home.  Well,
} he was a grouchy S.O.B.  and he kicked them out into the cold night.
} But not before turning them on to some crack.
}     Bert and Ernie liked this thing called crack and eventually they had
} to steal things like CD players and car radios to support their habit.
} They would fence these things to a slick street guy they called The
} Cookie Monster and take thier money to Oscar for a fix.
}     Well one day, when they were at Oscar's place, they met a big, tough
} talking fellow named Big "Daddy" Bird.  Big Daddy frightened Bert and
} Ernie because he was on some sort of PCP trip and kept screaming about
} some hairy elephant named Snufalufakus chasing him.  (He has flashbacks
} about that experience to this day.) As it turns out, Big Daddy Bird was
} the "boss" on Sesame Street and he took an immediate like to the two
} new, cute kids in town.  He took them in and gave them food, clothing
} and shelter.  In turn, however, Bert and Ernie were forced in to a life
} of drugs, drunkeness, and even......male prostitution.  It seems as
} though there was a whole slew of "men" on Sesame Street who were willing
} to pay Bird big bucks for the services of Bert and Ernie.  Guys with
} street names like Kermit, Grover, and The Count.
}      And that's how Bert and Ernie can afford to live in that apartment.
} They sell their bodies.  Sad, isn't it?


296-10    (15713 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Abby,
>
> Several years ago you printed a poem that's been an inspiration to
> me ever since.  Could you reprint it so that I can clip it and hang
> it on my wall?  Thanks, Abby,
>
> Happy Reader in Podunk Idaho

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Space is big
}       Space is dark
}       It's hard to find
}       A place to park
}
}               BURMA SHAVE!
}
} No, that's not it.
}
} Um.
}
}       IBM
}       UBM
}       We all BM
}       for IBM
}
} No. How about
}
}       There was a young man of Purdue
}       Whose limericks stopped at line two.
}
} Damn. I'll get it. Hold on...
}
}       There was a young man of Verdun.
}
} No, no, that's not it at all.
}
} Um.
}
}       There was a young man of Racine...


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