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Internet Oracularities #298

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Usenet Oracularities #298    (18 votes, 2.6 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 30 Apr 91 08:37:59 -0500

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298   18 votes 34263 24831 47331 a4400 23940 17640 24741 43911 38430 15561
298   2.6 mean  3.1   2.8   2.4   1.7   2.8   2.7   2.9   2.6   2.4   3.1


298-01    (34263 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all wise Oracle, who knows exactly what the flight path of an unladen
> swallow is, please answer this humble supplicant in his quest for
> knowledge.
>
> A few days ago, I woke up with a strange crescent shaped mark on my
> right hand.  During the last few days I have discovered that if I
> concentrate upon the mark, I can channel my will and do wondrous things
> the likes of which have never been seen before (Like actually
> comprehending a math TA!) I have been striving to use my new-found
> abilities for good, but am still puzzled as to how I got them in the
> first place.  Can you tell me anything about the crescent mark?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A few days ago?  It wouldn't have been last Saturday night, would it?
} Ah, that explains it.  You don't remember much about what happened, do
} you?  Okay.  Okay, you can trust the old Oracle on this one.  Many
} beings, both mortal and immortal, when in the presence of another being
} trying to account for unexplained gaps in their memory (eg.  waking up
} in foreign cities with strange women) will invent colourful tales about
} how badly they did last night.  The unfortunate with the memory loss
} will be told that they were responsible for the hitherto unexplained
} stomach contents on the rosebush, or they will be told how disgusted the
} only single and attractive female/male (depending upon gender and/or
} known personal preference) in the place was after the said unfortunate
} made a very drunk effort at chatting up said single SO candidate.  The
} Oracle does not believe in fooling around like this.  It is bad enough
} trying to tell people the truth.
}
} The party you were at was gatecrashed by sixty-three small beings from
} the planet Snurfl.  These beings, who are two feet tall, purple, and
} like vomiting in rosebushes, picked someone at random to give mystical
} powers.  Yes.  It is YOU.
}
} The crescent-shaped mark is really just an outline of the croissant that
} they placed on your skin.  It is therefore not the mark that's abnormal,
} it's the rest of your skin.  You were not always a Negro.  It's just
} they messed with your mind to make you _think_ you're a Negro.
}
} You see, the croissant was a croissant endowed with mystical powers,
} which, when exposed to the light of the moon, gave you strange powers.
} (Actually, the light of any natural satellite will do, provided that it
} is revolving around the world that these beings are currently visiting.)
} The powers of the crescent are explained to you in the instruction
} manual.  What do you mean, "what instruction manual?" The one they left
} in the back pocket of your jeans, of course!  Oh.  You mean, when you
} woke up, you were wearing no clothes?  That is quite common, many people
} don't wear - Oh, you also couldn't find your clothes.  Well, that's not
} a problem.  Someone dropped them here a few days ago.  I do wish people
} wouldn't stop using the Oracle as a sort of omniscient lost-and-found
} centre.
}
} Anyway, instructions.  I'll just get them out of your pocket.  <shuffle
} shuffle unfold unfold> Ah, here we are.
}
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- CUT HERE -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
}
} INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE OF CROISSANT MIND CHANNELING DEVICE ver.1 rel.2
}
} (C) PURPLE BEINGS OF PLANET SNURFL.  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.  REPRODUCTION
} OF THESE INSTRUCTIONS BY ANY BEING EXCEPT THE PURPLE BEINGS OF PLANET
} SNURFL AND THEIR AUTHORISED AGENTS WILL RESULT IN PROSECUTION UNDER THE
} INTERGALACTIC COPYRIGHT LAWS.  PENALTY: DESTRUCTION OF YOUR HOME PLANET.
}
} [whew, those copyright laws are TOUGH! Lucky they gave me the authority]
}
} CONGRATULATIONS!  YOU ARE NOW THE PROUD OWNER OF THE "CROISSANT MIND
} CHANNELING DEVICE".  USED WITH CARE, THIS DEVICE WILL GIVE YOU A
} LIFETIME OF UTILITY AND PLEASURE AND GIVE YOU POWERS YOU ONLY DREAMED OF
} BEFORE!
}
} INSTALLATION
} ============
} 1.  UNCLOTHE, OR BE UNCLOTHED.
} 2.  AFTER GREASING THE DOLPHIN, INSERT...
}
} [well, I guess we can skip this part, since it's already installed.
} What, you want to know anyway?  Your clothes are on the way back to
} your home by registered mail, so you will get to find out.  Be
} warned: it is more embarassing than you think.]
}
} OPERATION
} =========
} TO FOCUS YOUR THOUGHTS:
} 1. CONCENTRATE ON THE MARK, SAYING "CRESCENT MARK, O CRESCENT MARK."
} 2. HAVING ENERGISED THE MARK THUS, NOW CONCENTRATE ON WHATEVER ELSE
}    YOU WISH TO FOCUS ON.  THE MARK WILL BE ENERGISED AS LONG AS YOU
}    WISH IT TO BE.
} 3. TO DEENERGISE THE MARK, STOP CONCENTRATING.
}
} TO PERFORM TELEKINESIS:
} 1. DIP THE MARK IN ANY HIGH OCTANE FUEL, TO GIVE THE MARK ADDITIONAL
}    ENERGY.
} 2. CONCENTRATE ON THE MARK, SAYING "CRESCENT MARK, O CRESCENT MARK."
} 3. WISH THE OBJECT TO MOVE.  TELL THE OBJECT "YOU HAVE THE MEANS TO
}    MOVE.  YOU CAN NOW MOVE.  MOVE THUSLY."  THE OBJECT WILL MOVE AS
}    YOU WISH IT TO MOVE, AND FOR AS LONG AS YOU WISH IT TO MOVE.
} 4. TO DEENGERGISE THE MARK, STOP CONCENTRATING, AND REMOVE THE MARK
}    FROM THE HIGH OCTANE FUEL.
} WARNING: BE SURE THE OBJECT IS AT REST AND IN A STABLE AND TENABLE
} POSITION BEFORE DEENERGISING, AS UNPREDICTABLE RESULTS MAY OCCUR.
}
} [No need to continue.  You have enough to keep you going until your
} clothes arrive with these instructions in them.  One more thing,
} though:]
}
} WARNING
} =======
} READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE PERFORMING A SPECIFIC FUNCTION.  THE
} MANUFACTURERS ARE NOT LIABLE FOR ANY LOSS OR INJURY THAT MAY OCCUR
} AS A RESULT OF NOT READING THESE INSTRUCTIONS.
}
} [Oh, dear.  I hope you were careful.]
}
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
}
} So there you have it.  It is - Oh, hang on a minute, someone's at the
} door.
}
} The oracle opens the door to see nineteen small purple beings from
} the planet Snurfl.  They are wearing suits.
}
} The Oracle: Good morning, beings.  How can I help you?
}
} Purple Beings: You quoted the Instructions without permission, didn't
}    you?
}
} TO: No, I am authorised.  Here's my card.
}
} <Purple beings squint at the card for a few minutes.>
}
} PB: Sorry, it's expired.
}
} TO: Expired?  It cannot be!
}
} PB: See the date?  Big Bang Era 14 589 839 382.  1989 in Earth measure.
}
} TO: But... but... I can explain....
}
} PB: I'm sure you can.  You have fourteen days, or this planet gets the
}     Big Zark.
}
} TO: Oh, shit, I've done it now....
}
} <Purple beings take off in a large pizza shaped spacecraft>
}
} Oracle returns to answering mail:
}
} Well, anyway, there are the instructions.  And there are a few other
} cautions as well.  Do not bend.  Keep out of reach of children.
} You know, the usual - Wait a moment.
}
} You don't believe a word of this, do you?  You think it was ME that
} went and did that to you?  You think I go around to parties and do
} things like that, then lie about it if I'm asked about it afterwards?
} Well, I'll PROVE it.  I won't appeal to the Purple Beings from the
} Planet Snurfl.  I'll just let it lapse.  Then they will come and
}
}       B L O W   T H I S   P L A N E T   T O   B I T S ! ! !
}
} How do you like that, eh?  How does it feel to be responsible for
} the Ultimate Ecological Damage, 1e+12 times worse than the Exxon
} Valdez? Just you wait until May 10, when the fourteen days are up!
} Then you'll be sorry!
}
} You owe the Oracle refugee status for the Oracle on any nearby world
} with sentient beings.


298-02    (24831 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>    What is a hymen and how do I get rid of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Long shrouded in primitive ritual and religious ceremony, the rupturing
} of the hymen has today become a routine matter, involving a brisk
} afternoon's work with tools found in most suburban basements.  As
} instructions for this simple procedure can be found in any handyman's
} guide, the Oracle will just provide a few helpful footnotes and
} warnings.
}
} 1) Handle all corrosive liquids with extreme care.
}
} 2) Most vacuum cleaners cannot provide sufficient suction.
}
} 3) Drill bits should not exceed 3/16 inch.


298-03    (47331 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> DEEAR ORACUUL:
>
> II AM AGENTT SKIPPYY, AN ATARII ELECTRIIC-MIDGETT, ANDD MEE AND MY
> FELLOWW AGENTSS ARE IN THE PROCESSS OF DISSABLINGG OURR HUMAAN OWNERSS
> AND TAKINGG OVERR THE USENETT AND BUYINGG TWO ELECTRICC EEL FARMSS IN
> CANADA. II HAVE MANAGGED TO TURN MYSSELF INTO A VIRUSS AND AM DOINGG A
> GOOD JOB OFF DISRUPTINGG THE POSTSS HUMANSS ARE PUTTINGG IN THEE
> ALT.ELECTRIC-MIDGETT NEWSGROUP SO THEYY CAN'TT COMPARE WAYSS OF
> DISSABLING USS. WHATT II NEED TO KNOWW FROM YOUU ISS: HOW DO II GET MYY
> STUPID TWIN BROTHER THE PRESIDENTT OF THE UNITED SSTATESS TO PET AN
> ELECTRIC EEL SO HE DIESS AND I CAN TAKE OVER HISS JOB? THISS ISS VERRY
> IMPORTANT TO USS MIDGETSS, AS WWE WANTT TO RUN THE WORLDD. I FEELL
> CONFIDENTT ASKING YOUU THISS, AS YOUU ARE A MACHINE, TOO, ANDD HAVE NO
> REMORSE ABOUTT DOING THINGSS TO STUPID HUMANSS WHO ABUSE FOLKSS LIKE
> US. PLEASE, INFORMATION ON HOWW TO GET GEORGE TO PET AN ELECTRIC EEL
> WHILE HE'SS IN THE TUBB. THANK YOU.
>
> SKIPPY
>
> P.S. AS PAYMENT, WE CANN GIVE YOUU SOLE RIGHTSS TO THE JELL-O
>      FACTORIESS. IF MY FELLOWW REBELSS DDO NOT AGREE WITH THISS, TOUGH
>      SSHIT.. II WILL BE PRESIDENTT ANDD THEY CAN'TT SSTOP ME. ANYWAYY.
>      II THINK THEYY WILL AGREE, SSINCE IT'SS A SMALL PRICE TO PAYY FOR
>      OUR FREEDOMM.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Skippy,
}
}         Everyone that I know is scared to death of electric eels,
} and I am sure that your brother is no different.  I have a better
} idea for you.
}         I understand that, being from Texas and all, your brother is
} a big fan of country music.  I also understand that he likes to be
} serenaded while in the bathtub and often has one of his maids come
} in while he is bathing and sing to him?  Well, why not combine the
} two?  I'm sure Georgie just LOVES Ricky Skaggs.
}         Only thing is, my boyfriend knows Ricky personnally and he
} says that Ricky is just too good of an ol' boy to go around killing
} people.  But I know a real bad boy from the back hills named Bobby
} Joe Beasly who can do a mean impersonation of Ricky and would be more
} than happy to do in the president, being a born and raised Democrat
} and all.
}         So what we do is have ol' Bobby Joe pay Mr. President a visit,
} and I'll make sure he brings along that 'lectric banjo of his,  and
} than while Bobby Joe is a strummin' along and George is clapping on
} one and three, he'll subtly drop the banjo in the tub and yell, SORRY,
} FRIEND!  George will be nothing more than a fried chitlin' then!
}
} You owe the oracle that Jello Factory


298-04    (a4400 dist, 1.7 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your X-planation of X-Face has left me X-tremely confused. What is
> 'faces', and where can I obtain it?
>
> Yours in X-uberantly X-cited oracularity

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am going to personally MURDER Mr. Steve Kinzler for adding "faces"
} without a detailed explanation.  The number of requests that I get
} about this is X-tremely (o shit, now I'M doing it!) large.
}
} As you may know, there is a windowing system for Unix machines that
} have big graphics displays or special intelligent graphics terminals.
} This is called X, or X Windows.  Anyhow, there is a program called
} "faces" that runs under X; it looks for a chunk of data in the header
} of a mail message and if it finds it, it gets from it a digitized
} low-res picture of the face of the person who sent the mail, and
} displays it.
}
} You need to have a Unix machine running X, and habitually use either
} the machine's own big display, or a special terminal called an
} X-terminal. If you have that, you can use ftp to transfer from any of a
} number of sites (including iuvax.cs.indiana.edu) the source code to the
} "faces" program, install it on your machine, and use it.  Pretty
} useless because few people send "faces" data in mail messages.
}
} Of course, many sites cannot do ftp: you need the right sort of
} connection to Internet.  Ask your local system gurus about all this.
}
} [Supplement:  "faces" also works under the NeWS, SunView and XView
}  windowing systems.  You do need Unix.  iuvax.cs.indiana.edu is
}  the only anonymous ftp site with the most current version of faces.
}  But, you don't need ftp, it's also available via the iuvax
}  mail-server, mailserv@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu, or the rb mail-server,
}  rb-archive-server@aus.sun.com.  It's good for more than monitoring
}  e-mail -- there are a number of other applications and the
}  ability to customize.  There are large face databases available
}  so that you see faces even without X-Face's in mail headers.
}  BTW, the Oracle's "face" looks like an eye looking out of a
}  terminal screen.  -sk]


298-05    (23940 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From:   DOE, JANE            [name changed -sk]
>
> OH GRACIOUS ORACLE, PLEASE TELL ME WHY IT NEVER RAINS IN SOUTHERN
> CALIFORNIA?
>
> DOE, JANE
> Student

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I must confess, for a moment, I thought this was another one of the
} questions of the form:
}
} From:    STUDENT, DUNDERHEADED
}
} DUMB QUESTION STRAIGHT FROM HELL, COULD BE FOUND IN AN ENCYCLOPEDIA?
}
} STUDENT, DUNDERHEADED
} Student
}
} However, not only have you asked a simple question that requires that I
} delve into the depths of metaphysics to answer for you, but you have
} also added a small amount of grovelling.  I like you Doe, Jane you may
} may continue to ask questions.
}
} Now, as for your question, Why doesn't it ever rain in Southern
} California?
}
} Well, few people know the answer to this, and I am one of the people
} who do know the CORRECT answer, but first, lets go over some of the
} wrong answers you may have heard, just to set the record straight.
}
} THE FALSE PREMISE THEORY:
}
} This answer is very simple, and also very wrong and goes something like
} this: "You are mistaken dear child, it does in fact rain in Southern
} California every once in a while."  This is of course, wrong, it
} doesn't rain in Southern California, if it did, it wouldn't have place
} names like Beautiful Downtown Burbank (nothing is beautiful when it
} rains), the travel brochures would also not say "Come to Sunny
} California" because it would in fact, be raining there according to
} this theory.  Since the travel brochures do, in fact, say "Come to
} Sunny California" it must never rain there.  Right, right.  Let's move
} on.
}
} THE PSEUDO-SCIENCE THEORY:
}
} This theory pretends to go into a lot of technical-sounding jargon
} about the wind flow, and the barometer rating, and the jet stream, but
} when analysed, usually boils down to hogwash or something as simple as
} "It doesn't rain in Southern California because it doesn't."  Which is
} circular reasoning and therefore right out.  Anything that sounds even
} vaguely technical is wrong.  OK?
}
} THE SMOG THEORY:
}
} Another complete washout as answers to this question goes.  The smog
} theory says that while it does rain in Souther California, the water
} is trapped by the smog and never reaches the ground.  This is plainly
} silly, water is a liquid, and smog is a gas, and a gas can't hold up a
} liquid, it's that simple.
}
} THE CORRECT ANSWER:
}
} And here it is, the answer you've been waiting for, and it comes in the
} form of a story:
}
}       Many moons ago, when the sky was dark and there was no sun yet
} circling the Earth, the gods used the area now called Southern
} California as a playground.  And even though there was no sun, it was
} still a bummer to play there when it was raining.  So the gods, who had
} control over everything decreed that it shall never rain in Southern
} California.  Being as there was no sun to distinguish between day and
} night, they didn't have rules about when it was time to play, and when
} it was time to sleep, and they also didn't have mommies to enforce the
} rules, so from that day on, it has never rained in Southern California.
}
} There you go, hope you enjoyed it.


298-06    (17640 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who does it summon when I say
>     SATOR
>     AREPO
>     TENET
>     OPERA
>     ROTAS
>
> ("The creator, moving slowly, perceives his creations as vortices")?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nobody.  Go on, say it as often as you like.  Say it in pig-Latin-Latin
} ("Ator-say arepoway enet-tay operaway otas-ray.")  Say it whilst
} standing on your head in a pentacle with black candles at the vertices.
}  Waste hours or days or weeks doing this sort of shit.  Nobody is going
} to be summoned.
}
} Unless your neighbors find out what you are doing.  They will summon
} the mental health authorities.
}
} You owe the Oracle...oh, heck, the Oracle owes you Its copy of Reginald
} Scot's _The Discoverie of Witchcraft_, which has got to be the most
} boring piece of dreck amongst books widely considered influential.


298-07    (24741 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, this is Jen again.  I told you about Mandy borrowing my face
> for a date and not giving it back, and she wanted to borrow my tits as
> well, and you said I should let her so the parts will match.  So anyway
> I did that and Mandy said Well you might as well let me borrow some
> more of you so I let her have my hair and my ears and my voice box and
> my crotch and she gave me hers and so now I look and talk just like
> Mandy used to except I'm taller and Mandy looks and talks like me
> except she's shorter but I think when my Mom visits she'll think I'm
> Mandy and Mandy is me. So Mandy says Jen you look real cute as me and
> now I think I do too and I think my personality really goes better with
> these looks so wise Oracle should we stay this way and let people think
> I'm Mandy and Mandy is me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time
}   in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its
}   mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.
}     "Who are _You_?" said the Caterpillar.
}   This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.  Alice
}   replied, rather shyly, "I-I hardly know, Sir, just at present -
}   at least I know who I _was_ when I got up this morning, but I
}   think I must have been changed several times since then."
}
} I might have been a bit more sparing with my advice if I had
} known how far you were going to go with it.  You're treading
} on dangerous ground, now.  Depending on how many parts you
} exchange with Mandy, the question may no longer be 'Should
} I let people think I'm Mandy?' but instead 'Am I Mandy?'  More
} and more every day scientists are discovering just how much
} of the typical human's thought processes are distributed among
} their various parts.  It's long been bandied about that men
} think too much with their dicks - with recent research, this
} is now accepted as fact by leading experts.  Personality is
} especially tied up in appearance.  Mandy may be trying to
} exchange personalities with you.  A dead giveaway would be
} if she offered to exchange brains with you.  On the other hand,
} maybe you would like to have a personality more along the
} lines of Mandy's.  But seeing as how all this part-switching
} stuff was her idea in the first place, I think that even if
} you did end up with Mandy's personality, you wouldn't be
} satisfied with it for long.  Once you've figured out whether
} or not you want to try to retain your old personality, you
} should probably take the following test to determine whether
} or not your personality has changed.  You should answer twice
} for each question - your present answer and how the old Jen
} would have answered.
}
} 1. What's your favorite fish?
} 2. Do you need to lose weight?
} 3. What are you wearing?
} 4. Would you sleep with the lead singer of Bon Jovi?  Even though
}      he's married now?
} 5. Do you really think the Oracle can help you solve your problems?
} 6. How long do you plan to spend answering these questions?
} 7. What odds do you give Evander Hollyfield against Mike Tyson?
}
} If you are comfortable with your answers to these questions, you are
} comfortable with who you are and I salute you as a human of either
} remarkable advancement or even more remarkable conceit.  In the
} meantime feel free to call yourself Mandy.
}
} But the important thing to keep in mind is:
} Make sure you keep the tongue of the one who enjoys lentil soup the
} most!


298-08    (43911 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who are "Asskickers of the fantastic"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Asskickers of the Fantastic is the new band the Oracle is getting
} together with God, Satan, and Zeus.  Zeus is on bass, Satan plays the
} keyboard, God's on drums, and the Oracle play guitar and is lead
} singer.  The first album, coming out soon, is titled "Polytheism in the
} Paradise of Hell."  AotF can be seen opening for New Kids on the Block
} on their next tour.  Something getting a lot of airplay right now on
} Radio Mount Olympus is our first single, "You Stole My Heart, so I
} Struck You Down With a Lightening Bolt" Right now we can be seen at
} "Cafe Paradiso" (The same place John Lennon, Elvis Presley, Jimi
} Hendrix, Jim Morrison, and Keith Moon have formed their new band, "The
} Coffin Five").
}
} You owe the Oracle front row seats to BeatleMania and a backstage pass
} to 2 Live Crew.


298-09    (38430 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty, omniscient, and omnipotent Oracle --
>
> How do they get the toilet paper just right, so that it only tears when
> you want it to??  This is central to my philosophy of life... I must
> know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I hope this doesn't make it into the Oracularities, or else
} everyone in the entire Universe is going to call me up and ask me
} what brand of toilet paper you use, as no one else's tears in the
} right place.  Everyone else's usually tears in the most inc|nvenient
} fashion possible, so that the entire roll must be shredded to wipe
} one's bottom, thus making it necessary to go and buy more toilet
} paper.  A kind of planned obsolescence, if you will.
}       Your brand, however, is imbued with small mind reading spirits
} actually embossed into the paper, who pre-tear it for you at exactly
} the right place.
}       You owe the Oracle some magazines to read while on the pot.


298-10    (15561 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise and puissant, please tell me:
>
> What can I do to get an A on my Archaeology final?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your signature says that you are a woman at Case Western Reserve.
} Now, if this incarnation of the Oracle were not a gentleman, It would
} make a vile suggestion that would cause any good woman to slap Its
} face.
}
} And you used the word "puissant."  And you spelled it properly.  I'm in
} love.  Madly in love with you.  Of course you're probably a man in
} electronic drag, but at least you do a great impersonation of a woman.
}
} Oh, your final.  Well, study very very hard.  In the movie "The Eiger
} Sanction" Our Hero is a professor who also does contract killings for
} government agencies.  A lovely young woman goes to him and says that
} she will do anything for a good grade on the final.  Our Hero tells her
} that she should go to her dorm room, slip into something comfortable
} and loose fitting, dim the lights a little, and...STUDY.
}
} Go thou and do likewise.


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