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Internet Oracularities #299

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299, 299-01, 299-02, 299-03, 299-04, 299-05, 299-06, 299-07, 299-08, 299-09, 299-10


Usenet Oracularities #299    (20 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 2 May 91 14:18:47 -0500

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299   20 votes 13664 24257 34463 13952 49430 06b21 32654 37910 44921 47441
299   2.9 mean  3.5   3.5   3.1   3.2   2.3   2.9   3.2   2.4   2.6   2.5


299-01    (13664 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most hot and exciting oracle, I have been trying to answer a
> question about life.  But, since I am lacking the gray matter that you
> posses, could you please answer it for me.
>       Because of a technicality, I lost a GTA position that I had been
> after for over a year.  Will I ever get to go to graduate school?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The future is a peculiar place.  As many have surmised, it is
} indeterminate: A probability distribution rather than a unique path.
} Only the Oracle has the massive mental mechanics to examine this
} meandering morass of multifarious mazes and distangle its twisted and
} tortuous turnings to discover their determined direction.  The Oracle
} is good at alliteration, too.  Let's examine a few possible paths lying
} before you:
}
}     #134) (probability 4.5%) You are accepted to graduate school next
}     semester, after spending the intervening months working at Burger
}     King.  You are offered a surprisingly generous assistantship, which
}     you accept happily.  You travel to central Nebraska to take up your
}     new position, where you are captured by white slavers, branded, and
}     sold to a brothel in Teheran.
}
} That one doesn't sound so nice.  You can avoid it by not having corned
} beef for lunch tomorrow.
}
}     #512) (probability 0.04%) You receive a letter in two weeks
}     apologizing profusely for the error processing your application.
}     Two vital forms were accidentally placed in another students'
}     folder.  They beg you to forgive them and not to sue their asses
}     black and blue.  You decide to do so, but cut yourself on the
}     envelope when you try to mail them your acceptance of the position.
}      You die of blood poisoning within hours.
}
} Better, but still not nice.  Be sure to wear blue socks tomorrow.
}
}     #688) (probability 54.7%) You are never accepted to any graduate
}     school, and struggle for several years in a succession of
}     unsatisfying low-level jobs.  One day, while working late to meet a
}     deadline, you meet the daughter of the chairman of the board, who
}     is captivated by your winning smile.  After a whirlwind romance,
}     you are married, and promoted to Vice President for Development and
}     Research.
}
} Now that's more like it!  Just the kind of future the Oracle likes to
} see. And to make certain that it happens, all you have to do is...
} lemme see... don't ask the Oracle if you'll go to grad. school.
}
} Oh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and a
} glass of orange juice.


299-02    (24257 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise and Powerful Oracle,
>     Please answer my one deepest question.  Why do girls who join
> sororities become such bitches and sluts?  Is there any way I can keep
> my girlfriend from joining one?
>                                      -- Cathy's Dude

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Twas the night before finals at the Delta Mu house
} Not a sister was studying nor wearing a blouse
} The seniors were hanging their douche bags with care
} And picking crabs out of their dark pubic hair.
} Their fingernails polished, hair perfectly spritzed,
} Heading to town to get totally blitzed.
} Looking for Porsches, and Volvos, and Rolls,
} Tight Spandex accenting the means to their goals.
} Muffy was cleaning her leather and lace
} As Shelly begged Milly to sit on her face.
} Foundation was flying, the rouge on the puffs
} Fixing their cheekbones while shaving their muffs.
} Debbie was pulling on denim so tight
} To make sure that no geeks got in there tonight.
} Searching for mai-tais and fortune and fame
} Dreaming of Gold Cards engraved with their name.
} We only screw money, our deans and our jocks
} The hell with the health food, bring bagels and lox!
} We're bitches on Mondays, on Tuesdays we're sluts
} On Wednesdays we strap on fake dildos and nuts
} Thursdays we all pile up in one big bed
} It's chain cunnilingus, just watch those legs spread!
} On Fridays we find the best parties in town
} And drink all their Chivas, Jack Daniels, and Crown.
} On Saturday we shop till we drop in the stores
} And call independents dumb bastards and whores.
} On Sundays we're angels, we never miss mass
} The priest probably needs him a good piece of ass.
} And when the week's over we all need our rest
} Our eyes slowly close, the sun sets in the west.
} We're the stuck up slut bitches of dear Delta Mu
} Can't you see, you dumb bastard, we're too good for you!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Beta-release Alpha Delta Pi, deloused.


299-03    (34463 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh kind and military Oracle, whose gonadses are like unto supreme
> rhodiums, I abase myself in the face of your cosmic intelligence.  Why
> did Ivan the Terrible just steal my referee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a beautiful day for football, folks, and that's what we're going
} to have: Football!  And the two teams are just coming onto the field...
} from my right, the Czars of All the Russias!  And from my left, 50
} scrawny computer geeks!!!
}
} <Crowd cheering>
}
} Here's the opening kickoff... Peter the Great drops back.. he's got it
} on the 10... the 20... the 30... Ooh!  Now's there's a REAL hit for
} you!  That geek isn't getting up anytime soon!  Peter is passing
} mid-field... there's no one near him! ... TOUCHDOWN!  They don't call
} him "Great" for nothing, ladies and gentlemen!
}
} <Crowd cheering>
}
} Nicholas the First is kicking for the Czars... it's up and caught on
} the twenty by a geek from Purdue.  He's to the 25... 30... Wow!  What a
} hit by Ivan the Terrible!  I think he's actually taken that boy's head
} off. There's blood all over the field - penalty!  The referee has
} called a penalty on Ivan, and is conferring with the back judge.
} Spearing!  It's a spearing call on Ivan, and the geeks will get 15
} yards for that one.  Ivan is plenty mad now... What? He's back out on
} the field with a troop of kossaks!  He's grabbed the referee, and he's
} carrying him off to the locker rooms!!  We've heard some pretty
} gruesome stories about the goings-on in that Czarist lockerroom; I
} wouldn't want to be that referee today.
}
} <Crowd cheering>
}
} You owe the Oracle a better sound-effects generator.


299-04    (13952 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There, see it?  Have you looks and talk just right path of an unladen
> swallow is, please tell me:  What is a hymen and exit visas were
> imminent.  I understand, ice-weasels come.  Have you underneath.  At
> night, pondering to fill thing a recent shaped me it was not a math TA!
> I have a 49a, a 19, a x23b, and forever sleep or snowmobile and Mandy
> and let him then kill him, or let her have a question of X-Face has
> been seeking her out an acceptable and forever sleep or snowmobile
> again.  I told your wisdom 'cuz I'm mighty pissed at my fool friend.
> He still puzzled as to how do to get pregnant in seen before.  Like
> actually mean that I'm mighty, omnipotent Oracle Way, I can I cared.
> Love is like me except she's shorter but the foe, whirling a mighty
> master, for good, but am still puzzled as to how I got the Hell's mah
> Money?  Affairs?  Oh Oracle Way.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Now you've got my attention!  That question just crashed the
} ADVANCED ORACLE QUESTION PARSING FACILITY and I hope you're happy with
} yourself.   After sifting through thousands of pieces of netmail a
} minute for the gov..  er, for fun, i mean.  After sifting through
} thousands of pieces of mail and credit transactions, arrest reports,
} electric, phone, air, bus, gas bills and medical records in order to
} compile files on every living being with a social security # for the..
} er, for fun, you crash it with a silly message! Well, rest assured when
} this goes in your little file next to the incident when you and the
} neighborhood kids played "Catch The Leg" with the poor old deceased
} Reverend Scruggs you wont be working for the FBI!! So There!
}
} You owe the oracle four ordered sorts, three linked lists, two hex
} dumps and a node in a binary tree.


299-05    (49430 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Whazza matter?  Forgot your question?  Or are you just awestruck by
} my awesome, 100Gbyte, glorious splendor?
}
} Yep.  That's it.  My splendor.  Well, put on some sunglasses (veerrry
} dark) to help shade out some of this brilliant light and I will help
} you find your question.  What's that?  You just wanted to SEE my glory
} and that's all?? Well!  I'm flattered!  Thank you very much.  But I
} would really like a question from you.
}
} What's that?  Your question is: "Why are you so splendiforous, O
} magnificent Oracle?"  Well, it because of all the questions that I
} answer from day to day. The more questions I answer, the more glorious
} and famous I become.  The 220v line from the three-phase wires outside
} help some too.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything.  You have paid enough with your
} worship and groveling.  Thank you.


299-06    (06b21 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great O.  Who's shoes I'm not even worthy of cleaning
> with my tongue,
>
> I am looking for an adventure,  were can I find one?
> (If you could, preferably one like Indy has)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant-Who-Does-Not-Know-the-Correct-Possessive-of-"Who":
}       You seek a grave and dangerous thing.  Adventures like Indy
} has are few and far between and Steven Spielberg bought the rights
} to about three-fourths of them.
}       The ones that are left aren't nearly as good, either.
} There's "[Hero's Name] and the Squant, Brown Rock" and "[Hero's
} Name] and the Nagging Girlfriend" and "[Hero's Name] and the Really
} Bad Paper Cut" and that's about it.
}       What I would advise you to do is try something a little
} safer than "Indy Adventures" (TM) for the time being.  Maybe start
} by trying to cash an out-of-state check at a department store.  Or
} by claiming the person in front of you at the supermarket is going over
} the ten item limit with his two six-packs.  Or by kill a rabbit with
} your bare hands and ripping its skin off with your teeth.
}       After you do these simple and every day things a few times,
} then you'll be able to build up to more exciting adventures -- like
} "[Hero's Name] and the Old Head of Lettuce."
}
} You owe the Oracle the international distribution rights to "[Hero's
} Name] and the Ninteen Drunk Co-eds."


299-07    (32654 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omni* oracle, who is always <insert complementary attribute here>,
> and also has the <adjective> <noun>.  Please bestow upon me, your
> humble <noun>, the benefit of your knowledge.
>
> Tell me why is Immanuel Kant so hard to read? What is the reason for
> his obtuse abstract writing style in 'Prolegomena to Any Future
> Metaphysics"?
>
> mortally yours,
> saul supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh such grovelling.  You are truly a(n) <adjective-positive>
} <noun-singular>, so unlike the other <noun-plural>, who tend to <verb>
} so <adjective-negative>.  It really <verb-singular> me off when
} <pronoun-plural> <verb-plural> me such <adjective> <noun-plural>.
}
}       Now on to your <noun>.  The reason the <noun-plural> of
} <noun-proper-singular> are so <adjective> <verb-infinitive> is because
} when <pronoun-singular> was <verb-progressive> <noun-proper-singular>
} and his <adjective> works, he was also <verb-singular> drugs of
} <adjective> types.  <pronoun-singular> also <verb-progressive-past> in
} another <noun-singular>, <noun-proper-singular>, and
} <verb-progressive> into English.
}
} <helping-verb-singular> <indicator> <verb-helped>
} <possesive> <noun-singular> <adverb>?
}
} You owe the Oracle a parser.


299-08    (37910 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was humpty dumpty pushed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes he was.
}
} Mr. Dumpty was visiting a very seductive Little Miss Muffet in the wee
} hours of the evenings.  Things got very serious between them, but
} Humpty easily tired of the bedroom activities because Miss Muffet was
} on a low cholestrol diet and wouldn't swallow.   He started calling
} upon Jack Sprat's wife in secrecy.  Well, Jack and Miss Muffet weren't
} stupid, and one day when Humpty was sitting on this wall writing his
} mistress a poem, Jack spied up to him, and...
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the new Mother Goose Book of Pornography.


299-09    (44921 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do women use vaginal douches?  Why are they so happy about them on
> TV commercials?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Women don't actually use douches of any kind.  It's all
} part of the campaign to make men uncomfortable.  Douche
} commercials, tampon commercials, sanitary napkin commercials,
} feminine hygiene spray commercials, vaginal contraceptive
} suppository commercials -- all a hoax, perpetrated by the
} underground matriarchy which holds all the power in the
} United States.
}
} Ever notice how all these products are placed in one part
} of the store?  That's so males can't stand around, looking
} at something that supposedly interests them, and
} monitoring the consumption of these items.  Occasionally, a
} woman will buy one of these products, to keep men off
} their guard.  But do they actually use them?  No.  They
} return them to the store when men aren't looking.  All
} the feminine hygiene products in stores today have existed
} since 1950, when women found natural ways to suppress
} menstration, ovulation, and any odors they found to be
} unpleasant.
}
} You owe the oracle a remote control that recognizes
} the words, "Mom, do you douche?", and immediately
} changes the channel.
}
} O@D/pc


299-10    (47441 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My father was a good woman.  My mother was a distinguished old
> gentleman. I am either a fine young lady or a handsome young man, but I
> can't tell which.  Please help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Och, another tragic case of gender term confusion.  Obviously the
} result of these idiots who want to outlaw all gender specific words
} from the english language.  By all that is decent and holy, if I ever
} hear the word chairperson again I'll scream.  Not to mention sanitation
} engineer. Where I come from, a man's a man, and a woman's a woman, and
} a janitor's a janitor and there ain't no such animal as a custodial
} engineer.  Anyway this fine person has a problem, and I'm honor bound
} to help the poor soul. Young sir, or madam, as the case may be, I see
} that you are deeply troubled, but there is a solution.  "Hooked on
} Phonics" that classic material that helps you learn to read, by setting
} the instructions to music just might help you.  You see, the good, wise
} people at "Hooked On Phonics" Inc. know the value of gender specific
} nouns and pronouns and after relearning how to read with their
} incredible cassettes, your dilemma should be solved.
}
} You owe the Oracle a... What's that?  You already know how to read.
}
} Oh, well, this Orbital Mind Control Laser should take care of that,
} draing the knowledge out of your head in moments.  Hold please.
}
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!
}
} There you go, now rush and order "Hooked on Phonics"
}
} You owe the Oracle a message to the Hooked on Phonics people that they
} owe me 10% commission for this.


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