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21 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 6:06:39 GMT

Internet Oracularities #3

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3, 3-01, 3-02, 3-03, 3-04, 3-05, 3-06, 3-07, 3-08, 3-09, 3-10


Usenet Oracularities #3
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 9 Oct 89 22:11:53 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


3-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the meaning of life, if any?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The meaning of life, my child, is a complex idea, far beyond the mental
} capacities of mortals.  However, life is like a computer program, some
} are good, some are bad, all have different functions.  And when you are
} done, you must pay the author so get a better registered version.


3-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, please answer me this :
>
> I have recently acquired the urge to get severely beaten by a good
> woman.  Unfortunately a good woman with complimentary urges is hard
> to come by.  Where exactly can I get one from and how do I recognise
> that she is indeed the one for me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}          The person in question may acquire such a female in any given
} leather bar in the SF Bay Area.  The person will know that the woman
} is the one for him/her because his/her name will be tatooed on her
} left buttock.


3-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how may one obtain true wisdom in this world without the use of a 31 MIP
> color UNIX workstation with two 351 megabyte disks and internet access?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wisdom cannot be achieved through the mere use of a colour Unix
} workstation even if it does have two 351 megabyte disks AND internet
} access.  For true wisdom one requires a black and white workstation for
} this provides greater resolution and a far steadier display.  Until you
} possess this you will never know true wisdom.
}
} Take it from me, though - true wisdom ain't all it's cracked up to be.


3-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whenever I eat mushrroms with a delicate cream sauce, I have an
> overwelming urge to blind people I don't even know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Astoundingly, even to the ever-wise and all-knowing ORIFICE,
} 'er ORACLE, your problem is you cannot spell properly.
}
} MUSH-R-ROMS are ROMS that are to be used to store copyrighted (R)
} software (MUSH).  "Mushrooms" or "rooms" as we used to say in the
} context of "za" at the Oregon State AbNormal School for Oracles
} are for eating!  Since MUSH-R-ROMS are irradiated in order to
} store data, it is clear that the radiation has disturbed your
} lateral geniculate and has given you "seer" envy, in which you
} blind innocent bystanders, and ask the ORACLE, dumb questions.
}
} To avoid this problem in the future where "Seer-Sucker" PJs!
}
} Signed,
}
} ORACLE,  speaker of truth, cross-licenser of patents, and mentor
}          to Soderbloom.


3-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to come by bike tomorrow. Will the weather be good enough ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Little acid raindrop in the air of ASDARTZ, third planet of Betelgeuse.
} As you choose not to show the right attitude with respect to Us, the
} great Usenet Oracle, you will be punished.
}
} Thus it was said, that on every day two-wheeled transportation was
} choosen, rain was falling on you.  And, further it was said, that on
} every day four-wheeled transportation was choosen, the sun was heating
} your squirmy almost invisible brain out.
}
} And remember!  Those who want to walk in the sun, take their umbrella
} with them, and those who expect rain, take swimming lessons.


3-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a problem with extreme flatulence.  Whenever I move suddenly, a
> great gust of methane erupts from my buttocks.  This can be extremely
> embarassing at times, especially when the said eruption is accompanied
> by a noise not unlike a chorus of trumpeteers.
>
> I'm at my wits end.  What can I do ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Maybe if you whistle a horn part along with it no one will notice.


3-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, tell me: Why are people so stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One day, a man, who though himself better than most, sought to find a
} measure for that most godly of gifts, intelligence (not to be confused
} with military intelligence, which is disapproved of by both the gods
} and Groucho Marx). So he defined a number, which was 100 for an mediocre
} brain, higher for a better, and lower for a worse.
}
} However, as a part of the Great Convenant between the gods and men, the
} Divine Normalisation Institute (DNI) ruled that every rating should be
} between 0 and 100, 100 indicating a maximum. Thus, man was condemned to
} mediocrity.


3-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is there kiwi fruit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       There are Kiwi fruits so that there is more food that you cn
} laugh at.  Think about it, how much food can you really laugh at?  Not
} much.  Rice is a staple, as is potatoes, pasta, and flour.  Therefore
} there needs to be something to laugh at, thus kiwi fruit.  Ever look
} at a Kiwi fruit?  It does not even look right, now does it?  I mean,
} really, what kind of fruit looks fuzzy and green.  If I saw something
} like that sitting on the counter, I would figure it to be a lime gone
} bad, but no, it's a kiwi.
}       So Kiwi's are here to confound and amuse.
}       Have a lemon.


3-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the following exist: (a) pain and suffering
>                             (b) Beverly Hillbillies reruns
>                             (c) Films starring John Travolta
> ... and are they related?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} a) pain & suffering exist for the indulging in sexual pleasures.
} b) beverly hillbillies reruns exist to get the male organ going for elle
}    may.
} c) so males can feel superior, for everyone looks better than travolta.
}
} Yes they are related for without these how could one live a life for
} of sin.


3-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have had diarrhea now for several years and a diagnosed,
> stress-induced spastic colon. Is there anything I can do, oh mighty
> one, to stop this seething flow of bubblin' crude?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Take Peto-Bismol


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