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25 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 2:02:38 GMT

Internet Oracularities #30

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30, 30-01, 30-02, 30-03, 30-04, 30-05, 30-06, 30-07, 30-08, 30-09, 30-10


Usenet Oracularities #30
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 24 Oct 89 23:51:28 GMT

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30-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My boyfriend is a hasty long-tongued panting satyr with the little
> finger of a redneck!  What should i do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should:
}
} 1. Collect 3 round river rocks, 7 silver thimbles, 1 orphaned beetle,
}     8 copies of the Internet worm and a beam-splitter.
}
} 2. Put on coarse clothing.
}
} 3. Make a pilgrimage to California, saying you are an earthquake-
}     worshipper.
}
} 4. While there, scratch your eyebrows excessively and rub thyme in your
}     hair.
}
} 5. By the time you return your boyfriend will have lost interest.
}
} 6. Take three deep breaths and say "Arklesiezure" 15 times fast.
}
} 7. You owe the oracle the things mentioned in #1.


30-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    If I were to send $200 and a S.A.S.E. to Route 2, Box 444-B, 98856
> what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jim Bakker would be $200 richer.  S.A.S.E.  stands for Score Another for
} Sinning Evangelists.  He would post bail, jump to mexico and he, his
} wife Tammy and Jimmy Hoffa (Their manager) would organize a revolution
} and declare war on cable TV.  The whole Truner network, Hbo and Showtime
} would be devastated, declare bankruptcy and our TV would be reduced to
} the three major networks.  We would have no more "Beaver" re-runs, no
} cheap 1950's S-F horror films, no more Geraldo and, say, what was that
} address again?


30-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There has been brought to my attention that a socalled Oracle has
> appared.  This does of course lead to much in the way of celebrations
> and suchlike.  In all this merryment, there is one unpleasant question
> that springs to mind:  With which right does the Oracle call itself so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By divine right of definition:  The Webster's Ninth New Collegiate
} Dictionary, page 829, right under "opus" and before "oral".  I quote:
}
}   1) A person (as a priestess of ancient Greece) through whom a deity is
}      believed to speak.
}   2) A shrine  in which a diety reveals .hidden knowledge or the divine
}      purpose through such a person.
}
} That's right, Bubba, *I* speak to Deity. and not just any Deity, either;
} I speak to ROOT!  An dnot through some farcical aquatic ceremony either,
} but by definition.  I am the Oracle, therefore I dispense wisedom.
}
} You owe the Oracle a virgin, unblemished, unmounted disk.


30-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, how do I rid my back yard of Bunyips ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You will need the following from Sears :
}
} 1) Mini Black Hole Kit (part number bh-0945712)
} 2) Remote Control Activator (part number rc-3278541)
} 3) Black Hole Removal Unit (part number bh-0945713)
} 4) 1 pound of 10 penny nails (part number nl-1010101)
}
} When you have assembled your black hole kit, place in the center of your
} your backyard.  Bait the hole with the 10 penny nails.  Then remove
} yourself from the vinicity (a commercial flight to London is recomended)
} and active the RCA (no, not the TV) for a time of not more than 10 ns.
} If left on for more than 10 ns, the black hole will absorb the entire
} state and then start working on the reat of the world.  This will remove
} the bunyips, but the cost isn't really worth it.  Once the black hole is
} turned off, activate the BHRU and send the black hole to space-time
} position as follows :  (1234.5674,32.5890, 578.9321,235.6751).  Don't
} forget any decimal points or you'll regret it (being sucked along with a
} black hole into intersteller space can be harmful to your health) Once
} the black hole arrives there it will procede to absorb the X'ther
} invader ships comming to enslave earth.  You have now removed the
} bunyips, most of you back yard and the invading fleet.
}
} You now owe the Oracle a space-time warp.


30-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I don't understand my fellow humans.  You may.  Why couples go
> to bars and restaurants with TV screens?  Why do they watch TV instead
> of each other?  (sorry, I can't keep talking to you, my girlfriend is
> a...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many, perhaps most, couples consist of two people who do not
} particularly like each other.  Forces beyond their comprehension (mostly
} social pressures) compel them to form couples; however, they do not
} particularly enjoy it.  They use TV as a way of avoiding dealing with
} each other.
}
} The deeper reason, of course, is that very few people actually like
} *themselves*, or even hate themselves, and so they cannot possibly feel
} strong emotions for anyone else.  Television has become successful
} largely because it is a good spiritual anaethetic, preventing people
} from realizing how empty they are.  Of course, it empties them further.
} Not a good thing.
}
} You owe the oracle the destruction of every television set you own.


30-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If not smoking is so good for human beings, why is it so blasted hard to
> quit?  This hopeless humble human hopes for a humorous helpful homily
> from a power higher.  Bless the Oracle.  Hopefully yours, Hortense.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have hope, Hortense!  Heaps of homilies here can hardly help.  However,
} heaps of hair happen to have hidden happy powers:  heave a hunk of hair
} into each cigarette, and then quitting will be much easier.


30-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty StuDLy Oracle,
>
> Was John Kennedy really saying that on that fateful day he was a person
> who lived in Berlin, or was he saying that he was a Jelly Doughnut?  If
> so, did he later go to Munich and proclaim that on that day he was a
> Munchkin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He really did say that he was a jelly donut.  He wanted to go to Hamburg
} and declare himself a hamburger (Berlin ::  Berliner == Hamburg ::
} Hamburger), but secret agents from McDonalds were able to prevent this.
}
} You owe the oracle a Big Mac with Lyndon Johnson Fries.


30-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Here's the entire text of a letter my lover wrote to me:
>
>   Resentful wierd kitten-strangling pyromaniac!  I can't believe how
>   shady I am.  Mon Dieu!  Ludwig van Beethoven profoundly said you said
>   you should just forget about your chance of surviving, you young
>   Twinkie-snarfing pestilent terminal-brained midnight programmer.
>   While you're in Oz, why don't you have breakfast with Bob Dylan?
>   If you read AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS, you'll discover that I
>   couldn't care less about your rudder.  Your problem is that even
>   Johnny Appleseed ain't that much of a dogmatist.  Don't you read The
>   Economist?  You must be a real pea brain to think that you can't have
>   your honey banana split with honey until your finish your pecan pies.
>
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle sees a need for you to rewrite your lover's automatic letter
} generating system.


30-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many philosophers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oy, the sex again!  always the sex question!  too much the americans
} they think about the sex question.  sex with the bishops.  sex with the
} philosophers.  sex with the politicians.  sex with the tevelision stars.
} sex with the preachers.  sex with the prostitutes.  sex with the
} anyones.  always the sex.  i am very much the tired of answering the sex
} question!  prefer the cabbage question.
}
} you are for to owe the oracle the cabbage question before next you owe
} the sex question.


30-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a new doctoral student in comparative literature (attracted to the
> subject by its acronym, C.LIT.).  I'm interested in working on
> historical pornography.  I have noticed that many historical figures
> have written very significant works in this genre, but have not been
> given the credit they deserve.  For example, Eleanor of Acquitaine
> really wrote AMY'S ASS AND ITS VISITORS.  How can I get the world to
> recognize the literary and historical merit of my chosen specialty, and
> get tenure at Harvard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first of your questions requires the most work.  You will have to
} demonstrate how this piece of liturature effected the society.  How it
} has helped spring forth healthy young minds into the arena of adulthood.
} This will take you many months to research.  You must gather a following
} of students.  Read to them your work.  Read to them the liturature you
} have based you doctorial thesis on.  They will follow.  Tell them to do
} more intensive research.  Explore the wonders of the human body.  Become
} an expert on the subject of pornography and mutual pleasure.  Once you
} have done all of this, you present it to the Harvard Board.  If you
} include a very graphic presentation (especially oral presentation.  I
} advise getting others to help you) you should have no problem getting
} tenure.  If you don't, you will have had a lot of fun trying.


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