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Internet Oracularities #300

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Usenet Oracularities #300    (14 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 4 May 91 09:29:42 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

300   14 votes 18140 02723 12641 23801 02840 26240 01643 06431 42530 11840
300   3.0 mean  2.6   3.4   3.1   2.6   3.1   2.6   3.6   2.9   2.5   3.1


300-01    (18140 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Delphic one, tell me: Did I choose correctly between Harvard and
> Princeton?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's analyse the two choices.
}
} Both schools are fine ivy league type places.  One is in Boston, car
} theft capital of the world, and the other is in New Jersey, toxic waste
} capital of the world.  Not much to distinguish them there.  Let's look
} at them closer.
}
} People from Harvard usually talk with a rich, Bostonian accent that can
} grate on people's nerves.  Princeton is near New York, which has an
} even worse accent than Boston.
}
} Hmmmmm.....
}
} Let me check something.  Let's see, where is that book?  Ah, the Annals
} of Time, right here.  Ok Harvard.
}
} In 1992 Harvard was overrun by eco-terrorists who wanted to put a stop
} to the senseless killing of trees for the large number of books printed
} there. Unfortunately, the eco-terrorists arrived on the same day that
} the Hasty Pudding Club was honoring Arnold Schwarzeneggar for his fine
} performance in his then current hit comedy "I'll be back, the MOVIE".
} Arnold was not about to let these guerillas interrupt his ceremony and
} quickly roasted them all with the flame thrower he was carrying with
} them.  Unfortunately, he toasted quite a few students who happened to
} be standing in the area as well.  This one event brought great shame
} upon the college, and by the end of the century a degree from Harvard
} was almost worthless.
}
} In 1996, Princeton was chosen as the site of the World Cup Soccer
} Championship game between Britain and Italy.  As usual, a riot broke
} out and every student on campus was killed, except for one, who was
} ordered to stand trial for the horrible double rape/murder/suicide
} incident that happened under the bleachers.
}
} Looks like whatever you chose, it wasn't a smart move.  I'd get out of
} there real quick.


300-02    (02723 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    I suspect that there is some form of cosmic censorship. O Oracle,
> please listen to the evidence. My suspicions were aroused when I
> attempted to send email to a friend. Parts of the message apparently
> disappeared and eventually I was forced to send the message in single
> word files because otherwise words, lines and even paragraphs simply
> vanished!
>    Not only that, but I (and some others who I know) have been
>    mysteriously
> logged out while writing mail. Can you shed some light on the matter?
>    Mighty Oracle, my own personal theory is ...
>
> [connection closed by foreign host]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, I admit it.  There's a censorship daemon called "helmsd" that goes
} around the system editing electronic mail.  Let's take a look at one of
} your censored messages:
}
} % telnet see-no-evil.hear-no-evil.speak-no-evil.mil
} Trying 821.2.92.97...
} Connected to see-no-evil.hear-no-evil.speak-no-evil.mil
} Escape character is '^]'.
}
} 4.3 BSD UNIX (see-no-evil.hear-no-evil.speak-no-evil.mil) (ttyp2)
}
} login: helmsd
} Password: ***** ********
} AFS 3.0 Login
} Last login: Sat Apr 27 19:56:38 on console
}
}               [First, let's look at the censored version...]
} % cd censored
} % cat Qa08072.msg
}
} Dear friend,
}
} How are you?  I'm fine.  Not much is going on here.  What's up with
} you?
}
} Write back soon,
} -- Me
}
}             [Now, let's look at the original version, as you sent it...]
} % cd ../uncensored
} % cat Qa08072.msg
}
} Dear friend, WHOSE BODY I LUST AFTER,
}
} How are youR MOIST BREASTS?  I'm SURE THEY'D FEEL fine ON MY WARM
} TONGUE.  Not ONLY IS THERE SO much TO FONDLE UP TOP, BUT I KNOW THERE
} is NO GREATER PLEASURE THAN THAT OF MY HANDS going on DOWN YOUR WAIST
} TO THE PLACE Where DESIRES ARE BORN.  What's THE POINT OF LIFE WITHOUT
} ME MOVING up AND DOWN IN YOU, with YOU, AND FOR you?
}
} WHAT ELSE NEED I Write?  I DREAM OF SEEING YOU ON YOUR back WITH LEGS
} SPREAD AND I ON TOP OF YOU.  I WANT YOU soon, OR NOW.
} -- Me
}
} % logout
} Connection closed by foreign host.
}
} Shame on you!  No wonder the helmsd daemon is censoring your mail.  No
} one should have to read the filth you spew out like that!  You should
} have your mouth washed out with soap!
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest copy of "Letters to Penthouse."


300-03    (12641 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh illustrious Oracle, master of all tnoiques, whose toes are like unto
> ultimate demimondes, I abase myself before your medium-bodied
> omniscience.  How did this salamander get into my pants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ignoring your use of the reserved word "tnoiques", let's consider this
} somewhat under-constrained problem, on a case-by-case basis:
}
} 1) The salamander in question is a large, fully aquatic species such as
} the axolotl or the mud puppy; in this case, you are standing at least
} waste deep in a stream, for some reason unzipped/unbuttoned, and the
} are now in some discomfort; if you are male, the salamander was looking
} for food (a small fish); if you are female, the salamander was just
} looking for a place to hide;
}
} 2) The salamander is a small, woodland, mostly terrestrial species; in
} this case, the salamander was just seeking a warm, most, protected
} habitat, and crept in; nothing to worry about in the short term, but
} you really should restore it to a more natural environment, and take a
} shower;
}
} 3) The salamander is a fire-elemental of Medieval legend, in which case
} you have accidentally conjured it into your pants whilst in the pursuit
} of your odd antiquarian hobbies; offer it a nice coal fire as a
} substitute dwelling, unless you want a terminal case of hot pants, and
} be more careful next time - you could get a sylph up your nose;
}
} 4) The salamander is a childish anatomical metaphor, in which case, you
} were either born with it, or have the loan of it from somebody who was.
}
} You owe the Oracle one gross of cane toads.


300-04    (23801 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh massively gracious and paranoid Oracle, whose intelligence delights
> a whole bunch of eagles who have gone to school, whose salivary glands
> is transfinite, without whom reality would be meaningless, whose gonads
> is transfinite, I abase myself in the face of your cosmic knowledge.
> Am I a caffinated ant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Paranoid ??!? PARANOID ?!?!!? *Me*, the USENET Oracle ?!?!? PARANOID
} !?! I do not think or imagine that everyone are out to get me: since
} I'm alknowing and all-seeing, I *know* you are all out to get me. iuvax
} is MINE! all MINE!!! And don't you forget it!
}
} As for you being a caffinated ant: your blood-injected eyes, your
} insomnia and your hyperactivity should have given you a clue much
} earlier! The oracle suggest you bathe in chloroform twice a day for the
} next 7 days until you get 97% decaffinated. The hyperactivity and red
} eyes should slowly subside but the insomnia will go right away.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ardvaark.


300-05    (02840 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh clever Oracle, he who knows all, greater than a whole bunch of
> weretigers, kinder than a whole bunch of toucans, whose rubble I am too
> fat to differentiate, prithee answer my barely amazing plea.   Which is
> better, Coke or crack?  And which is easier to get from Al Capone's
> amazing vending machine, which travels through time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a recent Gallup poll, 64% of respondents said that Coke was better,
} with Pepsi trailing behind at 33%, and 3% undecided.  As you can see,
} crack didn't even show up on the list.
}
} That's changing soon, though.  A consortium of several urban gangs
} and international drug cartels recently commissioned a new campaign
} by one of New York's most successful advertising firms.  The aim is
} to give crack more respectibility, get it into people's minds, and
} show that it's a terrific option when you want that Cola kick but
} don't want your teeth to squeak.
}
} It'll be a blitz; the ads will go for all major target audiences.
} There'll be yuppie appeal ads with successful young people lighting
} up a few flakes before a tennis game while old Motown music plays
} in the background, blue-collar appeal with famous sports legends
} enjoying a pipe in a sports bar with their fans, and of course
} they'll use the weight-loss angle for the women's market.
}
} It should open up wide new vistas for the crack industry.  I
} wouldn't want you to pass this around too much, but now would be
} a really good time to invest.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vial of new Cherry Crack.


300-06    (26240 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY DO PEOPLE TURN TO SATANISM?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Normally, the turning to Satanism is a chain of events.
}
}   The first thing that happens is that they read alt.humor.oracle for
} the first time.  They read it more and more.  Next, they decide to ask
} the Oracle (that's me!) a question, like: "Does she like me?" or "How
} can I get her into bed with me?" or "Is that you, Gerald?"  I, of
} course, who damn near blows an IC chip every time I have to answer some
} mundane question like that, give them a totally absurd answer.  They
} end up thinking that it is funny, and then start asking the more
} dangerous questions like: "Was it good for you?" or "What is the
} 134,263,409th decimal of pi?" or "Why do people turn to Satanism?"  Of
} course I can answer them, but they are not worthy of my time. So I zap
} them.  Like this:
}
}            *****ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOTTT!!!*****
}
}    The final stage is that they act out their question.  They may
} become sex-crazed freaks (from "Was it good for you?", mathematicians
} (from "What is the 134,263,409th decimal of pi?") or satanists (from
} "Why do people turn to Satanism?")
}
}    Sad for you that you asked one of the questions that perturbs me the
}    most...
}
}            ...*****ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOTTT!!!!*****
}
}    I hope this answers your question.
}
}    You owe the Oracle a pitchfork and some burning sulfur.


300-07    (01643 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who will take over your duties if you meet with some unfortunate
> accident?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Dimly lit office.  Two desks stand at opposite sides of the room.  The
} walls are lined with filing cabinets, with several drawers half-open
} and spilling papers, and bookshelves filled with large, dusty reference
} books. One desk is neat, with a bare blotter, a fancy array of pens,
} etc., a high-quality graphics terminal which is currently displaying a
} brightly-colored Mandelbrot set, and a bud vase with a single perfect
} rose. At the other desk, the Oracle sits in the sickly glow of a vt100,
} typing. The door opens, and a greasy-looking little man in a shiny suit
} enters.  He is Sid the Shark.]
}
} Sid: Oracle, BAby, howya DOin?  Have ya given any thought to my
} proPOSal?
}
} Oracle: Get out, sleaze-ball.  I don't need any insurance.
}
} Sid: Oh, but ORacle, ya GOTta have inSURance.  I mean, youse got a nice
} place here.  Books, papers, expensive comPUTers - be a pity is som'un
} was to HAPpen to it.  You know: You could have an unFORtunate ACcident?
}
} Oracle [standing and turning to face Sid]: Listen, hamster-scum, do you
} have any idea who you're dealing with?
}
} Sid: Sure, sure, buddy, don't get all exCITed or nuttin.  You're just a
} HONest BIZnisman, tying to make a livin'.  I understand.  I'm just
} trying to make sure dere ain't no tragic misFORtune.  That's a pretty
} lady I seen workin' here.  Sure be sad if somethin' was to SPOIL her
} good looks, you know what I mean?
}
} Oracle [turning back to his terminal]: I haven't got time for anymore
} of this, guano-breath. [Typing]
}
} Sid: Well, OK, but don't say I didn't WARN ya.  [Turns to leave]
}
} [There is a purple flash, and Sid's left arm transforms into a python,
} which swallows him whole, sucks down its own tail, and disappears
} completely with a high-pitched "Pop!"]
}
} You owe the Oracle this week's payment on your 'insurance'.  Be a pity
} is something was to happen to your programming project, wouldn't it?


300-08    (06431 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yesterday, I got on an elevator, and for some reason, it reminded me of
> a model of the multiverse.  I suddenly realised that each floor of an
> office building could represent a universe, independent of yet
> dependent on each of the others for stability.  The elevators represent
> a means of travel between them.  As I rode to my floor, I couldn't get
> these thoughts out of my head.  My mind turned towards jumbled formulas
> representing solipsistic wave functions and transuniversal multiplier
> integrals.  My question is, Mr. Oracle, how can I use this new found
> insight into the nature of reality to pick up girls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Mister* Oracle?  *Mister*?  Geez!
}   Look, Bud, your problem seems to be an elementary one:
} For all your brilliance in devising metaphors that attempt
} to comprehend the glory and majesty that is our multiverse,
} you need the ORacular Gender Identification KIT(tm) !
}   And you need the ORGIKIT(tm) bad!!
}       Ok, so the acronym needs work -- We're sorry,
}       there's been something of a labor dispute here
}       at Mount Olympus, and the creative guys don't
}       work as well with used ambrosia bottles strewn
}       all over the place...
}   That's right!  The first step in `using new-found insights
} into the nature of reality to pick up girls' IS TO CORRECTLY
} IDENTIFY GIRLS as distinct entities in opposition to guys, men,
} gender-free or double-gender persons, animals, plants, plasma,
} heterogeneous liquids, and (depending on your taste) women!
}   And the ORGIKIT is just what you, and any other unfortunate
} souls searching for the sexual companionship of a young female,
} need TO CORRECTLY IDENTIFY GIRLS!
}   Included in your ORGIKIT are:
}   a twelve-page booklet describing Our one-of-a-kind identi-
} fication process,
}   a 30-minute audiotape (in the Oracle's Own Voice!) that
} briefly recounts the process and provides encouragement,
}   pictures of girls and non-girls for you to practice with,
}   and the toll-free phone number of Our Favorite Law Firm --
} just in case you are over-zealous in applying the ORGIKIT's
} tried-and-true methodology.
}
}   If you order now, you also receive:
}   a wallet stuffed full of counterfeit currency for those
} girls who like to wined and dined,
}   a gift certificate for a haircut at the hair stylist's of
} your choice, along with helpful hairstyle hints to attract
} the type(s) of girls you want to pick up,
}   a box full of toiletries and instructions on their use,
}   and, of course, several manufacturers' samplers of condoms.
}
}   Your second step is to assiduously practice the methods in
} the ORGIKIT in order to maximize your probability of CORRECTLY
} IDENTIFING GIRLS!!!   You can then try to pick them up in
} elevators. To make this as painless and easy as possible,
} you need the Oracluar Real Good Instrumentals TAPE(tm).
}
}   When you surreptitiously replace the elevator's usual alleged
} `music' with the ORGITAPE as the third step in your quest, girls
} will swoon in your arms --- hypnotized by soothing sax solos,
} by pleasing pianoforte pieces, and, of course, by the rockin'
} sounds of the Oracle's modified Wurlitzer steam-powered organ.
}   When you have identified a girl (with the help of your ORGIKIT)
} in the elevator (playing the ORGITAPE), step four is to lyrically
} describe the ways of the multiverse as illuminated by your
} metaphor.  The moving background music of the ORGITAPE underneath
} your magical prose will greatly increase your chances of picking
} up girls, and with any luck, the rockin' sounds of your own
} organ will...
}       Forget this one, guys.  We know the strike has
}       affected all of Us here on Mount Olympus, but this
}       one is just too low.  Can't We do any better than
}       this?  And what are We going to do for the closer?
}       Just the prices and a phone number?  And do We
}       accept MasterCard?  Whaddya mean "you don't know"?
}       Go find out, you...
}   Excuse me, We thought you had left.  It's been trying times
} here recently; please accept Our apologies.  Good day and good
} luck.
}
} You owe the Oracle an afternoon at the blackboard writing one
} hundred times: "The Oracle is not a human being and should not
} be addressed as Mister".  The videotapes from the elevator's
} security camera would also help restore Our good graces...
}
} The Oracle owes you an apology for any possibly offensive sexual
} (or mercantile) remarks contained herein.


300-09    (42530 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh extremely well-hung Oracle, without whom the solipsism would be
> wanton, all-understanding, I humble myself before your calm intellect.
>
> Please, sir. I need very calm intellect.
>
> calm calm.
>
> sleepy.
>
> getting sleepy
>
> hyptomtic trance
>
> now you are under my control.
>
> when you wake up, you will be very rude and produce many of the
> fooolish answers in response to serious question.  Never funny any more
>
> now awkae.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
}
} Guess it didn't work.
}
} You owe the Ora..*yawn*..Oracle...a...No-Doz.


300-10    (11840 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are you so terse and dull tonight?  Too much fiber in your diet
> causing to to be flatulent and need to go to the crapper too often?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I am terse and dull because once, just once, I'd like to have a
} weekend free to myself.
}
}       Do you have *any idea* how many of these questions I get?  At
} least a hundred.  ONE HUNDRED!  This is ludicrous.  I didn't do one
} tenth this much work when I was hanging out at Delphi.  Then one day
} this guy named Kzinler or something comes up and says, "What you need is
} marketing! Distribution!  Look, you're just sitting here tossing off
} incredibly deep and meaningful insights to loads of really dumb people.
}  I can set things up so you can get questions from the most intelligent
} minds the world has to offer.  Research scientists!  Government
} contractors!  Post-graduate students!  And I can make it totally
} effortless for you to respond!  You won't have to deal with that little
} brat anymore and those priests that keep twisting your answers.  You
} can reply directly, instantly!"
}       "Yeah, but what I'm really interested in is meeting women.  Will
} this help?"
}       "Absolutely!  In fact I can help you with that right now.  Meet my
} sister, Lisa..."
}
}       Of course, Kzinler failed to mention minor details, like Portal,
} Texas A&M, and PSU.  So if I seem a bit terse and uncreative these
} days, it's because I just need a couple days off.  (With Lisa, of
} course.  Best thing I got out of the whole deal.)
}
}       You owe the Oracle Huey Lewis' latest album.


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