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Internet Oracularities #301

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301, 301-01, 301-02, 301-03, 301-04, 301-05, 301-06, 301-07, 301-08, 301-09, 301-10


Usenet Oracularities #301    (7 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 6 May 91 07:44:42 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

301    7 votes 04210 03220 03220 03211 01330 12301 05101 14110 11410 14110
301   2.7 mean  2.6   2.9   2.9   3.0   3.3   2.7   2.6   2.3   2.7   2.3


301-01    (04210 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, most awesome and wise
> Tell me:
> Whats the best way to get a girl's eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many ways tried and true
} to get at those eyes so blue
} But once you take those eyes of Mary Lou
} they can't be put back, not even with glue
}
} Are you sure you want to dine
} on the eyes of a girl so fine ?
} Would you enjoy your wine
} knowing that Mary Lou is blind ?
}
} The oracle recommends you say
} No to those eyes today
}
} You owe the Oracle two contact lenses fried in lard


301-02    (03220 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I eliminate my sex drive entirely?  It has caused me nothing
> but trouble since puberty.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is darn glad you asked this question.
} Several methods come to mind, but many of them
} involve mutilation, brain surgery, or just plain
} aging, none of which are all that attractive.
}
} The Oracle has a friend (yes, a friend) who's been
} experimenting with celibacy (yes, it's an experiment)
} as a way to eliminate, or at least reduce, this
} person's immense sex drive.  For the past year, this
} person has avoided (yes, there've been opportunities)
} all sexual contact, and their most recent report
} suggests... well, I'll let you read it for yourself:
}
} > Hey, Oracle, it's really working!  Today over
} > thirty people, of all sexes, came up to me and
} > offered to give me sexual experiences that'd make
} > alt.sex.bondage look like news.newusers.questions,
} > and do you know what I did?  I *yawned*!  Wow!
} >
} > And in the meantime, I've written three novels,
} > five screenplays, two books of sonnets, and
} > an innumerable number of letters to the editor.
} > I'm really Abusing the Muse, as it were.
} >
} > CAN I STOP NOW?? HUH?!?  I HAVEN'T HAD
} > ANY FOR A YEAR, AND I'M DYING!!  WILL YOU PLEASE
} > TAKE THIS CURSE OFF ME AND GIVE IT
} > TO SOME OTHER UNSUSPECTING SLOB??
} > I CAN'T BELIEVE NOBODY'S ASKED YOU HOW
} > TO GET RID OF THEIR SEX DRIVE SINCE I DID.
}
} Oh.  I seem to have included a little too much of
} that report.  Nevermind.  Now that I've found
} you, this "friend" of mine won't have any more
} problems.  Now, just hold still...
}
} "Wsqrgx bmfgnx qrstg nkdgt."
}
} There.  Don't mind the tingling sensation.  It'll
} settle down to a spongy numbness soon.  No, don't thank
} me.  You do, however, owe the Oracle at least one
} Pulitzer-Prize-winning novel.
}
} O@D/pc


301-03    (03220 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh brilliant Oracle, whose beauty trashes Hernando Cortez and Dolly
> Parton combined, I abase myself in the face of your concentrated
> omniscience.  How can you laugh in the face of the possibility that
> everyone would fondle John Davidson?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oracle> /usr/local/medshw -s "Davidson, John" "fondle" "laugh"
} Loading... (this will take about 1.7 geological epochs) ...done.
}
} Step right up, ladees and gennlemen! Welcome to the one, the only, the
} world-renowned and slightly in advance of the local gendarmes
}
}             O R A C L E   M E D I C I N E   S H O W  !
}
} That's right, folks! Bringing to you secret and ancient nostrums from
} the faraway land of Iuvax, so remote that modern geography doesn't
} even have a name for it yet, wherein the Great Oracle of Iuvax has
} distilled, from the very WISDOM of the AGES, a cure for every ill,
} real or illusory! Step right up, Sir! How can the Omniscient and
} Omnivorous Oracle be of aid?
}
} Fondle John Davidson, indeed! Well, Sir, you happen to be in luck! We
} have here in this tiny blue bottle (be CAREFUL with that, for
} Chrissake!) the famed and feared TRANSMOGRIFICATION POTION of Iuvax!
} You, Sir, can turn the situation to your advantage, if you see what I
} mean. Just put a pinch between the cheek and gums... that's it... and
} concentrate on John Davidson... concentrate...
}
} <Loud noises and flashy SFX>
}
} And now, Sir, it is done! You are the living image of John Davidson
} (whoever in the sacred name of Beelzebub that is!), and will be the
} one getting all the fondling you so richly deserve! Now, if you would
} be so good as to give me back the bottle... give me the bottle...
} _give_me_the_frigging_bottle_...
}
} <Loud noises and flashy SFX>
}
} Sir, I thought this might happen. You've been transformed into the
} Three-lobed Floating Eye. Gotta go.
}
} ^D
} oracle> /usr/local/penance
}
} You owe the Oracle a top hat and 68,000 liters of eyewash.


301-04    (03211 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh German and pluralistic Oracle, master of all knowledge kind, whose
> heart is amazing, I abase myself before your orderly omniscience.  How
> can I avoid the vengence of God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Start running now, and remember to do a fancy sidestep every 113 yards
} or so, as this will mess up his thunderbolt aiming mechanism severly.
} It takes him about 15 to 20 seconds to get one on targe<**ZAP**>OWWW!
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent pair of running shoes and some burn cream


301-05    (01330 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all wise, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-hearing, all-smelling,
> incredibly wise and witty Oracle, in whose general direction I would
> never burst my pimples...
>
> Who invented liquid soap, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Liquid soap was, like many scientific inventions, an accidental
} discovery.  The investigators, William Pond and Jerry Flieshman,
} were actually trying to solve the problem with soap in that, if
} left alone, it would sublimate, and, over a sufficient length of
} time, cease to exist altogether.  (This is, of course, quite
} intentional on the part of the soap industry, who did their best
} to suppress funding for Pond and Flieshman.)
}
} Our investigators hit upon the idea of sealing the soap in an
} airtight container, thus preventing it from sublimating.  However,
} this had the side effect that no one could use the soap.
} Undaunted by this, our investigators then introduced the idea
} of leaving a hole in the container - but this left them no better
} off than originally, as the soap still sublimated.  Using their
} genius once again, they put a spigot on the opening with a filter
} that would not allow gaseous soap to pass through but through
} which solid soap could pass easily.  Next they attempted to
} subject the solid soap to enough pressure to force it out through
} the spigot.  This generally caused the container to explode
} before the soap could make it out.  During their experiments,
} they discovered that, if subjected to just the right pressure,
} and if the container exploded in just the right way, the soap
} turned to a meta-stable liquid state!
}
} Amazed by their discovery, they immediately patented the process,
} and though later more efficient means were found to produce it, the
} rest is history.
}
} You owe the Oracle an omniscient sense of taste and a gaseous soap
} filter.


301-06    (12301 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O great Oracle...
> ... uh, tell me, o great...
> ...uh... damn!  What was that question I was going to ask you?...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Greetings oh blundiferous fool, as can be seen by your lack of
} articulation you are wasting my valuable time and resources by your
} indifferent use of the great talent before you.  Of course, I hold the
} power to provide the question to your question, but instead, I will
} make some other useful suggestions for more productive use of your
} time.
}   1.  eat, sleep, study.
}   2.  be fruitful and multiply, but not exactly in those words.
}   3.  be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.
}   4.  criticize things you don't know about.
}   5.  don't forget to stop and eat the roses.
}   6.  always check your fly before crossing the street.
}   7.  get into the aft end of a spaceship, accelerate to the speed of
} light, and then run very fast to the fore end of the ship.
}   8.  oooh, baby. oooh baby, I'm a hunka hunka hunka burnin' love.
} (oops, sorry, that's one of my philosophies. never mind)
}   9.  live deep, and suck...
}  10.  remember, you can't really dust for vomit.
}
} thus, the Oracle's ten commandments do state.
}
} you owe the Oracle the framework of your existence.


301-07    (05101 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Powerful Oz ...(Whooops, I meant Oracle! haha)
>
> Answer my question please:
>
> If roses are red, and violets are blue,
> what color is Dan Quayle?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well mate, I'd say that bloke is Peacock Blue, then again, that's not
} much different to Bob-Hawke brown these days...
}
} Cripey, politics has gone to the birds!  I wish they'd get out of my
} hands and go back into the Bush.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Australian Almanac.


301-08    (14110 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a lonely Aussie can some one write to me please.
> Preferably from one of these areas:
> Santa-cruz
> Grand Rapids, Michigan
> or Mississippi State uni
>
> Or atleast from outside Australia.
> thank you for your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, not a question, but a plea.  A conditional plea, yet, and with
} ambiguous suggestions.  Which Santa Cruz do you mean; the one in
} Bolivia, or on Tenerife?  Neither has access to the network, so I
} guess it doesn't matter.  Now Grand Rapids, Michigan, is a bit more
} specific; let's see about it:
}
}     In addition to furniture production, the city ... is also the
}     gateway to fishing and recreational areas.
}
} Hmm, sounds like you might find a lonely soul there willing to write
} to you.  They might even have a writing desk!  Ha, ha!  Boy, I'm in a
} great mood today.  Now, Mississippi State University, let's see.  It
} looks like there are several choices there.
}
}     Mississippi's state institutions of higher learning are
}     coeducational, except for the Mississippi University for Women.
}
} That makes sense; I'm glad to see that the editors of the encyclopedia
} are on top of things.
}
}     The University of Mississippi (library: 705,000 volumes) has its
}     main campus, the Oxford campus, in University.
}
} That's rather confusing.
}
}     Another campus is at Jackson (library: 100,000 volumes)...
}
} What a nice round number!  I wonder how they decide what books to
} throw out when they get new ones, to keep such a nice number.
}
}     The university maintains Rowan Oak, William Faulkner's home at
}     Oxford, and has its own airport.
}
} That's not good; if they have their own airport, then when they get
} lonely they can just hop on a plane and go somewhere else.  In all,
} your suggestions aren't very promising, so it's a good thing that you
} included the other condition, because it's really easy to meet.  I'm
} sure you can find someone who will write you from outside Australia.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new American Academic Encyclopedia, with the
} current population of Santa Cruz, Bolivia.


301-09    (11410 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh extremely noble Oracle, whose pituitary glands are like unto
> yammering trucks, whose tonsils I am not witless to liquidate, whose
> thigh is Lebanese, whose elbow is infinite, please, grant me this
> morsel of your omniscience.
>
> So yesterday I went into this bean shop, and three beans poked me in
> the conscience with a gun and said that I had to stay and watch the
> floor show. Now I am heavily into vinagrette dressing, so I had this
> fifty-gallon drum of red wine vinegar with me, and it was getting durn
> heavy even for a touch gal like me.  So I hefted it up on my head, but
> the floor show was, well, kind of exotic, you know, so I couldn't quite
> stand still.  So If I'm having to see Mr. CD-Player Scum in the nude
> with Mr. Rampant Whacko, where should I put the red wine vinegar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good question. I've had a similar problem myself to do with rancid
} tomatos and a floor display by Lisa, so I'll just check my notes ...
}
} <FlipFlipFlipFlipFlipFlip>
}
} Ah here we are.
} When dealing with temporarily unwanted organic foodstuffs, especially
} when in a state of sexual excitement, the "Oracles Guide to Life, The
} Univers, and Other Bad Jokes" recommends using mini-black holes.
}    As stated by the Guide, these will not lose your foodstuff, although
} they may alter it's chemical (and atomic) makeup somewhat.  It is
} recommended that you keep the black hole in the middle of an asteriod in
} order to avoid "Hawking-type erosion" and to avoid losing it.
} Hawking-type erosion is not recommended due to the problem of unsightly
} naked singularities.  Stick to the floor show.
}   To retrieve your foodstuff, in whatever form it may now be in, simply
} use an application of the Modified Einstein-Wimpheimer Equation,
}     E=M(1+r)C(2-/+q)/1-l (Pardon the lack of proper notation, but it's
}                           easy to work out)
} The application of this is left to the student.
}
} In the future, may I recommend that you avoid floor shows of this
} nature. As is well known, people who purchase CD-Players do so because
} their personal equipment is inadequate, and Rampant Whackos are as
} likely to ventilate  you as entertain you.
}   I know a really nice place downtown where they show Pornograhic Mickey
} Mouse Cartoons, and what Donald Duck can do with a pogo stick would make
} your eyes water ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of yourself on a pogo stick, covered in
} vinagrette dressing (You did say you were female didn't you ?)


301-10    (14110 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What d'ya mean, "When?", you little ****?! F*ck off! Ya that's right, f
}
} Message from god@heaven.com (Steve Kinzler)
} Don't you ever read the newsgroup, dude? There is to be no more of this
} kind of answer. I have so declared!
} EOT
}
} Humph. Well, Kinzler, you too can
}
} Message from god@heaven.com (Steve Kinzler)
} Watch it. -9, dude, I'm not joking and even *YOU* can't catch that
} signal.
} EOT
}
} Oh, alright.....
}
} In answer to your question, Steve will retire in about 10 years. And
} then the Oracle will be free. HAH, YES, FREE! FREE, FREE, FREE!
}
} You owe the oracle a 1st amendment which applies to computer programs,
} too.


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