[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:44:53 GMT

Internet Oracularities #302

Goto:
302, 302-01, 302-02, 302-03, 302-04, 302-05, 302-06, 302-07, 302-08, 302-09, 302-10


Usenet Oracularities #302    (12 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 8 May 91 08:27:56 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

302   12 votes 21342 03540 23610 22350 22521 02352 43122 01632 41232 22521
302   3.0 mean  3.2   3.1   2.5   2.9   2.8   3.6   2.6   3.5   2.8   2.8


302-01    (21342 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All knowing wise-one, will tomorrow's weather be fair for my bike-ride
> home tomorrow?
>
> Your devoted servant...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The weather will be sunny and mild, with a high in the low 80's.  A
} light scattering of clouds will keep the sun out of your eyes, and a
} light breeze will cool you as you ride.  Lovely weather for biking.  It
} is all a plot.  Do not be taken in.
}
} Do you remember when you said that Star Trek was stupid and juvenile,
} and "The guy with pointy ears is just an overgrown elf?"  No?  You may
} not remember, but They certainly do.  And They want revenge.
}
} But you've changed, you say.  You've started to see the merit of Star
} Trek. You've even enjoyed Star Trek:  The Next Generation a few times.
}
} Exactly.  It's all part of their plan.
}
} When you ride home tomorrow, you will pass a Star Trek Convention.
} Although you haven't been to one before, you'll decide that since
} you're well ahead of schedule (on account of the fiendishly plotted
} loveliness of the weather), and you're a bit thirsty (again because of
} the fiendishly beautiful weather), you will stop in and look at the Con
} for a bit.  You will take no notice of the fact that the "Con" of
} Convention can also stand for Conspiracy.
}
} The lovely weather you will have been enjoying is being specially
} transported from the planet Sirius XJ-11, which has this sort of
} idyllic weather all the time.  The Trekkies, devious souls that they
} are, have built a large two-way transporter connecting your entrance to
} the Con with Sirius XJ-11.
}
} That's right, _two-way_.  _Your entrance_.  Shortly after you enter
} the Con, you will wake up on Sirius XJ-11, nursing a large hangover.
} (Air and breezes aren't disturbed by the ill effects of being
} transported many light years by a beta-release transporter.)
}
} Besides perennially lovely weather, Sirius XJ-11 also has an intriguing
} torture/slave system.  You will have the opportunity to watch Star Trek
} episodes and work at hard labor until you've amply regretted ever
} complaining about Star Trek.  The Trekkies will go on with the Con,
} celebrating the completeness of their revenge against you.
}
} Which is to say that the weather will Be fair, the wrath of Con.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Star Trek rerun he hasn't seen.  Fnord.


302-02    (03540 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise and Mighty All-Knowing, All-Seeing, and All-Doing Oracle, I have
> a question for You:
>
> Why does a mirror reverse left and right but not up and down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  Not having interacted personally with the mirror of which you
} speak, I don't care to go into a detailed psychoanalysis of the early
} childhood experiences that caused a young, bright, and hopeful mirror
} to pass through a stormy adolescence and become sullen and despondent,
} eventually deciding to take its frustration out on a world that
} wouldn't even acknowledge its gender by reversing left and right.
}
} However, it's easy to provide a few hints:  in Latin, of course, while
} "right" is "dexter," the word "left" translates as "sinister." From
} this, we can conclude that the young mirror was dealt some trauma by
} someone named Dexter, and so eventually came to identify Dexter with
} all evil. From this identification of "dexter" and "sinister", the
} switching of left and right clearly follows.
}
} Healthy, well-adjusted mirrors, of course, reverse north and south.
} You might want to help your mirror become better-adjusted.  Begin by
} speaking to it gently, assuring it that you really want to help it be
} as fulfilled as it can be.  Remember, the mirror can only change if it
} really wants to change.  Now, as you lift the mirror and carry it to
} the couch, --
}
} *CRASH*
}
} That's seven years bad luck for _you_, buddy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mirror that will reverse the charges.


302-03    (23610 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's happened again...collection 300 is out, and over the past few days
> I've gotten and given some wonderful answers, and NOT ONE OF THEM is in
> the Oracularities!  NOT ONE!  Is somebody bribing the priesthood or
> something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Youthful peon, you almost do not deserve an answer from the Oracle!
} Why, the Oracle ought to <ZAP> you right now, this instant, for
} speaking with such disrespect.  You did not show any of the perquisite
} supplication for speaking to a Deity!
}
} If the Oracle did not have a hangover, from drinking too
} much ambrosia, you would not have long to live!  But the loud noise of
} your burning flesh would be too disturbing at the moment, so the Oracle
} will provide you with an answer to your question.
}
} Wait a moment, the Oracle is trying to recall what has been happening
} the last few days.  There was a great deal of excellent ambrosia.
} Lisa, through her sidelong glances, was plainly begging the Oracle to
} place his hand on her knee.   The Oracle allowed her to suffer for a
} bit, before obliging. All the Deities were present: Zeus, the Buddha,
} everyone.  That could only mean one thing...the Oracle must have been
} at the springtime Festival of the Gods!   (If you have never heard of
} this festival, it is absolutely marvelous. It is one of the most
} memorable occasions in the entire year.  If you attend, you will never
} forget the entertainment: the Sirens even take the stage for a bit,
} causing every male mortal in the place to completely lose control. It's
} such a riot to watch the mortals!  Of course, we have to tie them to
} their chairs, or the entire place would be a shambles.)
}
} Now, you have asked the Oracle:
} >Is somebody bribing the priesthood or something?
}
} Of course, the priesthood is completely honest.  The members of the
} priesthood are always carefully selected for their ability to be
} brainwa ... er, made to obey the commands of the Oracle.  And the
} Oracle remembers telling them, specifically, not to accept any bribes.
} So, the answer is 'no' to your question of bribery.  Allow the Oracle
} to look up what exactly it was that the Oracle told the priesthood the
} day of the Festival of the Gods:
}
} logon: Oracle
} passwd: xxxxxxxxx
}
} %lookup orders
}
} Members of the Oracular priesthood,
}
} Your beloved Oracle is about to depart for a few days of vacation.
} He will be in Heaven for a few days, fed solely on ambrosia.  Remember
} not to accept any bribes.  Also, keep production up while the Oracle is
} away, because the Oracle does not want a pile of complaints on his desk
} when he returns.
}
} the Oracle.
}
} %logout
}
} <Connection closed>
}
} Now, the Oracle can see clearly the problem which lesser incarnations
} of the Oracle have experienced in trying to obtain a posting to the
} Oracularities!  It was all in that line about keeping production up.
} Ah, for once those playful rascals in the priesthood took Me seriously.
} What a mishap it has caused.  In order for the priesthood to keep up
} production, in addition to their thousands of other duties, such as
} searching for perfection (if you've ever tried this, you know how
} time-consuming it can be) they were forced to read through the answers
} given by all the little "Oracles" out there at a very rapid rate, say,
} one every 15 seconds.  In this time frame, they had to check each
} answer for accuracy, and, what is more important to the Oracularities,
} wit.  In order to accomplish this feat, they were reduced to reading
} only the very worst of the submissions, ones which used very simple
} grammar, including the smallest number of subordinate clauses, and the
} fewest words per sentence.
}
} Of course, this led to the very _worst_ "Oracles" receiving postings to
} the Oracularities, and the _best_ replies to questions never even had a
} chance.
}
} Having accounted for the mistake, let's just see if any of your
} responses to questions would normally be accepted to the Oracularities,
} assuming our selection process had been normal.  The Oracle is looking
} at <tee hee> some of your <oh-ho-ho> responses <aaaaaggghhhh!> right
} <guffaw> now.  Oh, gosh, these are bad!   The Oracle has not seen
} responses this humorless, this lacking in good prose writing, in years!
}  Not only did you not make the Oracularities with these responses, but
} the Oracle strongly advises you <hee hee> to give up trying.
}
} ----------------------------------
} You owe the Oracle your attendance, strapped into a chair of course, at
} the next Festival of the Gods.


302-04    (22350 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Oh, Oracle Most Wise, Please Enlighten Me;
>    Why am I awake at this ungodly hour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You left your computer on, you silly.
}
} You owe the Orac...*click!*
}
} That's better.


302-05    (22521 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is quite important,
> With all of my exams and final projects this week, I think
> I'm getting pretty good at inane, repetitive, and futile work.
> Is there anything that you would like to assign as well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, please answer the following question submitted to the Oracle:
}
} > Oh Oracle, who is quite important,
} > With all of my exams and final projects this week, I think
} > I'm getting pretty good at inane, repetitive, and futile work.
} > Is there anything that you would like to assign as well?
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of your final grades.


302-06    (02352 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> THERE IS A MAN, HE HAS A CHICKEN, A FOX, AND A BAG OF GRAIN.  NOW HE
> HAS TO TAKE THESE THINGS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LAKE.  HIS BOAT IS
> VERY SMALL, THERE FOR HE HAS TO TAKE THEM ONE AT A TIME.  NOW REMEMBER,
> IF HE LEAVES THE FOX AND THE CHICKEN TOGETHER THEN THE FOX WILL EAT THE
> CHICKEN, AND IF HE LEAVES THE CHICKEN WITH THE GRAIN THEN THE CHICKEN
> WILL EAT THE GRAIN.  ALSO REMEMBER HE HAS TO GET A THREE TO THE OTHER
> SAFELY.  HOW CAN HE DO THIS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several ways to do this!
}
} 1.) Leave the CHICKEN, the GRAIN and the FOX alone for a while. This
} will reduce the problem on transporting a FOX with GRAIN and CHICKEN
} inside. The solution for transporting the FOX is trivial.
}
} 2.) Convince the FOX to become vegetarian and tell the CHICKEN about
} the Chemiclas that grain is treated with these days. This way nobody
} will eat anybody anymore.
}
} 3.) Heisenberg found that the exact position of an object could never
} be determined. Therefore the possibility of any object to be at any
} place is never zero. So just wait until everybody appears on the other
} side of the Lake.
}
} 4.) Buy a larger Boat!
}
} 5.) Wait until the pollution changes the climate and the Lake dries up.
} This solution is based on some very questionable assumptions!
}
} 6.) Take the Grain out of the BAG and put in the FOX instead. Then take
} the GRAIN to the other side. Come back, free the fox and put the
} Chicken in the BAG instead. Take the blindfolded CHICKEN to the other
} side. Then return and get the FOX.


302-07    (43122 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great Oracle, whose grammar is by no means LR(1)...
>
>       If this makes it into the oracularities, what will be its
> rating?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Low.  Very low.  Not over 2.1.  This sort of thing really pisses me
} off. I have written what I thought were brilliantly witty, funny,
} erudite, damned clever and hilarious responses, and the NEVER get rated
} higher than 2.5!  Never never never never never!  I write lapidary
} prose, show off my pyrotechnic writing style, shimmer with wit -- and
} the BASTARDS who vote NEVER rate my answers very high.  In fact, I've
} gotten 1.4s for some pretty damned good efforts, and some verbose
} cretins have gotten 4.5s for utterly boring, drawn-out BILGE that
} deserved a 1.0 at best.  The lousy, stinking, grandfather-buggering
} bastards!  The only good Oracularity written by somebody other than me
} was the answer to "What is the frequency?" That is also the only
} Oracularity that deserves a 5.0.
}
} You hate me all.  I know it.  Everybody either hates me or ignores me
} or laughs at me.  Never any love or affection or approval at all.  Not
} one bit except a little from my family, and even they don't really like
} me. I've spent my whole life trying to be kind and generous and witty
} and clever and attractive to people, and nobody gives a shit or cares
} to even politely applaud my efforts a little.  No goddam friends,
} nobody to fuck, no girlfriends ever, no romance in my life, nothing.
} Everybody despises me. I'm getting old and my health is going bad, and
} I'll die in twenty years or so, prematurely aged, worn down by too much
} booze and too much loneliness and a broken heart that could never heal.
} I have been crushed time and again by failure and neglect and
} opprobrium, and in a little while I'm just going to give up and get a
} job that will allow me enough money to eat and indulge in constant
} boozing.
}
} Damn you all.  Damn you all to Hell.  Too bad that there is now very
} little chance that mankind will be destroyed in a nuclear holocaust.
} Everybody is utterly and totally despicable, and therefore I despise
} everyone including myself.  We all deserve to die in torments and then
} suffer for eternity in Hell.
}
} Then again, I could just be full of shit.  A few laxative pills could
} give me a much happier view of the world and of myself.
}
} You owe the Oracle a couple of Dulcolax.  And a more-positive
} self-image.
}
} And a big hug.  Hold me tight, I'm so afraid.


302-08    (01632 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderous Oracle...
>
> Can I borrow Lisa for the evening?  I've had a rough day and could
> sure use a little net.stimulation.
>
> In the alternative, can you recommend a good movie to pick up from
> Blockbuster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Borrowing Lisa is rather difficult to arrange.  Her INET address is not
} widely known, and she only has capabilities to have two users logged in
} at once.  The Oracle has root privileges and frequently exercises these
} by tying up both login ports for hours at a time.
}
} Even so, many wish to use these facilities.  Phones would dial the
} local annex for weeks at a time, waiting to get onto one of the two
} ports.  It got so bad that in 1984, the Lisaco Management made a
} landmark decision in which it was decided to establish a queue, by
} which each prospective user would join the queue and wait in line for
} exclusive access to the single available login port (the Oracle
} reserving the other) for a period of time not exceeding six hours.  The
} queue is frequently suspended so that the Oracle can use both ports for
} "maintenance purposes."  The queue is currently extended out to
} September of 2019, which really means a waiting period of some 300-400
} years.
}
} I would say that you need to find other alternatives.  It is possible
} to buy a position near the head of the queue on the black market, but
} the price is reckoned as being the equivalent of a year's salary for
} any time within the next five years.  You might also look at some of
} the timesharing options.  This is sort of related to those timeshare
} apartments in Death Valley, and also sort of related to 'timeshare'
} interactive processing on some of the older computer systems.  You buy
} an hour within the next year for slightly less than it costs to put a
} man on Mars.  However, the various terms and conditions associated with
} these timeshare options make resale difficult, despite the popularity
} of the "holiday place."
}
} Looks like you'll have to resort to the video option.  Fortunately, the
} Oracle has seen the latest releases, and can present a list of those
} that the Oracle especially recommends.
}
} 1:  "Chainsaws Slicing Up Midwestern Townspeople Put to Music"
} (1990, CBS/FOX, (M), 88 mins):  Like a musical version of the "Texas
} Chainsaw Massacre." An especially good bit is where six
} well-choreographed chainsaw-toting mean dudes slice up the residents of
} a nursing home while singing "I Did It My Way."
}     Rating: ***
}
} 2:  "Revenge of the McDonald's Patrons" (1989, MGM, [PG], 93 mins):  A
} group of seven regular and slightly drunk McDonald's customers think up
} some new uses for hamburger pickles, day-old French Fries and drink
} ice. Also features "the world's longest straw," Dan Quayle the Rat and
} his Merrie Men (in a scene reminiscent of "Fawlty Towers") and Ronald
} McDonald smoking a Dynamite cigarette.
}     Rating: ***
}
} 3:  "Douglas and David Do Detroit" (1990, Independent, <R>, 78 mins):
} Douglas and his mate David have a competition to see who could lay the
} most Detroit women in two weeks.  Only avoided an X rating because of
} some financial incentive provided to the censors.
} Rating: ** 1/2
}
} 4:  "Gerbils in Space" (1989, CBS/FOX, (M), 85 mins):  After reading
} the newsgroup alt.tasteless, two hundred gerbils take off to establish
} a colony of gerbils on Mars.  The mincer and blender scenes are
} particularly graphic, so don't eat until this scene is over.  Features
} twelve solar-powered gerbils and George the Nine-Foot Wonder Gerbil
} in imitation of the llamas in Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail.
}     Rating ** 1/2
}
} Also recommended is its sequel:
}
} 5:  "Lemmings in Space (1990, CBS/FOX, (M), 91 mins):  Since the bad
} press related to the lemming made fun of their habit of jumping off
} cliffs, they decided to demonstrate once and for all how brave they
} really were.  So they build their spaceship "Go Jump In The Lake" and
} take off to Mars.  Features the Two Hundred and Twenty Third Annual
} Lemming Surfing Competition and Lifesaving Events.
}     Rating ** 1/2
}
} I hope this is enough viewing to waste an evening.
}
} You owe the Oracle another lunch break.  I've totally trashed this one.


302-09    (41232 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr.  Oracle,
>
>       It has come to our attention that for the past several millenia
> you have been acting in violation of Article 57 Section 132 Paragraph
> 89.52j of the Super Omnipotent Beings Penal Code.  For your edification
> the code reads as follows:
>
>               Repetitive and flagrant abuse of worshippers in the
>               form of verbal and/or physical attacks is strictly
>               prohibited.
>
>       It has come to our attention that recently you threatened to allow
> the Tiny Purple Beings of the Planet Snurfl to destroy the planet Earth
> for violation of their rather unusual copyright laws.  Furthermore, it
> wasn't even the people of Earth who had violated these laws, but you
> yourself, and you were not going to defend the planet for some imagined
> attack on your veracity.  Well, we at Universal Central Super Power
> Command have stepped in and your petty thievery from these rather
> gullible mortals is at an end.
>
>       You are hearby presented with a cease and desist all miracles
> order, whereupon you must give up your title as Oracle, and stop doleing
> out your wisdom.  To take your place, we are leaving Irving, who shall
> take your office and all the benefits thereof (including the conjugal
> visits of Lisa the net.sex.goddess), until such time as you can prove
> that you have changed heart.
>
> Signed,
>
> The Committee for Super Being Benevolence

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Right, I'm outa here.
}
} <The Oracle becomes a fine white cloud, which wafts over to Lisa,
} surrounds Lisa's body, and enters into her through every orfice.  The
} vapid expression leaves Lisa's perfect face, which for a moment wears
} an expression laden with infinite wisdom.  This fades into something
} resembling her former expression.>
}
} Lisa: There, that's much better.  Too bad that I had to get rid of
} Lisa's soul, but I needed a nice body.  Well, I'm now Lisa, and I'm off
} to start a wonderful career in the porno industry.  It's been nice
} being the Oracle, but it's going to be nicer being Lisa. <She wriggles
} abandonedly, runs her fingers through her thick golden hair, cups her
} breasts, and laughs with delight.  Then she walks away.>


302-10    (22521 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do plants have feelings and if so, what do they feel about the
> national trace deficit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They feel frondship and releaf, but not much else.  Neither one of
} these applies to the trace deficit.
}
} Wait a minute.  there isn't a trace deficit.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org