} Youthful peon, you almost do not deserve an answer from the Oracle!
} Why, the Oracle ought to <ZAP> you right now, this instant, for
} speaking with such disrespect. You did not show any of the perquisite
} supplication for speaking to a Deity!
} If the Oracle did not have a hangover, from drinking too
} much ambrosia, you would not have long to live! But the loud noise of
} your burning flesh would be too disturbing at the moment, so the Oracle
} will provide you with an answer to your question.
} Wait a moment, the Oracle is trying to recall what has been happening
} the last few days. There was a great deal of excellent ambrosia.
} Lisa, through her sidelong glances, was plainly begging the Oracle to
} place his hand on her knee. The Oracle allowed her to suffer for a
} bit, before obliging. All the Deities were present: Zeus, the Buddha,
} everyone. That could only mean one thing...the Oracle must have been
} at the springtime Festival of the Gods! (If you have never heard of
} this festival, it is absolutely marvelous. It is one of the most
} memorable occasions in the entire year. If you attend, you will never
} forget the entertainment: the Sirens even take the stage for a bit,
} causing every male mortal in the place to completely lose control. It's
} such a riot to watch the mortals! Of course, we have to tie them to
} their chairs, or the entire place would be a shambles.)
} Now, you have asked the Oracle:
} >Is somebody bribing the priesthood or something?
} Of course, the priesthood is completely honest. The members of the
} priesthood are always carefully selected for their ability to be
} brainwa ... er, made to obey the commands of the Oracle. And the
} Oracle remembers telling them, specifically, not to accept any bribes.
} So, the answer is 'no' to your question of bribery. Allow the Oracle
} to look up what exactly it was that the Oracle told the priesthood the
} day of the Festival of the Gods:
} logon: Oracle
} passwd: xxxxxxxxx
} %lookup orders
} Members of the Oracular priesthood,
} Your beloved Oracle is about to depart for a few days of vacation.
} He will be in Heaven for a few days, fed solely on ambrosia. Remember
} not to accept any bribes. Also, keep production up while the Oracle is
} away, because the Oracle does not want a pile of complaints on his desk
} when he returns.
} the Oracle.
} <Connection closed>
} Now, the Oracle can see clearly the problem which lesser incarnations
} of the Oracle have experienced in trying to obtain a posting to the
} Oracularities! It was all in that line about keeping production up.
} Ah, for once those playful rascals in the priesthood took Me seriously.
} What a mishap it has caused. In order for the priesthood to keep up
} production, in addition to their thousands of other duties, such as
} searching for perfection (if you've ever tried this, you know how
} time-consuming it can be) they were forced to read through the answers
} given by all the little "Oracles" out there at a very rapid rate, say,
} one every 15 seconds. In this time frame, they had to check each
} answer for accuracy, and, what is more important to the Oracularities,
} wit. In order to accomplish this feat, they were reduced to reading
} only the very worst of the submissions, ones which used very simple
} grammar, including the smallest number of subordinate clauses, and the
} fewest words per sentence.
} Of course, this led to the very _worst_ "Oracles" receiving postings to
} the Oracularities, and the _best_ replies to questions never even had a
} Having accounted for the mistake, let's just see if any of your
} responses to questions would normally be accepted to the Oracularities,
} assuming our selection process had been normal. The Oracle is looking
} at <tee hee> some of your <oh-ho-ho> responses <aaaaaggghhhh!> right
} <guffaw> now. Oh, gosh, these are bad! The Oracle has not seen
} responses this humorless, this lacking in good prose writing, in years!
} Not only did you not make the Oracularities with these responses, but
} the Oracle strongly advises you <hee hee> to give up trying.
} You owe the Oracle your attendance, strapped into a chair of course, at
} the next Festival of the Gods.