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Internet Oracularities #303

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Usenet Oracularities #303    (12 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 10 May 91 10:10:53 -0500

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303   12 votes 01470 06600 05421 04530 12720 11442 36300 13341 23241 11622
303   2.9 mean  3.5   2.5   2.9   2.9   2.8   3.4   2.0   3.1   2.9   3.2


303-01    (01470 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Why is milk homogenized ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your milk is homogenized ????!!???
}
} Oh dear.
}
} What you should IMMEDIATELY do is very gently pick it up and carefully
} place it in a bomb proof container OUTSIDE your house.  DO NOT PANIC.
} Now ring your local bomb squad, and calmly inform them that your milk is
} homogenized, and that the world-famous Oracle suspects it may be due to
} the "Nashville Nitroglycerine Incident".  DO NOT PANIC.
}     Oh you didn't know about that incident ?  Well, as little as three
} days ago the major milk retailers decided that to save money, milk would
} no longer be homogenized.  This angered many farmers (who got paid more
} for homegenized milk due to the problems of getting the cows to jump up
} and down) and they formed a terrorist action group - FART (Farmers
} Against Retailers Taxes).
}     They cunningly offered homogenized milk at a discount price to
} certain retailers (including obviously yours).  However instead of using
} the common homogenization process (involving skipping ropes, Jane Fonda
} tapes, and industrial strength laxatives) they instead fed the cows
} nitroglycerine.
}     It was terrible.  Only 10% of the cows survived, and their milk was
} constantly shaken by their comrades exploding while chewing their cuds.
} The milk was later found to have concentrated the nitro into an
} explosive mixture.
}     Whew, I'm glad you got it out of the house.  I mean if ...  LOOK OUT
} YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS POURING SOME ON SOME CORNF...
}
} Oh well never mind.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything.  Your insurance does not cover
} exploding breakfasts, so after you get outta intensive care, you'll find
} you are wiped out.
}
} Next time stick to non-dairy creamer.


303-02    (06600 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh clever Oracle, whose pituitary gland is transfinite, I abase myself
> in the face of your hygenic conscious lecherousness.  A troll is
> gnawing my left leg.  A Nazi storm trooper is firing many rounds of
> ammunition at me.  The Starship Enterprise has just fired two photon
> torpedoes.  A blue dragon is about to breathe deadly lightning at me.
> Cancer growls in my liver; tuburculosis gnaws at my lungs; kuru munches
> happily at my brain; and I have a cold.  Fifteen pirahnas have just
> swum up behind me; my pocket nuclear reactor has signalled "eight
> seconds to total meltdown"; and the Cheetos I ate for breakfast were
> covered with cyanide and arsenic.  Which one is going to kill me first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The key in such a situation is to be defiant. You can either wait
} and see, since the troll won't eat much, nazis never quite succeeded,
} the Enterprise must doubt its aim since it fired two shots, if you
} have a black arrow you can kill a blue dragon, the cancer may go into
} remission, tuberculosis can be cured by antibiotics, no one needs a
} very good brain in our society anyway, the common cold cures itself,
} the pirahnas may be gorged from the cow they just ate, your reactor
} could have a faulty indicator needle, and the poison was actually in
} the Doritos, OR, you could consider killing yourself first in order to
} remain master of your destiny in the face of such difficulties.  I
} would recommend a cigarette and a glass of wine and a wait.


303-03    (05421 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Wise and Mighty Oracle, who Knows All but only Gossips
> Occasionally, I have a question to ask you about the most basic nature
> of the Universe.
>      I have deduced the existence of a fifth fundamental cosmic force.
>      In addition to electromagnetism, the strong nuclear force, the weak
> nuclear force, and gravity, I state that there is another:  the
> dauntforce.
>      Have you ever noticed that when someone has been severely daunted,
> it seems that they have actually been pushed backwards?  For instance,
> when I wore a fluorescent orange jumpsuit and leaped out from behind a
> bush and bellowed "ORANGE ORANGE ORANGE" at persons passing by on the
> street, all twenty of them moved backwards away from me.  Seven of them
> moved over ten meters, only stopping when their backs were to a brick
> wall, and three of these did not move from their place until I moved
> away from them.
>      Clearly, they were daunted by the sheer orangeness of the
> phenomenon and the dauntforce slammed them back into a wall and held
> them there so hard that they could not move until the local focus of
> orangeness, that is, I, moved away from them.
>      But I have not yet derived the rules under which the dauntforce
> operates...  some of the test subjects were more easily daunted, while
> others were positively dauntless.
>      What substances will block the most common manifestations of the
> dauntforce?  Optical-quality glass coated with a daunt-opaque film would
> render daunting objects invisible, thereby achieving one of the greatest
> dreams of all mankind, namely truly peril-sensitive sunglasses.
>      What substances are naturally more daunting than others?  I do not
> believe that the daunforce can only be a property of fluorescent orange
> objects.
>      I have already discovered that the dauntforce decreases in
> intensity over distance, but does it follow the inverse-square law that
> the other forces follow?
>      I know that this is a daunting question, but I know that You can
> give me an answer that will seem halfway reasonable, which is more than
> any physicist I've spoken to yet can do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   You must recognize that the dauntforce is only slightly weaker than
} the gravitational force.  Since g=9.8 m/s^2, and most humans can only
} accelerate at .73 m/s^2, you can see that the dauntforce is weaker than
} gravity.  However, the effects of the dauntforce are much more
} impacting than gravity.  You can shatter a man's mind with the
} dauntforce, while you can only shatter a man's body with gravity ... or
} a Buick, but I digress.
}
}   I have formulated a formula (how conveeeenient) that relates the
} magnitude of daunt with the lunacy of the emitter of the dauntforce:
}
}                            ___    l
}                        D= \      x  (l!) / x^3
}                           /___
}
}        where D= dauntforce
}              l= lunacy of the emitter
}              x= distance between emitter and reciever
}
}   As for what can prevent the effects of the dauntforce, it is all
} according in what form the force is perceived.  If it is some lunatic..
} er .. emitter that jumps out of the bushes wearing orange yelling
} 'ORANGE ORANGE ORANGE', the effects can be couneracted by the use of a
} Buick running into the emitter, or just being a lun... er.. emitter
} yourself.
}
}   There are other forms that the dauntforce may portray itself, but I
} find that the best way to counteract the dauntforce is to have more
} dauntforce than the one who is daunting you.
}
} .....PURPLE PURPLE PURPLE PURPLE PURPLE WITH GREEN POLKADOTS!
}
}   So there.  ... BOO!
}
}   You owe the Oracle a Buick.


303-04    (04530 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> One of our secretaries has the initials IBM.  What is the significance
> of this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ignore this!  Do not pay attention!  It is absolutely not important!
} There is no secret conspiracy of IBM androids.  They are not
} infiltrating offices all over the country.  Your personal habits are
} not being carefully noted.  You are still receiving all of your
} important mail.  Have no fear.  Remember, you are surrounded by caring
} friends, not concealed enemies.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest customized IBM female android.


303-05    (12720 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If J.S.Bach was alive today, would he hang out with Phillip Glass,
> J.M.Jarre, Axel Rose, or Billy Graham?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you mortals insist on asking me questions as directly as you
} would your local bartender?  I realize that you can't conceive of a
} being who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent, but really -- I
} gave you the rules regarding the proper measures of respect and
} submissiveness to use when addressing The Great Oracle, and I gave them
} simply enough for even your limited cranial capacity to comprehend.
} Next time I take one of your toes.
}
} Not another question about a dead celebrity!  I fail to see why there
} is so much interest in what the dead would be doing now if they were
} alive.  But given popular culture like "Bill and Ted's Excellent
} Adventure," it's obviously a fixation on Terra Firma, so I will wake
} poor Bach to trouble him with your question.
}
} Johann Sebastian Bach, or "Johnnie," as he prefers to be referred to in
} The Afterlife, has given your question some thought, and he will speak
} to you through me now.
}
} Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnnie!!!!!:
}
} "My dear 20th century fancier, let me first say how good it is to be
} speaking to you through the Cosmic Continuum.  You are receiving me
} clearly, I hope?
}
} Your question regards my preferences for a companion amongst several
} modern names.
}
} First, I quickly dismiss Billy Graham.  He is a disgrace to all called
} holy, and he commits the ultimate sin -- he is boring.  There is a
} certain musical quality about the silence heard so infrequently in his
} presence, and that I would opt for tenfold beyond the company of such
} an idiot.  Besides, he has no taste.  Look at what he wears!
}
} On the other hand, I enjoy Phillip Glass, and might take the
} opportunity to converse with him over a snifter of brandy about music
} theory, but I doubt we would make more than occasional dinner
} companions.  I get strange vibes from him.
}
} I also enjoy Jean-Michel Jarre.  I have all his CDs.  I even attended
} his concert in China -- that was me, the cold draft in the left
} orchestra.  I certainly prefer him to his father, Maurice Jarre, the
} filmscore composer. Aaah, poor Maurice!  To try so hard and achieve so
} little.  Oh well.  Anyway, my French has lapsed, so conversing with JM
} might be difficult.
}
} Axel Rose is a name I do not know.  Is he a rabbi?"
}
} Goodnight Johnnie.  Sorry to disturb your eternal sleep.
}
} You owe Johnnie Bach a box of Extra-Strength Sominex, and you owe the
} Oracle a subscription to Opus.


303-06    (11442 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oracle, whose very source code I am unfit to read even in the
> form of a hex dump, You are my last hope.
>       Why do I want to perform cunnilingus on every nun I see?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You obviously want to lick the habit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Playboy's "Girls of the Dominican Order"
} issue.


303-07    (36300 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't people accept compliments?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not only can I accept them, I seem to demand them most of the time
} before I talk to anyone ... but you...


303-08    (13341 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Help!  (pant pant)  I'm wrestling with existential despair, and
> I'm losing!  Please (thud) help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Okay, just calm down.  There's nothing to be afraid of.
} Existential Despair is ill-defined and fuzzy in the best of cases, and
} so you shouldn't have any trouble overcoming it, if you follow these
} simple instructions:
}
} 1- Watch the existential referee.  If he's not looking, do something
}       like pull your opponents hair, bite him, or hit him with a
}       wrench.  If the crwod boos, it means you are doing well.
}
} 2- When your opponent makes an attempt to hit or kick you, slap your
}       thigh or the mat.  Not only will the thousands of hopeless
}       slobs )who paid good money to see you and The Heavyweight
}       Champion "Existential Despair" duke it out) believe that he
}       really hit you, but so will he, and he won't put as much force
}       into the punch.
}
}       2a- If he tries the same thing, hit him as hard as you can
}               anyway.  These things are all choreographed anyway,
}               and he'll figure you did it on purpose.  The champ,
}               he's getting on in years, and the thousands of times
}               he's been pile-driven into the mat hasn't helped the
}               old gray matter, if you take my meaning.
}
} 3- Use one of the following:  (They are illegal, bu tthe only people
}       who know this are the fans.  The ref is clueless.)
}               Full Nelson
}               Choke Hold
}               Pile Driver (The champ actually likes this to happen)
}               Sledgehammer (A real one)
}               Run over him with a tank
}               UZI (or any other automatic or semi-automatic capable
}                       of taking down a charging rhino)
}               /Release the man eating tiger.
}
} 4- If all of the above fails, tag your partner, and while you are on
}       the way uot of the ring, both of you can go at him for a
}       second.  This second can be up to 5 minutes in length, at
}       which time the ref may actually notice something.
}
}       You owe the oracle one of those skimpily clad boofs you always
} take with you and who get to stand at the edge of the ring with your
} towel.


303-09    (23241 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most coniferous and wise,
>
> Is Satanism really evil? Or is this just a vicious lie started by the
> Christian church?   I regularly smear myself in the entrails of several
> large animals and I'm noticed no ill effects so far, other than social
> ones (do you realise how hard it is to get a date smelling like donkey
> guts?)   Tell me Oracle, is what I'm doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all depends on how you define "evil" doesn't it ?
}
} Actually this whole evil schtick was caused by a breakup between the
} Holy Trinity (known as Big Daddy, Junior and Spooky to us immortals)
} and Satan himself (otherwise known as Chuck).
}
} I was actually resident in Heaven at this point but left in a hurry
} over a slight disagreement to do with an asteriod (I swear it was an
} accident, and besides those dinosaurs weren't getting anywhere anyway.
} But you try telling that to Big Daddy and ... But I digress).
}
} Well, it appeared that Chuck had picked up a new friend amongst the
} various gods floating around. Name of Lillith. Anyhow, he took her
} home, and thats when the trouble started. Seems the idea of sex as fun
} had never really struck Big Daddys mind (although Junior seemed quite
} interested), and when Chuck started creating whips, chains, and some
} really interested leather clothing, Big Daddy put his foot down.
}
} One thing left to another, and after trading insults ("Athiest
} !!","Agnostic !" ), Chuck decided to leave home, moving in with
} Lillith, and redoing that particular plane in an interesting fire
} decor. Big Daddy immediately sent a message to any worshippers at that
} or any future time that sex involving whips chains etc was considered a
} no-no. Since I wasn't around at that time (I was involved in pushing
} you guys to invent Stonehenge and play with abacuses) he didn't realise
} that this would be taken too literally by humans, and they went off at
} a tangent and invented "evil".
}
} So yes, Satan is evil, but he's enjoying it. As regards the donkey
} entrails, thats a bit TOO kinky for me, so I'll leave you to it. If you
} want to keep on rolling in them, and need a date, I suggest you try
} another species such as dogs. ( Another thing Big Daddy frowns on due
} to the time Gabriel was trying out shape-changing but we won't go into
} that).
}
} You owe the Oracle an uncensored version of the Bible.


303-10    (11622 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> IS THERE A REASON WHY THERE SHOULD BE A GRADING SYSTEM IN COLLEGE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, that's it! I've had it up to _HERE_ with disrespectful mortals
} not beginning their questions with the required supplications, using
} all upper case, and deluging The Oracle with stupid, inane questions
} that a monkey with one defective lobe could answer in its sleep!
}
} It's time to set an example, I think, and you're IT!
}
} (The Oracle is normally a patient deity, but there are limits to
}  even godly endurance).
}
} I see you're a student.. Working on your degree, are you?
}
} Figure you're going to spend the four to six years in a glorious whirl
} of discovery, eh? Each day a cruicible of new and exciting mental
} corundums, your horizons expanding under the influence of an
} enlightened faculty diligently striving to stimulate and challenge your
} fertile and receptive mind?
}
} Oh, and afterwards of course, armed with your new certificate of
} hard-won achievement, you'll sally forth into the world, your new
} knowledge allowing you to scale the walls of corporate fortresses with
} ease. The respect and homage of your collegues coming almost
} effortlessly as they gaze in envy and admiration at the proudly
} displayed diploma on the walls of your (naturally private) office.
} Management will come often to you for advice, your wisdom an asset
} which you will parlay into quick promotion and eventual riches
}
} HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
}
} Not if I have anything to say about it, buster..
}
} Let's see here.. This will probably take just a few small reality
} tweaks in the vicinty of your current educational institution; should
} be a snap (for someone as godly as myself of course). First off, your
} "glorious whirl of discovery" is right out. Instead, I'm gonna make it
} a bone-wearying rehash of your last year of High School, just the books
} will be different (which I suppose I should make you pay exhorbitant
} rates for.. Yeah!).
}
} The exciting challanges will be replaced with a mind numbing series of
} plodding exhumations of various dull and inane topics (I think a series
} of Sociology courses will be just the thing for you).  The enlightened
} faculty? Hmmmm. I think this is going to be one of the best parts. A
} more neurotic collection of braindead pedants you'll not find anywhere
} after I'm through with them..
}
} Oh, and the grades? That will be the best part. They'll make no sense
} at all, even though you and all the other mindless little drones will
} measure everything by them! Haha!
}
} Should I muck with the "Afterwards" part? Hmmm. Hell, why not.. You've
} pissed me off. For you, one airless cubicle, furnished in the "early
} modern carcinogenic materials" style. Your neighboring cubicle-mates
} will not only be unimpressed by your degree, but will actually look
} down on you for it. Your boss will sneer at you and even the cleaning
} staff will make jokes about you, albeit in spanish so you won't even
} know they're doing it.
}
} You owe The Oracle the interest on your second mortgage and a copy
} of your first divorce papers.


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