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Internet Oracularities #304

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Usenet Oracularities #304    (14 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 12 May 91 08:16:52 -0500

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304   14 votes 04631 05621 06431 15440 27221 05360 63311 24422 36311 23621
304   2.7 mean  3.1   2.9   2.9   2.8   2.5   3.1   2.1   2.9   2.4   2.8


304-01    (04631 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY IS THERE SEVEN DAYS IN A WEEK?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's editor has corrected your question:
}
} > WHY ARE THERE SEVEN DAYS IN A WEEK?
}
} And then the Oracle was able to ponder deeply.
}
} Many, many years ago, some say before Ronald Reagan was born,
} only five days were in a week.  The days Monday through
} Friday were used because no concept of the weekend had evolved.
} Everybody was happy working five out of five days.
}
} Years later, during the Great Depression, a great many people
} were unable to find work.  People complained bitterly that they
} weren't able to work 100% of the time, and the government, of
} course, intervened.  It was decreed that two extra days, Saturday
} and Sunday, would be added to each week.  The government was
} satisfied because unemployment had dropped by 29%.
}
} Congress is currently debating a bill to reduce unemployment by
} adding an additional day to the week.  Taxday would be inserted
} between Wednesday and Thursday.  No work would be done but taxes
} would be collected on the wages you should have been earning.
}
} You owe the Oracle one day's pay.


304-02    (05621 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to purchase a Doberman.  What company manufactures them, and
> where should I take it to get it serviced?
>
> main(){int *mouse;for(*mouse=0;*mouse<5;*mouse++){SQUEAK}}
>
> ps: Is it against the law to cut the label off the Doberman?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Several fine firms manufacture Dobermans now that the patent protection
} has run out.  Only one firm has the rights (in the U.S., anyhow) to the
} name "Doberman": Doberman America, but other firms manufacture
} equivalent dogs -- identical dogs, in fact.
}
} Other American firms are U. S. Attack Dogs, Doberdyne (winner of
} several recent government Doberman contracts for special olive-drab
} Dobermans), Dobermory, and Dobriety.  Prices are similar.
}
} Consider an Asian-made Doberman.  Osaka Canines makes a reliable model
} at a reasonable price, as does Nigra Sum Sed Formosa Dogs of Taipei.
} Recent production under license by Dai Sun Puk Animals of Korea has
} resulted in some exceedingly inexpensive Dobermans.
}
} Service is a problem except with the Doberman America dogs, which have
} a huge service network of pet stores throughout North America, Europe,
} and Australia.  Dobriety has a contract with Firestone to do service on
} Dobermans, but quite frankly the expertise of the Firestone people is
} questionable.  Osaka Canines has Authorized Service Centers set up in
} major American and European cities, with toll-free numbers in the U. S.
} Dai Sun Puk products are reliable and cheap enough to throw out if they
} break, and may be the best choice.  They are also especially delicious.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rawhide chew toy.


304-03    (06431 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" <DGR0093@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, my doctor has prescribed 10% Tincture of Girl for me, two
> teaspoons a day before bedtime.  Why?  What is it supposed to do for
> me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is very lazy.  Very VERY lazy.  In particular, too lazy to
} check to see what sex you happen to be.  So, there are three
} possibilities:
}
} 1) You are female.  Your doctor is a hack analyst who has convinced you
} that there is such a thing as Tincture of Girl, and has prescribed it
} to you in the hopes that you will believe that it increases your breast
} size and improves the quality of the skin, so that you will have a
} better self image.  It's a bunch of crap, of course, but who knows?
} Stranger things work if you really believe in them.  If it works, you
} owe the Oracle a date.
}
} 2) You are male.  Your doctor has a name like "Frankenstein" and has a
} gnarled little assistant named "Igor" or "Boris" or something like that
} there.  His labora...er...office is filled with strange machines and
} blinking lights and empty cages.  He is transforming you into a woman
} to marry his monstrous creation which lives in the dungeon.  Boris is
} the result of an earlier, failed experiment.  Acquire a taste for
} mascara.  You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding.
}
} 3) Other.  Green butterflies are circling your head, and the other
} snake has gone away.  The walls tell you that Thursday is larger than
} Richard Nixon.  You owe the Oracle two hits of whatever you're doing.


304-04    (15440 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, whose oranges are like unto melons, and
> whose pecans are like unto Brazil nuts,
>
>       What could possibly be more holy than crossword puzzles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a devotee of the Acrostic Church, a rare but ludicrous backwater in
} the toxic waste-poisoned river of western religion!  To enlighten those
} unfamiliar with Acrosticism, the Oracle will quote today's reading from
} the Book of the Prophet Maleska [(c) New York Times, 1991].  "23 Across
} Handsome, mascular guy" From the deep meanings of these, the words of
} God as transcribed by Maleska, the Acrostics divine the true structure
} of the world, the fate of mankind after death, and what is an
} eight-letter word for "Grebe".
}
} But let us to the question at hand.  The Oracle does not wish to muddy
} your clear view of eternity, O Faithful One, but many things are more
} holy by far than crossword puzzles.  Indeed, in Brumacher's
} Cosmological Catalogue of All That Holy, crossword puzzles only rate
} #54,346.  Brumacher, of course, used the standard formula for
} normalizing holiness, balancing devotion against number of devotees.
} Just to put that in perspective, the ten objects immediately more holy
} than crossword puzzles are:
}
} 54,345)       The lightbulb inside the refrigerator.
} 54,344) That little spring inside a red Bic Click pen.
} 54,343) Page 112 of the Penguin edition of "The Hobbit".
} 54,342) Carol Burnett, but only in re-runs.
} 54,341) Blue bread mold.
} 54,340) Leptons.
} 54,339) George Bush's fibrillating arteries.
} 54,338) Dog vomit.
} 54,337) A 1909 S Lincoln-head penny in very fine condition.
} 54,336) Thumb nail clippings.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nine-letter word for "Woman with insatiable sexual
} appetites," and her phone number.


304-05    (27221 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a man walk down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a very Dylanesque question, I must say.  And even though you failed
} to regale the Almighty Oracle with a modicum of grovelling, the fine
} spring weather inside has put me in such a good mood, that I will
} condescend myself to answer this question without your obsecration.
}
} How many roads... road, in this case implies a lane or avenue or path
} of transportation.  This is not to be confused with the past tense of
} ride.  But then you knew that, since it would be silly to pluralize
} the past tense of a verb, not to mention being grammatically absurd.
}
} must a man....  or woman, as the case may be.  Man in this case implies
} an adult human.  It can, in fact, imply any sentient, cognizant being
} with or without humanoid characteristics.  In order to simplify this
} answer, we will assume it means the basic, bi-pedal, mortal humanoid.
}
} man walk...  walk, of course, indicating any means of transport on this
} "road".  This walk could be a desperate crawl or a hurried sprint.  The
} walk could in be a bicycle ride, or the carefree, childish act of
} skipping.  If it were winter, it might be a trek on skis or skates.
} It could be an automobile ride, or a gnarly, skateboard slalom.
} It could even be the propulsion of a humanoid by means of moving the
} pedal appendages forward, one after the other.... oh, that's a walk.
} The point is that we have some means of propelling the man down the
} road.
}
} walk down... down is not necessarily a direction or indication of
} declination.  When used with the verb walk, down becomes a fairly
} useless adverb, probably included to ensure proper iambic pentameter.
} It could be replaced by any number of other adverbs, such as along or
} through or by way of.  One might think that down refers to the
} traversing of a hill or knoll, but if this were the case, the walk
} could very easily turn into a soap-box derby race, provided of course
} that soap-boxes, wheels and racers were available.
}
} So, my non-self-debasing friend, in answer to your poorly stated
} question: What is the number of avenues of transportation that a
} bi-pedal, mortal humanoid must propel itself along?
}
} The answer is eleven.
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of Bob Dylan does Bon Jovi, and a new
} thesaurus.


304-06    (05360 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would the Animal Rights people do, if computer mice
> were really genetically engineered versions of the
> Real Thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You *are* a twisted sort, aren't you?
}
} Fortunately, you've come to the right place.  The Oracle (hi, there)
} has been privy (so to speak) of some of the most demented questions in
} the history of Homo sapiens, and so is uniquely qualified to request a
} major government grant for a scientific inquiry into this scenario.
}
} We set up our initial conditions for this scenario as follows:
}
}    (a) In conjunction with the Xerox Star project, Xerox PARC contracts
}       with a genetics research corporation to develop a white-rat
}       interface. The rat would have three small buttons wired into its
}       tiny little brain; the left button would cause the left hind leg
}       to gyrate wildly, the right button would cause the same thing in
}       the right hind leg, and the middle button would cause both hind
}       legs to flail about.  Attached to each hind leg was a small
}       accelerometer, which when activated, would transmit a radio signal
}       to a receiver inside the workstation. This was only the
}       prototype---the goal would be eventually to create a rat which had
}       a sensitive nose and ears, and would generate specific ultrasonic
}       squeaks, thereby giving away its position on the table, and which
}       feature had been pressed.
}
}    (b) Nearly a decade later, Apple Corporation would come out with a
}       rat interface which would emit a squeak if the user tapped its
}       head with a small rubber mallet.
}
}    (c) At the beginning, only the long-term antivivisectionist leagues
}       would be in place; the more-radical organizations would not exist
}       yet.
}
} Our results, unfortunately, weren't too surprising.  The Oracle
} Research Center (ORC) found that, in the simulation, nobody noticed the
} Xerox PARC project.  It was only after the Apple mallet-rat entered the
} picture that organizations began protesting, but even then, the
} expected uproar didn't occur.
}
} It was only after we incorporated a four-point scenario which involved
} a feline static-guard (a cat, wired into ground, which the user touched
} to discharge any static electricity) that several of the more radical
} blocs began appearing in the simulation.  Nobody really seemed to care
} about the mice, but introducing the cat brought about a flurry of
} literature and protests on the part of these new groups.
} Counterprotest, it was noted, was mostly ineffective, as it seemed that
} the computer manufacturers couldn't get the necessary rock stars to
} make a video promoting feline static-guards.  Note that in the
} simulation, there were approximately 12 million rat interfaces, and
} only *one* cat.
}
} It is notable that the situation worsened when we replaced the cat with
} a simian (specifically, a gibbon).  None of the simulated animal-rights
} literature even mentioned the rats, but the portfolios of the gibbon
} went on for page after page.
}
} You owe the Oracle one cat.


304-07    (63311 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ^[[;H^[[2J
> #############################################################

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has sent a representative to solve this problem...
}
} LRLRRLRRRLRLLRR
}
}                                  ___-----_____
}                              _-^^             ^^^^---____
}                             [                            ^-___-/\-_
}                             [                                    X \
}               --_        [                              __        \
}                  \___---[                            _-'  `-____--`o
}                            \   /  \   /------___\ /-\ /
}                             \ \    \ \           \\  \\
}                             //     //            //  //
} YOU KILLED MY BLOODY RAT!!!
}
} You owe the oracle 1 corn pea, and a better drawn rat


304-08    (24422 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since you know all there is to know, maybe you can answer this question
> that has haunted me since I was but a youngun.
>
> Why do I always lose one of my socks and gain an extra hanger in my
> closet? What *is* the coonection?
>
> I eagerly await your response.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, oh, why must I waste precious minutes on questions, when the
} answer can be found on Nova?
}
} Oh, very well.  I will quote from Nova - Tuesday May 28, 1991:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
}    Time...space...nature....
}
}    Since the dawn of time, man has sought to answer the questions that
} plague his very existence:  "WHY are we here?",  "Why are WE here?",
} "Why are we HERE?" and "What about socks and coathangers?".  Okay, so
} maybe you never wondered about that last one.  But Andy Rooney has, so
} we'll answer the question in the hopes that his column will go on to
} something more interesting.  Like swimsuits. I really like swimsuits.
} Especially the ones with the itty-bitty straps that move around when
} the women walk, and the ones that show every contour of the OW!
} alright, alright!
}
}                                  NOVA PRESENTS
}           Socks and Coathangers - The secret symbiosis of the species.
}
}    Neither the sock nor the common hanger are indigenous to the
} Americas.  Some ecologists now believe that socks were accidentally
} introduced to this continent by Scottish and German immigrants.  Dr.
} Hofkrank explains his theory:
}
}       Well, first, there is a, mmm, strong resemblence between the
}     Scottish traditional clothing and the American Argyle sock, a
}     species which has suprised us all by flourishing outside of it's
}     habitat, even threatening at times, to drive out the black businees
}     sock, introduced in the early 1900's by the British.
}
}       Second, we notice the tendency for those who wear argyle socks,
}     not to wear underwear.  We, have studies this, er, at length,, and
}     believe this to be the due to the Scottish influence of the socks.
}     Well, certainly, no self respecting black business sock wearer
}     would be caught dead without underwear.  And we've verified this,
}     too!  All black business sock wearers who've died in the past year,
}     were wearing underwear.  'Course, we can't observe them when
}     they're alive, because of the smell.  It drives our bow ties crazy.
}
}       Finally, we notice the pattern and the resemblance between the
}     argyle sock and the white sport sock.  Both are neither left-foot
}     nor right-foot oriented.  They both have the little extra stretchy
}     part for the heel, and they also have the little lip at the top
}     that tends to curl over when the sock gets old.
}
} Many people have critized Dr. Hofkrank's theories, saying that socks
} evolved with the rest of the clothing and is a descendant of an
} illegitimate mating between the sandal and the glove.  Some of his more
} rabid critics claim that Hofkrank himself is, in a word, flat out
} nutso.  Make that three words.  Dr. Hofkrank argues this poin:
}
}       I am not flat out nutso!
}
} One thing is certain, though.  By 1929 there were entirely too many
} socks. The New York Sock Exchange suddenly realized that they could
} simply pluck the things in the wild and not have to pay anything for
} them.  The bottom fell out of the market and America was plunged into
} the great Deppression.  The government hired crop sprayers to
} exterminate the wild species.  They tried Detergents, dyes and
} bleaches, but still the species prevailed.  Then, in 1936, a literature
} student of USCSDSGS U stumbled upon the idea of using a natural enemy
} of the sock to weed out the species.  After some research, he decided
} that the coat hanger would be the best candidate.  He was right and his
} discovery led to a master's degree in Ecology.  Unfortunately, he had
} wanted to go into literature.  Not knowing what to do with this cruel
} blow fate had struck him across the cheek, right between his left ear
} and the left corner of the lip, where it stung him when he tried to
} smile, he, uh.  I'd better start over. Not know what to do with this
} cruel blow that fate had struck him, he committed suicide and wrote a
} book about it.
}
} His idea, though, was a success.  Not only did the coat hangers succeed
} in restoring the ecological balance, but they actually proved viable in
} maintaining that balance naturally.  At first, government formed the
} Ickological Restoration of Socks program (They never have been good
} spellers) to perform regular surveys and issue sock hunting licenses to
} help reduce the population.  However, after Argylegate, the press
} convinced the public that this responsibility should be left in the
} hands of the public.  Thus was it agreed that, when a person reaches
} the legal voting age in the USA, by registering for the draft, he
} agrees to take on all sock-related ecological responsibilities in his
} household.
}
} What you, as a concerned (or apathetic, since there seem to be a lot of
} you) citizen can do to maintain your sock collection:
}
} 1) Wash them regularly.  If you do not, their natural odor will attract
}    other socks and they will begin breeding out of control.
} 2) Destroy them in pairs only.  This is the only humane way to do it,
}    as socks mate for life.
} 3) Never store socks in the same area as coat hangers.  The hangers are
}    indiscriminate eaters and will eat until they're so twisted that
}    they're no longer good for breaking into cars.
} 4) If you find you have too many socks, wash them more often.  This
}    will slowly reduce their population by draining them of their natural
}    dyes.
} 5) If you find you have too few socks, you should check you coat hanger
}    population and further isolate the two.
}
} Next week on Nova:
}   High powered business men who pick their noses
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Well, there you have it.  In a nutshell, from a nut.
}
} You owe the Oracle two hundred toes cut from virgin wool socks.


304-09    (36311 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      I speak three languages.  Does that make me a cunning linguist,
> and, if so, why is it still so damned hard to pick up women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has made a connection between the words linguist and
} the ability to pick up women.  Unfortunately, skills like these
} are only useful at )(^&G:VDOP#^%
}
} message from CPU-93n3 to Oracle:
} !Phonetic checker delayed.  Sorry, O great Oracle.
} !
} !Possible play on words exists:
} !       "so damned hard" --> possible reference to male genitalia.
} !       Reason: "so damned hard", four letter word ending in "ck",
} !               and "women" used in close proximity.
} !Reason code=CPV303
}
} Sorry about that.  We've been running into some delays due to
} our large batch job (earth).  My phonetic checker indicates you
} have asked a sexual question.  I concur.  I will forward your
} message to the most experienced sexologist on earth.
}
} Forward-to: in%"Ted.Kennedy%waste.corrupt.org@senate.gov"
} ^Z


304-10    (23621 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>       Are there any other uses for a penis besides urination and sex?
> Feminists claim that it can be used to oppress women, but that doesn't
> sound like that much fun and anyhow I don't see how to use it that way.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, they say it makes a great hood ornament...


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