} What is this? No supplication? No gratuitous and obtuse flattery?
} No begging and grovelling? And then you have the nerve to follow your
} inane question with a quotation from a 20 year old "Yes" song? That's
} the idea, mortal. Get on my good side. Why not call me "Floyd the
} Barber" and sing me excerpts from ABBA's greatest hits? Spit on my
} Gucci shoes while humming "Pop goes the weasel". You'd have a better
} chance of getting my attention by shaving my head while reciting the
} words to the "Banana boat song" by tapping out the letters in Morse
} code on my magnificent scrotum. Humans: You can't live with 'em, which
} is why we immortals hang out here in Valhalla.
} Fortunately for you, puny and impolite mortal, your question has an
} answer that deals with a subject that I've been waiting decades to
} talk about. You are quite lucky, soon-to-be-worm-food.
} The twenty cent pay phone is a typo, perpetuated by AT&T since the
} US government forced the breakup of Ma Bell. (AT&T is, by the way,
} a minor miracle away from becoming a demigod, where it will enjoy
} the luxury of drinking and dining with us deities, although at the
} smaller table at the end of the hall. We denizens of the astral
} plane are quite excited, since we haven't had a corporation here
} since we kicked out IBM for using a hyped up CP/M deviant as the
} operating system for the PCs. But I digress.)
} Anyway, the twenty cent pay phone is a typo that should read twenty
} PERcent pay phone. This mistake was perpetuated by AT&T after the
} breakup of their monopoly. They realized that healthy, capitalist
} competition would greatly gouge their propitious profits. They set
} up these misaligned kiosks across the country, taking twenty percent
} from every user of the device. (A move that quite impressed Zeus,
} Oden, and me.)
} The bottom line is, you don't get your quarter back because AT&T
} takes 20% at the twenty PERcent pay phone, leaving you with only
} two dimes.
} But the twenty percent kickback includes not only money, but whatever
} the patron of the phone booth used it for. For example, you know that
} when you drive along the highway, you will often see one sock or one
} shoe. These clothes used to belong to Superman. They were taken by
} the 20% booth when he would change from his lame Clark Kent disguise
} to go fight evil doers. (Superman also sits at the small table at
} the end of the hall.) Sometimes the booth would take his underpants
} or a shirt, but usually just one sock and one shoe. AT&T is kinky
} that way.
} As another example, many people will go to a phone booth just to look
} up someone's street address in the book. Have you noticed that most
} booths are missing the phone book? That's because every time someone
} uses the book to look up an address, the booth takes 20% of the pages.
} After a dozen such ventures, the book is worthless.
} Anyway, you don't get your quarter back because your not *supposed* to
} get your quarter back. The booth takes 20% of something whenever it
} can. Which leads me to this word of caution: Whatever you do, don't
} have sex in a phone booth. Lisa used to be a 65 DDDD and I used to
} have a penis nearly half a mile long until we spent the weekend in
} a phone booth on Fiji. You know the AT&T commercial where the guy
} calls Phoenix and the guy in Fiji answers "Whakka-hanno-picha-si"?
} That's Melanesian for "The Oracle lost most of his penis in this
} phone booth."
} You owe the oracle 20% of your genitalia.