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Internet Oracularities #305

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Usenet Oracularities #305    (13 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 14 May 91 06:55:26 -0500

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305   13 votes 10552 05620 13342 13342 03613 21541 14422 02362 14251 20632
305   3.2 mean  3.5   2.8   3.2   3.2   3.3   3.1   3.0   3.6   3.1   3.2


305-01    (10552 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Helf!  I am tied to a burning log, suspended five thousand feet over a
> rushing river about to flow over a cliff and plunge into a deadly
> cyanide ocean full of robot sharks.  What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} excerpts from "Superguy: the world's Greatest Hero."
} **********************************************************************
}
} Cluck Drent was in the newsroom getting his nerves up to ask Lois out
} on a date. Yeah, he was Superguy, and Lois loved Superguy. But he
} wanted to go out with her as plain old everyday Cluck. Besides which,
} superguy or no superguy, the writers of the damn comic book never
} allowed him to have sex... and he was starting to get a bit mad about
} that. He started walking over to Lois' office, practicing pick-up lines
} along the way and stopping occasionally to ogle female staffers with
} his X-ray vision. But before he had a chance to get to Lois' office,
} his sensitive hearing detected a scream of terror coming from Lois'
} office and a tinkle as glass shattered. He rushed to the office only to
} find a note addressed to Superguy next to the office's broken window.
} The note was from his arch-enemy, that dreaded Bald Dude. The Bald Dude
} had kidnapped Lois (again) and was putting her in a situation certain
} to end in her demise(again),  forcing Superguy to come to her
} rescue(again) so that he could trap Superguy and finally emerge
} victorious. Superguy was really getting sick of this crap. Bald Dude
} did the same thing every week. The man had no imagination.
}     Cluck leaped into a phone booth, getting ready to change clothes.
} He was forced to make a hasty retreat into a different phone booth while
} being chased by some little old lady shouting "Pervert!!!!" at the top
} of her lungs.  When he finally managed to switch into his Superguy
} outfit, he took to the air, in search of Lois.
}     "Hmmm," he thought as he finally found out where she was, "At least
} the Bald Dude's made things a bit more interesting this time." He saw
} Lois as he approached. She was tied to a burning log, five thousand feet
} above a rushing river about to flow over a cliff,plunging into a deadly
} cyanide ocean filled with robotic sharks.
}     Faster than a speeding train (which had just been pulled over by a
} cop), our hero swooped dramatically forward and caught the log just as
} it was about to fall into the cyanide. Then as an afterthought, he
} smashed the sharks to pieces with one hand while holding the log in the
} other. As he flew away, he used his super-halitosis-breath to put out
} the fire, knocking Lois out in the process. Eventually,she recovered
} and gave him a loving look.
}      He untied her from the log, and as their lips were about to meet
} for a soul-searing kiss, a voice suddenly said...
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with Lana Lang.


305-02    (05620 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings, Most Lofty Oracle, whose judgement is (more often than not)
> unquestionable, and whose wisdom is (frequently) unprecedented, I
> approach you in the grip of somewhat of a dilemna.
>
> What do you mean, "Who gives a flying f--k"?  _I_ do!  I've got a
> Master's Thesis riding on this!  So tell me (please), what (in your
> best estimation), is narcophilosolepsy??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jeez.  Another clueless graduate student.  It must be the recession, or
} something.. they're thick like flies this year!  Anyway.. from the
} Oracle's personal copy of "Academic Afflictions," 7th ed., 1995, MIT
} Press:
}
} narco/philo/so/lepsy, var. narco/philo/sopho/lepsy: lit. 'sleeping
} love-wisdom disease'. An abnormality common among Nth-year graduate
} students, characterized by torpor, black subocular indentations, and
} general insensitivity to stimulii, triggered by acute boredom and loss
} of purpose.  Afflicted students may continue their studies for five,
} ten, or even twenty years at some institutions, never becoming
} conscious enough of their surroundings to rouse themselves to graduate.
}   See also: Tenure track, Assistant professor, DARPA.
}
} There.  With proper care and feeding, you should be able to nurse that
} fragment of factual information into.. oh.. six or seven publications
} in more-or-less reputable journals.  Hello?  Hello...?
}
} Oh dear.  Another fine mind ravaged by NP.  Tsk.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Springer-Verlag spring catalogue and a Velamint.


305-03    (13342 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most mighty and powerful, please tell me:
>
> According to my newspaper, President Bush has chosen Texas A&M
> University to be the site for his Presidential library. In light of
> what tamu puts you through, how can you allow this? Do you have some
> high purpose of punishment in mind for the LAMEHEAD, JOHN FRANK:
> Students?
>
> Thank you for your counsil on this most pressing matter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bush: ...and so, as you head out to join the workforce of our great
}   nation, you may rest assured that your government, a government of
}   the people, is being managed prudently.
}
} <Applause>
}
} Bush: I have time for a few questions.
}
} WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: STUDENT
}
} MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT DO YOU FEEL WAS ACCOMPLISHED IN THE GULF WAR?
}
} WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: STUDENT
}
} Bush: Stop screaming, son, I heard your question.  The Gulf War
} represents the dawn of a new world order, a new cooperation among the
} nations of the world, a new...
}
} WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: STUDENT
}
} OH, ENOUGH OF THAT CRAP.  YOU'RE STILL SELLING ARMS TO EVERY COUNTRY
} THAT HAS A FEW MILLION FOR YOUR FRIENDS AT GENERAL DYNAMICS, AND
} PLAYING BUDDY-BUDDY WITH THAT BUTCHER IN SYRIA.  HEY, WE'RE COLLEGE
} GARDUATES, BUCKWHEAT, EVEN IF WE DID GO TO A HICK AG SCHOOL IN THE
} MIDDLE OF NOWHERE: WE'RE SMART ENOUGH TO SEE THAT ALL YOU WANTED WAS A
} BOOST IN THE POLLS.
}
} WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: STUDENT
}
} Secret Service Agent: Please step this way, sir.
}
} WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: STUDENT
}
} WHAT IS THIS?  WHO ARE YOU?  WHAT DO YOU WA-
}
} WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: FEDERAL PRISONER
}
} You owe the Oracle $17 million in surface-to-surface missiles, and a
} few thousand F15's, and a couple of them nifty smart bomb systems.


305-04    (13342 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I ask a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       No.  If you could, you might sound intelligent and prove my
} prognosis completely wrong!  Since the Oracle is never wrong, you
} are in fact quite stupid and therefore, cannot ask a question.. QED.
}
}                                                       Oracle.


305-05    (03613 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Grand and Wise and Really Snappy Dresser Oracle:
>
> In a recent answer, you said "Stop being a stupid con-dupe and wake up!
> (Or kill me.)"  Are we supposed to believe that the Oracle is "Bob"
> as well?  How many omniscient/all-powerful beings are you supposed to
> be?  Could the Christian God and, say, Allah be packed in there, too?
> How 'bout Buddha?  Zeus?  Cuthulhu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Sorry, but No, the Oracle does not have Bob in him.  There are only
} four beings inside the Oracle's body.  They are:
}   1.) The Oracle Himself.  (At the moment...at some other time it might
}       be Herself.)
}   2.) Lisa...well, actually, this one's more the other way
}       around...never mind.
}   3.) Elvis.  Elvis is in everybody, though, so this isn't very
}       significant.  (Well, he's in everybody except Michael J. Fox...
}       see Mojo Nixon's song "Elvis Is Everywhere" for further details.)
}   4.) Cutethulhu.  A three-inch high demon with pink fuzzy tentacles.
}       Adorable.
}
} As you can see, there is no Bob on this list.
}
} You owe the Oracle some slack, man.


305-06    (21541 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Question:
>
> If I'm in love with someone but I'm leaving the country for the year,
> should I fall for her now or wait until I return (knowing, of course,
> that she may fall in love with another in my absence)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} $$$$$$$$$$ Subliminal question detected, parsing ceased.
} %RVMS_PARSE_SUPPLICANT_QUERY terminated.
}
} % xlate -subliminal > tty
}
} Supplicant Inquiry Translator  rev 5.23 (beta)
} -subliminal filter loaded
} -Translation begins....
}
} <chugga, chugga, whirrrrrlll, grnnt, grnnnnttt, wakka wokka> <ding>
}
} If I've really got the hots for this babe, but I'm going to Grand
} Cayman for a year to gaze at some really serious tanned flesh, should I
} go ahead and bop her brains out now (knowing full well I probably could
} care less about her in a few weeks) ?
}
} -Translation completed.
} % logout
}
} Ah HA!!  Thought you could pull one over on the Oracle, eh?  Yeah,
} sure. Trying to pass off your unbridled hormones in a shroud of false
} morality. You should be ashamed of yourself!  What a cold, calculated,
} unfeeling person you must be to attempt to take advantage of such a
} situation, and try to rationalize it in such a thinly veiled disguise.
} Oh well, it's your conscience, bud.
}
} Oh, what the hell, go for it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a postcard from Grand Cayman and your stateside
} babe's phone number.


305-07    (14422 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise and mighty Oracle, whose haircut is the envy of us all.
>
> If day is day and night is night and east is east and west is west,
> how can I get into Sally's pants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.. obviously, another silly college student with no concept of how
} the IF--HOW logical construct works, and a serious preoccupation with
} sex.  While the second of these is fairly common, normal, and even to
} be admired, I'm afraid that the failure to understand a simple logical
} construct is startling.
}
} IF (condition) {THEN} HOW (question)
}
} Where (condition) is one or more boolean conditionals and (question) is
} what you want to know how to answer.
}
} Now, your conditions are silly, boring, and trivial... and quite valid.
} East is, by definition, east, and the same holds true for the other
} three.  Although there HAS been some discussion as to whether or not
} night is really night, or just a day with no sunshine.
}
} Your question is, unfortunately, not validly stated.  "Can I get into
} Sally's pants?" is simply not going to work here.  Replace it with
} something more in keeping with the structure of the construct:
}
} "If day is day and night is night and east is east and west is west,
}  how can I ask such stupid questions of the almighty Oracle?"
}
} See?  The difference is amazing.
}
} Oh, you can't get into Sally's pants... they are way too small for you.
} She's a size 5 at most, and for you to successfully cross-dress you'll
} need to get at least a size 24 or 26.
}
} You owe tthe Oracle Sally's phone number.


305-08    (02362 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Queen to Bishop's Bedroom, Mate!  What do you think of that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Rasputin's Gambit. I didn't realise mortals knew moves from
} World-Chess.
}
} The standard answers to this are :
}
} King to Gun Cupboard :- the "Lese Majeste" Response.
} Queen to Pregnancy Test :- the "Uhoh extremis" Response.
} Bishop to Mistress, shortly followed by Queen to Mistress
}                      :- the "Catfight" Response.
} King to Pope :- The "Missionary to Angola" Response.
} Knight to Bishop's Bedroom. :- the "AC/DC" Response.
} Knight to Queen's Bedroom. :- the "Cathrine the Great" response.
} Knight, Queen, King, and Corgis to Bishops Bedroom
}                      :- the "offence against the Laws of Nature"
}                      Response.
} Queen to Executioners Block :- the "Henry VIII" Response.
} King into a neighbouring country :- the "Hussein" Response.
} King, Queen, and Bishop to shrink :- the "Woody Allen" response.
}
} But my personal favourite is Serving Maid to Queen's Bedroom, the
} "X-rated" response. Not only did this win me the title of Olympus
} Grand-Master for World-Chess for the 18th year in a row, it also
} provided Lisa and myself with many enjoyable hours of ideas...
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of how a mortal learnt to play
} World-Chess.


305-09    (14251 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, who's wisdom excedes my feeble comprehension,
> I seek insight into the following:
>
> Recently I was wandering the aisles (well, one aisle anyway) of a 24
> hour shopping establishment.  While I attempted to choose between a 6
> pack of Becks (regular) or Becks Dark, I was distracted by a man who
> (with great difficulty) selected a rather large bottle of Chivas
> something or other. As he stumbled away, I noticed his shopping cart
> contained only the following:
>     A large bottle of Chivas something or other
>     A Duraflame log
>     A large baseball bat
>
> I could have sworn he mumbled something about Lisa...
>
> Oh mighty Oracle, can you devine the meaning the shopping carts
> contents? (and does Lisa like Beck's Dark?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Journal entry #28: May 13
}
}      It is approaching a month now since Lisa threw me out of the
} apartment. I am beginning to have severe doubts about the wisdom
} of this quest. While I understand that women are entitled to "that
} time of the month", I can't help but wonder if sending me in search
} of "The Ultimate Cure" was not a little excessive.  For four weeks,
} I have watched myself slide from the trappings of an immortal god
} into the tattered rags of a derelict bum.  Watched as mortals, who
} used to grovel at my feet, now spit on me as I pass.
}      Today, I was again humiliated by these presumptuous creatures.
}  This quest of Lisa's took me into one of the darkest corners of
} mortal civilization, a "7-11". And as I was searching for this
} "Ultimate Cure", I looked over and met the eyes of one of "them".
} And do you know what I saw in those eyes? HUH? This cretin was
} actually looking down his nose at me, as if I had no right to even
} gaze upon him! If he only knew.  Someday, someday I'll make that
} one pay... God yes, will he pay!
}      In the meanwhile I'm stuck in another moldy cardboard box,
} trying to sleep in a pool of sewage. And for what?  I mean, when
} you stop and think about it, all I said was, "Honey, can you get
} me another Beck's Dark.  Cramps can't hurt that much."
}
}      Sigh... and so here I am; An all-mighty deity banished to the
} gutters of yet another mortal scum-hole. Destined, it appears, to
} search forever for some unknown object.  My only clue, a snatch of
} phrase caught from the screaming of an incoherent mad-women. I
} have turned this phrase over and over in my head for weeks now,
} all to no avail.  If I do not find the answer soon, I will have
} to return, begging forgiveness,  and offer Lisa the few meager
} items I have found; a Duraflame log, a baseball bat, and the
} bottle of Chivas Regal I acquired today.  I can only hope one of
} them is The Cure.
}      Until then I will continue to ponder that haunting phrase...
}
}                    "... something long and hard ..."
}
} (No, Lisa does not like Beck's Dark!!!)
}
} You owe the oracle a retread for his shopping cart wheels.


305-10    (20632 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do twenty cent phone booths not give me my quarter back when
>  I put in a quarter?
> ________________________________________________
> -xxxxxx.xxxxxxxx.ca.us - ucscc.ucsc.edu!xxxxxx -
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>   "Battleships confide in me, and tell me where you are.
>    Shining flying purple wolfhounds, show me where you are.
>     Lost in summer, morning, winter, travel very far.
>      Lost in losing circumstances, that's just where you are." - Jon
>                                                                 Anderson

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is this?  No supplication?  No gratuitous and obtuse flattery?
} No begging and grovelling?  And then you have the nerve to follow your
} inane question with a quotation from a 20 year old "Yes" song?  That's
} the idea, mortal.  Get on my good side.  Why not call me "Floyd the
} Barber" and sing me excerpts from ABBA's greatest hits?  Spit on my
} Gucci shoes while humming "Pop goes the weasel".  You'd have a better
} chance of getting my attention by shaving my head while reciting the
} words to the "Banana boat song" by tapping out the letters in Morse
} code on my magnificent scrotum.  Humans: You can't live with 'em, which
} is why we immortals hang out here in Valhalla.
}
} Fortunately for you, puny and impolite mortal, your question has an
} answer that deals with a subject that I've been waiting decades to
} talk about.  You are quite lucky, soon-to-be-worm-food.
}
} The twenty cent pay phone is a typo, perpetuated by AT&T since the
} US government forced the breakup of Ma Bell.  (AT&T is, by the way,
} a minor miracle away from becoming a demigod, where it will enjoy
} the luxury of drinking and dining with us deities, although at the
} smaller table at the end of the hall.  We denizens of the astral
} plane are quite excited, since we haven't had a corporation here
} since we kicked out IBM for using a hyped up CP/M deviant as the
} operating system for the PCs.  But I digress.)
}
} Anyway, the twenty cent pay phone is a typo that should read twenty
} PERcent pay phone.  This mistake was perpetuated by AT&T after the
} breakup of their monopoly.  They realized that healthy, capitalist
} competition would greatly gouge their propitious profits.  They set
} up these misaligned kiosks across the country, taking twenty percent
} from every user of the device.  (A move that quite impressed Zeus,
} Oden, and me.)
}
} The bottom line is, you don't get your quarter back because AT&T
} takes 20% at the twenty PERcent pay phone, leaving you with only
} two dimes.
}
} But the twenty percent kickback includes not only money, but whatever
} the patron of the phone booth used it for.  For example, you know that
} when you drive along the highway, you will often see one sock or one
} shoe.  These clothes used to belong to Superman.  They were taken by
} the 20% booth when he would change from his lame Clark Kent disguise
} to go fight evil doers.  (Superman also sits at the small table at
} the end of the hall.)  Sometimes the booth would take his underpants
} or a shirt, but usually just one sock and one shoe.  AT&T is kinky
} that way.
}
} As another example, many people will go to a phone booth just to look
} up someone's street address in the book.  Have you noticed that most
} booths are missing the phone book?  That's because every time someone
} uses the book to look up an address, the booth takes 20% of the pages.
} After a dozen such ventures, the book is worthless.
}
} Anyway, you don't get your quarter back because your not *supposed* to
} get your quarter back.  The booth takes 20% of something whenever it
} can.  Which leads me to this word of caution:  Whatever you do, don't
} have sex in a phone booth.  Lisa used to be a 65 DDDD and I used to
} have a penis nearly half a mile long until we spent the weekend in
} a phone booth on Fiji.  You know the AT&T commercial where the guy
} calls Phoenix and the guy in Fiji answers "Whakka-hanno-picha-si"?
} That's Melanesian for "The Oracle lost most of his penis in this
} phone booth."
}
} You owe the oracle 20% of your genitalia.


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