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Internet Oracularities #307

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Usenet Oracularities #307    (12 votes, 2.6 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 18 May 91 01:01:31 -0500

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307   12 votes 16140 16311 16320 07500 34401 32610 14610 06510 12720 02721
307   2.6 mean  2.7   2.6   2.5   2.4   2.3   2.4   2.6   2.6   2.8   3.2


307-01    (16140 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise oracle,
>
> I have just been stabbed through the heart by Sauron, wielding a 3'2"
> camel-hilted shortsword.  How long do I have to live?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 3'2"?  3'2"?  That doesn't sound right.  Hold on a minute and let me
} check this out...
}
}     rlogin barad-dur
}     Last login: Wed July 17 08:50:54 from oraclehost
}     Sun UNIX 1.2 Release 1.1 (SAURON01) #3: Sun Nov 20 12:57:39 PST
}     1981 You have mail.
}
}     %mailx
}        1 sysop@barad-dur   Thu Jul 18 12:10:33  12/435  System coming
}        dowm
}     >
}     The ssssystem will be coming down on Friday July 19th for
}     maintenanccccce and an upgrade to 300Kb of main memory.  Yes my
}     preciousss.  The ssssystem will be down from 8:00am to 5:00pm that
}     day, preciousss, and might be down longer if thingsssss go badly.
}
}     Pleasssssssse plan accordingly.
}
}     Golum -- aka: sssssssssysssssssop@barad-dur
}     >d
}     >q
}     %cd /etc
}     %grep sauron passwd
}     sauron:oiP7Whq12hQl:0:1:Sauron (Mr. Big Sword):/usr/sauron:/bin/csh
}     %exit
}
} Well, darn.  He's changed his gecos field.  It used to say just how
} long his short sword is.  Uh... let's see.  We could try looking in the
} Oracle's personal database of "Everything You Could Ever Want to
} Know"...
}
}     %oracledb
}     Welcome to the Oracle's personal data base!  Version 4.67.21.8.1.1
}     Enter '?' for help.
}     db> open personalities
}     The database "personalities" is now open.
}     db> query name=Sauron
}     Searching..........................................
}     1 match found... data follows:
}     Sauron.  Bad dude living in Barad-Dur.  Has a major problem with
}     his ego. Carries a big sword and likes to use it.  Has a thing for
}     rings. entry ends
}     db>quit
}     database "personalities" still open... really quit? (n) y
}     %
}
} Hmmmm..... this is really frustrating.  Well, we'll do it the
} old-fashioned way and look it up in the
} _833_Middle_Earth_Almanac_and_Book_of Facts_. Let's see... Sauron...
}
} <flip> <flip> <flip> Lusitania <flip> <flip> Mud Wrestling <*snicker*>
} <flip> <flip> Saliva <flip> <flip> <flip> <flip> Sauron!  Here we go.
} Let's see....
}
} "Sauron is the head of Mordor... blah blah blah... bad temper...
}  blah blah blah... Has a collection of beautiful swords."
}
} Ah-ha!
}
} "Sauron favors the longsword and bastard sword for most combat, however
}  he does own one special short sword that he keeps for use on
}  particularly nasty individuals."
}
} Well, you certainly seem to qualify.
}
} "This short sword is 2'3" long and has a camel engraved in the hilt."
}
} Well now, finally!  So you must have transposed the digits when you
} typed in your question.  Probably explained by the blood all over the
} keyboard which does make it hard to see what you're doing.
}
} Now with a 2'3" short sword with a camel-hilt and an extra-wide tang,
} that puts the blade thickness at the maximum point of penetration at
} almost a centimeter.  That means, of course, that the size of the hole
} in your heart would allow blood loss at a rate of three gallons per
} minute.  Now considering you've just been in mortal combat, your heart
} rate... oh dear, this doesn't look good.  If I'm right, and I am, then
} you're--
}
} Uh... Hello?  You still there?  Uh-oh.
}
} You'd better have put the Oracle in your will _before_ you died!


307-02    (16311 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Infinitely Wise and Groovy Oracle, Whose very parser routine I am
> unfit to read, even in the form of a hex dump, I must ask You this
> question.
>
> We all know what little girls are made of.  What are big girls made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are a number of answers to your question, Supplicant, and you
} can be sure I'll milk them as long as I can:
}
}       Big girls are made of resentment and bitterness and a deep-
} seated hatred for men, because their last boyfriend was real scum.
}       Or, they're made of carbon-based organic chemicals and water.
}       Or, they're made of a sexual union between a man and a woman
} that results in an XX chromosome pair.
}       Or, they're made of a lot of little girls, all mashed together.
}       Or, they're made of really bad Oracle answers.  I don't
} quite know how that works, but it sure explains why there are so
} many big girls...
}
} You owe the Oracle a big girl.


307-03    (16320 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and all-knowing oracle, what is the idea of a perfect
> evening for a male oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's look at a copy of my daily itinerary.  I remember that last
} Saturday was a good day.
}
} 9:00 a.m.: Alarm clock starts to ring.
} 9:05: Blast alarm clock with a 1 Terawatt lightning bolt.
} 10:00: Wake up.  Do the morning "motivational seminar" with Lisa.
} 11:30: Take a bath.
} (You would not believe the decor in my bathroom.  My bathtub could
} easily hold a medium size lake.)
} 12:00 p.m.: Eat brunch.  Belch.
} 1:00: Examine the list of today's questions.
} 1:30: Blast insolent questioners with lightning bolts.
} 2:00: Play nethack.
} 3:00: Answer the top ten questions.
} 4:00: Feed the remaining questions into autooracle (tm) - my automatic
} question answering program.
} 4:30: Take a nap after a long day at work.
} 5:30: Do the afternoon "motivational seminar" with Lisa.
} 7:00: Shower.
} 7:30: Eat dinner.  Belch.
} 8:30: Attend the Meeting of the Gods.
} (We discussed the decline in the number of licensed nymphs last
} Saturday.)
} 9:00: Continue playing the World Politics Game with Zeus.
} (We use real people in our games.  Anything less would be trivial.)
} 11:00: Critique the wines in Apollo's wine cellar.
} (Apollo has terrible taste in wine.  He always defers to my judgement.)
} 12:00 a.m.: Take an anti-hangover pill.
} 12:10: Do the midnight "motivational seminar" with Lisa.
} 2:00: Sleep.
}
} So you see, my life is usually not very exciting.  I work too hard too
} have any fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fully licensed nymph.


307-04    (07500 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oh Oracle,
>  wherefore art thou Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What light through yonder window breaks
} has revealed the answer to your question:
}
} Being omniscient as well as nearly omnipotent, the
} Oracle - through the miracles of modern technology -
} is also nearing a state of omnipresence.  This ever
} watchful state was originally scheduled to be completed
} in 1984, but George Steinbrenner and Lee Iaccocca got
} involved and, well, things got a little sidetracked.
} It's a good thing Orwell is dead, although he spent the
} entire year spinning in his grave since he got none of
} the royalties from the movie.  Anyway, now that the
} apparatus is nearly complete, Oracle-speak is soon to
} become the standard.  The arch-angel Trebek has already
} begun societal indoctrination, teaching the populace
} to instinctually speak in questions.  Soon society will
} be freed from the burdens of indecision and doubt.  The
} Oracle will be everywhere and all persons will simply
} shout their questions into the air for an immediate
} all-knowing reply of sage advice.  Gone will be that
} den of iniquity and corruption: Directory Assistance!
} Information Booths will be smashed with bulldozers!  The
} current government will be exiled for "disinformation
} crimes against the state"!  Textbooks will be burned!
} Libraries will be shut! "Information retrieval" will
} become passe!  Hail! Hail! Oracle-speak!
}
} And remember, it all began in Indiana.


307-05    (34401 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best, a PC compatible or a Macintosh ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A very good question. Let's find out shall we ? ...
}
} run SEXUAL_INTERFACES.PERSONAL_COMPUTERS
} seduce(PC_compatible)
}
} output = Resturant, wine, movie (Godfather III), taxi, dancing, taxi,
}          home. upstairs, coffee, more wine, Billy Joel on CD, couch,
}          kissing, frienzied kissing, slow groping, fast groping,
}          tearing off of clothes, waterbed <CENSORED>, cigerette, taxi.
}
} TOTAL COST = $211.45 TOTAL TIME = 4.6 hours.
}
} seduce(Macintosh)
}
} output = Alley, haggle, payment, motel, room, <CENSORED>, payment.
}
} TOTAL COST = $45 TOTAL TIME = 1.2 hours.
}
} There you go then. For your average man on the run, with a limited
} budget, the Macintosh is MUCH better.
}
} You owe the Oracle an intro to the hot little number that calculates
} the weather. Talk about Input Compatability !!


307-06    (32610 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With great finesse and style...things that you obviously seem to lack.
}
} You owe the Oracle......
} (If you can be obtuse, so can I. Nyah!)


307-07    (14610 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       I have a request of the Oracle,
>       Whose brains underneath his hair follicles,
>       Are renown for their zest,
>       Ne'er fail in the test,
>       And are priceless down to the last molecule.
>
>       I've been struck by the curse of a witch,
>       I'm compelled by incredible itch,
>       To say not a word,
>       But by limerick be heard,
>       To say all, this being quite a hitch.
>
>       I must search for the key to the spell,
>       Deal the wicked witch her death knell,
>       So please hear my plea,
>       And help set me free,
>       Or else, I must bade life farewell.
>
>       Oracle, dear to my heart,
>       With this knowledge I pray thee part,
>       Cure me from this ill,
>       Help me the witch kill,
>       And help those who from her spells smart.
>
>       And thus I must end this request,
>       Sent at my soul's own behest,
>       For truely I know,
>       How far you will go,
>       Not to fail when it comes to the test.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has heard your request,
} And does not like being put to the test,
} But with patience to guide,
} He will spare your hide,
} And give you the answer that's best.
}
} Now that witch has cursed you, that's true.
} That was quite an evil thing of her to do,
} It was mean and cruel,
} To treat you like the fool,
} And not altogether unfreindly, too.
}
} Now to fool that witches' evil plot,
} Will take some work, quite a lot.
} But if you hang tough,
} It won't seem quite so rough,
} And that witch will wither and rot.
}
} Now on with the heart of the plan,
} Make sure you some sulphur at hand.
} Wave your arms all about,
} With a scream and a shout,
} And blow the sulphur 'round with a fan.
}
} Now this is not the end, but don't worry,
} Although you've taken away the glory,
} Of some stupid witch,
} Who was a cold-hearted bitch,
} Because you owe the Oracle a story!


307-08    (06510 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, most exalted Oracle, even as your B.O. is the sweetest perfume, and
> those annoying little balls of lint in your belly-button are the
> softest of pillows,
>
> Why did they take a simple thing like a cabinet and call it a
> "cupboard", when it is neither mug nor timber? And why does a rug get
> referred to as "carpet", when it obviously isn't a domesticated animal
> or automobile?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Flattery will get you nowhere. Just ask the oracle your question
} and shut up. And no more asking the Oracle two questions at
} once, either. The Oracle is in a good mood today, and will answer
} both, but next time you ask two questions he may answer neither.
} Or worse, the Oracle may provide two answers, but not tell you
} which applies to which question.
}
} As any Rhode Island native will tell you, a "cabinet" is a drink
} made with ice cream, milk, and flavored syrup, called a "frappe"
} in the rest of New England and a "milkshake" outside the civilized
} world. No-one calls a cabinet a "cupboard" anywhere that the Oracle is
} familiar with, and the Oracle has travelled far and narrow. (The Oracle
} will travel far and wide when his travel budget allows, or he
} accumulates some more frequent flier miles).
}
} If you realize that the poor carpet on your floor is a devolved species
} from a genus that includes such proud members as the Arabian Flying
} Carpet (a sort of automobile) and the title character in the great
} movie The Creeping Terror (a sort of domesticated animal), then the
} word will make perfect sense.


307-09    (12720 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, who really is quite impressive:
>
> I've never pressed the F7 key.  Should I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish Mortals, you Never Learn.....don't you remember what happened
} when you pushed the *Others*?
}
} F1: Hulk Hogan wins WWF title
} F2: Dan Quayle gets Nomination for VP
} F3: Saddam's Airforce gets Botulism from Bad Camel Milk, can't fly in
}     war
} F4: ABC *almost* cancels Twin Peaks
} F5: George Bush get irregular heartbeat, pissing off everybody watching
}     Star Trek, TNG.
} F6: Sen. Kennedy's Ex-Wife's Sobriety Tester Tampered
}
} And *You* thought it was all a big coincidence. You *don't*
} want to find out what happens  when you press F7 key. Really.
}
} You owe the Oracle a keyboard with 12 function keys, so he can destroy
} the world.


307-10    (02721 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Salubrious Oracle, who's scintillating contributions to
> informational dissemination shall never wane, who's thesaurus always
> falls open to the correct page and who will almost certainly answer my
> feeble supplications with an Oraculatities winning entry..  Answer me
> this.
>
> Why does my cat have such a limited vocabulary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A man sits on a chair in a barren stark room.  A spot light focuses on
} him. His tie hangs loose around his neck, his collar unbuttoned.  His
} hair is disheveled and he is sweating profusely.  His expression is
} both harried and haunted, a cigarette dangling from his lips, numberous
} butts on the floor around him.  He takes a drag on the cigarette, then
} speaks, hoarsly, quickly and nervously.
}
} "Do you have any idea?  The pressure?"  another drag on the cigarette
} "The pressure to produce an Oracularities winning answer.  Do YOU??
} And with a question like yours?"
}
} The man gets up, and paces nervously, the spot light expanding and
} shifting to encompass him continually.  The spent cigarette falls from
} his lips.  He immediately lights another.
}
} The man sits again, his face seeming to draw closer.  "How could you do
} this to me??  How could you?  What did I ever do to you to deserve
} THIS?  I'm ruined!  Finished!  KAPUT!  Do you realize what will happen
} when word of this gets out?"
}
} He turns away and chain smokes several cigarettes in quick succession,
} then turns back around.  His expression is now frantic.  He speaks
} "Damn you!  I hate you for this!  I HATE you!  Well, here's your
} answer!  I DON'T KNOW! i don't know...  go ask the guru on the
} mountain.  he knows."  The man's voice trails off in a pathetic,
} dejected tone, and he turns away again, sobbing with his face burried
} in his hands.
}
} Shortly, a beautiful woman walks in, puts an arm around the man's
} shoulders, and attempts to comfort him.  "There, there, Orrie," she
} soothes.  "It'll all be ok soon."  She spares a moment to glance at
} you, herexpression conveying her feelings more accurately than her
} words ever could.  You slink away, ashamed.
}
} You owe the Oracle a two valium, a week in a club med of his choice,
} and a seminar on groveling for the uneducated supplicants.


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