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Internet Oracularities #308

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Usenet Oracularities #308    (18 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 20 May 91 16:51:50 -0500

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308   18 votes 13851 04680 26721 38511 24651 23931 12627 14661 14661 15813
308   3.0 mean  3.1   3.2   2.7   2.4   2.9   2.9   3.7   3.1   3.1   3.0


308-01    (13851 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a purchaser of fortune cookies...
> not only do they taste good, but I've heard from a reliable
> source that the printing machine that dumps out all the fortunes
> has recently aquired AI status and now actually looks ahead
> to really read fortunes- in this manner, she (the AI) gives the
> right fortunes to the right people.  My last two fortunes were:
> To gain love, love and be loveable.
>    and
> You will be successful with love.
> Now, I'm asking you under what conditions will these prophesies
> come true...
> thank you, oh mighy oracle- may your name be laid down upon the
> scroll work of emperors- may your face be printed on the currency
> of America...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's face already appears on American currency, Unobservant
} One. Check out the back side of a one-dollar bill.  Look at the
} left-hand medallion.  See the floating eye over the pyramid?  That's
} the one.  Rather flattering likeness, don't you think?
}
} Fortune cookies are outside the Oracle's regular field of expertise -
} not that the Oracle doesn't KNOW how and when and whether the fortunes
} will come true, it's just that fortune cookies are handled by a
} different deity. Better not to wander into another god's territory if
} it ain't necessary, you know?  So, let's just go straight to the
} source: A nice, fresh bag of fortune cookies.  <Rip, Crackle, Spill>
} Normally, fortunes are focused only on the cookie-breaker, but as a
} deity, the Oracle can re-orient them on your problems, and act as
} intermediary for you.  OK, here goes... CRUNCH!
}
}                      Love will soon come your way.
}
} Well, that's a promising start, isn't it?  Maybe we can get a better
} fix on it... taptapTAP CRACK!  Hm, a tough one!
}
}              Be patient and you will have all your wishes.
}
} Not very useful.  Maybe one more... TCHUK!
}
}            Ask too many questions; receive too many answers!
}
} Hmmm, someone seems to be getting a mite tetchy.  Well, this is in a
} good cause, right?  So... BREAK!
}
}         Don't take a hint, do you?  You will live in miserable,
}        diseased loneliness and get your kicks from soiled underwear.
}
} Oops.  Talk about a short temper!
}
} You owe the Oracle a quart of hot and sour soup, steamed dumplings,
} noodles in sesame sauce, and Hunan garlic beef, to go.


308-02    (04680 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O cryptic and confusing oracle,
> Is there anything that you don't know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What kind of supplication is that?  Cryptic, confusing!  We are the
} almighty Oracle source of truth and beauty!  Not only are you
} disrespectful in your supplication, you ask one of the most impertinant
} questions that we are plagued with.  We are tired of being asked is
} there anything we don't know!  Ask yourself, have any of your questions
} gone unanswered?  Ask yourself, who would be foolhardy enough to go
} into the oracle business if there was something unknown to them?  There
} have been a few, but the Oracle is not among them.  We will tell you of
} one such case however, Apollo's Delphic Oracle.
}
} The responsibility for the mishap was entirely Apollo's, since he was
} the authority that the Delphic Oracle's reputation was based.  Apollo's
} greatest fault was that he was't hip to the concept of change.  He and
} his pals up on Olympus fully expected to rule the roost over the
} Mediterranean forever, and gave no thought to cultural changes that
} would occur.  So, when a far thinking individual from Britain made the
} onorous journy to Delphi to ask, "Will Elvis Presley or Buddy Holly be
} King in the land across the water?"  Apollo was stumped.  The deity of
} CULTURE and MUSIC had no concept of Rock and Roll, which was in his
} sphrere of influence and had had the groundwork laid for it by the
} Egyptians and Babylonians 500 years before.  He should have known Elvis
} would be King, but he didn't even understand the basis of the question.
}  Feeling quite flustered, Apollo hedged and came to the traveler later
} disguised as Anubis and killed him in a copse of standing stones,
} unwittingly setting the precedent that would become Heavy Metal rock
} and roll.  His disguise didn't work well and soon the entire Hellenic
} world knew that Apollo had blown a question for the Delphic Oracle and
} had killed the enquirant.  People stopped coming to the Oracle, and she
} starved to death, and much later Rome conquered Greece. With this
} precedent in mind, you can be damn sure that we, the Usenet Oracle made
} damned sure that there was nothing that we didn't know before going
} into the oracle business.
}
} You owe the oracle a velvet potrait of the King.


308-03    (26721 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh preantepenultimate Oracle:
>
> What are the top 10 "top 10" questions lists?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP TEN WAYS FOR THE ORACLE TO DEAL WITH FOOLS WHO ASK QUESTIONS LIKE
} THIS: ==================================================================
} 10) Use his phone for obscene calls to the IRS Caller-ID line.
}  9) Tear out his tongue with rusty pliers, and make sandwiches.
}  8) Sell him into slavery at a filthy 17th century brothel in Syria.
}  7) rm -r ~$SUPPLICANT
}  6) 17 varieties of insect parasites.
}  5) Long, explicit postings in his name on alt.sex.*
}  4) Fry his ass with 10,000 volts through the keyboard.
}  3) How'd you like to spend the next five years as a gecko?
}  2) Brightly-colored fungus infections.
}
} And the number one way for the Oracle to deal with fools who ask
} questions like this:
}
}  1) "Dear Cthulu, About that favor you owed me...?"
}
} You owe the Oracle


308-04    (38511 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greater than mediocre Oracle, whose feet I am worthy to lick, whose
> shoes I may gratuitively shine...
>
> Hi dad, did you know you had a son?
> Did you intentionally leave Mom while she was pregnant with me?
> Why did you do it Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HA!!!!  Thou sexist of all sexist swines!  By what feeble intelligence
} dost thou suppose that the Great and Wonderful Oracle is of the MALE
} gender????  She is far too wise to wear boxer shorts!!!
} Next time you address the great and wonderous ORACLE, you will begin:
} Her Royal Highness Queen Oracle!
} (your MAMA!)


308-05    (24651 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wiser than Margaret Thatcher oracle, tell me why communism cannot
> work as a democracy?  Or, why capitalism, when totalitarian, is better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you don't understand the fundamental nature of these systems.  The
} Oracle will explain.
}
}   Communism is an economic and  social system in which  the  means  of
}   production are controlled by the workers, and each man receives from
}   the collective what he needs to maintain a  standard of living equal
}   to   all  others.   The  state relinquishes   all     control to the
}   collective, which organizes at all levels for the good of society as
}   a whole.  All class distinctions are extinguished, and the motive of
}   personal  gain  is   replaced by   collective good.  Of  course,  in
}   practice, the state must oversee the transition from the privatized,
}   class-ridden hierarchical  economy to  the final collective society,
}   and thus cannot  allow  individual initiative to conflict  with  the
}   central policy, which ensures the  greatest good for the whole while
}   eliminating the blood-sucking overclass, which is itself.
}
} Um.  Let's try that from the other direction.
}
}   Capitalism,  of course, is an economic system  in which each man and
}   the occasional woman can achieve his (or her) goals through his (oh,
}   forget it) efforts, thus rewarding  those who contribute most to the
}   society by maximizing their own profits at the expense  of those who
}   have less drive and initiative and  different colored skin and funny
}   accents,  and eventually succeeds to the  point that he can buy  his
}   way into the ruling class,  which  compassionately provides for  the
}   less fortunate by lowering capital gains taxes so that the increased
}   profits will   trickle  down into the safety  net.   Of   course, in
}   practice, the state must oversee the organization of  all efforts to
}   improve the state of  society   as a  whole,  and thus cannot  allow
}   individual initiative  to  conflict with the  central  policy, which
}   ensures the greatest good for the whole while balancing the needs of
}   the underclass against the comfort of the bllodsucking upper  class,
}   which is itself...
}
} Hmm, here we are again.  One more try.
}
}   Rich or poor, it's better to be rich.
}
} YES!  That's the idea!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Voodoo Economist doll.


308-06    (23931 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and even wiser Oracle,
> Some say the world will end in fire, others say in ice.
> What do you say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm. The end of the world, let me see.
}
} 99.758.4638 Omni Unix (lard.ofu.limbo.dantenet) (tty09)
} login: oracle
} Password:
} Last login 2 Feb 1379 on tty09
} =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
}                L A R D                V A X
}         serving limbo with mediocrity since time began
} =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
} You have new mail.
} No new messages.
}
} % worldsim
} +-------------------------------------------------------------+
} |                        World Simulator                      |
} |                                                             |
} |        version 2.1                                          |
} +-------------------------------------------------------------+
} type 'connect [simulation name] [password]' to access a simulation
} type 'help' for a list of commands
} type 'sysop' to get the attention of a system operator
} System operators currently logged on are: Peter John
} connect Earth nixon
}
} Accessing data base..........
}
} Earth> help prediction
}
} prediction [-abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQZ] event
}     [bdycnd[, bdycnd [, bdycnd [ ... ] ] ] ]
} Runs simulation until 'event' occurs. Optional boundry conditions
} specified by 'bdycnd's. If no boundry conditions are given, the default
} starting point is current point in timeframe. See the World Simulator
} Programmer's Handbook Vol MMMDCCXCVIII for a complete list of options.
}
} Earth> prediction terminus
}
} working...........
} ^Z
} Stopped
} % bg 1
} % rogue
} [ transcript deleted due to security reasons ]
} % fg 1
} ...........
} Calculations complete.
} Events leading up to event: terminus
}      -Operation Desert Shield
}      -Operation Desert Storm
}      -Death of President Bush in bizzare gardening accident
}      -Impeachment of President Quayle
}      -Chernobyl II meltdown
}      -Freak Malt-o-Meal Comet collides with planet drowning all
}       inhabitants
} Earth>quit
} Updating data base: Earth.
}
} %logout
}
} Well there you have it, neither fire nor ice. The world will end in
} Malt-o-Meal.  You owe the Oracle six trillion gallons of molasses, and
} a large spoon.


308-07    (12627 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> man oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                                   oracle
}                                                                   (17)
}
}     Name
}          oracle - answers questions, mostly about sex
}
}     Command Syntax
}          none.  You _don't_ command the Oracle to do anything.  You
}          grovel.
}
}     Grovel Syntax
}          mail oracle [@address]
}          Subject:  [sub1] tell me [sub2]
}          Body:  [flatter-oracle] [grovel-oracle] question-body
}
}     Description
}          The Oracle answers any question posed to it.  Most of these
}          questions are sexual in nature (see lisa(17), teddy_bear(8),
}          and pretty much all of chapter 69).
}
}          The flatter-oracle and grovel-oracle are not strictly
}          necessary to receive an answer, but a small bug in the Oracle
}          programs results in lightning bolts in such cases, and so they
}          are strongly recommended.
}
}          The question-body should consist of a single question,
}          grammatically well phrased, containing no typos or spelling
}          mistakes, and most importantly, not SHOUTED.
}
}          The Oracle will return an answer to the question whenever it
}          feels like.  (No, you can't hurry the Oracle).
}
}      Options
}
}           -w  Identifies questioner as a 'weenie'.  Such a questioner
}               may ask stupid questions, and not use the flatter-oracle
}               and grovel-oracle sections.  Weenies are usually not long
}               for this world.
}
}           -l  Marks a question specifically about Lisa, the Oracle's
}               nymph and snugglebunny.  A question -l on the FAQ of Lisa
}               questions will be handled by the Oracular parser, others
}               will be answered directly by the Oracle, and passed to
}               the top of the question stack.
}
}           -u  Requests a UNIX-based answer.  This usually takes the
}               form of a shell script or an interactive Oracle session,
}               and often comes complete with message from
}               god@heaven.heaven.com.
}
}           -b  A questioner using the -b option is blasted, verbally,
}               emotionally, and possibly with lightning by the Oracle,
}               for the amusement of the Priesthood.  Make sure your mail
}               handler does not randomly insert '-b' in the To: field.
}
}      See Also
}           lisa(17), query(1), grovel(3)


308-08    (14661 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh awesome Oracle, whose mighty wisdom has proved to be statistically
> deviant on 17 Federally registered intelligence surveys, and whose
> voluptuous female companion (Hi, Lisa!) figures promenantly in the
> late-night musings of computer nerds around the world, please enlighten
> me:
>
> Who was the first person to eat Limburger Cheese, and what were they
> thinking about at the time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the spelling's a little off ("prominently" and "cheese"),
} but if Lisa will forgive you, We will.
}
} [Hushed whispering offline]
}
} Yes, she definitely will, provided you...um...
} We're sorry; this is a PG-rated incarnation...
} but you have definitely earned an answer worthy of the gods.
}
} The first person to eat Limburger cheese...
}
} was Art Limburger of Beverly Hills, CA.
}
} [
}  Screen de-rezzes, then resolves to show an elderly man in his
}  brown-and-gold Contour chair with the special massage and
}  warmth attachments.  The chair is pointed at the 25-inch
}  color television; the television is playing a rerun of
}  _Charlie's_Angels_ with the volume just a little too loud.
}  The elderly man (ART) turns in the chair to face the open
}  door behind the chair.
} ]
}
} ART (not unkindly):  Mari-i-i-i-i-i-ia!
}
} [
}  MARIA, dressed in a nondescript maid's costume, obviously
}  harried by all her chores as well as unsettled by her
}  two-day-old cold, pokes her head into the doorway.
} ]
}
} MARIA (a touch exasperated):  Yes, Mr. Limburger?
}
} ART: Could I have something to snack on?  Maybe something
}       on a bagel?  [Turns back to face television.]
}
} MARIA (resigned): Yes, Mr. Limburger.
}
} [
}  MARIA goes into kitchen, gets plate, knife, and bagel,
}  slices bagel with knife and puts both on plate...
}  now searches in refrigerator...doesn't find anything.
}  Finally sees tub of cheese on countertop, puts on plate,
}  and carries plate into TV room.
}  What MARIA doesn't know is that the "cheese" is actually
}  car wax left there by Miguel the chauffeur.  There's no
}  marking on the tub, and she can't smell it because of
}  her cold.
}  In the TV room, ART is losing interest in the show.
} ]
}
} ART (thinking aloud):  What would I like on that bagel?
}       Some salmon would be nice...
}
} [
}  Just then, MARIA puts the plate on ART's lap.
} ]
}
} MARIA (briskly):  Here you are. Mr. Limburger. [She pivots
}       and exits back through the door.]
}
} ART (looking at tub):  What is this, Maria?  [Looks behind him;
}       sees that she's already gone; looks down again.]
}       I have no idea what this is...I won't eat it.
}       I wish she had gotten me some salmon.
}
} [
}  ART looks back up at the television, forgetting the plate
}  temporarily, and is transfixed by Farrah Fawcett-Majors'
}  (that's just plain "Farrah Fawcett" now, isn't it...) lovely,
}  flowing, blond hair.  ART absentmindedly spreads some of the
}  "cheese" on the bagel, thinks one more time about the salmon,
}  sees the hair again, and then eats the bagel.
}
}  After the show goes to a commercial, ART realizes that he's
}  never tasted anything like this "cheese" before.
} ]
}
} ART (excited):   Maria!  Mari-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ia!
}
} MARIA (poking head into doorway, more than a touch exasperated):
}       Yes, Mr. Limburger?
}
} ART: This is wonderful stuff, Maria!  What is it?
}
} MARIA (with a little hesitation): I think it's a kind of cheese,
}       Mr. Limburger.
}
} ART: I've never had anything like this, Maria!  It's really good.
}       I could go into business selling this...I could...
}       [MARIA goes back into kitchen; ART doesn't notice.]
}       I could do my own TV commercials...and call it...
}       Limburger cheese!  I'll do it.
} [
}  Unfortunately, ART's wide television exposure to the senior
}  demographic group -- none of whom who can smell or taste
}  any better than ART can --- guarantees millions in sales...
}  and the rest is history.
}
}  Screen de-rezzes, then returns to normal operating mode.
} ]
}
} So you see, Art was thinking about...golden lox.
}
} The moral of the story...uh...there isn't one,
} except maybe "Don't watch _Charlie's_Angels_."
}
} You owe the Oracle a king-size Craftmatic bed with the
} certificate for a free microwave oven...


308-09    (14661 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wiser than a spotted owl oracle, tell me what came before the big
> bang, regards the theory of the origins o' UNIVERSE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Curious, O semi-groveling petitioner, does the Oracle find the wording
} of your petition.  Confused and ambiguous.  You may have noticed that
} the "Big Bang Theory" says squat about what happened prior to the big
} event.  Well, being an immortal and eternal being, I was there to see
} the Big Guy's handywork.  In fact, He approached me beforehand, to take
} part in the finished product.  "ORACLE", (He always talks in capital
} letters, but you get used to it), "I PLAN ON CREATING A NEW UNIVERSE.
} STARS, PLANETS, GALAXIES.  IT WILL BE GOOD".  This was sounding good to
} me too.  The ideal vacation spot.  Lots of nice scenery.  "I AM MAKING
} IT FOR MY NEWEST CREATION, MAN".  Uh-oh.  Trouble in paradise -- it'll
} be occupied.  Oh, well... "I WISH YOUR HELP.  MAN WILL BE IN NEED OF
} WISDOM, AND I WANT YOU TO ACT AS AN ACCESS POINT OF WISDOM.  YOUR VERY
} NAME WILL BE SYNONYMOUS WITH WISDOM AND TRUTH.  This could work out
} well.  An easy job, a good location.  If this new "man" screwed up, I
} could be in real trouble, but who could screw up the sweetest deal this
} side of eternity?
}
} I should have thought more about that question than I did.  But my mind
} was on the fireworks.  Man, you should have seen it!  "LET THERE BE
} LIGHT!" And following was such an awesome display of energy released,
} that your puny language fails to describe it.  "Big bang" indeed.
}
} Anyway, there was this free will thing, and the snake and the apple --
} all they had to do was stay away from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and
} Evil... But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... And I did agree to that contract.  I
} really should have thought more about that question than I did.
}
} You owe the Oracle a successor, so He can get out of this lousy racket.
}  In fact... <snicker>... YOU'RE IT!
}
} The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to a never-ending stream of
} questions!
}
} Have a nice eternity.  I'm outta here.


308-10    (15813 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why it takes you A WEEK to answer a simple question ??? aren't you the
> fastest, beside you'r smartest and know-all ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question has been translated into modern English, researched and
} cross-referenced to provide the most complete background information,
} and a deeply insightful and profoundly revealing answer has been
} composed instantaneously by the miraculous power of the Oracle's
} trans-dimensional network of co-processors, harness for your sole
} benefit, a process that would normally require hundreds of man-hours of
} arduous work by highly trained, unionized technicians.
}
} The resulting explanatory paragraphs, which, in addition to
} exhaustively enumerating and minutely analyzing all possible
} philosophical and teleological aspects of your MOST INTERESTING
} question, provide a lengthy and scholarly description of the
} psychological maladjustments of all your previous incarnations, have
} been inscribed upon several sheets of yellowed notebook paper with a
} red Magic Marker.  This magnum opus has been wrapped around a three-day
} old salmon, packed in bubble-plastic in a large, sturdy trunk, and
} shipped by surface mail to a poste-restante address in Hong Kong, where
} you may claim it between 1:30 and 4:30 Tuesdays, Thursdays, and
} Fridays, by presenting this claim check:
}                        _______________
}                        |             |
}                         ) ADMIT ONE (
}                        |_____________|
}
} You owe the Oracle a thank you card from sunny Hong Kong.


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