[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 15:56:28 GMT

Internet Oracularities #31

Goto:
31, 31-01, 31-02, 31-03, 31-04, 31-05, 31-06, 31-07, 31-08, 31-09, 31-10


Usenet Oracularities #31
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 26 Oct 89 01:43:25 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to:
       oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu


31-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best use for the following:
>
> 1) A pound of strawberry jam
> 2) Zsa-Zsa Gabor
> 3) Jim Baker
> 4) a dozen satanists
> 5) 5 bricks
> 6) a stapler
> 7) a physics textbook
> 8) a computer (386)
> 9) 50 feet of 1000 pound test nylon line
> 10) the Vikings football team

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Staple the cmputer to the satanists.  Put the bricks on the criminals.
} Tie the football team to the textbooks.  Put the strawberry jam in the
} middle of the field.  Throw a grenade at all of them, and make the world
} a better place.


31-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 4096 years ago, a small boy looked up at his father, pondering his very
} existance, and asked such a question.  His father, being a wise and
} noble man, told the following story:
}
} Son, one day, your children, and your children's children, and their
} offspring, will design many living structures from the very soil we
} stand on.  They will create ways to float on the water at high speed,
} and fly through the air as the birds do.  They will spread out far
} across the land, and even cross the great oceans, building many villages
} and even great cities.  They will conquer the very gap of space and
} time, by sending messages directly through high-speed T1 phonelines and
} digital fiber-optic cables, connecting thousands of places of learning
} and commerce.  And someone will enable all the Internet to have access
} to The Oracle, by simply mailing a question using the standard email
} interfaces.  And some bozo, wanting to try it out, will send in the
} question that you, my son, have asked me.
}
} "Why?"
}
} You owe The Oracle the rights to all of your smart offspring.


31-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is watching slasher movies better than sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course!  Have you forgotten elementary logic?
}
}       AXIOM 1:  Nothing is better than sex.
}       AXIOM 2:  Watching slasher movies is better than nothing.
}
}       Therefore, by the principle of transitivity, we reach the
}
}       CONCLUSION:  Watching slasher movies is better than sex.


31-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do all these flies in my apartment come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Isn't it obvious?  You are a full-fledged hardened ADDICT by now!  Of
} course you still believe that "I can stop whenever I want to," but you
} will NEVER be able to "want to" without prompt help!  Look up
} Fileaholics Anonymous in the telephone directory.  NOW!
}
} It began innocently enough, about four years ago, when you started
} keeping an extra nail file or two in the bathroom to keep your nails
} always looking neat and well-groomed.  Then you started carrying one
} with you everywhere, just to make sure you'd never be caught with
} unfiled nails.  Then you started keeping larger files, initially to fix
} sticky doors, later to trim windowsills just a little bit so the desk
} you wanted to put in the corner would fit...  eventually you accumulated
} a monstrous collection of flat and curved files, keyhole and triangular
} files, rasps, Surform tools, even Dremel Moto-Tools and routers and
} power sanders, a collection that would be the envy of most professional
} machine shops...so many that you need THIRTY FILE CABINETS to hold them
} all, in addition to the ones scattered in various closets and corners.
} Your woodworking hobby quickly became a vehicle for your compulsive
} addic--
}
} Oh!  You mean FLIES?  Never mind....


31-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A rose in full bloom
} Sunrise from a mountain top
} The unending blue of a plains state horizion
} The New England foliage in fall
} The emerald green of the mid-atlantic
}
} But, I digress, to answer your question: TAXES


31-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       How much mail does the Oracle get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Imagine enough dollar bills that placed end to end would reach to the
} moon and back.  Now take that number and apply it to the following
} formula :
}                log(weight of one female gorilla)^(number of bills)
}                ---------------------------------------------------
}        x :=       sin((Mass of George Bush)^(IQ of Dan Quayle))
}             ----------------------------------------------------------
}                Length of Zsa-Zsa Jail sentence / Lenght of Jim Bakers
}
} You owe the Oracle a Calculus book.


31-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a "physharmonica"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a state the body can reach after years of training and
} meditation.  Your body is transformed into a living harmonica and you
} can play songs with you body alone.  If you continue your training you
} can become a physharmonica guru, where you specialize in one particular
} part of the body (armpit, hands, head, etc).  If you continue for 50
} years you become a physharmonica master and can play any bob dylan song
} by passing gas alone (lets face it, you won't be having company)
}
} you owe the oracle the complete bob dylan collection


31-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a "sesquialtera"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's easy, but lets break it down.
} sesqui - one and a half
} alter - to change
} a - a vowel
} This is a formal description of the inflection used by the
} Fonz when he's happy, AAAYYYEEE
}
} you owe the oracle 15 saftey pins


31-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What will be on my physics test Friday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On your physics test, there will be a thin film of dust, a few
} fingerprints of your fellow students, several insect larvae, and an
} irregular coating of ink.
}
} You owe the oracle an answer key.


31-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't Democrats win the presidency?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A quick look at past Democratic candidates should answer that question.
}
} 1988 - Dukakis - one eyebrow, shifty-eyed, short. Also lied about being
}                 a liberal.
} 1984 - Mondale - caved in to every special-interest group known to man
}        Ferraro - a "bitch" in so many senses of the word
} 1980 - Carter - pathetic state of the country, caused by him (see 1976)
}        Mondale - well, look what happened to him in '84
} 1976 - Carter - peanut farmer, just look at his brother Billy,
}                 He only won because of the scandals in the Republican
}                 administration
} 1972 - McGovern - beyond liberal; besides, Nixon was too popular
} 1968 - Johnson - Vietnam, government spending. Also look at Lady Bird.
}
} That's as far back as I go, should prove the point.
}
} While republicans are more likely to get involved in money scandals,
} democrats are more likely to get involved in sex scandals.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org