} Ah! Hot elven babes! I personally once had a thing for hot elven
} babes, but that was before I met Lisa. However, since I am the
} Oracle, an infinitely cool and spectacularly sexy deity, I usually had
} no problem getting harem upon harem of hot elven babes. You, however,
} are obviously not as sexually attractive as I am...after all, you were
} playing a Dragonlance(tm) Adventure, instead of a superior game of the
} gods, like, say, Call of Cthulhu--named after my good buddy Bob
} Cthulhu. Now Bob and I have been seducing, dating, and doing the
} Olympic thing with hot elven babes ever since Hera started keeping
} Zeus away from them (sorry Z-man). Of course, I have unlimited
} knowledge, and Bob has, well, huge tracts of tentacles. You, poor
} mortal, lack both. Worse still, hot elven babes live for centuries,
} while you can only keep it up for a couple of hours at best...
} But still, there is hope! Simply use my superior ORACLE (Orgasmically
} Righteous Attempts to Cuddle Lady Elves)(tm) technique:
} You, yes you, are now the owner of the Orgasmically Righteous Attempts
} to Cuddle Lady Elves handbook of the gods. Now, in the past, you
} might have been subjected to total rejection. In fact, those luscious
} elven babes may have turned down your puny little mortal pick-up lines
} and struck you with lightning at the same time. This is bad. But
} now, you are the proud owner of ORACLE(tm), a handbook of lust and
} bravado which will NEVER FAIL to pick up LUSTY ELVEN BABES!
} How to use ORACLE (tm):
} Part I: Identify ELVEN BABE.
} Now, your average mortal thinks he has never seen an ELVEN BABE. This
} is because your average mortal--hell, *every* mortal--lacks the
} superior and supreme knowledge available only to the Oracle (and Bob).
} "What is this superior knowledge?" you ask, begging in your suppliant
} little mortal way. Well, the superior knowledge which *you now own*
} is what ELVEN BABE really means, that's right:
} Easy-Looking...*Very* Easy...Nice Bouncy And Boyfriendless Elf
} Part II: Identify gender of ELVEN BABE.
} Being a mere mortal, you might not have realized that many Male Elves,
} as well as Female ones, can turn out to be Easy-Looking...*Very*
} Easy...Nice Bouncy And Boyfriendless Elves. Since you have not
} specified your own gender in your supplication, I shall assume you are
} neuter. I am sorry, but there are NO neuter Elves. Hera had been
} experimenting with the idea for a few years, but Zeus threatened to zap
} all those golden apples of hers with lightning, so she decided maybe
} not. Anyway, if, despite your lack of gender, you have a preference for
} a particular Elf Gender, here is how I, the omniscient, omnipotent,
} omnifornicant Oracle determine it:
} I know it! I know everything! Ha Ha!!!!
} This, however, will not work for you. If it did, you wouldn't need
} ORACLE (tm). Here is the ORACLE(tm) method for mortals:
} SQUEEZE. Slowly, Quietly, Undo Each Elven Zipper Erotically. Do this
} *very* carefully. I cannot stress enough how carefully you must
} perform the SQUEEZE. Improper and/or inept performances of the
} SQUEEZE have led to severe injury and/or death. Ever hear of Sadi the
} Eunuch? Actually, he's a neuter, just like you. What an improperly
} done SQUEEZE might lead to in a neuter case is imaginable only by me,
} the Oracle (and Bob, since he administers the punishment), and believe
} me--you want to make *sure* that the SQUEEZE is properly performed.
} Part III:
} Seduce ELVEN BABE. This is very difficult....Remember, Elves, with
} their infravision, can tell who's hot and who isn't. In the event
} that you are mortal, which you are, you are usually not hot...In fact,
} you are *definitely* not hot. However, ORACLE(tm) provides a
} fail-safe method to make ELVEN BABEs *think* you are hot:
} TORCH. Take Out Ribbed Condom, Human. Most gods, who are,
} by definition, hot, handle ELVEN BABEs only with the best sexual
} devices around...It is an utter *myth* that Vulcan only got Aphrodite
} by Zeus's command. Vulcan is the guy who made the vibrator Riff-Raff
} uses on Frank in Rocky Horror. ELVEN BABEs go *nuts* over Vulcan.
} He's a *wild* man with lots of neat devices. Besides, he's got pointy
} ears, and he's Ooooh so logical. You too can cash in on the wisdom of
} the mighty gods. By taking out a ribbed condom--lubricated to prevent
} friction burn--you will trick ELVEN BABEs into thinking that you are
} actually hot. This is a good thing.
} Part IV: Survive sex with ELVEN BABE.
} Even for the gods, surviving sex with ELVEN BABEs can be difficult.
} This is because their wives always find out. How do you think Bob got
} all those tentacles? You, however, have been sucked into another
} dimension, so your wife/husband/neuter s.o. is completely unimportant,
} unless he/she/it is with you at the moment. If this is the case, you
} may want to purchase MENAGE (Many Elves Naked And Groping
} Everybody)(tm). This, however, is Bob's idea, and to tangle in
} another god's territory is usually not a good idea.
} But let's say your significant other is either non-existent or left
} behind in another dimension...or a vegetable, like the last guy who
} tried to pick up Lisa. Now, if this is the case, you're in business.
} Just use *lots* of lubrication. Lack of lubrication will result in
} friction burns that'll make Sodom and Gemora look like snow cones.
} Actually, Sodom and Gemora are the way they are today because there
} were a couple of God's favorite nymphs hanging out in one of the
} public baths with Pubius Al'Ofar, the President of the United
} Sodomites League, and, well, he didn't properly administer the SQUEEZE
} and...the rest is history.
} Part V: Pay the Oracle.
} You owe the Oracle the hot elven babe's phone number, a pack of ribbed
} Trojans (unused), and a bucket of KY.