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Internet Oracularities #311

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Usenet Oracularities #311    (16 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 29 May 91 09:15:46 -0500

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311   16 votes 24910 01951 12661 13840 18520 22426 12841 26440 12571 14722
311   3.0 mean  2.6   3.4   3.2   2.9   2.5   3.5   3.1   2.6   3.3   3.0


311-01    (24910 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O pernicious Oracle, who has the power to pick up the earth and dribble
> it like a basketball,
> Why does Lisa keep calling me up and asking me out??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} F/X: R&B music fading out.
}
} Speaker: This is KGBO radio with NIGHTTALK. Got anything to say?
}          Just dial 555-TALK. And here is Barry Champlain . . .
}
} Barry C.: Hello everyone . . .aaahhh, our first caller is Fred ...
}           Hallo Fred ?
}
} Fred: Hi Barry.
}
} BC: Hi Fred, why are you calling?
}
} Fred: I just wanna say that I think your show is totally cool, maaan.
}
} BC: Is it, well is that all you got to say?
}
} Fred: No, no, I also wanna say hello to Joe and my ma and daddy
}       and grand ...
}
} BC: Thank you Fred. Our next caller is . . . uh, that's a peculiar
}     name, he calls himself ORACLE.
}     Hi Oracle!
}
} (The oracles voice sound VERY worried through the phone)
}
} Oracle: Hi Barry. . . look I'm calling because so many people are
}         asking me silly questions and ...
}
} BC: You also got a radio show?
}
} O:                                    ... I'm worried about it.
}    Err... no, I don't have a radio show, it's just that I am the
}    oracle. I sometimes get these questions from people who are into my
}    girfriend. I just got one from a guy who claims to get calls from
}    her. Do you think it's true?
}
} (silence)
}
} BC: Have you talked to her about that?
}
} O: No, I'think I'm afraid it's true.
}
} BC: As an oracle you should know it.
}
} O: Yes, yes, I know it's not true. It's just this sort of happy feeling
}    one gets when he can talk to another guy about it.
}
} BC: Of course, thank you for calling.
}     OK, NOW FOR SOME MORE MUSIC . . .
}     this is Barry Champlain and you're listening to nighttalk.
}
} (music fading in).


311-02    (01951 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>   Since I haven't got any answers from you lately, I have
> reached several conclusions:
>  1) My questions have been too difficult for you to answer.
>  2) Because many people get answers from you, they must have
>     submitted simple questions which gives some idea of their
>     close relationship to monkeys.
>  3) Monkeys live in a zoo.
>  4) If monkeys have sent questions to Your Holiness, they
>     must have a way of communicating to you.
>  5) I haven't seen any network connections in zoos so far.
>  6) This communication media must be secret telepathy.
>
> Now, to my question:
>  When I hear high-pitched shrieks in my head every evening
>  before I go to sleep in my tree, are those from zoo monkeys
>  sending telepathic messages to me from Oracle ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... squealing noises in your head?  Sounds like microwave
} interference.  I'll check my shortwave and see if there are any
} microwave transmitters are in your area...
}
} Bzzzz... "News, Weather..." zzzz... "243 132 143 122..."
} clickclickclick... "Access notification..." bazzzz...
}
} "Monkey One to Monkey Two, do you copy?  Over."
} "Monkey Two here.  About to start relay check.  Over."
} "Monkey One acknowledge.  Monkey One to Monkey Base, do you copy?
} Over." "Monkey Base here.  Prepare to receive Orders.  Over."
} "Monkey One.  Ready to receive orders."
} "Monkey Base ready to transmit orders.  Uplink begins... NOW!"
}
}                       OPERATION MONKEY SHINE
}                    General orders and overview
}                             TEST Phase
}
} Fundamental goal:  To convince the humans of the world that Cheez
}     Doodles(tm) are necessary for their continued health.  This will
}     be accomplished with BRAINWASHING via MICROWAVE transmissions.
}     Once the humans are addicted, we will cut off their supply and
}     watch their so-called "civilization" crumble!
}
} Immediate goal:  To see the varying effects of microwave frequencies
}     and intensities on the human brain.
}
} Equipment setup:  This will be a two-phase operation:
}
}                                       0 /
}       (4)                              X  (2)
}        _                              / 0
}       /-\
}
} (5)                     (3)                   (1)
}  0                     RELAY                  MAIN
} /|\ <= Dumb human     STATION                 BASE
} / \
}
} 1)  Signals will be broadcast from MAIN BASE in <CLASSIFIED> to
}     orbiting RELAY SATELLITE.
} 2)  RELAY SATELLITE will bounce signal to AMPLIFYING/FILTERING
}     RELAY STATION.
} 3)  RELAY STATING will transmit to LOW-ALTITUDE HELICOPTER-MOUNTED
}     REFLECTOR DISH.
} 4)  LOW-ALTITUDE REFLECTOR will bounce signals to DUMB HUMAN.
} 5)  DUMB HUMAN will crave Cheez Doodles(tm)!
}
} Well, there you have it:  it's a monkey plot to enslave humanity.  I
} think you should notify the government.  One missile should take out
} that satellite.  I just hope the victims of their cruel test can
} recover...
}
} You owe the Oracle 4.3 metric tonnes of Cheez Doodles (I just can't
} get enough!).


311-03    (12661 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does it take you so darn long to answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Could you hold?  I'll be right back...


311-04    (13840 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh brilliant and kind Oracle, clever scholar, cuter than a whole bunch
> of butterflies, whose wisdom bashes the Trilateralists, without whom
> reality would be sad, I beg of you, answer my humble query.  Someone
> posted on sci.os.bugs an article saying that everyone who reads
> alt.announce.flames is really twittish, anile, and truculent.  I, of
> course, read alt.announce.flames.  I do consider myself truculent, and
> when pressed to absolute honesty I must admit that I am anile.  Am I
> really twittish as well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. You owe the oracle a '57 Chevy.
}
} (No, no, no, that won't do at all.)
} (What do you mean, that won't do? That's a fine answer. Concise,
} straight, to the point. Plus I'm in a hurry.)
} (Geez, no wonder We never get into the Oracularities. You can't just
} have a one line answer like that. It's gotta be FUNNY.)
} (All right, all right... what do YOU suggest?)
} (How about one of those cute UNIX sessions? You know, login to
} pearlygates.heaven.com and mess around with the earth/questioners
} directory, even have one of those nifty messages from
} god@universe.gov...)
}
} % rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com
} Connected to pearlygates.heaven.com -- escape character is ^HD
} login: oracle
} password:
}
} Welcome to pearlygates.heaven.com -- Running BSD Unix V55.2
} You have new mail.
} 1 % mail
} New mail - 1502 items - Subject: "tell me"
} mail> q
} 2 % mail | answeringdaemon       ; I can't be bothered...
} 3 % cd /usr/universe/milky-way/earth/questioner
} 4 % ls -l questioner
} questioner   155megs rwed--tar   Last changed: 02 Jan 1977
}
} Well, there you have it -- the "twittish" bit is set so you must be
} twittish. You owe the Oracle AT&T SVR4, running on a Commodore PET.
}
} (No, no, that'll never do. That wasn't even proper UNIX syntax.
} "mail | answeringdaemon?" Give me a BREAK...)
} (Well, it was YOUR idea in the first place! Look, how about we abuse
} the questioner for not including enough gratuitous bowing and scraping?
} That always works.)
} (OK, why not.)
}
} "Clever scholar"? That's all? I'm just clever? I warn you, mortal, I am
} sorely tempted to cast a few random lightning bolts in your general
} direction. I mean, remember, this is the ORACLE you're speaking to,
} not some two-bit minor deity whose followers hang around in airports
} sniffing illegal substances. I am Omniscient, Omnibenevolent,
} Omnipotent, Omnivorous, and lots of other words that begin with O,
} and am therefore worthy of MUCH greater respect than being called
} "clever"!
}
} I've forgotten what you asked now. No matter: you still owe the Oracle
} the keys to the city of Cleveland, a Sony Betamax, and Kei and Yuri's
} home phone numbers. Or else... ZZZZZT!
}
} (Hmmmmm.... no. No good. It's been done before.)
} (Yeah. Geez, this actually answering questions stuff is HARD. I'd
} forgotten how difficult it was. We ought to've just fed this one
} to the autodaemon. Say, why were you in such a hurry in the first
} place?)
} (I'm meeting Lisa in fifteen minutes. See ya.)
} (Hey! Come back here! We haven't -- what about -- damn. This
} schizophrenia stuff isn't all it's cracked up to be. Oh well, gotta
} think of something quick...)
}
} The answer to your question, dear petitioner, is that you've got it
} backwards -- alt.announce.flames doesn't cause you to be twittish,
} anile, and truculent; it's because you are twittish, anile, and
} truculent, and have no redeeming qualities whatsoever, that you have to
} spend your time reading fictional newsgroups. So there.
}
} sigh... Since Lisa's busy, you still owe the Oracle Kei and Yuri's
} numbers. And a standard C library without fork() in it. This duelling
} Oracles stuff has been done to death. To death, I tell ya.


311-05    (18520 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O vivacious and scintillating Oracle, qui ne sait rien,
> What is the sound that one hand makes in clapping?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beware!
}
} The Oracle knows French.  Backhanded compliments such as these show a
} dangerous predilection on the part of the questioner toward living on
} the edge of a precipice.  Why, only yesterday Zeus, my buddy, scored
} a thunderbolt on a little old lady who tweaked us the wrong way.
}
} While I'm thinking of a suitable punishment for you, O misguided mortal
} (You silly king, I FART in your general direction) I will multiprocess
} and come up with an answer to your equally silly, cliched question.
} (sorry, no accent egu available ici.)
}
} >>>>>Logon: Central Oracle Processor
} >>>>>Enter Password: #########
}
} *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.
} Welcome to the Mount Olympus InfoNet Subsystem.  Enter your query:
}
} 1 Hand Clapping?> Output?>
} . . . . .
}
} Thrice the brinded cat hath mewed.
} Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.
} Harpier cries. 'Tis time, 'tis time.
} Round about the caldron go:
} In the poisoned entrails throw.
} Toad, that under cold stone
} Days and nights has thirty-one
} Swelt'red venom sleeping got,
} Boil thou first i' th' charm
} d pot.
}
} >>>>LOGOFF
}
} End Session V.3.08
} Charges: 13 Earthling Gonads, 1 lb goat cheese, a hedgehog.
}
} THANK YOU FOR USING OLYMPUSNET
} !!!!!!!
} >>no carrier.
}
} *Well!  I guess your question will be answered when Birnam Wood shall
} come to Dunsinane.  Beware: Fair is foul and foul is fair.
} <apologies to Wm Shakespeare>
}
} ..... You owe the Oracle 3 hedgehog gonads, and your left hand.


311-06    (22426 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ssss....O preciousssss Oracle.....Whosssssse loinsssssss are like unto
> lussssscioussssss fissssssssh....whossssssse eyesssssss are lovelier
> than eggsssssssssessssssss....whossssssssse wisssssdom isssssss worth
> more than birthday presssentsssss.....Isss that my preciousssss in
> your pocketsessss, or are you jussst glad to ssssee me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Opening Scene: The Vale
}
} Dildo Dragqueen enters stage left.  He is in pitch blackness.
}
} Dildo Dragqueen:  SwallowHim?  Is that you?
}
} SwallowHim:  Yesssss.  Whatssssss in yourrrr pocketsessssss?
}
} Dildo: Wouldn't you like to know, honeybunch.
}
} SwallowHim:  Yesssss!  Yessssssssssssssssssses!
}
} Dildo:  (playing pocketssessss pool)  You want it? You want it now?
}
} SwallowHim: (to self) . . . yessssss... yessssss.....yessss . . . he
}       wantsssess the ring, yessssesss he doesssssss.  Rubssss the
}       ringssss rubbssssss itsssesss.  yesssssssess.
}
} Dildo: (adjusting night vision goggles and infra-red sight) (to self)
}       Take this, you c*cks*ck*ng wog!
}
} Dildo aims the Rambo-sized AK-47 in the direction of the lisping,
} panting animal, his finger flipping the switch to "automatic".  In a
} few moments, the awful, murderous SwallowHim is hamburger.  The cave
} walls reverberate with the sound of spent casings clicking to the
} floor.
}
} Sighing, Dildo holsters the AK and heads back (northeast) towards the
} forest. As the clear light of day twinkles through the overhanging
} trees, he hums a tune,
} "How Much Orc can a Good Orc Orc if a Good Orc Dorks New Orc?"  He is
} cheerful now, and calm.  A new day is warming.  The ring is still his.
}
} Curtain.


311-07    (12841 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh very massively psychic Oracle, whose printing press I am not capable
> to kiss, grant me this morsel of your wisdom. Which is worse, the
> unrestrained fury of the Companions of Cthulhu or the fury of the
> Friends of the Hammocks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, we are massive aren't we?  [flex, flex]  The Oracle appreciates
} your skillful groveling and will answer your question.  It is quite
} perplexing for the mortal mind, I'll grant, because the fury of either
} is rather unimpressive.
}
} Let's take the case of the Companions of Cthulhu shall we?  Ever since
} Cthulhu has been restricted to dreaming in sunken R'lyeh, his prestige
} has waned.  Most of his cultists nowadays are uneducated filthy wrecks
} of subhuman inbred families cut off from the rest of the world.  Now a
} few, like the Hermetic Order of the Silver Twilight know up from down
} and right from left, but they are the exception that proves the rule.
} Most of the Order of the Silver Twilight are skilled mages, centuries
} old.  They aren't getting any new recruits of any skill.  In fact, the
} large body of the Order's membership consists of the primary type of
} Cthulhu cultist of the day, whose only claim to power is usually a
} shotgun loaded with birdshot. The real powers of the order refer to
} them as 'Purina Ghul Chow', and often share their little joke in front
} of the lower echelons by chanting, "Chow, chow, chow," and lurching
} back and forth like a ghul.  These are only the minions of Cthulhu, not
} the companions, but it serves to show what Cthulhu's power base is like
} now.  The Companions of Cthulhu are now mostly sycophants or relatives,
} or both.  They're just leaches sucking off the Big Guys prestige [which
} is rapidly fading].  Most of them make Smealas Wormtongue look like an
} astute advisor.  The only time you could really fear their fury is if
} you were one of them and 'the Big C' seemed to be favoring you over
} them.  An even more recent indicator of Cthulhu's falling prestige is
} that Father Dagon and Mother Hydra have broken with him and are making
} a play to fill the power vacuum that has existed ever since such hot
} night spots as R'lyeh, Hyperborea, and the Nameless City have sunk
} beneath the waves.
}
} Now the Friends of the Hammocks are a new organization that seems to be
} quite popular.  However, the nature of their activities tends to damp
} their fury.  Usually the Friends of the Hammocks are in one, and they'd
} sure be furious if you dumped them out, but all you'd have to do is run
} past a Seely posturepedic matress as they chase you, and well, most
} members of Friends of the Hammocks belong to Friends of the Matresses
} too... They just don't stay furious.  They're too commited to the goals
} of the society.
}
} Now, whose fury is worse?  That's a poorly worded statement, friend.
} The Friends of the Hammocks are worse at being furious, since they tend
} to be distracted by what are to them, more pressing matters.  The
} Companions of Cthulhu would be worse to have furious at you, since the
} source of their fury would involve what is to them the most important
} matter in all existence, kissing up to Cthulhu, and they are a rather
} single minded lot. Still, they aren't that much of a threat, all the
} competant Companions have left and are working for Exxon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Necrohammockon.


311-08    (26440 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Soon may the glyphogens come,
> To bring us cougars and fleas and scum.
> Someday, when the mucking is done,
> Can we take our beasts and go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't ask me. We don't *get* alt.sex.bestiality at this site.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bigger hard disk and a Trailblazer.


311-09    (12571 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most reverent and learned oracle, next to whom
> I am as puny as Arnold Schwarzenegger, please answer
>
>       Is it nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of
> outrageous fortune than to take arms against a sea of
> troubles, and, by opposing, end them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, that this too, too solid terminal would thaw, melt, and resolve
} itself into a dew!  Or that the Everlasting Oracle had not fixed Its
} canononical input against self-slaughter of processes!  To kill -9, to
} sleep 60, perchance to dream?  Ay, there's the SIGRUB!
}
} Just because your body isn't as big as Arnold Schwarzenegger is no
} reason to kill yourself.  The Oracle recommends that you seek
} counseling and stop quoting macabre Elizabethan playwrights to whom all
} this suicide talk was really nothing more than light entertainment for
} the unwashed masses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a morbid quote from Macbeth.


311-10    (14722 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendid and radient Oracle, whose fingers are like unto foinging
> fleas, whose shinbone I am too sentient to lick, whose altar channels a
> whole bunch of wolfs who have gone to school, I abase myself before
> your Filipino altar. Are there any cereals better than Honey Munchies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} On the third moon of the gas giant Xnurt, which circles Cygnus Beta,
} there grows a remarkable grain known to the local sentient beings as
} "ffrwtllwps" (just a coincidence, really).  The heart of this grain is
} a soft, chewy pod, indescribably delicious, which contains seven
} vitamins and iron, provides 100% of the minimum daily requirements of
} twelve minerals, carbohydrates, and protein, and induces pleasant, but
} not distracting hallucinations.  Unfortunately, it is also deadly
} poisonous to all known life-forms, and harbors no fewer than
} forty-seven species of endoparasite.
}
} On balance, you're better off with a bagel and a cup of coffee.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large decaf, extra light, no sugar, to go.


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