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Internet Oracularities #312

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Usenet Oracularities #312    (15 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 31 May 91 14:47:14 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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312   15 votes 12750 36312 16530 21453 26421 12354 11184 23325 15351 23343
312   3.1 mean  3.1   2.5   2.7   3.4   2.6   3.6   3.9   3.3   3.0   3.2


312-01    (12750 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle whose knowledge is greater than
> infinity.... I have found a secret ancient manuscript with the
> following questions written on it. Can you answer them for me please?
>
> How do fish learn to swim?
> Can birds fly backwards and upside down?
> If fork() creates a child process, what does knife() do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Multiple questions, eh?  Well, I don't usually do multiple questions,
} but as you've plied me with enough compliments, here goes:
}
}       How do fish learn to swim?
}
} Fish learn to swim by a complex process known as "aquatemation."
} Essentially, when a baby fish, or fishling, is hatched, it does not
} know how to swim.  Nor does it know how to breathe by passing water
} through its gills to collect oxygen.  In fact, it doesn't even know
} it's a fish.  As you might guess, in this state, a fishling is very
} vulnerable.  That's the reason fish lay so many eggs -- many fishlings
} become confused and distracted, and end up becoming lower lifeforms,
} such as plankton, flatworms, or lawyers.
}
} Anyway, those fortunate fishlings who get their acts together notice,
} shortly after hatching, that other creatures in the water are moving
} about them in a horizontal manner.  On the other hand, the fishling is
} rapidly descending into the ocean depths, as it's just sitting there
} motionless.  In the complex, lightning speed of aquatemation, the
} fishling comes to several key realizations: "Hey, there are creatures
} in the water."  "Hey, I'm also a creature."  "Hey, I don't feel so
} good, but the water going over my gills seems to help."  "Hey, those
} other creatures are moving, and I'm sinking.  Maybe if I move my fins
} and tail like they do... Yes!  Yes, that's it!  I'm moving!!  I'M
} MOVING!!!"
}
} Thus reassured about its place in the universe, the fishling goes on to
} become the catch of the day at your local seafood restaurant.
}
}       Can birds fly backwards and upside down?
}
} This is a little know fact among you mortals, but birds DO fly upside
} down and backwards.  What you think is the head of a bird is really the
} tail.  And the top is really the bottom.  This may be the same for a
} lot of people you know.
}
}       If fork() creates a child process, what does knife() do?
}
} Knife() creates a black-sheep-of-the-family process.  That's a process
} that happens but that no one wants to claim is theirs.
}
} You owe The Oracle dinner.  All this talk about fish, fowl and forks is
} making me hungry...


312-02    (36312 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>       I was on a hot date with a girl I met in my Abnormal Psychology
> lecture.  She's about 5'5, brown eyes, cute dimples and long brown hair
> that stops right in the middle of her back.  I really liked her, so I
> asked her out.  I decided to take her to a semi-casual restaurant
> about twenty miles from the university.
>       Dinner was going well.  There was great conversation, great
> food and we were really getting along well.  Then, in the middle of
> the cheese course, she stands up and screams "You don't scare me,
> you English bed-wetting types with your knees bent running about
> advancing behavior!"  Then she got up and left, inadvertently stealing
> my car in the process.  I ended up paying for dinner and walking home.
> She returned my car the next morning.   My question is,  what do I
> say?  The last time I had "Woman Trouble" you told me to try and
> sort it out and if I couldn't, to call a certain telephone number
> and tell my story to the girl who answered.  I didn't make the
> call so I have a feeling it's all coming back to haunt me.
> I'm miserable.. Please help..
>                                               Disenheartened
>
> BTW, did you get the Fruit Bat I sent as payment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} < Oracle picks at a peice of flesh between his teeth >
}
} Most delicious.
}
} All I can say is that you indeed do have a problem.
}
} Lets have a closer look.
}
} < Oracle transforms into a button and attachs one self to the shirt >
}
} Lets go
}
} < Subject meets girl in Medical Disorders Seminar >
}
} ' Hi Baby '
} " Who the hell are you " < He is off to a bad start >
}
} 'What do you think of the presentation ?' < Average >
}
} " Well it was most deep and meaningfull especially in the ..."
}   < Girl starts Verbosing >
}
} ' { Looks at watch } Uh I have to run but can we continue this say over
}       dinner ? "  < Subtle as a lead brick >
}
} " Well OK when ? " < She was half expecting this >
}
}               [  They agree on a time and place ]
}
} [ Over dinner she talks about the seminar , He tries not to , Things
} are going well until she spies his button.]
}
} < Girls sees button ( Oracle) and elopes with button >
}
} oops I must keep my almost magical charms under control.
}
} Then My only advice is Don't leave your keys in the car. Make sure if
} any one has to walk home it is her.
}
} You owe the Oracle 3 more Fruitbats and 1 and 1/2 litre bottle of axel
}  grease to wash them down


312-03    (16530 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O transparent Oracle, renown as the very paradigm of egoless
> programming, this victim of minicomputer systems nostalgia and carpal
> tunnel syndrome asks why junior programmers are so obstinate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.   The oracle has often wondered that himself.  Unfortunatly the
} answer to that question is quite complex.  For instance assembly
} programers view programing in assembler to be the one true way to get
} the machine to do things fast enough.  While machine code programmers
} (not to many junior machine code programers around these days) view the
} assembler programers as "wimps". Which brings us to the real wimps, the
} PASCAL programers.  These quiche eaters should never be obstinate.  If
} they become obstinate, just make em' translate fortran into pascal.
} That'll put em in their place.  Course the fortran people come in two
} varieties; first the nostalgic few who long for the good old days (even
} though most of them wern't born in the good old days). You can pick
} these out because they use fortran 66 not I repeat NOT fortran 77.
} Fortran 77 is for commie bastards who are perverting GOD'S computing
} language. Fortran 66... do loops the way GOD ment them to be... but I
} digress.
}
} If your programers are programing in "C" or in a high level language;
} don't worry at all; just tell them you want a "fast" something or other
} and watch them writhe when they tell you that 'Language X' is to slow
} to implement that.
}
} Then drive home the point and ask them "What good is it then?"
}
} In short they're obstinate because they think they know how to do what
} they want to do but only I know how to do what they want to do how to
} do it do.
}
} You owe the Oracle a punchcard reader.


312-04    (21453 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <stdgrovel.h>
> #include <stdoracle.h>
> #include <heaven-com.h>
>
> #define ORACLE "Usenet Oracle"
> #define MOUNTAIN "iuvax.cs.indiana.edu"
> #define MAX_GROVEL 10
>
> int     main ()
> {
>         int     i;
>         char    *mouse = "Humble Supplicant";
>
>         findmountain (MOUNTAIN);
>         findoracle (ORACLE);
>         consult (ORACLE);
>         for (i=0; i<MAX_GROVEL; i++)
>                 grovel(ORACLE, rand());
>         askquestion ("Do ducks?  Why ducks?");
>         signature (*mouse);
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #include <lightning.h>
} #include <thunder.h>
} #include <see_all.h>
} #include <hear_all.h>
} #include <know_all.h>
} #include <demigod.h>
} #include <punish.h>
} #include <humor.h>
} #include <clever.h>
} #include <subtle.h>
} #include <lisa.h>
} #include <stdio.h>
} #include <nonstdio.h>
}
} #define VICTIM "Humble Supplicant"
} #define ORACLE "Usenet Oracle"
} #define MOUNTAIN "iuvax.cs.indiana.edu"
} #define PLANET "Earth"
}
} int   main ()
} {
}       char    *question, *answer;
}
}       if (create_incarnation (ORACLE, PLANET, MOUNTAIN) == -1) {
}               perror ("create_incarnation");
}               exit (-1);
}       }
}       ridicule (VICTIM);
}       question = get_question (VICTIM);
}       ridicule (question);
}       threaten (VICTIM);
}       switch (rate_question (question)) {
}       case INTERESTING:
}               answer = seek_answer (question);
}               answer = add_subtle (answer);
}               answer = add_clever (answer);
}               answer = add_humor (answer);
}               break;
}       case TEDIOUS:
}               answer = random_answer ();
}               break;
}       case STUPID:
}               answer = NULL;
}               punish (VICTIM);
}               break;
}       case INSULTING:
}               answer = NULL;
}               destroy (VICTIM);
}               break;
}       }
}       reply (answer);
} }


312-05    (26421 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who bestrides the planets and is an even better singer
> than Peter Gabriel, it is said that thou canst see both past and
> future.
>
> In that case, please answer thy servant's questions...
> (1) Will Roger Waters ever rejoin Pink Floyd?
> (2) Will Dan Quayle ever be president of the USA?
> (3) Are Elvis and Jim Morrison really dead?
> (4) Is the Great Goddess Ceridwen still alive?
> (5) Who am I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa, there little buckaroo, hol' on with all them questions.  Yer
} gonna confuse yer ol' pal the Oracle!  Now le'see, ah think ah got it
} all straight fer ya: Dan Quayle and Ceridwen aren't dead; they run off
} t'gether to join Pink Floyd.  You're the Great Goddess Jim Morrison,
} President of the US of A, but you ARE dead.  Roger Waters is a better
} singer than Peter Gabriel, and Elvis is undead.
}
} Got all that?  Goooood!
}
} Ya owe th' Oracle a new saddle.


312-06    (12354 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the difference between Udders and Hooters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's Top Ten Differences between Udders and Hooters:
}
} 10.  If you make it between a pair of Udders, you're sick;  if you make
}      it between a pair of Hooters, you're just kinky.
} 9.   Udders give more butterfat than Hooters, but Hooters give sweeter
}      milk.
} 8.   Rev. Donald Wildmon doesn't currently object to showing Udders on
}      TV.
} 7.   You rarely see pictures of Udders in National Geographic.
} 6.   Maidenform doesn't do bras for Udders.
} 5.   Milking devices for Hooters will fit in a handbag.
} 4.   Rudi Genreich would have died an udder unknown had he invented the
}      topless cow bathing suit.
} 3.   A movie showing scenes of Udders winds up on the Nashville Network
}      instead of on Bravo.
} 2.   When dancing, Hooters are more easily reached than Udders.
}
} And reason #1: In a size contest, Morganna's Hooters will beat any set
} of Udders.
}
} You owe the Oracle a size 38D redhead.


312-07    (11184 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Honorable Oracle-san, please do tell me:  If the Chinese
> government adheres to the party line of
>
>       *The nail that sticks out must be hammered down*
>
> .... where does that leave the millions of dissidents that are mourning
> the Tianamen Square *crackdown* (hammer-down) of 4 years ago?  Is China
> a nation of nails that won't lie down?  What's next???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} $AUTOANSWER INITIATED:  QUESTION VERIFICATION PHASE
}
} $INFORMATIVE: 5 question-marks detected ...
} $INFORMATIVE: 3 questions detected ...
} $INFORMATIVE: QUESTION -- QUESTION-MARK MISMATCH: querent DWEEB-LEVEL: 2
} $INFORMATIVE: 3 questions detected in one submission: querent
}               DWEEB-LEVEL: 4
} $INFORMATIVE: 3 words in obsequious phrases (CURRENT MINIMUM: 20):
}               "Most Honorable" "please": querent DWEEB-LEVEL: 21
}
} $AUTOANSWER CONTINUES:  SEMANTIC ANALYSIS PHASE
}
} $INFORMATIVE: JAPANESE -- CHINESE cultural confusion / nationality
}               conflict: Oracle-san is a Japanese naming form. querent
}               DWEEB-LEVEL: 22
} $INFORMATIVE: 1 Carl Sagan reference: "millions of": DISCARDED
} $INFORMATIVE: 2 glue references: "adheres" "sticks"
} $INFORMATIVE: 2 hammer references: "... be hammered down" "hammer-down"
} $INFORMATIVE: 2 nail references: "The nail that ..." "nation of nails"
} $INFORMATIVE: 4 phallic/sex references: "The nail that ..." "nation of
}               nails" "won't lie down" "sticks out"
} $INFORMATIVE: 5 political references: "Chinese government" "party line"
}               "Tianamen Square" "China a nation..." "dissidents"
} $INFORMATIVE: 1 extremely vague question detected: "What's next?":
}               querent DWEEB-LEVEL: 32
} $INFORMATIVE: 1 bad metaphor detected: "China --> nation of nails that
}               won't lie down": querent DWEEB-LEVEL: 42
} $INFORMATIVE: 1 super-serious question detected: "... millions of
}               dissidents that are mourning ...": querent DWEEB-LEVEL:
}               52
} $INFORMATIVE: QUERENT DWEEB-LEVEL EXCEEDED (CURRENT MAXIMUM: 50): silly
}               answer acceptable.
}
} $AUTOANSWER CONTINUES:  SUGGESTION PHASE
}
} $INFORMATIVE: Carl Sagan: DISCARDED
} $INFORMATIVE: glue: "I'm rubber and you're glue:  What you say and what
}               you do bounces off me and sticks to you."
} $INFORMATIVE: hammer: "If I had a hammer, there would be no more folk-
}               singers."
} $INFORMATIVE: hammer - nail: "If all you have is a hammer, everything
}               looks like a nail."
} $INFORMATIVE: phallic/sex: [OUTPUT BUFFER OVERFLOW] [OUTPUT FLUSHED]
} $INFORMATIVE: phallic/sex - nail: "... bed of nails ..."
} $INFORMATIVE: political - phallic/sex: "Politics makes strange
}               bedfellows."
} $INFORMATIVE: pun suggestions: "nails --> snails"
}               "crackdown --> [anatomical reference]"
}               "crackdown --> [drug reference]"
}               "nail --> [sexual reference]"
}
} $AUTOANSWER CONTINUES:  ANSWER CONSTRUCTION PHASE
}
} $INFORMATIVE: BEST MATCH: "Politics makes strange bedfellows, and
}               getting nailed on a bed of nails is no fun, believe me.
}               Even with enormous amounts of experience at screwing its
}               citizens, the Almighty Oracle doubts the Chinese
}               hard-liners can keep it up forever.
}
}               Besides, those nail-beds leave all sorts of funny marks
}               that makes the Significant Other ask some pretty
}               embarrassing personal questions, even more embarrassing
}               since the honest answers would all be "Yes."
}
}               Mrs. Mao Tse Tung would never approve."
}
} $AUTOANSWER CONTINUES:  COST EVALUATION PHASE
}
} $INFORMATIVE: final QUERENT DWEEB-LEVEL: 52: RESULTANT CHARGE-VALUE: 53
} $INFORMATIVE: Quantifying...............
} $INFORMATIVE: cost suggestions: CHARGE-VALUE X 10 lbs of plastic
}               explosives -- new AUTOANSWER program -- hot date with
}               Mrs. Mao Tse Tung -- Sealy Posturepedic Nail-Mattress --
}               one Japanese/Chinese/ Chinese/Japanese dictionary
}
} $AUTOANSWER CONTINUES:  COST CONSTRUCTION PHASE
}
} $INFORMATIVE: BEST MATCH: "You owe the families of the victims of the
}               Tianamen Square Massacre 500 pounds of C-4 plastic
}               explosives, you owe yourself a Japanese/Chinese --
}               Chinese/Japanese dictionary, and you owe the Oracle a hot
}               date with Mrs. Mao Tse Tung and a new AUTOANSWER
}               program."


312-08    (23325 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who wastes all their time writing the answers to all these questions,
> anyway?  I wouldn't waste my life typing out some 10 page response to
> the question "Is Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Difficult to make?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who wastes all their time?!?  You have a pitifully limited
} appreciation of the Oracle.  It is not a waste of time.  The Oracle
} provides a window of golden wisdom onto the miserable ignorance of the
} human race.  The Oracle is a blossoming flower of understanding in the
} great weed strewn waste of tired, pedantic facts.  The Oracle is the
} lively light of humor and compassion lost in the smokey gloom of
} modern times.  When life grinds you like a slug beneath a great stone
} wheel, you can always turn to the Oracle for a crack to hide in.  If
} Fate deals you a bad hand, and your soul is in the pot, then the Oracle
} will fill the inside straight and top it off with an ace.  When
} friends and family make you feel like a lost puppy, the Oracle always
} has a bowl of puppy chow.  Do you understand now?  The Oracle is more
} than a game; it is a guiding force in the chaotic bumbling of life.
}
} Besides, how much time do you think it takes to produce a ten page
} answer?  It takes me about 5 minutes.  This whole message took me only
} 25 seconds.  Are you saying that you are slower than that?  Do you
} have a brain tumor or something?
}
} You owe the Oracle some hip boots, a nose plug, and a shovel.


312-09    (15351 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh most powerful and benevolent Oracle, whose integrated circuits
> are so integrated, please answer me this question:
>
>       From what did the koosh evolve, and what does the kooshkin have
> to do with it?
>
>       From your must humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Biologists are pretty strongly divided about the
} origin of the koosh.  The koosh shares some features with
} many different plants, but none of them are the important
} ones.  Most of the theories which are taken seriously do
} not have a careful history of the koosh, but instead point
} to other related plants, and suppose they have some sort of
} common ancestor.
}       Among these theories are the "Deep-Ocean Sponge Theory",
} the "Mexican Jumping Bean Theory", the "Bounced Check Theory", and
} most famous of all, the "Rubber Tree Theory".  The last one was
} the theory proposed by the discoverer of _hortentus kooshkinitis_,
} Dr. Andre Kooshkin.
}       The debate over the origin of the koosh had been all but
} forgotten when Tony Petrruchio released his popular book,
} "Behind the Koosh", in which he argued that the koosh was
} merely a synthetic rubber toy made by toy manufactures, and
} Dr. Kooshkin had been sneaking out at night and sticking them
} in the ground.
}       Petrruchio's claims were never substantiated, although
} they destroyed Kooshkin's career.  (The fact that, as Petrruchio
} pointed out, Kooshkin's name could be anagrammed to 'shin kook'
} didn't help his orthopedic practice either.)
}
} You owe the oracle a lifetime supply of President Bongo postings.


312-10    (23343 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great oracle whose powers of wisdom spans the cosmos, whose
> existance enlightens all sentient beings everywhere, whose
> cross-dimensional mind is filled with standing waves of knowledge,
> whose thoughts monitor all of creation... Oh Great oracle whose
> distilled wisdom and sagacity are like unto no other, whose limitless
> incarnations in its many anonymous forms male, female and neuter...
> whose blessed voice fills all who hear it with great awe of your
> massive intelect... please answer my question:
>
> How do I get into hanger 18 and steel the trans-warp-drive for the UFO?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, no one has made a steel trans-warp-drive for many years now,
} mostly because the positronic scanners tended to demangitize your
} neural core when you tried to turn right (remember the right-hand-rule
} from physics? well, if you were an early warp pilot and forgot, you
} might just demagnitize your brain. Many of these pilots had to retire
} from space-travel and become complexity theorists, where your brain
} polarity doesn't matter). Marvin Minsky first theorized that a
} successful positronic Warp Drive could be created by demagnitizing
} your brain, and them remagnitizing it with the neural substrate of a
} rapidly accelerating virtual reality. The problem was, he depolarized
} his brain a few too many times and turned into Nicholas Negroponte
} (they are really the same person---ever notice how you never see them
} together?) That's why modern warp drives are made of silicon,
} Jello-brand gelatin, and artificial hair, held together with Chomsky's
} Government Binding formula.


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