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Internet Oracularities #313

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Usenet Oracularities #313    (16 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 3 Jun 91 19:25:25 -0500

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   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

313   16 votes 01564 32722 25621 42541 78100 37330 56410 21472 03661 31a11
313   2.8 mean  3.8   2.9   2.7   2.8   1.6   2.4   2.1   3.4   3.3   2.8


313-01    (01564 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, overseer of all things, both foreign and domestic,
> please help me.  I have been arguing with a friend over the subject of
> cause and effect in time-travel.  He says if you go back in time and
> shoot your father, you will die.  I say that you will still be alive,
> only much slower and have the word 'Bob' attached to the end of your
> first name.  Please tell me which of us is right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lightening crashes in through the dirty windows of a musty
} laboratory. Thunder echoes from the damp stone walls, mixed with
} occasional maniacal laughter from a figure crouched in the corner.
} The spidery fingers of the Oracle dance over a wall size control
} panel, fine tuning the settings on the bulky machinery that fills the
} room.  In between his hysteric outbursts of laughter, snatches of his
} incessant mutterings can be made out...
}
} "...just because I'm supposed to know everything... I'm hungry
} dammit... f***ing wise-ass supplicants think they can stump me with
} this damn father-son paradox ... I should be in bed with Lisa...
} well, we're going to find out once and for all!"
}
} With this last utterance, the Oracle leans over and throws a giant
} scissor switch set into the wall. A giant, scrolling LED display
} begins to count down...
}
} "30,29,28...."
}
} The Oracle shuffles towards the center of the room, opens a small
} door in a chamber that resembles a locomotive boiler, and climbs in.
}
} "20,19,18... Dow Jones closed at 1725... IBM Stock falls 3.25
} points... 15,14,13..."
}
} The Oracle turns, and sits on a small wooden plank bolted to the
} chamber wall. He glances nervously through the small glass window in
} the door. A tiny drop of sweat rolls off his brow and splashes
} silently on the iron floor.
}
} "4,3... Maple Leafs: 1   Kings:3 ... 2,1... ZERO"
}
} In a blinding flash of light, the assembly occupying the floor of the
} room dissappears. The control console goes dark except for a small
} readout flashing quietly in the center of wall:
}
} "Destination: IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU    Date: May 40, 1985  02:25"
}
} {Fade out and back in, revealing a dusty computer room with a single
} occupant}
}
} The quiet tapping of computer keys drift across the room.  Suddenly
} the room goes dark and then lights back up again as lightning flashes
} criss-cross the ceiling.  As the lightening fades, and the pale glow
} of the flourescent lights blink back on, we see a new figure standing
} in the room.  This new person, the Oracle, walks slowly to the man
} crouched at the computer terminal...
}
} "Steve Kinzler?"
}
} The man at the keyboard looks up, "Yeah,  Where's my pizza?"
}
} With a deft movement, the Oracle reaches into his lab coat and
} removes a bulky object. Suddenly, Mr. Kinzler finds himself looking
} down the barrel of a huge handgun, the laser sight glowing brightly
} in his left eye.
}
} Mr. Kinzler, panicking, starts to shuffle his chair backwards, "Hey,
} hey, hey! No reason to get upset. I'll tip you this time, honest!"
}
} The Oracle, holding the gun, mutters quietly, "Goodbye father"
}
} ... and pulls the trigger
}
} --------------------- (blip) ---------------------
}
} SYSTEM ERROR%% ZOMBIE PROCESS CREATED BY UNRECOGNIZED USER
} SYSTEM ERROR%% SOURCE ACCOUNT: BILLY-BOB KINZLER
} REBOOTING...


313-02    (32722 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> thricken% cat > to_oracle
> What on earth do all the numbers mean at the top of the list of
> occularities?  Are they supposed to be the results of the voting?
>
> Oh dear, forgot to grovel ... um ...
> ^D
> thricken% ed to_oracle
> 154
> $p
> Oh dear, forgot to grovel ... um ...
> 1i
> Oh Oracle who is jolly cunning and knows a thing or two, I can tell
> you, please bestow upon me the gift of your bounteous knowledge:
>
> .
> w
> 311
> q
> thricken% mail oracle < to_oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tsk, Tsk!  Silly supplicant, know you not that the Oracle cannot
} be fooled?  As you can see, the Oracle is fully aware of your utter
} lack of reverence and self-deprecation.  I have included above a
} complete transcript of your misdeeds in both thought and action.
}
} I'm afraid I'm just going to have to make an example of you.  You
} mortals are getting far too cocky lately.
}
} What have you done, you ask? (You see -- again I read your thoughts.
} You lower species are so transparent to such an incredibly omniscient
} and really neat entity as myself.)
}
} Here is why, oh foolish mortal, that I must castigate you:
}
} (1)  Not only did you include your requisite grovelling as an
} AFTERTHOUGHT, but you prepended it to your message with with ed(1)!
} The Oracle generally expects that truly reverent messages be composed
} with GNU EMACS at the very least.  Only the works of the great and
} free software god Richard Stallman and his angels truly interfaces
} well with the Mighty Oracle.  Anything less is like you sending the
} Pope a petition written on toilet paper.  For the sake of you mortals,
} the Oracle tolerates toilet paper occasionally, but groveling with
} ed(1) is far worse than sending a request on USED toilet paper!
} GAAAAHHHH!!!
}
} 2)  When you DID finally get around to groveling (It was almost AN
} ENTIRE 4.8831 SECONDS after you had composed your question), JUST LOOK
} at what you said:
}       "Oh Oracle who..."      ; This was a good start, I admit.
}
}       "..is jolly cunning..." ; This part was OK, although 'jolly
}                               ; cunning' is not really a very dignified
}                               ; way of saying 'Magnificent, Fantastic,
}                               ; All-knowing, Gracious, Tremendous,
}                               ; Infinitely Sexy and Above All, Modest'
}
}       "...and knows a thing or two..."
}                               ; A THING OR TWO!!!  A THING OR TWO!!!
}                               ; You call THIS respectful language!!!
}                               ; The mighty Oracle knows ALL.  Do you
}                               ; realize just how much ALL is?  Of
}                               ; course not -- if you did, you'd be
}                               ; me.  Well let me just tell you -- ALL
}                               ; is one awful lot more than a simpering
}                               ; little snivelling puny THING OR TWO.
}                               ; ARRRGHHHH! GGGGAAAAAA! PFFFFTTTT!
}                               ; ACK-PHTPT!  Now that REALLY makes me
}                               ; mad!
}
}       ".. I can tell you,..." ; You can?!! Such presumption!!
}
} And just LOOK at your question!  You started it with "What on
} earth...". On earth.  On EARTH.  ON EARTH!!!!    ARRGGGHHH!!  If you
} think the Great (and very calm and friendly) Oracle spends much of its
} time on EARTH, boy have you got a shock coming!  Mars has a much much
} nicer climate this time of year.  And besides, the Oracle just adores
} the color red.
}
}       So you see, I really have no choice.  Not only will I NOT tell
} you that the answer to your question is "Yes.  The popularity of
} previous digest entries is posted in the current digest.  Consult the
} volume number at the start of the line of numbers to match the results
} up with previous Oracularities", but the Oracle must see to your
} appropriate punishment.  Let me see....
}
}       (sound of someone hunting through a LOT of books on creaky
}        library shelves)
}       'The Marquis and I'            ...hmmmmm. No,no.
}       'I think therefore I Ching'    ...no,no.
}       'The Intel 8086 Users Manual'  ...hmmmmm. Better. Much better.
}                                         Not quite it...
}       'Implications of the existence of distraught and disjoint mani-
}        folds on the structure of a twenty-three dimensional non-Eucl-
}        idian space time continuum'   ...Gad, no!  Used that one last
}                                         time.
}       'Ancient Tortures Made Simple' ...AHHHH!
}
}       (sound of someone flipping through the pages of an old, dusty
}        book...)
}
}       Yes... I think we'll go with the Chinese Water Torture.  Chain you
} to a wall.  Come in every hour and put 1 drop of water on your head.
} You go nuts waiting for next drop. Hmmmmm.
}       Lets make it more interesting.  Over the course of the
} next 5 days, Oh soon to be regretful one,  Each of the following
} events will happen to you.  Sometime during the day.  You won't
} know when.  Ha.
}
}       Day 1:  A fly will land on your nose.
}       Day 2:  You will be stung on your left elbow by a mosquito.
}       Day 3:  You will find 1/2 an ant in your food.
}       Day 4:  A baby will piddle on your tie.
}       Day 5:  A freak wormhole in space-time will cause a
}               10,000 pound lead weight to drop on your head, reducing
}               you to instantly to a pulp.
}
}       Welllllll-- O.K.  You DID at least TRY to grovel.  Just because
} I'm such a nice entity, we could skip Day 5.  Maybe.  You're going to
} have to prove you're seriously sorry.  To do so:
}
}       (1)     Immediately and without delay, delete all copies of
}       ed(1) from your Un*x system.  Purge it's manuals!  Don't forget
}       the catable ones!!
}
}       (2)     Install GNU EMACS.  If you already have GNU EMACS, install
}       it again.  It might have been contaminated by ed(1).  Recompile it
}       from floppy disk just to be sure!  And you'd better use GNU CC
}       or else!
}
}       (3)     Write and release a virus that will worm its way through
}       all of your puny planet's computer systems, deleting the vile
}       ed(1) wherever it may be found.  Have it convert all MS-DOS(tm)
}       systems to Un*x, and disarm all nuclear missiles, while you're at
}       it.
}
}       (4)     Go to the nearest flagpole.  While wearing only under-
}       shorts made of old MS-DOS(tm) boot disks, (you may use a stapler,
}       tape or strawberry chewing gum to assemble them), climb to the top
}       of the pole.  Sing the following to the tune of Mozart's symphony
}       #41 in G minor, loudly for 2 hours, or until they take you away,
}       whichever comes first:
}
}                       Oh Oracle!! Oracle!!!,
}                       Magnificent and Gracious,
}                       Oh wonderful and friendly one
}                       Who's totally sagacious!
}                       Forgive me, Spiffy Oracle,
}                       Forgive me my fell crime,
}                       I'll never use old ed() again,
}                       I'll EMACS all the time!
}
}       That will suffice.  Good luck.  I'd get to it, if I were you.
} That fly is buzzing your way even as I speak....
}
}       You owe the Oracle a Un*x boot disk and some nifty lisp code
} for EMACS that permits the user to write only in palindromes.


313-03    (25621 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thou Oracle, your insightful insight into overnight
> interludes is requested.  After I stay up all night
> studying, I have noticed that a bizarre, noxious
> substance forms on my tongue.  What is this goop and
> where does it come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm. I'll have to send it over to the lab for analysis.
}
} (SHORT INTERLUDE OF TACKY THEME MUSIC)
}
} Kirk:  Well, what do you make of it, men?
}
} Spock: It is unmistakeably a product of carbon-based life forms,
}        Captain. Logic suggests that, from the circumstances of its
}        discovery, it is likely to be related to the reaction of this
}        example of the human species to some form of extreme emotional
}        experience.
}
} Kirk:  You mean - it's the result of sheer terror?
}
} Spock: Affirmative, captain.
}
} Kirk:  I pity him - what he must have gone through... What could have
}        caused it, though?
}
} Spock: I am afraid I may only offer speculation there. It should be
}        observed that no analogous symptom is known in the Vulcan race;
}        the corresponding absence of the emotional aspect of fear in our
}        race is what led me to my conclusion.
}
} McCoy: Jim, I think you should...
}
} Kirk:  What is it, Bones? Is it dangerous?
}
} McCoy: It's worse than that, Jim. Look at the sensors. It's alive!
}
} Goop:  Fourier transform with respect to x.....
}
} Kirk:  Stand back, men. Phasers on stun.
}
} Goop:  ...second law of thermodynamics...
}
} Kirk:  It's showing signs of intelligence, Spock.
}
} Spock: Not so, Captain. More a form of unthinking repetition of
}        absorbed fact. A characteristic of the lower ranks of mankind.
}
} McCoy: You mean...
}
} Spock: Indeed. A student.
}
} Goop:  ...the significance of Beethoven's later symphonies...
}
} Kirk:  (to communicator) Bridge? Yellow alert.
}
} Siren:  Wrrrupppp!  Wrrrupppp!
}
} Goop:   ...Battle of Trafalgar 1805...
}
} Spock:  There is no need for alarm, captain. The logical conclusion is,
}         that due to the intense stress of exam revision, the victim's
}         brain has attempted to assume a foreign form, and thus effect
}         escape. It appears to have been successful; however it still
}         shows symptoms of having been forcibly educated.
}
} McCoy:  There's no hope for it, Jim. It won't survive long.
}
} Goop:   ...guck shhhlurrrp frppppp...
}
} Kirk:   Well done, men. Bridge? Warp factor two. Anywhere - as long as
}         it doesn't have a high school. The universe is difficult
}         enough, without people understanding it..
}
} You owe the Oracle a degree and a pair of latex ears.


313-04    (42541 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle with the light brown hares,
>
> Why is it that the slow and plodding turtle with the drab and
> uninteresting wardrobe failed to defeat the dashing, debonair, and
> thoroughly swift rabbit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, the danger of fashion.  At first the rabbit zoomed past the
} turtle with a sneer, which irritated the turtle.  Just before the
} rabbit reached the finish line, he happened to pass a shiny window.
} He just had to stop for a second to admire his classy outfit.  What
} did he see, but his cravat did not match his shoes!  What a gastly
} error!  He couldn't be seen crossing the finish line with that outfit.
} He ran back to his house.  On the way back to the finish line, he
} zoomed past the turtle with a sneer, which badly irritated the turtle.
} Just before the rabbit reached the finish line, he stepped in a mud
} puddle.  Oh no!  One shoe and pant leg was dirty!  He ran back to his
} house.  On the way back to the finish line, he zoomed past the turtle
} with a sneer, which seriously pissed off the turtle.  Just before the
} rabbit reached the finish line, he realized that he had forgotten to
} put on sunscreen.  Well, he did not want to risk skin cancer.  He ran
} back to his house.  On the way back to the finish line, he zoomed past
} the turtle with a sneer, which was the last straw for the turtle.  The
} turtle chopped the rabbit off at the knees with a large machete.
} While the rabbit writhed in agony, the turtle crossed the finish line.
}
} You owe the Oracle two lucky rabbit's feet.


313-05    (78100 dist, 1.6 mean)
Selected-By: rutgers!ames!f575.n141.z1.FIDONET.ORG!Michelangelo.Jones

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why I sould have elvis's children?
> find . -type f -name "*bm*" -print > /tmp/hello ) >& /dev/null

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ----- begin transcript -----
}
} OracleOS V19.91  (Rev 0)  (oracle.delphi.grc)
}
} login: oracle
} Password:
}
} Last login: Thu Oct 19 1987 from nyse.satan.com
} OracleOS V19.91  System #0: Mon Jan 1 00:00:00 OST 00001
}
} Welcome to the Oracle at Delphi (tm)!
} Remember, only one question per mortal.
} Have a nice day.
}
} You have new mail
} % osequip
}
} The Oracle Standard Entry Question Unraveling Incremental Parser
}
} Please type query exactly as asked:
} > Why I sould have elvis's children?
}
} Parsing . .
} Error: Word in position number  3 is invalid.
} Alternate spellings:
}   1.  sold (default)
}   2.  souled
}   3.  would
} Enter choice, or <return> for default:
} default taken.
}
} .
} Error: Word in position number  4 conflicts.  Grammar parser error
} #734. Choices:
}   1.  delete word (default)
}   2.  choose a different word
}   3.  retype sentence
} Enter choice, or <return> for default:
} default taken.
}
} .
} Warning: Word in position number  5 shold be capitalized.
} Warning: Word in position number  5 is misspelled.  Form: "s's"
} Capitalization executed; trailing 's' automatically deleted.
}
} .
} Warning: Punctuation does not match sentence.
} '?' changed to '.'
}
} done.  Total number of errors: 0
}
} Text reads: "Why I sold Elvis' children."
}
} ----- pause transcript -----
}
} Hmmmm.  The Oracle questions the wisdom of selling Elvis' children at
} such a low price.  Also, the text of the article in question has some
} rather, um, questionable facts.  For example, Noah Webster did _not_
} build the Ark, nor was he in fact alive in 1956.
}
} ---- continue transcript -----
}
} % find . -type f -name "*bm*" -print > /tmp/hello ) >& /dev/null
} % cat /tmp/hello
}
} % cat /dev/null
} Command completed.   0 file(s) found.
}
} % logout
} Connection closed.
}
} ----- end transcript -----
}
} You owe the Oracle a suBMissive Elvis Love-Child


313-06    (37330 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Question not found.
} Retry, Ignore, Cancel?
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of msdos 8.3!


313-07    (56410 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, the number of the place is 1-555-645-9237,
} ask for Cindy and set up an ``Appointment'' for monday.
} And remember, if the police ask - you don't know her.


313-08    (21472 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and witty, whose profundities could confuse a thousand
> Henry Kissingers, who knows all, sees all, and hears all, and smells
> too, please answer this vexing conundrum:
>
> If one train leaves Palm Springs at 12:00, and a second one leaves
> New York at 4:00, and they each travel at 100 miles an hour, and they
> crash into each other in Kansas City, and the conductor is your mother,
> and half of the passengers are Canadian and the other half are Dutch,
> and if at the same time a radio signal leaves Alpha Centauri and
> reaches Kansas City 4.3 years later, and a passenger is found dead of
> lead poisoning in a locked stateroom with a puddle of water and a
> spiderweb on the floor, and the engineer's middle name is Steve, and
> the only clue is a slip of paper found in a goldfish bowl, and the
> speed of sound in air is 712 miles per hour, and there are 50 states in
> the Union, how many lawyers will sue Amtrak because of the train wreck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, finally a math problem with some meat to it.  The answer is 12,
} but I sense that you do not believe me.  I will provide a variety of
} arguments to choose from, so that there is no doubt as to my
} infailability.
}
} MATHEMATICAL ARGUMENT:
} The subdifferential of a west bound train at 4 p.m. is 13.7 times the
} Croissant index of the local bar exam.  Therefore, given the standard
} argument, 12 lawyers will sue.
}
} RELIGIOUS ARGUMENT:
} 12 is correct.  You must have faith or die, heathen pig.
}
} PHILOSOPHICAL ARGUMENT:
} 12, 20, or 1000.  Does it really matter?
}
} ASTRONOMICAL ARGUMENT:
} According to our data, 12 is correct, within two orders of magnitude.
}
} ARCHEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT:
} In 1275 B.C., there was a crash between two ox drawn carts in the
} lower Sudan.  Given a suitable translation of the Stickymud
} Manuscript, it was said that 12 laywers sued the drivers.  Since modern
} culture is a derivative of the culture of that time, 12 laywers would
} sue today.
}
} ASTROLOGICAL ARGUMENT:
} 12 is the only truly perfect number.  Everything has a twelve in it.
}
} STATISTICAL ARGUMENT:
} The last time there was a train wreck with exactly the same conditions,
} 12 laywers sued.
}
} INTUITIVE ARGUMENT:
} 12 just feels right.  11 is too few, and 13 is far too many.
}
} WEAK ARGUMENT:
} 12, please?
}
} STRONG ARGUMENT:
} TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE,
} TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE,
} TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE,
} TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE,
} TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE, TWELVE,
} T-W-E-L-V-E!  Do you believe me now?


313-09    (03661 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that by the time I have worked up the nerve to ask
> a girl out she's already dating someone else?
> Davey

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your dilemma, for it is a common one.
} Many is the time I am asked: "Why is it that by the time I have
} worked up the nerve to ask a girl out she's already dating someone
} else?"  Sadly there are no simple answers to this question.  Well,
} there is a simple answer, which is that you are an insecure little
} toad who doesn't have the common courtesy to grovel before the
} allmighy Oracle.  But this doesn't really help you out, does it?
}
} Many people will tell you that to solve the problem of the woman
} of your dreams dating someone else, you must first find out why
} you couldn't ask her out in the first place.  These same people
} will give you extremely useless advice, such as "Go ahead, ask
} her out, the worst thing she can do is say no," or "Oh, the right
} woman will come along in due time.  If it is meant to happen, it
} will happen."  These people should be shot, for their own good, and
} because they only make the Oracle's job that much harder.  The truth
} is that it doesn't matter WHY you didn't ask her out, after all,
} she's already seeing this other schmuck, right?  The real question
} is WHAT are you going to do about it?  Here you have two options:
}
} A)  Wallow in self-pity, and wonder what you can do to increase
}         your self confidence
} or
}
} B)  Go out and DO something about it, using the Oracles guaranteed
}         'How to Break Up A Relationship' program.
}
} On the off chance that you don't choose option A, I shall provide
} sections which should prove useful to your situation.
}
} >                 How To Break Up A Relationship
} >                   Chapter 7:  Someone Else's
} >
} >    So, you've gotten through the 'Why is it that by the time I have
} > worked up the nerve to ask her out she's already dating someone
} > else?' stage and moved on to the 'What am I going to do about it?'
} > stage.  Here you must take great care, for not only must you drive
} > a wedge between the two of them, but you must also make sure she
} > doesn't find out you are behind it.  We will follow the situation of
} > an imaginary subject 'Davey' as he attempts to break apart 'Linda'
} > and 'Tom.'
} >    Davey's first step is to go to Linda's apartment and wait until
} > she and Tom arrive.  Once the two of them are safely inside, Davey
} > goes to Tom's car and siphon's out all the gas.  When Tom tries to
} > leave, he cannot start his car, and goes back to Linda's and asks
} > if he can spend the night.  Linda isn't that naiive to fall for the
} > old 'I ran out of gas, honest' routine, and while the two of them
} > are arguing, Davey pours about a gallon of gas back into the tank.
} > (The rest he pours on Tom's new paint job)  When Tom goes back
} > outside to 'prove' that the car won't start, he is astonished to
} > find that, indeed, his car does start.  Tom leaves, and Linda
} > remain's suspicious.
} >    The next day, Davey places an ad the the personal's section of
} > the local newspaper that reads:  'Susan, I love you, Linda means
} > nothing to me, yours forever, Tom' and another that reads 'Linda,
} > I love you, You are the only one for me, yours forever, Tom.'
} > Davey then calls Linda's best friend and tells her that Tom is two-
} > timing Linda and seeing someone named Susan, and to look in the
} > newspaper.  Eventually Tom will convince Linda that this is a case
} > of mistaken identity, and she will quasi-forgive him.
} >    About a week later, while Tom is out, Davey goes to his apartment
} > dressed as a delivery man.  He leaves a package with the neighbors
} > and instructs them to give it to Tom as soon as possible.  Tom
} > returns late with Linda (they went to dinner) and the neighbors
} > bring over Tom's package which he dutifully opens.  Inside he finds
} > a collection of low grade porno films, and an invoice.  By this time,
} > Linda is so turned off, she vows never to speak to Tom again.
} >    The next day, Davey 'happens' to run into Linda and tells her
} > that she looks like she needs someone to talk to.  The rest is
} > history.
}
} Sniff, sniff, I always cry at happy endings.
}
} You owe the Oracle one box of Kleenex


313-10    (31a11 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better, rec.humor.funny, or alt.sex.sheep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  The Oracle loves making subjective judgements, as if you hadn't
} guessed. Even though your question shows a completely improper lack of
} respect for the Oracle's superior opinion, he will share it with you
} anyway.  Anyone needing an answer to this question deserves a little
} mercy.
}
} The easiest way to make this choice for yourself is to look at both
} newsgroups side by side.
}
}     rec.humor.funny                 alt.sex.sheep
}     ---------------                 -------------
}     New sheep jokes                 Old sheep jokes
}     Ethnic jokes                    Ethnic jokes with sheep
}     Shaggy Dog stories              "Soft wool" dissertations
}     rot13 applied to stories        rot13 applied to stories
}       with sexual overtones            that mention "lambchops"
}     Warnings and threats            Warnings and threats
}     Monthly administrative          Monthly "Frequently Asked
}       posts                            Questions list (33rd rev.)"
}     Annual jokebook sale            Annual shearing festival
}     Brad Templeton                  "shepherd@looking.on.ca"
}
} As you can see, there's no discernible difference.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete set of rec.humor.funny jokebooks, bound
} in lambskin.


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