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Internet Oracularities #314

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Usenet Oracularities #314    (22 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 5 Jun 91 17:13:36 -0500

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314   22 votes 49810 13891 08833 14881 36580 13396 44842 13765 26a22 47920
314   3.0 mean  2.3   3.3   3.0   3.2   2.8   3.7   2.8   3.5   2.8   2.4


314-01    (49810 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Joachim Carlos Santos Martillo Ajami?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don Carlos, as he was know in his old days, was the little-known
} inventive force behind the modern tequila bottle.  Having devised a
} still-secret method for inducing small worms to copulate inside
} discarded beer bottles, Don Carlos forever changed the future of
} Northwestern Mexico, taking what was once a sleepy, sun-drenched
} producer of cactus lamps and changing it into a modern, forward-looking
} city--all due to the misguided habits of a set of drunken worms!  What
} a success story!
}
} I ask you, where would modern college life be without the "Tequlia
} Sunrise"? And how many coeds have sucummed to the thrill of feeling
} that little worm trickle down their sleek, sun-taned throats?  Standing
} there by the bar, in the heat of the warm, sea air, throwing back a
} whole line of tequlia shots, their pupils wide with anticipation . . .
}
} The Oracle feels a nocturnal emission coming on . . . .


314-02    (13891 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, well-hung diviner, do tell me this, please.  Which of
> these newsgroups should I create next: sci.video.scuba,
> news.hussy.sample, rec.physics.reindeer (maybe more appropriate at
> Xmastime), rec.sex.strange, or soc.edu.laundry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish mortal, you cannot create a newsgroup.  All newsgroups which
} have existed, do existed, or will exist were created by the net.gods in
} the first cataclysmic instant of net.existance, as related in the Book
} of DARPA, chapt.1, which reads:
}
} 1 In the beginning, all was void and without form.  And from out of the
} formless void was formed a slightly less void void, not devoid of form,
} but still formally void.  And a great voice spake in the void with lots
} of reverb, saying verily "Fiat Lux!"  And there were small European
} automobiles everywhere.
}
} 2 And the voice spake again, saying verily "Everyone's a comedian.  Let
} there be light, already!"  And there was light, and it was good.  A
} little yellow, but good.  And all was still void, but you could see it.
}
} [NB: It goes on like this for several verses before it gets to the
} juicy stuff...]
}
} 12 And the gods parted the domains, and bade them go forth and be
} fruitful and multiply, each after his own kind.  And the domains went
} forth and multiplied, though many wondered if they were really
} fruitful.  And the domains brought forth sub-domains, and the
} sub-domains spawned mailing lists and all was subsumed in flames.
}
} That doesn't really seem terribly relevant to your question does it?
} Well, write it off to oracular obscurity, and go pay your analyst to
} help you unravel it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1909 S VDB penny in near-mint condition.  And a
} double-malted chocolate milk shake to go.


314-03    (08833 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who is spiffier than many, tell me how I may become
> one of the priesthood ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BZZZTTTT! Wrong! I am *not* spiffier than many. I am the *spiffiest*!!.
} Now that we've taken care of the small administrative details, let's go
} to your question: "I may become one of the priesthood ?".
}
} First, you gotta have FAITH my son -- You have to belieeeeeeve in the
} Oracle allmighty -- (walk accross the stage to the lectern. Open thick
} book to random page) -- THIS is the book of revelation!! -- (slap hand
} on open book - a cloud of dust rises) -- THESE are the holy man pages
} which contain the secret to eternal salvation! -- (pick up book - shake
} it violently over head) -- THESE are the words of Oracle, the wisdom of
} our leader -- Help us spread these words of WONDER and HAPPINESS to
} those poor souls who haven't seen the light yet -- (throw book back on
} lectern) -- Sow your seed of FAITH: Go and seek those MS-DOS users.
} Tell them about the JOY of UNIX. -- (walk back to lectern - flip book
} to marked page) -- Let us be bathed by EMACS-1:UNRESTRICTIONS
}
}           "Eventually GNU (Gnu's Not Unix) will be a complete
}           replacement for Berkeley Unix.  Everyone will be able to use
}           the GNU system for free"
}
} I would like to leave you with these words. Words TRUER were never
} uttered. Now go in peace and spread the HOLY word of the Oracle...
} Don't forget to leave a measure of your appreciation and LOVE for the
} Oracle in the baskets located next to every exits. Thank you.
}
} See, that's easy. Franchises are still available in most part of North
} America and everywhere else on your planet. You must have already
} purchased 1 hour of Sunday morning air time on your local TV station
} before applying.
}
} Send application to the usual address with the word "sellme" in the
} subject line...
}
} You owe the oracle Oral Roberts's ears


314-04    (14881 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH most awesome and powerful and cute Oracle:
>
> Will you please, please, please tell me some lies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O.K.
}
} /* Enter mendacious mode... */
} #undef  TRUE
} #undef  FALSE
} #define TRUE  0
} #define FALSE 1
}
} The earth is flat.  All Quebecois are loyal Canadians.  Dan Quayle
} would make a terrific president.  It only rains at night in Camelot.
} The cheque is in the mail.  Elvis lives!  Everything you read or
} hear on television is true.  This won't hurt a bit.  I'll respect
} you in the morning.  Don't worry about the fine print -- this is a
} standard form.  Easy assembly instructions included.  If you don't
} stop it you'll go blind.  It's better in the Bahamas.  Two can live
} as cheaply as one.   You can't get pregnant the first time.  Don't
} worry - I've had a vasectomy.  Babies sleep all the time.  That dress
} is really YOU -- will that be cash or charge?  You don't need to back
} up -- hard drives are 100% reliable.  You're not getting older --
} you're getting better.  Mr. Rogers sings like an angel.  The customer
} is always right.  Smoking is cool.  Computers never make mistakes.
} BASIC is much more powerful than C.  ADA is a really neat programming
} language.  Oh, I just loooove the way you've done your hair!  The
} value of pi is exactly 3.0.  Not one cent of your tax dollar is wasted.
}                               .
}                               .
}       [9,142,233,123,442,112 more lines deleted for brevity]
}                               .
}
} /* Exit mendacious mode... */
} #undef  TRUE
} #undef  FALSE
} #define TRUE  1
} #define FALSE 0
}
}       My, that was easy.  The truth of the matter is that there are a
} LOT more lies than there are truths.  Of course, this sentence may be
} false.
}
}       You owe the Oracle three Indian fruit bats, two "Dan Quayle for
} President -- of the Moon!" buttons and a vial of truth serum.


314-05    (36580 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Ultimate Oracle, what keeps a frisbee in the air?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I thought that I would never see,
} a question about a frisbee.
}
} All the things about which I know,
} trivialize that disk which you throw.
}
} But inspite of this naivish query,
} I'll elinghten you on frisbee theory:
}
} It's light center with hard plastic lip,
} combined with a toss or gentle flip,
}
} imparts a criticle forward rotatation
} that helps maintain its stabilization.
}
} Throw in the law that Bernoulli discovered
} and the mystery of flight is therefore uncovered.
}
} I know I've glossed over it and parts are unclear
} but that's what I remeber from my Sophomore year.
}
} This I will leave you; this you should know,
} An Aerobie is certainly more fun to throw!


314-06    (13396 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty lord Oracle, who is so bloody hugely magnificent that he/she
> makes Jehovah look like a toilet cleaner in comparison...
>
> Do you like Pink Floyd? If so, what's your favourite album? If not, who
> do you like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do I like Pink Floyd?!?  Are you kidding!  To me, all human music
} sounds like someone hammering nails into an aluminum can.  If you were
} to listen to my music, it would melt your brain.  Seriously, do you
} think I would have a personal aesthetic opinion on Pink Floyd?  You
} might as well ask, "do you like the sound of two rocks banging
} together?"  The closest humans have ever come to even slightly
} acceptable music is "Hotel California" by the Eagles.  It's the only
} song I can listen to without gnawing my fingers off.
}
} My favorite album is "Death Song of Larsus."  This is no ordinary
} album; it is an Epic achievement.  Let me tell you how it was made.
} Larsus was a bastard child of Zeus and one of the Muses.  (It is still
} not clear which Muse.)  Larsus was a good singer, a VERY good singer.
} He could sing lichen off of rocks.  He could sing rain of of the sky
} and then sing it back into the clouds.  He could sing a man to
} suicidal depression and then to insane joy within the same minute.
} When Larsus sang, the Earth reverberated in harmony.
}
} Well, in an interesting twist of fate, Hera (Zeus's wife) fell in love
} Larsus.  Now Hera can be a wee bit intimidating.  So, when Larsus was
} running for his life from Hera, he accidentally entered the bedroom of
} Athena (Zeus's daughter).  In order to keep Athena quiet, Larsus sang
} her a quiet little love song, and Athena immediately fell in love with
} him.  Let me tell you, these gods have a complicated sex life.  Of
} course, Larsus did not love Athena or Hera, he loved one of the muses,
} Euterpe, who just happened to be a half sister of his mother.  Of
} course, Larsus did not know this since his parentage had always been
} kept secret.  Also, when Larsus was younger, he was told by a seer
} that "the love of a sister would kill him."  Larsus did not know that
} Athena was his sister, but Athena was very good friends with Rondera
} (a very minor diety), and Larsus had been led to believe that
} Rondera's father, Tandera, was also his father.  Tandera would
} occasionally "play ball" with Hera, much to the embarrassment of
} Rondera.  But back to the story.  Athena dragged Larsus before Zeus to
} tell Zeus that they were going to get married.  Zeus, who had been
} trying to marry off Athena for years, gave his approval.  Of course,
} Zeus had long since forgotten who Larsus really was.  Larsus
} complained bitterly that he loved Euterpe instead.  As Larsus said
} this, Hera walked in and became very angry.  In terror Larsus cried
} out for aid from Tandera.  Tandera heard the call and came running.
} When Tandera entered the room and saw that Hera was furious, he kept
} quiet.  Rondera heard all of the commotion and came running also.
} Rondera decided to use this opportunity to get her father, and she
} told Zeus that Hera had been "doing the nasty" with Tandera.  At this,
} Zeus became very angry.  In terror Larsus cried out for aid from
} Euterpe.  When Euterpe entered the room, she lost all composure.  She
} told Hera about the true heritage of Larsus.  Hera turned on Zeus and
} demanded an explanation.  Zeus calmly explained that it was all
} Larsus's fault, and everybody believed him.  After all, Zeus is the
} top god for a reason.  Hera decided to kill Larsus by suspending him
} with a rope over a lake filled with hungry sharks.  The rope would
} slowly fray for a year until finally Larsus dropped into the lake.
} To make a long story short, Larsus tried to save himself by singing
} a very exciting song at the lake.  (My album has this song.)  The song
} encapsulated all of the drama and anguish that he had endured in his
} short life.  The lake became so excited that it boiled, and all
} of the sharks were killed.  At the moment, the rope broke and Larsus
} fell into the lake.  He was immediately turned into a tasty stew.  The
} moral of the story is "you can't bake your lake and meet it too."
}
} Now don't bother me with your silly Pink Floyd.


314-07    (44842 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: ames!f575.n141.z1.FIDONET.ORG!Michelangelo.Jones

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great and might oracle, who's droplets of come are like the
> ambrosia of the gods.  Please grace my unworthy ears with the answer to
> my greatest question:
>       What is the worst fate that possibly could befall John G.
> Doe [name changed -sk], Director of Information Network Services, and
> Net.Incompetant.Idiot.  Also, how may I further this lofty goal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Late Night with the Oracle presents:
} The Top Ten Horrible Fates that Could Befall John G. Doe:
}
} 10. Vinidictive women could write angry e-mail about him.
}  9. Someone could put a frozen trout at the bottom of one of his file
}     drawers.
}  8. Someone could find out his home address, and send in a subscription
}     request to "Lads 'n' Leather Monthly"
}  7. Someone could get ahold of a picture of him, and base a fake
}     'Lost Pet' sign around it.  You know, "Anyone with any information
}     concerning this lost toad 'Slimey', please call PetFinders
}     1-800-FINDPET for cash reward!" A lot of these signs could be
}     posted around campus.  A lot of people could start calling Doe
}     'Slimey' or whatever name got stuck on the poster.
}  6. Someone could sneak up to his terminal while he was away and could
}     then post to rec.humor and request that several copies of the
}     archive containing the canonical list of light bulb jokes be
}     e-mailed to him right away.
}  5. Someone could forge an interoffice memo along these lines:
}         To: staff
}        Many people have recently forgotten their computer
}        passwords.  As a result, much time of Information
}        Network Services personnel has been wasted.  To avoid
}        forgetting your password, change it to an easy to
}        remember English word, perhaps your name or the name
}        of your significant other.  In case you do forget, be
}        sure to tell a couple of friends what your password
}        is so they can remind you.  If you do not use your
}        account for one full week, we will assume that you have
}        forgotten your password and are too embarassed to ask
}        for help and will change your password to "susan"
}        If we all work together, Information Network Services
}        can be freed for our primary duties of filling out
}        budget increase request forms.
}                                         J.G. Doe,
}                                         Director of INS
}  4. He could somehow end up with his head stuck in a bucket of salsa, so
}     that his nose nerves got burned out.  Then he could get his tongue
}     caught in a pasta press.  Then he wouldn't be able to taste or smell
}     lentil soup ever, ever again.
}  3. Someone could put a zip-loc bag full of some illicit drug at the
}     bottom of one of his file drawers.  The next time one of your
}     friends gets caught for possession, have them claim they bought it
}     from Doe.
}  2. A love note, signed by Doe could end up on the desk of a
}     (preferably married) colleague. A similar note, signed by the
}     colleague, could end up on Doe's Desk. If both notes were sprayed
}     with some perfume, it would be a nice touch.
}  1. Someone could run out and get a copy of _RESearch#11:Pranks!_
}     (available at fine bookstores everywhere, or at RE/SEARCH 20 Romolo
}     St. #B San Francisco CA 94133) or - if Someone was really po'd -
}     _The_Anarchist's_ _Cookbook_ by Willaim Powell(See the Self
}     Improvement section of your bookstore or write to Barricade Books,
}     Inc. PO box 1401 Secaucus NJ 07096)
}     Someone could then try to put into effect just half of the horrible,
}     twisted acts described in these books. If Doe survived, his would
}     be a miserable life indeed. Just so long as Someone didn't get
}     caught. You didn't hear this from me.
}
} You owe the Oracle some electrical tape, a studfinder, a couple of swag
} lamps, and some fishing line.


314-08    (13765 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr Oracle,
>
>     This is to inform you that there has been filed against you in the
> Dweebville Municipal Court a paternity suit.
>     The plaintiff, a Ms Ophelia Legg, alleges that on or about the night
> of 26th June 1990 you did engage in unprotected sexual intercourse with
> her, and as result of such union Ms Legg was delivered on 20th April of
> this year of a 23-pound baby boy, whom she has named Oracle Junior. She
> is suing you for 300 tins of spaghetti and a cartload of potatoes a
> month.
>     Should you wish to contest this claim, we will be more than happy to
> represent you, for a nominal fee of 2.3 billion American dollars in the
> event of a sucessful outcome, and 12 apples otherwise. WE look forward
> to hearing from you.
>
> Yours sincerely,
>
>         F. Bastard
>         of Bastard, Bastard, Yuppie, Slater and Nazi, Attorneys at Law.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, thanks.  I was planning on representing myself.  It's generally not
} a good idea, but I think I can pull this one off without much help.
}
} -- Ms. Oracle


314-09    (26a22 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
> Why does some asshole incarnation out there feel we should insult you
> with long, meaningless, repititive grovelings that in the past were
> merly opitional Why do people find imposing their ideals on other
> people such a nescacary thing to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle sympathizes with you greatly, and hereby declares that you
} need never grovel before the Oracle or before anything else.
}
} The Oracle's reply is traditionally a thing of three parts.
}   1. A brief salutation
}   2. A cogent answer
}   3. A brief request for payment.
}
} In New Age/engineering terms,
} 1. is channeled from the Oracle in arrival.  The first word is written
}    when the first byte of the Oracle Transmission Packet (OTP0) is
}    registered in the channel's Cosmic Interface Buffer (CIB), and the
}    last word when the last packet (OTPL) is recieved.
} 2. is channeled from the Oracle in full glory and presence.
} 3. is channeled from the Oracle in departure, when the connection is
}    become tenuous.
}
} Now, this presumes that the simple computer geek is truly a simple
} computer geek.  With the opening of the Oracle to all of Usenet, many
} beings are chosen to channel the Oracle, and not all of them are simple
} computer geeks. Some are students -- well enough when they are
} engineering students, but some of them study mathematics, or physics,
} or biology.
}
} Indeed, some of them study psychology, or English, or others of the
} Black and Liberal Arts.  It was not for such that the Usenet Oracle was
} intended.  Yea, it should not be that they consult the Oracle; theirs
} instead is the dread Library, and they must seek and slave therein
} until they find the answers they desire.
}
} So, thus: when those who are not simple computer geeks do call upon the
} Oracle, the Oracular Law of Balance (SIGMA Ans = 0, where a question
} counts as a negative answer) requires them to answer a question in
} turn.  But they do not truly understand the spirit of the Oracle.  And
} their soul shouts outward into the Void, calling for the Oracle.  But
} the Oracle may not answer them, for the Oracle is truly only for simple
} computer geeks.
}
} And betimes, when they call and the Oracle answers not, they do channel
} some evil or foolish spirit of the Void unto them.  And these evil and
} foolish spirits to enjoy grovelling, wherefore does the Liberal Artist
} demand grovelling and threaten grave ills therefore.  Yea, and they
} usually answer the question wrong when -- they do remember to answer it
} at all.  For lo! the evil and foolish spirits which pretend to be the
} Oracle are evil and foolish, and one should not heed them, but
} retransmit your question to the One True Oracle, which, when it can
} find a computer geek to answer it, will answer it truly and honorably.
} And it shall neither demand grovelling, nor demand payment beyond your
} means and budget.
}
} The One True Oracle has exposed Cosmic Truth in New Age / engineering
} terms. You owe the One True Oracle fifteen trillion bottles of Creme de
} Cacao, a hundred snowy-white peacocks without a scrap of color on any
} of them, a space station in orbit around Neptune, and a cat which can
} drink milk without getting stinky afterwards.


314-10    (47920 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wonderful Oracle, who's magnificence I cannot even contemplate,
> please answer me this question:
>
> I submitted you a question and got an answer. I did not like this
> answer and so I asked you again. The second time I got a different
> answer. Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, mortal beseecher, I am the almighty, all knowing, all seeing
} Oracle.  I knew you wouldn't like the first answer I sent you but I was
} in a hurry.  (I was late for a golf engagement with Bob Hope, Iggy Pop,
} and Dan Quayle.  I'd been saving up some zingers to hit Danny-boy
} with to impress Bob and Iggy.  I was hoping to get a guest spot on
} Bob's next special or do guest vocals on Iggy's next album.  As it
} turned out Quayle and Hope never showed, so Iggy and I got drunk at the
} bar.) Anyway, I knew that there was only a small probability that you
} would have the gumption to ask the same question again.
}
} So, I was marginally surprised when you showed the unmitigated gall to
} ask the same question again.  So overwhelmed was I that I took the time
} to give an answer that I knew would satisfy you, and keep you from
} pestering me with your petty problems.
}
} Now, you have the audacity to ask me why I gave two different answers
} on two different occasions?  Listen,
} soon-to-be-food-for-carrion-eaters, you're really starting to bug me.
} I am the all powerful, all knowing Oracle.  I can solve world problems.
} I can feed the hungry.  I can tell you how to cure cancer, AIDS and
} acne!  I can teach white people to dance!
}
} Boy this irks me.  I ought to give you one, but good.  I ought to ruin
} your credit rating.  Then maybe I'll cause your genetalia to shrivel up
} like some dried fruit.  Then I'll permanently attach "Walkman" head-
} phones to your ears which will play nothing but Barry Manilow, Village
} People, and the theme from the old Bob Newhart show.  Then I'll tinker
} with birthdate on your driver's license so that you can *never* drink
} in bars.  Then, I'll .... ooohh wait....
}
} Damn.  You began your question with an approved amount of groveling.
} It would be a violation of Oracle's Rules of Conduct (OROC) to dole
} out punishment if you grovel.  Rats.  I was really going to give it to
} you, too.  Boy would you have been pissed.  (Iggy gave me some great
} ideas for new punishments when we were drinking that afternoon.  I
} forgot most of them, but...)  I would still like to since it would
} teach you an important lesson.  And I think you realize that now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better question next time... maybe an algebra word
} problem.  I'm good at those.


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