315-06 (11361 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <firstname.lastname@example.org>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> So there's this little problem here. You see, there's this company
> called CMS (I dunno what it stands for -- I always called it "Cannot
> Mean Seriously", like the IBM operating system). I ordered 73.1
> octagonal whine removers four weeks ago --- call their Ordering Stuff
> Department, ask for form, get form in mail, put lots of letters and
> numbers in all the little tiny boxes, put form in goldfish bowl with
> very large check, fill with lucite, send back to CMS. All the standard
> stuff. I always order my octagonal whine removers from CMS, never any
> So they write back and tell me that they have just decided that they
> are really an airline. They just got six planes, and the people who
> used to produce octagonal whine removers are now flying businessgeeks
> in grey flannel suits from Tampa to Sri Lanka and slinky expensive
> prostitutes in red nightgowns [probably not flannel, though you can't
> be sure without paying $150.21] from Nice to Kansas City, and they
> don't have time to send me my 73.1 octagonal whine removers. But the
> people in the Removing Checks From Lucite-Full Fishbowls Department are
> still there, even though they've branched out to include Removing
> Checks From Very Secure Safe Deposit Boxes, and they've decided to
> practice using my goldfish bowl just to make sure.
> So they've cashed my check, and given me coupons good for two hundred
> and eighty-one half-price plane tickets from Barcelona, Spain to Spare
> New Old New London, Australia, as long as I don't mind sitting next to
> a bunch of highly-trained Ukranian Consonant Pronouncers wearing green
> flannel armor.
> So here's the problems.
> 1) Why would I want to go from Barcelona to Spare New Old New London
> 281 times? All my Aussie friends are in New Auxiliary Old
> Alternate Old New London, and that's a long way away.
> 2) Where can I order more octagonal whine removers? Lots of demand
> for them around here, and the supplies are running kind of low.
> 3) Why are all those prostitutes flying to Kansas City?
} From the files of Internet Iggy:
} I was sitting in my office watching the roaches multiply when this
} funny looking business geek runs in. He opened the door so
} suddenly that two of the roaches divided. He starts spinning some
} wild yarn about octagonal whine removers, lucite fish bowls, Spare New
} Old New London, large checks, and slinky expensive prostitutes in red
} nightgowns. Those last two tidbits got my attention. I let him run
} down while I subtracted roaches from my coffee. I was trying to
} figure him out. Was he some street whacko without a penny, or was he
} some heavy dude with "unusual" business practices?
} Eventually he saw that I wasn't paying real close attention. He
} slapped the desk so hard that he added two roaches together. I gave
} him the usual polite crap about how I was deep in thought about his
} problem and then quoted my fee. His eyes opened wide and his mouth
} closed like a trap. You could tell by the color of his face that I
} had shot a little high. I told him that since he was one of my best
} customers, I would chop 30% off the top. He must have been hurting
} bad since he coughed up the dough right there. After slapping his
} back a few times, he left.
} All that day, two thoughts kept going through my head: large checks and
} expensive prostitutes. Somewhere, there was this company that had
} plenty of both, and I needed some. I flipped open the yellow pages.
} Some day I'm going to have to stop letting that damn dog into my
} office. Yeah, there it was. CMS stood for Corporate Murder Services.
} Now I understood how their whine removers worked. I called them up
} and ordered a plane ticket to Kansas City. They sent me
} back a contract to fill out. I got a roach to cosine for me.
} When I got on the plane, I saw a sight that few people should ever
} see. 200 identical prostitutes in red nightgowns were on the plane.
} Something was definitely up. I got real close to one of them and
} started to make friendly. She gave this look that could freeze the
} gonads off of a horse, but I'm a professional. Eventually, I got her
} to sing, but I had to break both of her legs. She told me about a
} secret Australian organization in Kansas City. These Aussies were
} originally from Spare New Old New London, but they were kicked out.
} At that point she passed out from the pain, the wimp, and I didn't get
} anything else out of her. I didn't get to talk to anyone else,
} because some gorilla in a stewardess outfit tossed me out of the
} plane. The bad part was that we were 30,000 feet in the air.
} On the way down, I had plenty of time for thought. Aussies...
} prostitutes... Kansas City... large checks... Spare New Old New
} London... octagonal whine removers... of course! It was so obvious
} that I punched myself for not seeing it before. There was only one
} possible explanation, only one reason that made any sense. I started
} to make a plan. Only one detail was missing, but it took me a second
} to remember what it was. Yeah, the ground. I was about to have a
} real personal experience with some beautiful Kansas countryside. No
} prob. I whipped out my best fountain pen and took off my jacket.
} Then I...
} STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK WHEN WE WILL CONTINUE THE EXCITING ADVENTURES
} OF INTERNET IGGY!