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Internet Oracularities #315

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315, 315-01, 315-02, 315-03, 315-04, 315-05, 315-06, 315-07, 315-08, 315-09, 315-10


Usenet Oracularities #315    (12 votes, 2.6 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 7 Jun 91 21:49:02 -0500

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315   12 votes 44121 12540 15141 16410 13710 11361 52320 32412 42240 35310
315   2.6 mean  2.3   3.0   2.9   2.4   2.7   3.4   2.2   2.8   2.5   2.2


315-01    (44121 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A cheeseburger, large fries, and an orange drink.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One cheeseburger, check.
} Orange drink, check.
}    \
}     \
}     _\
}     \
}      \
}      _\
}        \
}         *
} One large fried Supplicant, check.
}
} Next time, you'll remember to grovel.


315-02    (12540 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most very gracious and rash Oracle, master of all knapsacks, whose
> lousy spelling pretend to be sheriff, answer my humble question.  Which
> is worse, the unrestrained vengence of the Dogcatcher or the
> unrestrained lust of the The Shopping Mall Club?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn supplicants, when will they ever learn that I have better things
} to do with my time than settle these petty little arguments.
} Especially whenthey are invalid comparisons to begin with.  Although at
} least this time I am being asked to compare two emotions.  Jeez, I'll
} never forget that one question, 'Which is more powerful, two ants on
} LSD, or a box of Cheerios?'  Imagine asking me to compare insects to
} foodstuffs. (The ants are more powerful by the way, social insects are
} surprisingly high up on the evolutionary scale, while unsweetened
} breakfast cerials are quite low.)
}
} But I digress, the problem is actually quite trivial once you apply
} some simple logic.  watch and learn:
}
} If the vengeance of the dogcatcher is greater then:
}
}   vengeance / Dogcatcher - lust / ShoppingMallClub >=0 ?
}
} but, 'vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord', so:
}
}   Lord / Dogcatcher - lust / ShoppingMallClub >=0 ?
}
} and lust is a deadly sin, so:
}
}   Lord / Dogcatcher - sin / ShoppingMallClub >=0 ?
}
} now, assuming a non-trivial Lord, we get:
}
}   1 / Dogcatcher - ( sin / Lord ) / ShoppingMallClub >=0 ?
}
} but, by definition, the sin of the Lord is identically zero, so:
}
}   1 / Dogcatcher >= 0 ?
}
} however, dog : cat :: cat : mouse  (weren't those SAT/GRE's fun?)
} so:
}
}    1/ ((Cat**2/mouse)catcher) >= 0 ?  or  bringing the other cat
} inside, (must be a house cat)
}
}    (mouse * cher) / Cat**3 >=0 ?
}
} but there is only one Cher, so:
}
}     mouse / cat**3 >= 0 ?
}
} A futile exercise is a 'cat and mouse game' so:
}
}     cat-mouse=0
}
} substituting back in gives:
}
}     1/cat**2 >= 0 ?
}
} which is identically true for all cats.  So it follows that the
} vengeance of the dogcatcher is greater.


315-03    (15141 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, King of Computational Wisdom, Whose Answers Astound
> All Who See:
>       Tell me why after slaving for 4 years to get my double major in
> Math/CS I am unwilling to go into the real world?  I have this perverse
> desire to get a job at the university, to go staff, to STAY HERE.
> Surely this is unnatural!  The career services department tells me that
> I can make $35,000 a year at Microsoft, but my only desire is to work in
> the E-Systems lab forever.
>
> Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        Good question. let's just see what would happen in each case.
}
} oracle>telnet xstalball
}
} telnet version 23,000.01 diety-soft inc. copyright 3987bc
}
}        connecting to xstalball.levi.com(168.146.216.15)
}
}   entering input mode...    escape character is ^]
}
}    welcome to the xstallball!
}
}       ultra-diefied-unix ver 5.2 copyright 100ad ball-soft inc.
}
} login:oracle
} password:
}
} last login 1738ad from heaven.com
} no new mail
}
} oracle:search suplicant>programer>geek>lost-in-space
}
} 23479565389576 entries found.
}
} >I really should have used a slightly more specific search.
}
} oracle>search suplicant>programer>geek>thinking about microsoft
} 1 entry found
}
} >that's you
}
} oracle> read future microsoft job
}
}      subject will start employment at Microsoft inc. 1992
}      subject will write lots of "user friendly" software products the
}            most notable being DOORS a non-graphical environment. each
}            product will come with flashy marketing and lots of
}            documentation that would insult the inteligence of most
}            semi-sane 4 year old children.
}      subject meets Teri (smileyface over the i) Gabrenya. age 22.
}      xstalball fem rating: va va va voom.
}
}      subject promoted to VP 1994
}      subject promoted CEO 1995
}      subject sweeps board of directors, places self in charge of
}      everything 1996
} >this is where it gets good.
}
}      subject murders 6 human males, 2 horses, and one iguana after
}             coming home early and finding Teri ( :-) over the i) in
}             bed with same.
}      subject covers up crime with copious amounts of cash
}      subject found by Teri (smilyface i) in love nest with all of the
}             playmates of the month from 2004.
}      subject recieves gift of four rapidly moving lead projectiles
}      subject dies after 6 months as a total quadraplegic.
}      end of life june 15, 2005
}
} >eek let's see what happens the other way
}
} oracle> read future university job
}
}       subject employed at university
}       subject meets JANE DOE: STUDENT  xstalball fem rating:ralph.
}       blech. urp. end of life august 3, 2072
}
} oracle>logout
}
}       Well, you have a choice.
}
}        say hi to miss. November 2004 for me    YOW!
}
} you owe the oracle a copy of DOORS 3.0 for a 80986 pc.


315-04    (16410 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       I recently read about how missiles, and more recently
> submarines, use variations in local gravity for a navigation aid.  Is
> it possible for there to be 'gusts' of gravity, where local gravity
> changes by a small but measurable amount?
>
>               --From a concerned Juggler

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Gusts of gravity? Get real! There is no such thing (whooooah).  In
} fact I wouldn't be surprised if it was just a CIA propoganda story for
} making you believe that our missiles and submarines really work (my, my
} hand suddenly feals *much* heavier).  It has to be one of the silliest
} things I have ever heard (I am certain that paperweights should not be
} floating in mid-air), and I would, if I were a lowly mortal such as
} yourself , never trust anything I read in that magazine from now on
} (hmm, I can read my screen when I am upside-down and spinning around
} slowly).  A gravity "gust" is obviously a subliminal form of "Support
} the Republicans", make sure not to read too many of those articles or
} else (Trying to lift my head off of the desk) you will start doing
} that.  Anyway, if this were true, how could any weight-loss center ever
} make a decent profit, with all this gravity changing all the time
} (Yelps with pain as a feather, accelarated to a speed of mach 5, hits
} his hand) ? Hmmm? Think before you answer these questions!
}
} You owe the oracle a hydrolic car press and a Weightwatchers catalogue.


315-05    (13710 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendid and phoney Oracle, master of all sewers earthly and arcane,
> whose fishpond I am too fat to pinch, without whom the razor would be
> crisp, in whose presence Humbert Baby-Robot whimpers, do tell me this.
> Why do I get flamed whenever I post on talk.tcp-ip.mistress?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Zzzz. Zzzz. Zzzz-nuh?
}     Wha...? Who...? <click> Dammit, Michele, I told you to tell
} everyone I was in a meeting... Well, too late now, there's one
} standing right in front of me. <click>
}
}     Now just a minute while I find my glasses... It's getting so an
} Oracle can't spend a quiet hour after lunch without some mortal's
} request flitting right past the secretary. These temp services are NOT
} -- ah, here they are.
}     All right, let's see what we've got, shall we? Zumb zumb "sewer"?
}     Mm-hm. Zumb zumb zumb "razor"? Oh, yes, of course, you're the one
} with that thing about crisp razors. You really should talk to a
} specialist.
}     As for your question, it's such an easy one I could answer it in my
} sleep. Almost did, come to think of it. You get flamed on
} talk.tcp-ip.mistress because you insist on using real names.
}     Think about it for a moment. Suppose you post "I've been doing it
} with Mrs. Snuggly every Tuesday afternoon since last Whitsun." Let's
} look at the list of people you've just offended:
}     MR. SNUGGLY: He may not care to see his wife's name so casually
}                       tossed about on the net.
}     MRS. SNUGGLY: She won't want some of the more intimate details --
}                       especially about that little rabbit fantasy of
}                       hers -- to be made public knowledge.
}     OLD MA SNUGGLY: Family honor is very important to her, and if that
}                       slut her son married can't keep her gigolos quiet,
}                       well, maybe Ma has some ideas of her own.
}     JULIA ROBERTS: Keifer is just a front. She really wants you, big
}                       guy, but the way you parade your mistresses around
}                       is tearing her apart inside.
}     THE BOARDS OF DIRECTORS OF SERTA AND SEELEY: They're getting tired
}                       of reading about your personal life when you
}                       accidentally cross-post to talk.tcp-ip.matress.
}     ORACLE: Maybe I'm having a fling with Mrs. Snuggly, too. Or maybe
}                       she threw me over for some jerk she went on and
}                       on about who turns out to be you. And maybe I'll
}                       flame you on the network, or maybe I'll flame you
}                       on an open grill!
} This is of course a hypothetical example, but you get the idea. You
} never know who may be reading what you post, and how they might react.
}     The solution is to always use phony [note preferred spelling] names
} and someone else's sig.
}
}     You owe the Oracle a copy of your little black book and a 1991-92
} appointment calendar.


315-06    (11361 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So there's this little problem here.  You see, there's this company
> called CMS (I dunno what it stands for -- I always called it "Cannot
> Mean Seriously", like the IBM operating system).   I ordered 73.1
> octagonal whine removers four weeks ago --- call their Ordering Stuff
> Department, ask for form, get form in mail, put lots of letters and
> numbers in all the little tiny boxes, put form in goldfish bowl with
> very large check, fill with lucite, send back to CMS.  All the standard
> stuff.  I always order my octagonal whine removers from CMS, never any
> problem.
>
> So they write back and tell me that they have just decided that they
> are really an airline.  They just got six planes, and the people who
> used to produce octagonal whine removers are now flying businessgeeks
> in grey flannel suits from Tampa to Sri Lanka and slinky expensive
> prostitutes in red nightgowns [probably not flannel, though you can't
> be sure without paying $150.21] from Nice to Kansas City, and they
> don't have time to send me my 73.1 octagonal whine removers.  But the
> people in the Removing Checks From Lucite-Full Fishbowls Department are
> still there, even though they've branched out to include Removing
> Checks From Very Secure Safe Deposit Boxes, and they've decided to
> practice using my goldfish bowl just to make sure.
>
> So they've cashed my check, and given me coupons good for two hundred
> and eighty-one half-price plane tickets from Barcelona, Spain to Spare
> New Old New London, Australia, as long as I don't mind sitting next to
> a bunch of highly-trained Ukranian Consonant Pronouncers wearing green
> flannel armor.
>
> So here's the problems.
>
>   1) Why would I want to go from Barcelona to Spare New Old New London
>      281 times?  All my Aussie friends are in New Auxiliary Old
>      Alternate Old New London, and that's a long way away.
>
>   2) Where can I order more octagonal whine removers?  Lots of demand
>      for them around here, and the supplies are running kind of low.
>
>   3) Why are all those prostitutes flying to Kansas City?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the files of Internet Iggy:
}
} I was sitting in my office watching the roaches multiply when this
} funny looking business geek runs in.  He opened the door so
} suddenly that two of the roaches divided.  He starts spinning some
} wild yarn about octagonal whine removers, lucite fish bowls, Spare New
} Old New London, large checks, and slinky expensive prostitutes in red
} nightgowns.  Those last two tidbits got my attention.  I let him run
} down while I subtracted roaches from my coffee.  I was trying to
} figure him out.  Was he some street whacko without a penny, or was he
} some heavy dude with "unusual" business practices?
}
} Eventually he saw that I wasn't paying real close attention.  He
} slapped the desk so hard that he added two roaches together.  I gave
} him the usual polite crap about how I was deep in thought about his
} problem and then quoted my fee.  His eyes opened wide and his mouth
} closed like a trap.  You could tell by the color of his face that I
} had shot a little high.  I told him that since he was one of my best
} customers, I would chop 30% off the top.  He must have been hurting
} bad since he coughed up the dough right there.  After slapping his
} back a few times, he left.
}
} All that day, two thoughts kept going through my head: large checks and
} expensive prostitutes.  Somewhere, there was this company that had
} plenty of both, and I needed some.  I flipped open the yellow pages.
} Some day I'm going to have to stop letting that damn dog into my
} office.  Yeah, there it was.  CMS stood for Corporate Murder Services.
} Now I understood how their whine removers worked.  I called them up
} and ordered a plane ticket to Kansas City.  They sent me
} back a contract to fill out.  I got a roach to cosine for me.
}
} When I got on the plane, I saw a sight that few people should ever
} see.  200 identical prostitutes in red nightgowns were on the plane.
} Something was definitely up.  I got real close to one of them and
} started to make friendly.  She gave this look that could freeze the
} gonads off of a horse, but I'm a professional.  Eventually, I got her
} to sing, but I had to break both of her legs.  She told me about a
} secret Australian organization in Kansas City.  These Aussies were
} originally from Spare New Old New London, but they were kicked out.
} At that point she passed out from the pain, the wimp, and I didn't get
} anything else out of her.  I didn't get to talk to anyone else,
} because some gorilla in a stewardess outfit tossed me out of the
} plane.  The bad part was that we were 30,000 feet in the air.
}
} On the way down, I had plenty of time for thought.  Aussies...
} prostitutes... Kansas City... large checks... Spare New Old New
} London... octagonal whine removers...  of course!  It was so obvious
} that I punched myself for not seeing it before.  There was only one
} possible explanation, only one reason that made any sense.  I started
} to make a plan.  Only one detail was missing, but it took me a second
} to remember what it was.  Yeah, the ground.  I was about to have a
} real personal experience with some beautiful Kansas countryside.  No
} prob.  I whipped out my best fountain pen and took off my jacket.
} Then I...
}
} STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK WHEN WE WILL CONTINUE THE EXCITING ADVENTURES
} OF INTERNET IGGY!


315-07    (52320 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I ripped the rearsubframe out of a morning, would my car nice me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It will if it's newer than 1986, otherwise only if it's a Mercedes. In
} either case, the warranty on the morning would be void.


315-08    (32412 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my cat really as dumb as he looks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bring the cat over here, and let me look.  <scritch, scritch>  Let me
} see ... blue polka-dotted orange fur ... big pompom on end of tail ...
} three-foot-long floppy ears ... large red-and-green striped top hat,
} curving to the left.  Hmm.  Open your mouth, kitty, and say <mrawr>.
} Very good.  Now breathe deeply.  OK, now scratch under your chin.  Very
} good.
}
} What we have here is not, properly speaking, a "cat".  It is a drawing
} of a "Stambling Slern" by Dr. Seuss, which has been brought to
} three-dimensionality and life by necromantic rituals performed in the
} kindergarden of the Vanna White Memorial School.


315-09    (42240 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh massively great and male Oracle, whose knowledge is vaster than all
> those who dwell in Florida, whose omniscience wafts delightful scents
> to Sears, please grant me this morsel of your wisdom.  Which is worse,
> the unholy revenge of Smokey the Bear's ghost or the scatterbrained
> wrath of the People Who Used To Have Malaria?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Fade in.  A boxing ring.  In the center, standing a short but
} powerfully-built man in black pants and a striped shirt.  He is the
} Referee.  The sounds of a large and unruly crowd are continuous, though
} no one can be seen in the dark seats of the arena.]
}
} Bell: DING! DING!
}
} Referee: LAAAAAADIES ANNNND GENNNNNTLEMEN!  Tonight's feature fight is
} between...  In this corner, in the ranger hat, Smokey the Bear's Ghost!
}  He weighed in at 513 pounds, just before he checked out.  [Cheers]
} And in this corner, collectively weighing in at fourteen thousand nine
} hundred and seventy-six pounds, The People Who Used to Have Malaria!!
} [Cheers again... would you like a drink yourself?]  This fight will be
} twelve rounds, scored by our panel of celebrity judges.
}
} [Spotlight swings around to reveal Jerry Lewis, Roger Rabbit, J. Edgar
} Hoover, and Otto Messerschmidt.  Cheers.]
}
} Referee: Fighters return to your corners, and come out fighting at the
} bell.
}
} Bell: Ding!
}
} Referee: No, NO, NO!  Wait 'til I get outta the- OOF! ARGH!
}
} Smokey: STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP  ROOOOOOOAR!
}
} PwuthM: YABOO!
}
} Bell: Ding?
}
} [Cheers.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a round of drinks.


315-10    (35310 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendiferous and noble Oracle most well-hung, whose Donvysh I am
> not capable to paddle, greater than the gods themselves, cuter than the
> ants themselves, answer my wholesome query.  Does Jacques Cousteau have
> a famous lover?  (How more wholesome can you get?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ========================================================================
}                             COONFIDENTIAL
} ========================================================================
}
} Oracle Files: Eyes Only
}
} IOW: Dossier 65423-G3
}
} Subject: Cousteau, Jacques
} Inquiry: Oracle Clearance    /APPROVED/
}
} Text Follows:
} [Please Destroy This Document After Reading]
}
} Cousteau, Jacques
}
} Aliases:
}
} Wet Frenchie
} Wet Rider
} Deep Breather
} Dolphin Sucker
} [others not cleared for transmission]
}
} Jacques Cousteau, the "terror of the deep" is known for his wrinkled,
} fatherly face, penchant for fresh seafood, and collection of rubber
} outerwear.  Only recently has it come to the attention of Interpol
} and other international security agencies that this man is not the
} simple, kindly naturalist that he pretends to be on public television.
} In fact, sources divulge that this individual is known to have a
} passion for overtly sexual activities with all forms [stress: ALL] of
} marine life, including vegetation.
}
} National Security Agency operatives have filmed the Aquatic Cassanova
} in compromising situations with the following [partial list follows:]
}
}    *   Sea mammals, including dolphins and one killer whale
}    *   Sting rays
}    *   Antarctic penguins and 3 walruses
}    *   Mako shark
}
}    *   Numerous varieties of sea turtle
}    *   Anenomes
}    *   Starfish (color video shows the entire body surface covered with
}                   an estimated 380 starfish)
}    *   Sea Urchins
}    *   Sea cucumbers
}    *   Sea horses
}    *   Hydra
}    *   Octopus and squid (mixed)
}    *   Bathing (unclothed) in a vat containing estimated 3 x 10(20)
}          plankton
}
} Generally, activity occurs outside geopolitical boundaries, and is
} therefore not considered in violation of regional laws.  (Laws against
} Nature is another story, however)
}
} ************************************************************************
} ************************************************************************
} END TEXT:::
}
} The Oracle advises all sea creatures to be on the lookout for this
} Gallic masher, and to report any activities to the authorities.
}
} You owe the Oracle a kettle of fish.


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