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Internet Oracularities #316

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Usenet Oracularities #316    (18 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 13 Jun 91 12:35:42 -0500

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316   18 votes 55710 23850 06723 53811 15462 57222 22446 45612 20772 11466
316   3.0 mean  2.2   2.9   3.1   2.4   3.2   2.4   3.6   2.6   3.4   3.8


316-01    (55710 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    What are these flying saucers doing in my office circling my head?
> They are quite a nuisance and people are beginning to look at me funny.
> Why do they land on my carpet, leaving exhaust burns, then little
> people looking like Guy Kibby, only no more than an inch tall, get out
> and kick me in the ankle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} these saucers are an illusion of your mind manifested by your
} subconcious desire to possess your mothers china set. you associate the
} saucers with the underlying desires you had as a child while your
} mother was setting the table. as she would set the table you stare
} longingly at her china desiring to relieve your fetish for plates.
} later at night, when all were asleep, you would sneek downstairs and
} lay and roll in her china. finally, one day your uncle, who has a
} remarkable resemblance to guy kibby, caught you in the act, and to get
} your attention while you were preoccupied,he kicked you in the ankle.
} he never told yourfamily, to your relief,but he still demands to eat
} off of paper plates when ever he is over. this is the professional
} explanation for your delusions. i know that you are denying all this
} right now, but take note of your actions at the next meal and see if
} you are not handling your plate a little more than others around you.
} yes, it really happened!


316-02    (23850 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great and spiffy oracle,
>       who is spiffier than the great spiff himself,
>
>       What and why, and indeed who?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a second, you caught me unspiffed...
}
} There, that's better.
}
} Here, this will explain what, how, and indeed who, for whoever, or
} whatever, or whyever. (But, you should still be glad that I'm not YOUR
} Dad.)
}
} ODE TO THE AMOEBA   by Arthur Guiterman
}
} Recall from Time's abysmal chasm
} That piece of primal protoplasm
} The First Amoeba, strangely splendid,
} From whom we're all of us descended.
} That First Amoeba, weirdly clever,
} Exists today and shall forever,
} Because he reproduced by fission;
} He split himself, and each division
} And subdivision deemed it fitting
} To keep on splitting, splitting, splitting;
} So, whatsoe'er their billions be,
} All, all amoebas still are he.
} Zoologists discern his features
} In every sort of breathing creatures,
} Since all of every living species,
} No matter how their breed increases
} Or how their ranks have been recuited,
} From him alone were evoluted.
} King Solomom, the Queen of Sheba
} And Hoover sprang from that amoeba;
} Columbus, Shakespeare, Darwin, Shelly
} Derived from that same bit of jelly.
} So famed he is and well-connected,
} His statue ought to be erected,
} For you and I and William Beebe
} Are undeniably amoebae!


316-03    (06723 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: rutgers!ames!f575.n141.z1.FIDONET.ORG!Michelangelo.Jones

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                             This Question
>                             Intentionally
>                              Left Blank

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My first inclination was to chastise and punish you for not preceding
} your question with opulent entreating.  Then I realized that in order
} for you to have asked such a 'question', you must have at one time read
} an IBM manual.  This is far worse than any punishment I could dole out.
}
} As anyone who has had the torture of reading an IBM manual knows, they
} leave pages blank for spacing chapters, and there is always information
} on the opposite side of the leaf of the blank page.  I couldn't find
} the opposite side of the leaf in your question.  I tried looking at the
} other side of my monitor, but that looks like:
}
} MITSUBISHI San Dimas CA 98765
} Model: 007V
} Serial No.:
} Rating: 120V^60Hz 1A,6.02E23W
} Certified to comply with the limits of a Class B computing device
} pursuant to Subpart J of Part 15 of Chapter 12 Subsection G paragraph
} 12 Subparagraph D verse 55 of FCC Rules.  See instructions if
} interference to radio reception is suspected in the USA, if question
} reception interference is suspected in Delphi, or if prayer reception
} interference occurs in Valhalla.
} FCC ID: GKR7HMH3.14159       SA        UL
} Made in Mexico
} For repairs call 1-213-976-2HOT, ask for "Thumper".
}
} That doesn't look much like a question, either.   Hmmmmmm....., guess
} I'll just have to wing it.....
}
} This answer
} intentionally
} left justified.
}
} Nahhh... that's pretty lame.  If computers could reproduce Hebraic
} characters, I could do something like "This answer intentionally West
} Bank."
}
} Noooooo.... that's just plain dumb.  "This answer intentionally left
} handed."  Ummmmm.... "This answer intentionally left back."  Hmmm....
} "This answer intentionally left right."  "This answer intentionally
} left out."  No, no, no, no....
}
} I know.... This was inspired by an IBM manual.  Maybe it can be
} answered by an IBM computer.  This would be a perfect opportunity to
} use the new Olympus 7700 vectorizing supercomputer, installed just last
} week.
}
} CALL, DISPLAY, MODIFY:
} C O77
} Connected to Olympus 7700
} ENTER TERMINAL TYPE:
} vt100
}
} Welcome to the Beta-test version of the Olympus 7700 supercomputer.
} USERID: Oracle
} PASSWORD: xxxxxx
}
} FILES:   NO RDR,   NO PRT,   NO PUN
} LOGON AT 15:28:30 GWT TUESDAY 06/04/91
} VM/XA CMS 5.8 OS77 2/12/91 10:45
} DMSACP723I D (192) R/O
} Ready; T=0.00/0.002 15:28:49
} oanswer
} RUNNING...
} Oracle AI Automatic Answer System   --  Version 0.015
} Please enter question:
} ////This question/intentionally/left blank./
} RUNNING...
} Divide by zero... PSW 00140004
}  at entry PARSE_SELECT
} awaiting IPL
}   <Oh shit...>
} IPL CMS
} LOGON AT 15:30:58 GWT TUESDAY 06/04/91
} VM/XA CMS 5.8 OS77 2/12/91 10:45
} DMSACP723I D (193) R/O
} Ready; T=0.002/0.010 15:31:12
} oan
} MSG FROM OPERATOR: Please logoff.  Bringing system down in 1 minute due
}   to circuit burnout in vector processor.
}   <crap>
} log
} CONNECT= 00:04:02 VIRTCPU= 000:14.92 TOTCPU= 000:17.81
} LOGOFF AT 15:31:53 EDT TUESDAY 06/04/91
}
} Well... looks like that question fried the vector processor.  Sorry to
} have to do this, but my official reply must be:
}
} This question
} unintentionally
} left unanswered.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reasonably priced service contract with IBM.


316-04    (53811 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: rutgers!ames!f575.n141.z1.FIDONET.ORG!Michelangelo.Jones

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle--great and mighty
> I must call on your help for a time
> a have this small problem, you see:
> It involves my tendency to rhyme.
>
> Now rhyming alone 'aint so bad
> it can even make some people glad
>   but once I've begun
>   people leave at a run
> and make me feel quite sad!
>
> You see?  I can't even settle
> on the type of rhyme I write
> Limerick once, Vilanelle the next
> Yes, mine is a terrible plight!
>
> A pitiful person I am
> surely the worlds worst poet
> Oh!  This horrible addicti-an
> It even makes me
>   sometimes slip into free
>     verse!  Oh
>      mY gOd iT's HAPpEnING!#@$% e.e. cummings
>      lives!!!%@#%%$^#$%%#$^#$%^^
>
> Oh Oracle, please be a guide
> help me remove this terrible curse
> if you fail, it is suicide
> and a ride in the back of a hearse!!!
>
> The Pathetic Poet

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ever wonder what makes you rhyme?
} To speak with meter and talk in time?
} Well, HEY! Life is like an analogy,
} Not quite what you are but what you see.
}
} In any case you plight is clear
} Your heart does burn you soul does sear.
} To speak with words that seem to fit
} and lose your mind to that bottomless pit.
}
} The solution is simple to the Oracle, you twit.
} Speak the word that just won't fit!
}
} Orange is the word to speak you fool,
} Becareful just don't drool.
}    For if you did,
}    I think I'd bid.
} That your totally uncool.
}
} Okay that is it
} All my words, all my wit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a baseball mitt.


316-05    (15462 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You have been selected to win one of following:
>      -- $1,000,000,000 cash
>      -- a 1992 Cadillac Seville
>      -- $1000 cash
>      -- 52" Vinatron Color TV
>      -- $500 cash
>      -- an HP48SX with 512K RAM card
>      -- $250 cash
>      -- $100 cash
>      -- a new toaster
>      -- $1 cash
> No purchase is necessary.  Just send a tax deductable donation to:
>   Oracle Kids
>   PO BOX 23786
>   Atalnta, GA  30333

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Ah yes, another of these 'you may already be a winner' schemes.
} Of course, I HAVE been selected to win one of their fabulous prizes,
} so why not.
}
}     Dear Oracle kids,
}       Since you didn't say what kind of donation you wanted, I am
}     sending along a check for $10.  Please send me my prize
}     immediately.
}
} [Two weeks pass]
}
}     This   MR. ORACEL   , is your lucky day!  By sending along your
}     donation     MR. ORACEL   , you have won a brand new shiny 1992
}     Olsen toaster, the CADILLAC SEVILLE of toasters.  What's more
}     MR. ORACEL    , you are now eligible for our GRAND PRIZE drawing,
}     in which you are guaranteed to win one of the following:
}
}        -- $1,000,000,000 cash
}        -- a 1992 Cadillac Seville
}        -- $1000 cash
}        -- 52" Vinatron Color TV
}        -- a new toaster
}
}      MR. ORACEL    don't pass up your chance, just send a one time
}      processing fee of $50.00 to:
}
}      Oracle Kids
}      PO BOX 23786
}      Atlanta, GA  30333
}
} Wow, I won.  Granted, I don't like toast, but what the heck, a free
} toaster is a free toaster.  And I made the finals list.  Gosh, I have
} a chance to win a billion dollars too!  I had better send them off a
} check at once.
}
} [two weeks later]
}
}       If your name is    MR. ORACEL  and you live in   BLOOMINGTON,
}       INDIANA  You have won one of our grand prizes, and are in the
}       final drawing.  Enclosed you will find a brand new Olsen toaster,
}       the VINATRON COLOR TV of toasters.  What's more, you have a
}       chance at our ultimate grand prize drawing in which you could
}       win:
}
}        -- $1,000,000,000 cash
}        -- a new toaster
}
}        All you have to do is send us a check for $100 for the 'special
}        drawing fee' and you will be entered in our ULTIMATE GRAND PRIZE
}        DRAWING.  So don't delay    MR. ORACEL    of    BLOOMINGTON,
}        INDIANA    .  Enter today and win!!!!!!!!
}
} Great!  Another toaster.  This is really good, seeing as how the first
} one broke down when I plugged it in.  I mean it was my fault, I didn't
} see the 'not to be used in conjunction with bread' warning tag.  Well
} here goes my check.
}
} [two weeks later]
}
}          Atlanta (UPI)  Federal charges have been brought against
}     the Olsen toaster company of Atlanta, Georgia today in conjunction
}     with an alleged contest scam.  The company sent out thousands of
}     mailers promising prizes to people who would send in donations to
}     a local charity, Oracle Kids.  Oracle Kids, an actual charity
}     located in Indiana was completely unaware of the scheme.
}          The toaster manufacturers would send a prize, a worthless
}     toaster, to all the contestants who replied to their offer.  To
}     this group, they would send another 'prize certificate' and another
}     plea for money.  To the people that responded to this announcement,
}     the company sent another toaster and an offer at the 'Ultimate
}     Grand Prize.'  Police would have never discovered the scheme,
}     except for the fact that only one person entered the final drawing,
}     and due to a computer quirk, actually won the grand prize of one
}     billion dollars.  When the check failed to clear the bank,  the
}     'winner,' a Mr. Oracel of Bloomington, Indiana notified the
}     authorities.
}           Officials say that because Oracel entered the contest in
}     good faith, he will be awarded the grand prize, which will be
}     generated by liquidating the assets of the Olsen toaster company,
}     and all those persons who were involved in the scam, including
}     those individuals responsible for sending out the original contest
}     forms.


316-06    (57222 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  wishful thinker, O wise one, o'o
>
> WHY IS A BIRD IN HAND LIKE A QUAYLE BETTER THAN TWO IN THE BUSH?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This reverts back to the original story of the graden of Eden. The
} Bible's version is a big screwed up (i know, I was there...) So let me
} set your mind streight.....
}
} "And on the seventh day he created the shopping mall."
} "And on the eighth day he created the bush"
} "And on the nint*"
} "Hang on a sec, God," I said, "this creating stuff Is getting a biit
} much... I suggest you limit it to some number... umm.. lets say... ummm
} <counting toes> seven."
} "Well, gee Oracle... I dunno... I'm really into this creatiing stuff."
} "Looks like youre gonna haveta chop a bit off, tho.. Lump the Bush in
} with 'Trees' and forget about the mall.. such a bad idea." I suggested.
} "Okay fine, but what'll I do on the seventh day?"
} "Dont look at me... I'd just take a nap"
} "Oh what a good idea," said God, "I'll do that now."
} "Don't forget to do something about the bush first!"
} "Oh ya, right... (yawn) but I'm so tired.... well okay... <brings up a
} dos shell-cloud>
} [NOTE: See how *OLD* dos is? God really hated it, so on the
} 1,034,532,743rd day He created Steve Jobs, who made the mac and NeXT
} --God uses a NeXT now.] After mussing about in dos for a bit, and
} tearing out his beard a bit, he fell asleap. But God didn't do a very
} good job at dos (who can blame Him?), and totally screwed up the last
} little while... he copied BUSH.THG (THG=thing) overtop of QUAIL.BRD
} (BRD=bird... no, really??!) and the two merged, and that saying
} (started by the G-man Himself..) has been passed down from generation
} to generation.
}
} This took me a while to answer, so it's a rather large bill. You owe
} the oracle the following items:
} * Copy of "Complete manual for DOS users"
} * The 10 u-haul's to carry it in.
} * Copy of "The Handbook of Political Answers to Political Questions"
} * Three more toes.


316-07    (22446 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the correlation between solar sunspot activity and volcanoes
> errupting? What can I do to stop them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can stop them by summoning the Super Friends.  They can do
} anything!
}
} When criminals in this world appear and break the laws that they should
} fear, and frighten all who see or hear the cry goes up from far and
} near for
}
} UNDERDOG! Underdog! UNDERDOG!
}
} Speed of Lightning!   Roar of Thunder!
} Fighting all who Rob or Plunder!
} Underdog, UNDERDOG!
}
} Underdog is shown on channel 24, a paid-for-by-Christians station in
} St. Louis. My favorite part is the commercial they ALWAYS show right in
} the middle of it. It goes like this:
}
} They play the Ta, ta-da-da-da-DA, tuh, tu,tuh, of the Superfriends and
} a voice-over comes in saying:
}
} "There is a more powerful force for good in your life than Superman,
} Batman, Aquaman, and Wonder Woman COMBINED.  That force is God, Jesus
} Christ, and he can help you through your times of need."
}
} It always gets me because if the announcer didn't say COMBINED, all the
} kiddies would think, yeah, well maybe God can beat up any one of them,
} but if they all work together, if they all co-operate just like on
} Sesame street, then the Superfriends could take out God!  Yeah, we
} can see it now!  Superman is duking it out with Jesus, and losing
} because Jesus is God, after all, but then Batman catches Jesus in the
} back of the head with a Batarang, Aquaman commands the octopi, and
} Wonder Woman gets her Magic Lasso of Truth on him, and it's all over
} for God!
}
} WW:  "It's a good thing we stopped his plot, Superman, or else he might
} have taken over the world!"
}
} Superman:  "Yes, and we couldn't have done it without TEAMWORK.  It was
} your brilliant plan, Batman, for you, Aquaman, and I to dress up like
} the Three Wise men and arrive at this hut, on the anniversary of his
} birth, where we knew his greed for Frankincense and Myrrh would take
} him out of hiding."
}
} Batman:  "Thanks, Superman.  All in a day's work for the Superfriends!
} Now we have some Questions to ask him..."
}
} WW: "And now he has to give truthful answers, because he's under the
} influence of my Lasso of Truth!"
}
} Batman:  "Great.  So, tell us, God, can you make a rock so heavy that
} not even you can lift it?"
}
} Jesus: "No!  No, I'll never..  Oh no, I cannot resist, I have to tell
} the truth, If I made a rock so big that I couldn't lift it, then I
} would be the rock, which would be everywhere, and there wouldn't be
} anyplace to move it, so the concept of lifting it wouldn't exist, no,
} please, no more!"
}
} Batman (cracking his knuckles): "Oh, we've got plently more questions
} for you..."


316-08    (45612 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gracious and extremely thrilling and resiny Oracle, who has
> corrected us with his holiness, wiser than a whole bunch of dogs, cuter
> than a whole bunch of bloodhounds, without whom reality would be
> meaningless, answer my receptive question.  I just woke up here in
> Egypt wearing only sea green thigh pads. What happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sea-green thigh pads?  Sounds like Loki's work.
} Hmm, Egypt's a little far from his usual stomping grounds,
} though.  Hang on a sec...
}
} (Now, where did I put that phone book?  Ah.  OW!  Gotta get
} this place cleaned up sometime.  L... L... Lazarus... Loki. Mm-hm.)
}
} <BEEP BIP BOOP BIP BOOP BEEP BOOP>
}
} <Hi.  This is Loki.  I'm on vacation right now, picking up one serious
} tan in the Nile Valley and enjoying the floods.  Leave a message at the
} sound of the Gjallarhorn, and I might get back to you.  But don't count
} on it; I'm generally pretty irresponsible about that kind of thing.>
}
} <Ta - RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!>
}
} Hey, Loke, it's Ory.  Just checking up for one of my supplicants.
} You know how they are.  Anyhow, hope you're having a good time.  Say hi
} to Set for me, and I hope you'll have pix to bore me with when you get
} back.
}
} <click>
}
} Well, there it is.  Loki was having a bit of fun on his vacation,
} that's all.  Nothing to worry about unless you're allergic to
} mistletoe or something.  Enjoy the pyramids.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Rolodex.


316-09    (20772 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh massively foinging and Scandinavian Oracle, who has wisdomified us
> with his knowledge, do tell me this.
>   Why did my ant infiltrate the FBI?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, ah say, well boy, the psy-chology of an ant is a most muddled
} thing, a perplexer of the perceptive, if you follow what ah'm sayin'
}
} Now an ant, what it wants to do is stay, ah say stay in shadows.  So
} the last thing your ant would want to do is join th' army.  Then, you
} see then it would be a Gee Eye ant.  Not exactly un-ob-strew-sive, if
} you catch mah meanin'.  Hawh.  That's GIant, son.  Hawh.  That's a
} _joke_ son!  Get it? Giant?  (Nice boy but he's about as bright as
} soot...)
}
} Now I don't happen to personally ac-quainted with the particular, ah
} say, specific ant in question, -now _pay_attention_ boy!- but ah think
} it's *fzzt*
}
} We interrupt this impression to bring you the answer to your question.
}
} *fzzt*
}
} Ants, as you no doubt know, have a variety of ways of figuring out
} where to go next.  Quite often, the best place to go is where another
} ant has found food.  So when one ant finds some food, it'll leave
} a chemical trail back to where it found it.  Any other ants that come
} along will follow the trail.  The FBI works with a lot of strange
} chemicals. It shouldn't surprise you that at one point, Lieutenant
} Drapofpski was taking some Ant-Found-Food-Trail-Serum back to base in a
} leaky bottle and *fzzt*
}
} How, ah say, how can you expect to hear anything ah'm sayin' if you go
} listening to that Oracle, boy?  Now your ant was about three bits short
} of a longword, if you catch my drift.  Not to swift in the head.  And
} somewhere along the line it had got the notion into its min-i-skewl
} head that the ah in FBI stood for insect-negation.  Well, it wasn't
} going to stand, ah say stand for letting such go on in its town.  So it
} said goodbye *fzzt*
}
} We now return you to your regularly scheduled answer, already in
} progress
}
} *fzzt*
}
} A "burro" is an ass.  A "burrow" is a hole in the ground.  You are
} expected to know the difference.  What do you mean that wasn't your
} question?  Aren't you Lt. Melvin Drapofpski?  Well, who the hell _are_
} you then?  I don't *fzzt*
}
} This is a test of the emergency answer system.  Do not adjust your set.
} Lie down on the floor and remain calm.  Oops.  Simon didn't say!
} *fzzt*
} rePatentlyFalsePeriodStopIfAnyInsectsHadManagedToWorkTheirWayIntoTheDARP
} ANETThroughFBIComputersWeWouldHaveLongSinceDiscoveredInterferenceComingU
} pOnTheNetAndNegatedItWithOurSophisticatedDebuggersPeriodStopThisJustInCo
} lonTheOwlsAreNo*fzzt*
}
} Your ant wanted to confirm the rumors that FBI agents eat a lot of pie.
} Since ants are partial to pie, your ant figured that there would be
} some mighty good pickings if it could only make its way past the
} admittedly secure *fzzt*
}
} Listen, ah say, listen son.  Y'all can't expect me to answer your query
} if you allow your self to get snatched, ah say, spirited away every
} time *fzzt*
}
} result, your ant spent many happy hours in the company of the agents.
} It didn't think of its activities so much as infiltrating as
} socializing.
}
} You owe the Oracle better sound effects.


316-10    (11466 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Sublime and non-pusilanimous Oracle,
>       Please answer your lowly supplicants
>       query, and enlighten my small and solitary
>       mind,
>
>       I missed the health education classes
>       at school. So tell me, dear Oracle,
>       where do workstations come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Er, well, see, uhm, sometimes when two computers want to uhm, you
} see... Sometimes when two machines really love each other, they'll
} arrange... Okay, there's this thing called networking, and it, well,
} uhm... And then the technician comes along, but instead of gathering
} pollen... (Gulp) and so you've got these two machines, and this
} ethernet cable, so...
}
} Oh, it's all too sordid.  Go ask your mother.


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