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19 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:54:33 GMT

Internet Oracularities #317

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317, 317-01, 317-02, 317-03, 317-04, 317-05, 317-06, 317-07, 317-08, 317-09, 317-10


Usenet Oracularities #317    (23 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 17 Jun 91 21:16:35 -0500

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317   23 votes 07646 22892 39920 36842 43844 43754 26c21 59801 1246a 37724
317   3.0 mean  3.4   3.3   2.4   2.8   3.0   3.1   2.7   2.3   4.0   2.9


317-01    (07646 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great and wise oracle bestow your knowledge on me:
>
> what do females find most attractive in men???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O admirably practical-minded supplicant, your question is a little
} broad; a mare finds light weight most attractive in a man; a hen is
} partial to a man with a really big sack of chicken feed; a female
} mosquito is attracted to a man with plenty of exposed skin, as is a
} female leech; a Labrador retriever bitch is highly attracted to a man
} who can routinely hit flying mallards with a shotgun; a female cat
} likes a man with a fish.
}
} If you meant "women",  what a woman finds most attractive in a man is
} his ability to concentrate, on her, on cue, to exclusion of all else,
} and especially to the exclusion of other women; however, this intense
} focus must be maintained only when it is convenient to the woman,
} otherwise the man possessing it is not allowing her enough space.
}
} Hope this helps.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Swiss passport.


317-02    (22892 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       How many licks does it take to get to the center of the
> Statue of Liberty?
>                                                       Ug.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you are no doubt aware, the Statue of Liberty is hollow.  Thus, if
} you ride up the elevator, you can 'get to the center' with no licks
} whatsoever.
}
} This incarnation of the Oracle doesn't believe in cop-out answers,
} though. Even dealing with querents who go by the handle of Ug.  I
} assume that means that you're an undergraduate, but maybe that's just a
} prejudice that comes from dealing with a few hundred too many
} net.weenies.  Anyhow...
}
} JR: This is Jerry Rivers reporting to you from the crown of the Statue
}     of Liberty.  With me now is Doctor Ling from the People's
}     Munificient Republic of China.
} ML: Rowr?  Grorg.  Mmf.
} JR: Dr. Miu Ling has made the greatest contribution to science possible:
}     he's had his tongue amputated for science.  He's given up any
}     opportunity to become a sleazoid TV journalist so that he could
}     develop this interesting device.  Why don't you tell us about it,
}     doctor?
} ML: Bkf R Dnt Hf r tnng
} JR: Well, Dr. Ling isn't too clear, but I gather that this is some sort
}     of boring device that...
} ML: Rurg!
} JR: Er - the device is very interesting.  Its purpose is to bore - in
}     the sense to penetrate.  The interesting thing about this device is
}     that it does so using a tongue.  Dr. Ling's tongue, hooked up to
}     this rotary motor, right?  The purpose of the device was to figure
}     out how many licks it would take to get to the center of the Statue
}     of Liberty.
} ML: Tur mmph drur mg sm rburb.
} JR: Thank you, doctor.  Now, initial estimates found that this process
}     would take a normal human about 200 years to do this.  Dr. Ling's
}     device allows for 10 licks to a normal human's one.  That's why he
}     refers to his device as the tongues-ten drill bit.
} ML: Grurg.
} JR: Like the doctor says, we're on the Statue's Crown, and so it makes
}     sense that our jokes will go over viewer's heads. Any how, let's
}     turn this thing on.
} FX: click.  slurp.  slurp.
}     slurp.slurpslurplupluplupluplupluplupluplup... COP Hey, do you boys
}     have a license to use that disgusting thing on this great symbol of
}     our prominent nation?
} JR: Doctor, do you have a licker license?
} ML: Rurg.
} COP Doesn't he talk?
} JR: He's from the People's Munificient Republic of China. He thinks
}     you're trying to interview him and he wants to be paid. People from
}     the PMRC don't believe in free speech.  Perhaps if you were to make
}     a small dona...
} COP Listen.  I don't want that _thing_ anywhere near the statue.  It's
}     totally gross.  Who knows what sorts of bugs live on it?
} ML: Mmf.
} JR: He says the drill is impervious to vermin and parisites.  As he puts
}     it, it takes a tick-ing and keeps on licking.
} COP: You can't talk to me like that!  I'm taking you in!
} JR: Can't handle a simple tongue-lashing?
} COP: I'll lash YOU, why I ought to...
}
} 47,342,543 licks, give or take 50% depending on the tongue used.  Only
} 3 licks if the tongue belongs to Dr. Blasphemy, but unless you read
} the wrong comics, you're not too likely to know what I mean...
}
} You owe the Oracle some taste-buds attuned not to 'saltiness' or
} 'sweetness' but to 'lentil-soup-ness'


317-03    (39920 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you ever picked up a rubberband? Have you ever spoken swedish to
> a cat, only to get no answer? Have you ever smiled at a pencil because
> the ink was not your toilet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} /yes/no/no//incomprehensible question:
}
} ATTENTION:
} Your request for information from "The Oracle" has been denied due to:
}
}       1) Psychotic non-syntactic query
}       2) Brain Scan
}       3) Vernacular:  "Say what?"
}
} Please dial your attendant.
} Please dial your attendant.
} Please dial your attendant.
}
} Avagardro's Number is 6.03 x 10 (23).  This is a "mole"   Pass it on.


317-04    (36842 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who makes the fearsome alley oop only worthy of
> lowercase spelling in Your Might, take pity upon this poor supplicant
> and enlighten his shaded mind.
>
> i took this correspondence course through soldier of fortune magazine,
> see, and it taught me how to (in theory, anyway) become a professional
> uuuhh, (gulp) hitman.  anyhow, i put my ad in the jobs wanted listing
> of the classified ads.  to make it easy for people to get ahold of me,
> well, the ad looked like this:
>
> ------
> is there someone getting on your nerves?  let me kill them
> for you.  call <my real name was here> at <my real phone number was
> here> or drop me a line at <my real address was here>
> -----
>
> anyhow, i am sending this from jail.  i got two calls.  the first was
> for a job, the second was from the fbi.  i managed to complete my first
> job before the g-men caught me.  anyhow, the question i wanted to ask
> was do you know some way of attatching soap to some cord so i wont
> accidentally drop it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see they have been abusing you in prison, and you have resorted to
} W.C. Field imitations to confuddle them:
}
}   Attatcha-Attachez-Attachah! Don't bothah me boy!
}
} I wouldn't recommend doing this; the last thing you want to remind
} these boys of is a great, smooth, pink, soft hawg, and believe me, I
} once modified Drew McDermott's non-monotonic logic system to emulate
} control of a hawg farm driven by an expert system. Actually, all it
} ever said was, "Drew, you ain't got the brains god give a dern dawg.
} An' Rupert, you ain't no brighter than a damn hawg. Ah' tole him to go
} off to the tropical paridise, to the Mellifluous Isles, where fish are
} two fer a penny and women two fer a fish, but no, y'all had to go to
} MIT just fer that dagnab electron spin microscopy. Ain't got the sense
} gawd give a hawg, dang it!" So, the system didn't actually emulate a
} hawg farm so much as a hawg *farmer*, but what the hell, we always
} expect superhuman performance from AI systems. In order to learn
} something, you have to have almost forgotten it already. Planning in
} the presence of uncertainty is too complex to be practical and
} planning in the place of complexity is too uncertain to be meaningful.
}
} Your soap probelm is a special case of what in robotics is called the
} "peg in hole" problem---except that in your case, you actually want to
} avoid, er, solving this problem, since, er, (how do I put this?) you
} aren't the peg (there). Every wonder why robotics guys work on the
} "peg in hole problem"? And "compliant motion?" and "vibratory devices
} to facilitate mating operations"? Well, the reason is they're all
} ex-cons too. MIT tried to write a "Drop the soap" proposal to the NSF,
} but found that rephrasing the abstract in terms of the "science base"
} (now, can't you *Just Imagine* what that was before?) was a lot more
} conducive to funding--despite the fact that, as we all know for
} certain, most NSF directors just *love* to play drop-the-soap, every
} chance they get.  So, next time you drop the soap and those mean old
} boys start up with that generalized damper crap and that compliant
} motion stuff, just take a leaf from NSF's book: don't "Just Say No",
} say "I'm sorry, but you'll have to talk with the cognizant budget
} official; retroactive entry is only permissible after filing in
} accordance with 24-56-12-stroke-B in the Drug-Free Workplace Act
} Program Office Secretary's Director's Secretary Staff Placement
} Office." Or is it the Free-Drug Workplace Act? Ooh, I love it when you
} say "Stroke B".  Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish
} everybody did?


317-05    (43844 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, seer of The Big Picture, please tell me this:
>
> Is there any reason I should not give A's to all of my students?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, this is a tricky question, because it depends a great deal
} on your situation.  I shall try to answer it for you and cover
} as many combinations as possible.
}
} If your students are pre-high school:  Sure. Who cares, and what
} difference will it make ten years from now.
}
} If your students are in high-school:  Probably not.  They might
} actually think they they are learning something.
}
} If your students are in college:
}
} Are they undergrads?  If so, this depends on your status as to what
} you can do.
}
} If they are undergrads then:
}
} A) if you are a Grad Student:  Flunk them all, after all, you are
} suffering, why not make them suffer too.  Besides, they'll thank
} you for it later.
}
} B) if you are a professor, but don't have tenure:  Sure, give them
} all A's.  You need the good teacher evaluations.
}
} C) if you have tenure:  Flunk them all.  After all, you've earned the
} right, plus you're only countering all those A's you gave out before
} you got tenure.
}
} If they are Grad Students:  Flunk them all.  They are obviously not
} suffering enough.
}
} Remember, better to be over-conservative than to be sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle one ticket to the Kennedy compound for spring
} break.


317-06    (43754 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose words brought the fall of communism, tell me:
> Why is it that you often seem to give different types of answers.
> Sometimes you seem to be Unix literate, other times you seem to prefer
> VMS.  Are you by any chance schitzophrenic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Am I schitzophrenic?  I am the Zip Hitch Censor!  I have the Zinc
} Cherish Pot!  My Chert Hop is Zinc!  My Chest is Hip Or Zinc!  I have
} the Chic Thrips Zone. Hi, Zest Corn Chip!  Christ, Pinch Zoe!  Chronic
} spitz, eh?  It Cost Her Inch Zip!


317-07    (26c21 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy, most gracious oracle, who is really cool and neat and nice and
> kind and all sorts of good gushy stuff! Tell me, please, what's the
> percentage in being the Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was a dark and stormy night. A crack of lightning lit the sky.
} The pirate ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless
} crew, our heroes would get away clean into the night.
}
} "Resistance is useless!" laughed the captain evilly.
}
} "Oh John!" she said.
}
} "Marsha!" he said.
}
} "Oh John!" she said. "I'm not Marsha, I'm Jane."
}
} "Sorry, Jane. Go on, save yourself!" he said.
}
} "No, you go - leave me!" she said.
}
} "Go! I'll fend them off. It's your only chance!" he said.
}
} "Wait, I've got it," said the captain, "why don't neither of you
} go, thus fending us off, thus allowing each of the other of you to go,
} so that you can both go."
}
} "Aye, I'll go, if you're looking for volunteers!" said the first mate.
} "I've alwayed enjoyed allowing totally random strangers to
} gratuitously sacrifice their lives for absolutely no reason fending
} people off so that I can get away clean by swimming to shore from
} some unknown point deep in the Atlantic."
}
} "No, no, no. Stay here, and make sure HE doesn't leave!" said the
} captain.
}
}          Suddenly, a voice cried out:
}          "What's the percentage in being the Oracle?"
}
}          Is this a trick question? I'm 99 and 44/100 % pure Oracle,
}          plus 56%% Ed McMahon. Be quiet and pass the popcorn.
}
} "No, that's not it," he said, "why don't we fend off each other,
} sacrificing ourselves so that you can go! Go! Leave us! We'll fend
} each other off. It's your only chance!"
}
} "I'll go, but I'll never forget you and your noble sacrifice! Goodbye
} my beloveds!" said the captain, jumping overboard.
}
} And they rode off into the sunset, to live happily forever after. The
} end.
}
} And now for something completely ethernet.


317-08    (59801 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Orson. Come in Orson. Mork calling Orson. Come in your blimp ship.
>   <hmmm, I guess ol' Laser breath is out of his mind right now>
>
> % mail oracle@ork.egg.et < weekly.rpt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      hmm, why am I getting this alien's mail, that really ticks me off
} when people send to the wrong adress.
}
} oh well.
}
} forward orson@ork.egg.et
}
} and while I'm at it... oh darn where's my lightning bolt generator...
}
} ahh, found it!
}
}     KAZAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!
}
} sorry Mork, your show is cancled. at least you can still go into
} syndication.


317-09    (1246a dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh scholar eating and uncomplicated Oracle, whose sexiness fills the
> xeroxing void of computer nerds' lives as the light bulbs do brighten
> the night sky, whose inkwell I am too prodigal to imprison, whose
> shoulder I am not worthy to babysit, whose ribses are like unto
> infinite foibles, grant me this morsel of your omniscience.
>
>   What is "it"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At long last!!!!   The question has been asked, the chosen one has
} arrived!!!  The prophesy is fulfilled, I am free to be one with the
} universe!!!  This is fabulous!! Great!  Yeah!  I bet you are wondering
} what the hell I am talking about, right?  Well, it all started a long
} time ago...
}
} [Please crank the vertical hold on your monitor, to simulate a
} flashback effect]
}
} A solitary man rides his grey horse through the mountains, approaching
} Mount Olympus, home of the gods.  Suddenly, a voice calls out.
}
} "Who are you to approach the home of the Gods"
}
} But the man remained unafraid.  "Who's asking?" he sneered.
}
} "I am Nikkon, God of pictures, and protector of the Olympus Infinity.
} No man may pass, without undertaking some task for me."
}
} "Big deal, so whaddya want me to do, mow your lawn or something?"
}
} "No, that is a task that I leave for my son, Cannon.  Yours is a
} different destiny.  I shall give you absolute knowledge, and..."
}
} "Cool!"
}
} "...Shut up, I'm not done yet."
}
} "Sorry"
}
} "Anyway, and you shall use that knowledge to answer all questions
} posed to you throughout time, until you are asked the one question
} to free you from your task."
}
} "Well, what is it?"
}
} "Hmmm, yeah, that sounds like a good one.  Sure, you shall remain at
} your post until you are asked the question: 'what is it'."
}
} "So what happens then?"
}
} "Hmmm, I haven't though too much about that either.  Well, let's say
} that when you are asked that question, the person who asks it is forced
} to take over your task, and you are free to roam the cosmos."
}
} "I like it, it shows a touch of panache."
}
} "So tell puny one, what is your name, that shall come to symbolize
} knowledge throughout time and space"
}
} "I am known as J. Danforth Quayle."
}
} "Hmmm, no, that won't do, nobody will take you seriously at all.  We'll
} have to give you a new name.  How about 'Fred'?"
}
} "No."
}
} "Bruce?"
}
} "No."
}
} "Big Eddie?"
}
} "No, I have a cousin named 'Big Eddie.'"
}
} "Well, then, I guess you shall be known as 'The Oracle' until we
} can come up with something good."
}
} "Ugh, that's worse that 'Bruce'."
}
} "Well, tough luck."
}
} "So when do I start?"
}
} "Right now, you can open up a little shop in Delphi.  Remember to
} give clear concise answers now."
}
} "Yeah, yeah, whatever."
}
} [Adjust your vertical hold to do the back-to-the-present effect]
}
} So you see, I am now free of my onus so that...No, no, 'onus, ONUS'
} get your mind out of the gutter.  Anyway, I am free, and you must
} answer all the stupid questions from these obnoxious supplicants
} until you are asked the question, um, let me think up a good one.
}
} Ah, got it.  You must remain the Oracle, until you are asked the
} question, 'Where are my car keys?'
}
} <Bzapppht>
}
} There, now you know everything, good luck.  If you need anything, I'll
} be in Daytona Beach, working on my tan.  Oh by the way, now that you
} know the answer to 'What is "it"', it's pretty stupid, huh?  Oh well,
} catch you later. Hmm, now where are my car keys?


317-10    (37724 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle whose mind sees beyond the limits of mere
> mortal men. Who's life is so full of excitement that all of the 007
> movies pale in comparason. Who's knowledge of all things real and
> sublime surpasses even the Great and Holy Encyclopaedia Britannica.
> Who's insight is so deep that it takes scores of scholars years of
> work to figure out the most basic intonements of cosmic angst
> intertwined with the absolutely purifying thoughts of advanced advice.
> Who's station in the universe is such that I tremble at the mere
> thought of possibly offering up a question to your vast awareness.
> Who's verbal word power is enough to set my thighs afire with passion!
> Who's ancedotes throw my lithe female body into torrents of orgasmic
> bliss!
>
> Mighty Oracle I MUST KNOW WHY.....uh....(*blush*)....
>
>                       ...sorry. I forgot what my question was.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's, uh, quite all right, sweetheart. Why don't you just stop by my
} place after work and we'll see if I can jiggle -- er, jog your memory.
} Maybe you're just too tense.


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