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Internet Oracularities #319

Goto:
319, 319-01, 319-02, 319-03, 319-04, 319-05, 319-06, 319-07, 319-08, 319-09, 319-10


Usenet Oracularities #319    (17 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 26 Jun 91 19:15:39 -0500

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319   17 votes 36521 22742 25541 23633 05453 11843 67211 24920 36701 16541
319   2.8 mean  2.5   3.1   2.8   3.1   3.4   3.4   2.1   2.6   2.4   2.9


319-01    (36521 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendiferous and salvageable Oracle, she who whines all, I abase
> myself before your jovial altar.  How come you think that anyone who
> would drink milk with snails doesn't have enough brains to eat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle listens, my child, and has deigned to give you your answer..
}
} but first, a few short messages...
}
}         Hahhh-hahhh.  Hi!  I'm Peewee Herman on behalf of National
} Unknown Mentally Borderline Slightly Kracked Ugly Losers, Ltd.  Maybe
} you know someone who is losing wieght rapidly, or who has difficulty
} raising a fork to the correct orifice, or who simply couldn't outhink a
} paranoid boll weevil with Alzheimer's.  We..er, uh, "they" need your
} help now.  Please dig down deep and give, so that they can dig in.
}                                 Thank you. La-lalala!
}
}         "Oh, dear. Beaver!! Drop those snails and come in the house
} this minute!"
}         "Gee, Oracle. What's wrong?" said the Beav, furrowing his brow
} in concern.  "It's not like like they was dirty or nothin'.  I cleaned
} 'em with milk like those Paris guys Lumpy was telling me about."
}         "What in the world does Paris have to do with snails?"
}         "Well, Lumpy was tellin' me that over there, they got these
} Paris guys, and they take snails and swish 'em around in milk and other
} stuff.  Then they boil 'em with spices and eat 'em."
}         "Oh, Beaver!  Stop that, you're making me ill!  Now march right
} on up to your room and don't come down until you've decided to stop
} these childish games."
}
} Perhaps enough has been said.
}
} You owe the oracle a plate of escargot and an American Airlines barf
} bag.


319-02    (22742 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I asking this bloody stupid question ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Post-hypnotic suggestion.  Remember that peculiar man you met at that
} party last weekend, the one with the long, black cloak and the
} remarkable eyes? Remember how the two of you had that long talk on the
} back porch, after you insisted that hypnotism was all nonsense?
} Remember how he gave you three hypnotic commands?  The first was
} triggered this morning; do you realize you came to work today wearing
} no underwear?  The second required you to ask the Oracle "Why am I
} asking this bloody stupid question?"  The third is still awaiting the
} proper trigger, but believe you me, it's a doozy!
}
} When you hear the beep, you will delete and expunge this message, and
} forget this explanation entirely.
} ^G
}
} Maybe you were just bored?
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of tomorrow's local newspaper.


319-03    (25541 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bored.  Bored.  Bored.  Is there anything interesting to do in the
> world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle knows what you mean.  You get so bored that you have the
} chutspa to send a question to the Oracle without bothering to grovel
} *at all*!
}
} But not to worry.  The Oracle is feeling magnanimous today, and He'll
} be glad to answer your question: in truth, there is nothing interesting
} to do in the world.  Well, there is.  But not for you.  Clearly there
} is only one thing to do: send you to another world!  Tell our lucky
} supplicant what he's one, Don!
}
} <Don Pardo voice ON>
} Congradulations!  You've won an all-expenses-paid trip to the alternate
} reality of our choice!  Yes, that's right -- you'll be dodging weird
} natives, subtley altered customs, and wondering which weirdnesses are
} due to diverging time lines, and which are due to just plain weirdness.
}
} But wait -- there's more!  Not only do you get a free trip to a
} divergent reality, you get a mystery as well!  You can't return to your
} original reality until you guess the point of divergence (to the
} nearest second will due), and appease the Oracle.
}
} <Normal Oracle voice ON>
} Well, enjoy!  The Oracle trusts you won't be bored any more.


319-04    (23633 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello!
>
> Can you please help me?
>
> I am located in Buenos Fwiggies, Palamalalala, and it is very difficult
> to locate a company in the United States.
>
> The company I am looking for is something like "Facking...   "
> something. They are located in California. The product them sell (in
> which I am interested in) is "The Money Machine". It is a voice mail
> system, based on a board inside a PC.  Which is why it is called "The
> Money Machine," because it is for to make them much of money of the
> selling of it.
>
> I will appreciate your help, but not very much
>
> Regards,
>
> Manuel Mgklvsuoiey

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Mgklvsuoiey,
}
} Thank you for your interest in the newest product from Facking
} Something, Incorporated, "The Money Machine."  Your inquiry was passed
} along to us by our mutual friend, Mr. The Oracle.  We are sure that the
} enclosed information will lead you to the conclusion that "The Money
} Machine" is the product for thriving, growing companies like yours!
}
} We hope to receive your check soon.
}
} For your convenience, this letter has been translated into your quaint
} native language, Palamalalalalalan, by our highly-qualified staff
} translator.
} ***
}
} Thanking of you for to be being with interest in Facking Something The
} Money Machine thing.  The Oracle being of to us giving letter of you.
} Buy-it-papers of us to you given; you will of it liking much sure
} thing!
}
} Money of you to us much.
} ***
}
} P.S.  The Oracle having of you five handsful naked slave girls.


319-05    (05453 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh mighty oracle, please tell me,
> why is my comp tutor such a bloody wimp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was a dark and stormy night. The flickering of computer terminals
} lit the night intermittently like flashes of lightning. Amid an array
} of hard drives, printouts, and takeout Chinese food containers sat the
} hacker.
}
} "Flash! Flash, I love you! But we only have 14 hours to save the
} Earth!!"
}
} Flash patted the black box, a fiber optic link connecting him from MIT
} to Wanda in New Zealand.
}
} "I got it baby!" he typed. "Full access, full authority! Right now
} I've got the entire system in the palm of my hand!" Flash had plenty
} of time to stop the nuclear countdown, change into his mild-mannered
} disguise, and go tutor some idiot in computers.
}
} BAM BAM BAM!! "Open up in there, this is the FBI!"
}
} Uh-oh. Flash stood and hefted his portable, but there was nowhere to
} hide. He was on the 5th floor, a long jump down. Thinking quickly, he
} hid inside the refigerator.
}
} CRASH!! Men came streaming into the room. One sat down at the terminal
} and typed, looking for clues. On the terminal, Flash had left the AI
} program "ELIZA" running:
}
}      GIVE ME A LIST OF ALL PROGRAMS RUN
}
}      Is it because of your plans that you say give you a list of all
}      programs run?
}
}      THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. JUST TELL ME WHERE THE KID WENT.
}
}      Maybe your life have something to do with this.
}
}      ARE YOU THREATENING ME?
}
}      What makes you believe are me threatening you?
}
}      YOU DON'T SCARE ME. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU.
}
}      This is not a healthy way of thinking.
}
} Sensing an immediate threat, the man pulled out his gun and fired
} several times into the monitor, causing an enormously loud implosion.
} Believing there was cross fire, all the FBI agents started shooting
} everywhere, and everything, including each other.
}
} This is what is known as terminal stupidity.
}
} Fortunately, refigerators are bulletproof. Dialed up over a cellular
} phone, Flash completed his infiltration and stopped the virus. He
} slurped a six-pack of Coke that was convenient, and left the mess for
} the CP's to clean up. He had an appointment at Mary's.
}
} The Oracle wants to know why its archaeology professor Jones is such a
} wimp.


319-06    (11843 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hmm, if you're all-knowing, you know what question I'm going to ask
> long before I ask it. With such knowledge, you can time the answers to
> arrive the second after I've sent the questions. Why, therefore, must I
> wait hours for an answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, bub.  There ain't no question as to whether or not I'm
} all-knowing.  I am, got it?  For instance, I know that you harbor
} ill-will toward your old high school english teacher because she read
} one of your papers aloud in class and announced its grade, "D-."  But
} you've also awakened in a pool of sweat after dreams in which you and
} she were committing unnatural acts involving vegetables and fruit -- a
} secret you've never told anyone, which is now in print for everyone to
} read.
}
} So, now that the cat's out of the bag, Smartypants, on to your
} question.  You are correct on all your assumptions.  I know your
} questions before you even ask them.  In fact, I know your questions
} before you even think them.  I know your questions before you have any
} idea that you do indeed have questions.  I know everything.  It's what
} I do.
}
} Not only am I omniscient, I'm omnipresent -- everywhere at once, and
} sitting in your lap even as you read this (kiss, kiss!) -- and
} omnipotent, my personal favorite of the "omnis."
}
} So here's the deal.  I could indeed send you the answer to your
} question the second after you ask it.  I could even send you the answer
} the day BEFORE you ask it.  I could've sent the answer to your question
} before you were even born.  But if I did that, I wouldn't have the
} opportunity to deride you in a public forum read by your peers.  And
} where's the fun in that?
}
} You're probably expecting some profound answer such as "Humble
} supplicant, thou must learn patience.  Patience is virtue in all
} things.  Thou must learn patience in order to appreciate the full
} significance of being," or some other godly-sounding horsepoop like
} that.  But that's not the real reason.
}
} The real reason is: I write slowly because I know you can't read fast.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Mickey Mouse sundial.


319-07    (67211 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and great Oracle, tell me this:
> Which is the nastier of the two: Ansarian or Ranintia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it kinda depends upon the time of the month.  For 25 out of every
} 28 days, Ansarian is the nastier.  For 3 days, Ranintia is.  (You
} figure out the reason.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for bloating.


319-08    (24920 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Also --- as a follow-on to the last question, sort of, if I feed the
> timber wolf a bar of soap, will he (Jim, not the wolf) stop seducing
> everyone I know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends on the type of soap you feed it.  If you use Ivory, he will
} seduce all while floating on water.  If it's Zest, his seduction will
} lack that annoying filmy quality.  If Caress, the seduction will occur
} before dressing, and a bar of Tone will leave a soft, slimy feeling on
} the seductee's skin. Only a bar of Lava  will stop the problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a family-pack of Dial.  I wish everybody did.


319-09    (36701 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oaracle, whose knowledge transcends time and space, answer me this
> question and remove my burden.
>
> Why is almost every publication put out in any given month, labeled
> with as a month two or three months into the future ?  Is this the
> secret of time-travel finally unraveled ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, it's just a parade of time and life.


319-10    (16541 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo.
>
> Lissen, Orcle, I gotta know sumpin. 'zit true dat gittin hit
> in da head, ya know, kills off you brain? Lookit Ali, for
> chrissakes. Or was it das diffy q's? Was he doin' dem? Maybe
> graph t'eory. Dat could be it, but poycenally, I tink he sim'lated
> a Turin' machine one too many times, knowwhutimean?
>
> Rcky

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Awright - lissen , an' lissen good.  Ali waz az great az dey get -
} knowhutImean? The 'ting is is dat nobody ever knew how much of a math
} guy Ali wuz.  Dat guy could give yous a formula for a X-Dimenshunal
} space in between rounds wif Joe Foreman.  'Ting was is dat Ali never
} found no money in postulatin' math and stuck wid boxin'.  It wuz only
} aftah he stopped fightin dat he tried to teach multi-variable-calc, but
} he wuz overrun by a bunch of weenie grad students who pestuhed him for
} auteographs and such and he eventually gave up hiz TA job at Berkeley -
} much to da chagrin of the depatment.  So it wuz more of a combination
} of da two - but both have been provin' to be jus az damagin to a guys
} sensitive cranium.
}
} Rcky you owe de Oracle dat lucky horshoe you been keepin in your glove.


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