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24 Jul 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 12:21:01 GMT

Internet Oracularities #32

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32, 32-01, 32-02, 32-03, 32-04, 32-05, 32-06, 32-07, 32-08, 32-09, 32-10


Usenet Oracularities #32
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 27 Oct 89 00:21:23 GMT

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32-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Why is this guy on my left such a dipshit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle has long considered everyone sitting to the left of anyone
} else to be a dipshit.  Just ask the guy sitting on your right.


32-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many virgins, exactly, are there left in the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three.  Margaret Thatcher, Tammy Fae Bakker and you.
} You're in good company.


32-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> to be or not to be ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oh, be da be da doo be doo be doo, cash baby cash is what I'm a-payin'
} you, have some succotash on your beet and carrot stew, oh, be da be da
} doo be doo be doo.


32-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello.  Who and what are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am the singer without a song,
} I am the junkie without a bong,
} I am the barber who cannot shave,
} I am an ocean without a wave,
} I am a parrot who cannot fly,
} I am a lawyer who cannot lie,
} I am a scholar who cannot think,
} I am a drunkard who cannot drink,
} I am a stereo without a sound,
} I am a steamboat that's run aground,
} I am the frog without a croak,
} I am the jester without a joke.


32-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm poor but honest.  Is this a mistake?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wealth is the fabric of accumulation, honesty is the fabric of the
} soul.  Metaphysicists have held that accumulation can be traded for
} soul, and incarcerated artists such as James Brown have proven the
} proof.


32-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wordy orifice,
>
> Can you think of any way that mankind could benefit by finding a use for
> the black rubbery substance that is commonly found between ones toes
> when the socks have not been changed for many days/weeks/months?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} fake latex.
}
} not wordy.
}
} owe apology.


32-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why Tiamat won't work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tiamat won't work because she is a five-headed dragon with mongo hit
} points, massive numbers of spells, vast armies of dragons which wait on
} her every whim, two very sharp pointed sticks ("spears"), a vast pile of
} gold and jewels, a big mug of cocoa with Kahlua in it, sixteen brass
} buttons, a very comfortable chair, a good solid LISP interpreter, a
} priceless Ming vase, a telephone with unlimited local calling, a year's
} supply of popcorn, six lottery tickets, last month's TV Guide, an
} automatic chess set, a large bottle of maraschino cherries, and a
} hangover.
}
} Would you work, if you were her?
}
} You owe the oracle a rhetorical question, to be answered literally.


32-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do butt cheeks separate vertically instead of horizontally?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} what a dorky question.  well, ok.  if they separated horizontally,
} they'd be considerably harder to wipe.


32-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Donna Summers said, "God had to create disco music so that I could be
> born and be successful.  I was blessed.  I am blessed." What went wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The God involved in the creation of disco music was a wrathful and cruel
} God.


32-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Lisa like sausages?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that all depends on the kind of sausages.
}
} If I remember correctly (of course I remember correctly I'm the Oracle),
} she absolutely adores bratwurst and knakwurst but she hate summer
} sausage.
}
} I suggest that you show her your sausage and ask her what she thinks.


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