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Internet Oracularities #320

Goto:
320, 320-01, 320-02, 320-03, 320-04, 320-05, 320-06, 320-07, 320-08, 320-09, 320-10


Usenet Oracularities #320    (18 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 28 Jun 91 14:16:32 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

320   18 votes 45432 45540 22563 23562 13941 25362 14931 44442 21933 38520
320   2.9 mean  2.7   2.5   3.3   3.2   3.1   3.1   2.9   2.8   3.2   2.3


320-01    (45432 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why must my life be a confusing mess of twists and
> unconnected scenes Ohh great and mighty Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} See Rod Serling hiding behind that potted palm over there? You
} are the latest episode of _The Twilight Zone_. Since I know all,
} I know that the airing of your episode will draw a huge rating,
} especially since the teasers will include a frame or three from
} the scene with the three preteen girls, the llama, and the
} chocolate mousse. Naughty, naughty.
}
} You owe the Oracle a _Twilight Zone_ concordance.
}
} (argh. Cmon, you can do better than that. The _Twilight Zone_
}  schtick has been done before. Think, man, think.)
}
} (damned check Oracles...)
}
} Your life is a twisty little maze of disconnected scenes, all
} different.
}
} You owe the Oracle a map of the 400-point Colossal Cave.
}
} (WHAT?? You wanna get certified as the next Oracle or not? That
}  answer didn't even wiggle the Oracle-o-meter. One more shot, and
}  after that, you're history.)
}
} (whaddya want from me, blood? Oh, all right...)
}
} Well, let's check the Oracular database:
}
} (2636327) oracle@oracle386:/usr/oracle $ oracledb
} Oracular Database, versio
}
} (THAT'S IT!! The "check the database bit" is so overused that
}  Kinzler doesn't even smile when he sees it. Get out! Out!!
}  OUT!!!!! And don't come back without a signoff from your
}  Oracularity instructor!!!!)
}
} (You crotchety old... *SLAM*)
}
} (Punk kids! When _I_ had to get my Oracle license...)


320-02    (45540 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This morning in front of a grocery store I saw a sign that said
> "Lays- $.99". I am in love with a girl who works there, should I shell
> out the buck(almost) for the (fill this one in yourself)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} iuvax [141]% sleep 'rand($timeofday)'
} You have new mail.
} iuvax [142]% cat /usr/mail/spool/oracle | oaf -ta | oats -ts
}
} OAF --- ORACLE Asininity Filter
} Version 2.1
} (c) 1991 by The USENET Oracle, Inc.
}
} Talk mode set.
} Processing question.......
}
} Error 0003: insufficient respect -- no supplication/grovelling
}
} Warning 1002: overly suggestive question without mention of
}       the most `loverly' [sic] and delightful Lisa...
}
} Warning 1025: demeaning sexist reference
}
} Question appended to output.
}
} OATS --- ORACLE AuTo-answering Service
} Beta Test Version 0.4
} (c) 1991 by The USENET Oracle, Inc.
}
} Talk mode set.
} Question contains one error and two warnings.
} Question cannot be answered in humorous fashion.
} Warning: service representive may need to be consulted.
} "brainless response" flag set.
} Random selection of voice mode....pseudo-californian.
} Generate answer...
}
} * Look, dude.  Like there aren't any babes, dude, that will do
} * anything for a buck, you know?  Your overactive imagination,
} * dude, is gettin' to you.  Wipeout...sorry, dude.  You know,
} * if you got mucho dinero, you could just ask out the babe...
}
} Generating bill...
} Keyword search returns:
}       grocery
}       Lays  (potato chips -- with innuendo)
}       shell   (verb)
}       buck  (monetary sense)
} Trying permutations...
} Combination of third and fourth keywords exceeds cheap-joke
} possbility threshold...
}
} * You owe the Oracle your secret to stuffing dollar bills
} * into a walnut and an explanation for why you'd use such
} ABEND 24: contact service representative immediately.
} * a funny wallet in the first place...
}
} * You owe the Oracle a copy of "101 Ways to Improve Your Sex
} * Life with Potato Chips" sent by Express Mail.
} ABEND 24: contact service representative immediately.
}
} * You owe the Ora
} ^C
}
} Answer and bill sent.
}
} iuvax [143]% mail servicerep < oats.stupid.answer
} Service representative contacted.
} iuvax [144]% sleep 'rand($timeofday)'


320-03    (22563 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does the Oracle still exist???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, you have reached Bob's all night pizza, we deliver in 20 minutes
} or less, or you order is late, May I help you?
}
} >> Does the Oracle still exist???
}
} Hmm, let me check on that one,
} *paper noises*
} Hmm, no , sorry is that the special pizza that come with a profound
} meaning of life?  Offer just expired last night, but we could send you
} one of our special all meat pizzas- Thats right, five kinds of meat
} topping in congealed pork fat(cheeze) topped on an all meat crust-
} delivered in an all meat car run on nothing but the mortal remains of
} large meaty lizards who lived milions of years ago, and driven by a
} former weight lifting champion.
}
} You owe the Oracle $12.95 plus a tip.


320-04    (23562 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise and Omnipotent Oracle, who is wise, all-knowing and kind to
> pets, please tell me:
>
> I've just been shot in the side by my girlfriend.  Although the damage
> is potentially not fatal, should I remove the bullet myself, or let a
> professional bullet remover do it for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!
}
} You have not been shot in the side by your girlfriend.
}
} You have been shot in the side by your ex-girlfriend.
}
} Now, as you and I both know, the important thing here is to get the
} bullet out as quickly as possible. And although a professional bullet
} remover would do a much finer job, due to the increasing number of
} people getting shot they usually have a waiting list of about 3 weeks,
} so you only want to go there if we absolutely cannot get the bullet out
} yourself.
}
} So, let's get started, shall we?
}
} First, stick your finger into the hole in your side up to the second
} knuckle. Does that hurt? I said, "Does that hurt?" Stop screaming and
} just answer the question. Oh, it does.
}
} Ok, fine so far. Can you feel the bullet? You can? Good, that means you
} have traced the path of the bullet into your side. Did it go through
} your heart? (You can tell if it did, because if it did you will now
} feel a rhythmic squeezing on your finger.) No? Good, you may even
} survive? What about the lungs? Oh dear, you had better just take
} shallow breaths then.
}
} Now, grab your antigun and point... What do you mean? You know! An
} antigun - looks like a gun, but it's made of antimatter and instead of
} filling you with lead it... OH! STUPID ME! I'm lost in time again, and
} of course it is another 27 years before the discovery of antimatter
} stablization.
}
} Well, this will just have to be done the old fashioned way. Grab your 6
} inch steralised titanium forceps and... No forceps? Really? Well, how
} do you expect to get this job done without even the most basic
} equipement. Still, the Oracle is a mastermind of improvisation, so grab
} a coat hanger. No, a wire coat hanger. Unroll it into a straight piece
} of wire, and put a loop on the end.
}
} We have gotten up to the trickiest bit - anaesthetic. Now that I have
} spelled that word correctly, it's all plain sailing. Now I, myself,
} prefer a single highland malt anaesthetic, but use whatever is handy
} and palatable. Be really careful with the dose - too little and you'll
} feel too much pain, too much and you'll pass out.
}
} So now you are feeling nice and relaxed. This is the big test. Stick
} the coat hanger into the hole in your side and try to hook the bullet
} with the little loop on the end. Give it three attempts. If, on the
} third attempt, you have not succeeded in fishing the bullet out, then
} at that stage you should give up and call a professional. Try under "B"
} in the yellow pages.
}
} You owe the Oracle tighter gun control legislation.


320-05    (13941 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi there, you scandalous jackdaw, you.  I have a craving for this
> conversation, I do, I do.  It's just goes to show: I have eaten my
> shoe. But don't let that get you low and your heart full of glue -- I
> type awful slow, but I type stuff to you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello there yourself, you silly buffoon!
} I can tell by your rhyming, you're daft as a loon.
} So you crave conversation.  That is a sad plight.
} Which shoe did you eat, your left or your right?
} Don't worry, dear mortal, my heart remains glueless.
} As for your slow typing, I'm totally clueless.
} Well, it's getting late and I must go away.
} Thanks for the great "stuff".  Have a nice day.
}
} You owe the Oracle Emily Dickinson.


320-06    (25362 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise and Omnipotent Oracle, who can avoid redundancies, and is wise
> and omnipotent, please tell me:
>
> Being that your are the Oracle and immortal and all, and have seen the
> most humorous events in the history of the universe, could you tell me
> what the best practical joke played by one person on his/her 11
> housemates is?  See, I have 11 housemates who deserve to have it stuck
> to them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 11 housemates?  Wow, shower time in the morning must be fun!  But I
} digress. The Oracle can think of several instances where one person
} played a practical joke on 11 housemates with hilarious results, all
} resulting in hilarious consequences.  However, I think that the "mother
} of all practical jokes" would have to be the one played by that old
} kidder, Judas Iscariot.  He certainly got his 11 housemates all riled
} up when he pulled that little stunt in the Garden of Gethsemane.
} Especially Simon Peter; what a hothead!  Anyway, that joke was great,
} except for the fact that Pontius Pilate didn't understand what was
} going on.  After all, how was he to know that Passover was, in those
} days, second only to Ceasar's birthday as a time of mischievous pranks
} and hilarious hijinks for the Jews?  Anyway, he actually believed the
} crowds were serious when they yelled "Crucify him!" and sent poor old
} J. C. to his doom.  After that, things got a little out of hand.  Yaweh
} himself even took umbrage at those humans killing his son.  As a
} result, the last two thousand years have been nothing but trouble for
} you humans.  Seemingly endless wars, famine and pestilence have made
} life a living hell for you poor creatures.  However, it certainly has
} provided no end of entertainment to us up here on Olympus. Why, even I
} got a good chuckle the other day when Mt. Pinatubo coughed up ash all
} over Clark Air Base.  Not to worry, though.  Your penance is almost up.
}  Sometime in the next few years (I can't reveal exactly when), your
} little party down there on Earth will come to a halt when an
} overzealous Slovenian rebel accidentally sends a large ICMB hurtling
} towards Washington, D. C., thus triggering global thermonuclear
} holocaust.
}
} I'll bet you'll think carefully now about what stunt you pull on your
} poor, unsuspecting housemates.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of "The Last Temptation of Christ" and Alex
} Trebek's home phone number.


320-07    (14931 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a difference between a female bodybuilding contest and a
> beauty pageant?  Both are judged based on subjective standards of
> appearance, after all.
>
> I await enlightenment...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Subjective?  There's nothing subjective about the judging of beauty
} contests.  It is based on ANSI standard BC-8944, which, in essence,
} gives high value to big tits and an airhead smile.  ANSI standard
} BB-92066-F, female bodybuilding contest, is still under development.
}
} You owe the Oracle a day as an airhead, just to see what it's like.


320-08    (44442 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the capital of Berlin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       What? No grovel? Do you understand who you are talking to
} here? I am the oracle. The greatest, most awesome, amazing entity
} in history. But, since I am humble, I shall not punish you. The
} fact that you shall smell of rottten fish for the rest of your
} life and shall be struck by lightning every couple of weeks is
} quite incidental.
}
}       Incidentally, the capital of Berlin is 'B'


320-09    (21933 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                               Internal Revenue Service
>                                               Springfield, IL
>       T. U. Oracle
>       IUVAX, CS
>       Indiana, Edu
>
>       Dear T. U. Oracle:
>
>       In reviewing your 1990 Federal Income Tax Return, we have noted
> that, while your declared cash income is fairly low ($16.03), you have
> listed several (27 pages worth) non-monetary items received as gifts.
> For example, there is the "Low-salt butter, 200 lb." valued by you at
> $300; "73 assorted women ($730);" "Zalkron Death Laser ($19.95);"
> "Motor oil, 50 gal. ($120);" and "Misc. video tapes ($435)."
>       It is not, strictly speaking, our concern as to what services, in
> your self-described occupation as "oracle," you provide which inspires
> these "gifts," though you may be advised that we have notified the FBI,
> the FTC, and the Treasury Department regarding certain items you
> mention. The IRS is, however, interested in reviewing with you the
> methods you used to estimate the value of the gifts (most striking is
> "6000 pages IBM documentation ($0)").
>       We therefore request that you come to our Springfield office,
> at the above address, on Monday, July 8, 1991, at 8:30 a.m. Please be
> advised that this is a formal proceeding. You are required to bring all
> relevant extant documents and receipts supporting your claims. You
> may also wish to have a lawyer present.
>                                               Sincerely,
>
>                                               Walter F. Reedman
>                                               Chief Tax Auditor

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Walter, Walter, Walter.  Such ingratitude.  Have you forgotten all I've
} done for you over the years?  Are you still miffed at me about your
} wife? Forgive and forget, Walter, how many times do I have to tell you?
} Anyway, I can't make it July 8.  Lisa and I will be at the White House.
} George is throwing a big week-long retirement shindig for Thurgood, you
} know, and, well, it would be rude to miss it for something so trivial.
} I'll send my accountant instead, I'm sure he can clear everything up.
} You remember my accountant, Hermes, don't you?  Just contact him at the
} Mount Olympus office if you have any questions.  Say hello to the
} missus.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stack of 1040 forms, as a gift, of course.


320-10    (38520 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Before you I snivel like a coward.
>   In your high presence I wilt in shame.
>   Favor this low thing with an answer.
>
>     Why do fraternity boys howl?
>
>     - Jeff the Noisy Colony

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Mortal be joyous that I am in a generous mood, for your
} genuflection is an abomination.  You sound more like a child who was
} caught doing something rotten instead of a true supplicant; but, because
} I am The Oracle and I know why you are asking this question, I will
} forgive you.
}       Now your question is "Why do fraternity boys howl?" There are
} three reasons why fraternity boys howl.  The first is to empty as much
} of their internal cavities as possible before taking part in the
} shotgunning of beers.  The second is to deafen the warning bells of a
} sorority girl's conscience after she shotgunned a beer or two.  The last
} is while they are ...  well I won't go into that but you know what comes
} after the first two.
}       You owe The Oracle a blond buxom tri-delt.


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