} Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!
} You have not been shot in the side by your girlfriend.
} You have been shot in the side by your ex-girlfriend.
} Now, as you and I both know, the important thing here is to get the
} bullet out as quickly as possible. And although a professional bullet
} remover would do a much finer job, due to the increasing number of
} people getting shot they usually have a waiting list of about 3 weeks,
} so you only want to go there if we absolutely cannot get the bullet out
} So, let's get started, shall we?
} First, stick your finger into the hole in your side up to the second
} knuckle. Does that hurt? I said, "Does that hurt?" Stop screaming and
} just answer the question. Oh, it does.
} Ok, fine so far. Can you feel the bullet? You can? Good, that means you
} have traced the path of the bullet into your side. Did it go through
} your heart? (You can tell if it did, because if it did you will now
} feel a rhythmic squeezing on your finger.) No? Good, you may even
} survive? What about the lungs? Oh dear, you had better just take
} shallow breaths then.
} Now, grab your antigun and point... What do you mean? You know! An
} antigun - looks like a gun, but it's made of antimatter and instead of
} filling you with lead it... OH! STUPID ME! I'm lost in time again, and
} of course it is another 27 years before the discovery of antimatter
} Well, this will just have to be done the old fashioned way. Grab your 6
} inch steralised titanium forceps and... No forceps? Really? Well, how
} do you expect to get this job done without even the most basic
} equipement. Still, the Oracle is a mastermind of improvisation, so grab
} a coat hanger. No, a wire coat hanger. Unroll it into a straight piece
} of wire, and put a loop on the end.
} We have gotten up to the trickiest bit - anaesthetic. Now that I have
} spelled that word correctly, it's all plain sailing. Now I, myself,
} prefer a single highland malt anaesthetic, but use whatever is handy
} and palatable. Be really careful with the dose - too little and you'll
} feel too much pain, too much and you'll pass out.
} So now you are feeling nice and relaxed. This is the big test. Stick
} the coat hanger into the hole in your side and try to hook the bullet
} with the little loop on the end. Give it three attempts. If, on the
} third attempt, you have not succeeded in fishing the bullet out, then
} at that stage you should give up and call a professional. Try under "B"
} in the yellow pages.
} You owe the Oracle tighter gun control legislation.